How do we come back from this argument?

[Sunrise888]

DH and I have had bad colds all weekend so neither of us are feeling great. DH was getting a headache so I told him to go to bed and I would settle down DS who is 1yo.

Before he did, I started to talk about a photographer who is visiting our baby class and whether we should bother getting photos. DH initially said he trusted me to use my own judgement, but when I persisted for his opinion, he snapped that photographers were overpriced and insulted the expensive wedding photographer we used and the pictures we got out of it. (The photographer had been my choice and I had talked DH into it, paying the excess of what we'd planned to pay out of my own pocket. We've said since that we should have got someone else, but the photos are mostly fine/lovely.) I felt really hurt that he was throwing this in my face and retorted that we'd paid far more for all the friends he'd invited and I was pressured to invite when I'd only wanted a very small family wedding. (Again we've talked about this before. DH had a great day, but when I told him much later I hadn't enjoyed it as much because of all the people, he felt terrible that he had pressured me into a wedding I didn't enjoy.)

Anyway, he saw how upset I was so he took DS off me and said he'd put him to bed, so I went to bed on my own. Later he needed help setting DS which I did. He apologised and asked we don't argue in front of DS, but I was still too upset to say anything.

We've not been getting on so well - the stress of the wedding and having a baby have not brought out the best in us. DH was really, really great in the face of it all, looked after me and excused a lot because I'd had a baby. But in the last few months his patience had worn thin a bit, and he's started to snipe back, which he recognised and is trying to contain. Since we've had the baby, I've been less kind to him. He half jokes about me being mean to him and I do apologise, but recently he's started to snipe back. I feel like because I've been so difficult this last year, I've turned my lovely DH into someone a little less lovely. 😪

I do feel bad about last night in that he was probably just feeling ill and I was talking to him when he just wanted to go to bed. And this is the first time I have said anything to purposefully hurt DH - I didn't just blurt it out, I thought about what I was going to say, and said it knowing it would hurt him. I hate myself but I'm still angry.

I need talking down. We are supposed to make some big decisions with houses and moving today and I am feeling petty wanting to postpone the decisions because I'm so mad. I think sometimes we should get counseling, but I also think I haven't slept a full night in a year and this is just how things are with a baby,, and it will get better.

I'd love some advice please. I hate apologising without talking things through - I don't feel very genuine about my apology otherwise. But I don't think the wedding photographer/wedding pressure talk is one I want to have again as we can't change the past.

@tangoed2 thank you for your sympathetic post. We don't have any close family nearby. DS is a handful and yes it's hard to have a long discussion with him in the frame! I'm hoping when he gets to nursery and gets used to being away from us for a bit we can consider a babysitter, then DH and I can spend a bit more quality time together.

@Prawnofthepatriarchy

That's such good advice especially Try to be the best person you can be. I forget this. I said before I can be myself around him, but it shouldn't be an excuse to be lazy with his emotions.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I think we are both feeling better from our colds, and for apologising. Things seem much better in the day - it's easy for me to catastrophosise alone in the night of the night. I forget that DH and I do have lots of good times and we do love each other. I will take on board the advice here and try to be a better person 😊.

@Frosty66612 I missed your post the first time. I do recognise that I can be passive aggressive to avoid being confrontational about issues - my DH had called me out on it before. I'm trying to change that because I know it can be destructive to a relationship.

OP have you had a look at Sarah ockwell-smiths book: the gentle book of sleep. You may be more comfortable with that.

Can’t add anymore advice as the advice you have been given re your behaviours and DH is all very good. Glad today seems much better.

@sugarnotsweetener I'm familiar with the author, I'm think may even have the book somewhere! Thanks for the recommendation.

Honestly acting dumb, teasing him, stonewalling him, pushing him to have an opinion and then overreacting when he does and throwing it back in his face is emotionally manipulative and abusive

This

Just reading your passive aggressive dramatics makes me feel weary

Your poor husband

@bubbles108

Thanks for your comment. I challenge anyone to list all the faults without their qualities and not come off like a terrible person.

It's not always like this - the first 8 years I was devoted to making him as happy as he made me, but having a baby has been hard and we swing between more highs and lows. We still have lots good times now and are able to settle many disagreements honestly and without fighting. I described a few incidences where I was not proud of myself - they are the worst ones - because I wanted to change myself before it got any worse, and I accept that I can do much better.

I noticed you mentioned not liking to apologise without ‘talking it through’. This seems a bit of an imposition on the person you are apologising to - why should they have to go through it with you?
Can I offer this useful template for apologies to help you rethink how it works:
Say sorry; say what you are apologising for; explain why it was a bad thing to do; talk about what you will do in future if the same circumstances arise (ie don’t just say ‘I won’t do it again’, have a credible alternative in place); ask for forgiveness.
The other person is free to accept or reject the apology, it’s up to them.
And if you think there is a relationship issue that needs discussing, KEEP THAT SEPARATE! Otherwise it sounds like ‘I’m sorry I hit you, but you shouldn’t have provoked me.’

Ps the number of times I nearly split up with my lovely DH in the first few years of parenthood is uncountable. It’s really hard when you’re both knackered and stressed and dealing with the emotional fact of being parents.
Keep on keeping on - it does get easier.

One of my guiding principles is that you don't save your manners for strangers. Amazing how many people get home from work, kick off their shoes and start being a miserable bugger. People treat their DP worse than they would ever treat a colleague and then wonder why things aren't going well.

The people we love deserve the best of us. None of us have any right to take out our frustrations on our family. Home should be a solace, a sanctuary. At home we're loved and always welcome. That's what a loving couple create for themselves.

I think often it's better to be happy than right (correct)

Just let things go. Don't angst so much.

After all, no one died.

@Allfednonedead

talk about what you will do in future if the same circumstances arise (ie don’t just say ‘I won’t do it again’, have a credible alternative in place)

This is good advice. This is the template I followed when I apologised to DH this morning - I said I would not try to have this kind of discussion again if he was sick or tired out asked not to. I'll try to make sure I include this part every time in an apology.

The other person is free to accept or reject the apology, it’s up to them.
And if you think there is a relationship issue that needs discussing, KEEP THAT SEPARATE!

Good points to remember.

@Prawnofthepatriarchy

That's great - I will remember that.

@bubbles108

You are right, thank you.

I think DH and I are both blessed with short term memories for small and big arguments. There are a few things I have hung on to that I should forget/let go of. The rest of it I've forgotten - I couldn't tell you what else we have argued about. DH has an even worse memory for this sort of thing. As long as we make a quick genuine apology with some understanding of where each of us is coming from, it makes forgiving each other easy.

I think often it's better to be happy than right (correct)

Just let things go. Don't angst so much.

After all, no one died.

Right about this I mean 😁

The people we love deserve the best of us...Home should be a solace, a sanctuary. At home we're loved and always welcome. That's what a loving couple create for themselves.

I love reading this so much. I'm going to try to commit this to memory. 😊

Thanks for that, Sunrise. It's lovely to feel my advice has been helpful.

I haven’t read all the posts but honestly give yourself and him some allowance. You said you had a cold, you’ve got a new baby and just been through a life changing experience on getting married with all the hype and post wedding blues that comes with it.

It doesn’t hurt to just make a cup of tea for you both, walk up to him and just say I’m sorry. Hopefully he’ll say sorry back for his snapping part and you can both put it behind you and move on.

None of the issues you argued over sound that major so this is probably tiredness and illlness taking rather than anything else.

Try to take some time for you as a couple. Is someone willing to take the baby for a bit so you cN get out and spend time together? Get yourselves some you time?

@Karigan198, thanks we have apologised to each other!

DH gets a lot of 'him time' 2-3 evenings a week. He's been offering me some 'me time' recently that I've just started taking up. But yes I should be more pro-active and go out on my own more, because even with the two of us at home our lo can be (delightfully) exhausting.

Oh no I mean you together time. You need to have fun together again. Get a few date nights in where you get your partnership as a couple back not just the slog of being parents. Babies are bloody hard work and you could both do with abreak and some alone time I expect

@Karigan198

That too! We don't have any close relatives nearby but when he's adjusted to nursery and used to being away from us we'll look at a babysitter. I'm struggling to cut the cord at the moment - the prospect of nursery feels hard enough!

So you already combination feed? In that case DH should be doing 50% of the night parenting IMO, especially as it seems the sleep deprivation is affecting your wellbeing.

IME going down the road of bfeeding at night, to the detriment of one’s own health, partly out of guilt for WoH, does not lead to anything good, for anyone.

Does your DH similarly struggle to “cut the cord”? Many fathers don’t!

I think it’s really common for this sort of thing to happen when you have a baby. No one gets enough sleep, or intimacy, or support.

You are right, apologise. Just because that might be what it takes to get you too feeling positive about each other again.
In the longer term the only things that will help you feel happier and be kinder is 1. Sleep 2. Time to do more things for yourself.

So head over to the sleep board, and work out how to get some time, weather that is alone, on a date night, going out or whatever.

But it will get better