How do we come back from this argument?

[Sunrise888]

DH and I have had bad colds all weekend so neither of us are feeling great. DH was getting a headache so I told him to go to bed and I would settle down DS who is 1yo.

Before he did, I started to talk about a photographer who is visiting our baby class and whether we should bother getting photos. DH initially said he trusted me to use my own judgement, but when I persisted for his opinion, he snapped that photographers were overpriced and insulted the expensive wedding photographer we used and the pictures we got out of it. (The photographer had been my choice and I had talked DH into it, paying the excess of what we'd planned to pay out of my own pocket. We've said since that we should have got someone else, but the photos are mostly fine/lovely.) I felt really hurt that he was throwing this in my face and retorted that we'd paid far more for all the friends he'd invited and I was pressured to invite when I'd only wanted a very small family wedding. (Again we've talked about this before. DH had a great day, but when I told him much later I hadn't enjoyed it as much because of all the people, he felt terrible that he had pressured me into a wedding I didn't enjoy.)

Anyway, he saw how upset I was so he took DS off me and said he'd put him to bed, so I went to bed on my own. Later he needed help setting DS which I did. He apologised and asked we don't argue in front of DS, but I was still too upset to say anything.

We've not been getting on so well - the stress of the wedding and having a baby have not brought out the best in us. DH was really, really great in the face of it all, looked after me and excused a lot because I'd had a baby. But in the last few months his patience had worn thin a bit, and he's started to snipe back, which he recognised and is trying to contain. Since we've had the baby, I've been less kind to him. He half jokes about me being mean to him and I do apologise, but recently he's started to snipe back. I feel like because I've been so difficult this last year, I've turned my lovely DH into someone a little less lovely. 😪

I do feel bad about last night in that he was probably just feeling ill and I was talking to him when he just wanted to go to bed. And this is the first time I have said anything to purposefully hurt DH - I didn't just blurt it out, I thought about what I was going to say, and said it knowing it would hurt him. I hate myself but I'm still angry.

I need talking down. We are supposed to make some big decisions with houses and moving today and I am feeling petty wanting to postpone the decisions because I'm so mad. I think sometimes we should get counseling, but I also think I haven't slept a full night in a year and this is just how things are with a baby,, and it will get better.

I'd love some advice please. I hate apologising without talking things through - I don't feel very genuine about my apology otherwise. But I don't think the wedding photographer/wedding pressure talk is one I want to have again as we can't change the past.

Op. I am interested in how calm and willing you have been to accept (in some cases quite strong) criticism from a group of faceless strangers who don’t love you or know you in any way. You have continued to engage and respond without becoming unreasonable.

Why do you think it is that you don’t afford your husband the same level of respect and consideration when he and you disagree?

@pissedonatrain no if anything I overthink things.

I must have looked at dozens of photographers online, and he was amazingly talented, but I was probably a bit tense on the day and things weren't quite right because the whole event was s compromise - you can't hide that in the photos. Or bad weather. He really did the best with what he had.

Yes persisting with the photography question last night was a mistake. I'm usually more considerate, so I regret that.

Bringing up my disappointment with the wedding after the fact, yes I regret that too, I never meant to say it, and I said it in relation to another issue, bit I wish I hadn't.

@Colbu24 thanks for your advice. I thought taking time outs stopped me from saying things I would regret. A few posters day it is done walling, I hate to think it could be damaging in its own way. 😥 I'll have to think about that.

*say it is stonewalling

The arguments are about clearing the air not to score ugly points.

This is really helpful. You are right. It's the first time I've done it and I feel dreadful.

@ResistanceIsNecessary thank you this is really helpful

@Dermymc

Last night wasn't too bad, 2-3 times? That's a big improvement on last week. We are waiting for a nursery start date, and then I'll see how we are doing the week before.

Oh I feel for you both but if you're recognising the reason your DH isn't as kind to you anymore is because you've been mean to him then you really need to change your ways and act fast to fix it before the damage is irreversible, there is only so much "I'm tired" that will justify your behaviour.

The one thing which stuck out in one of your posts was that you said he's still sniping at you even when you're not being mean, just forgetful but that is a direct result of all the time you HAVE been mean, he will see it all the same if it's worn him down that much. Also, not replying even if you are thinking about a reply will come across as infuriating, your DH will probably feel that you don't even respect or care enough to reply.

My DP was mean to me all the way through my pregnancy and when the baby came, he had his own problems going on which he uses to justify it (in some ways it can) but really I just have resentment towards him that he ruined what should have been a nice and exciting time for us and when I really needed him he was too wrapped up in his own selfish world.

I snap back now too because I've had enough but it causes even more arguments. It sounds like we're further down the line than you but if DP had gone out of his way to try and fix things earlier it would have helped massively.

If it's okay for you to tell him you didn't enjoy the wedding because he pushed for more guests it's just as okay for him to say the photographer was a mistake.

2-3 wake ups is a lot for a nearly 1yo. I really think some gentle sleep training will help you all. Are you going back to work as well? Don't underestimate how difficult it is to work all day on little sleep.

@Loopytiles

Ok I appreciate hours is unfair. I'll work on talking myself down quicker.

I think part of my problem is that I get upset at something but I find it hard to express why until I've had a chance to be on my own to think about it. Otherwise it comes out garbled or not quite right, but yes I could just do this with DH and just say "I'm mad and I don't know why!" to help him feel included in my feelings.

I think the argument was incredibly trivial and I can only assume that the sleep deprivation and the fact you were ill caused you to be so upset about something that most people would just shrug off. I have to agree with others that I think it’s you whose being unfair and not your DH. There are ways to communicate without being passive aggressive or emotionally abusive and I definitely think counselling will help you with that. It sounds silly but maybe you could write your partner a letter explaining how you have been feeling. It’s much easier sometimes to write things down than to try and verbalise them face to face

I'll look up Dr Jay Gordon’s night weaning method. That doesn't sound too bad. I did have a very trying time breastfeeding lo though, part of me doesn't want to stop now that we've got this far.

OP - You say you find it hard to express your feelings verbally.

But your WRITTEN thoughts are excellent.

Rather than going awol for extended periods of time, could you make it a rule with DH that he minds the baby while you splat all your feelings into paper?

It doesn't need to be perfect or even understandable - in fact, the scruffier the better. Just get everything OUT of your head.

That will help to defuse the anger.

Then, when things are settled again, look through your writing. Ponder on your emotions.

Use this as a tool to focus yourself. Then you can put together a précis of your argument :

When you said this ... I felt like ...

When I said ..... I really meant to say ...

When .... situation happens again, is there an easier/fairer way to deal with it?

Then screw the 'bad' emotions list into a ball and ceremoniously burn it. Those thoughts have no place in your relationship.

Take your new, clear headed thoughts to your hubby and chat over a glass of wine/cuppa.

It's not foolproof - but it should help
Xxx

@LanaorAna2 hehe, yes that sounds like us. I'll take your advice on board.

@Loopytiles

but after DC pulled him up on it, we had a grumpy baby to wrangle to nursery, and one grump was enough! He changed his behaviour. He still has sleep problems and hates and struggles in the mornings but is rarely grumpy.

Good point and good to hear. I will pull myself up on it.

@NotTakenUsername

*Op. I am interested in how calm and willing you have been to accept (in some cases quite strong) criticism from a group of faceless strangers who don’t love you or know you in any way. You have continued to engage and respond without becoming unreasonable.

Why do you think it is that you don’t afford your husband the same level of respect and consideration when he and you disagree?*

I do a lot of self reflection and I do apologise for my behaviour and try to change if I know it's wrong. In this case I've spent more time wallowing in self reflection and apologising, but used tiredness as an excuse to not do a lot of changing. A lot of the advice here are things I know, but it's helpful to be told so, and in different ways how I shouldn't just try to be better, I should be better.

As to your 2nd point, it is easy to be reasonable in retrospect and I've been thinking about this all night. It's harder in the heat of the moment. I do respect DH, but I should obviously show it too.

Re BF you're now fully established. Your body will adapt to what your LO needs. I fed until well past 1 during the day. (truth be told I'm still making milk 3 months after stopping!)

@tangoed2 yes this is what saddens me, that this is my own doing, though DH had his faults too. I feel so bad that I might have tainted our first year together as a family, though I realise that it was never going to be ideal. Thank you for sharing your experience.

@Dermymc

Yes going back to work at the same time. I can see this is going to be a problem! I'll have a look at one of the gentle sleep training recommendations given earlier.

Op I have been happily married for 40+ years. I read your post and chuckled as it tok me back to those times when the dc's were little. when DH had work stresses, and little niggles suddenly blew up into full blown rows.
The very fact that you recognise that you are at fault etc means you will both be okay.
Just apologise (nicely) say you realise you were beng irritating and pushy and that you are going to make a real effort in the future not to be like it.
You both have a lot going for you (he sounds a goodun) don't let situations/arguments that arise from nothing threaten an otherwise good relationship

@Lucky11111 thank you! I've always been more articulate in writing than in words! I think I do a mental version of your suggestion, I think it all through, do a self examination, may well conclude I was in fact wrong, and go back and apologise. Which I can see is therapeutic for me and very unfair to DH. I'll take on board your suggestion.

@Sunrise888 it's so so hard making that adjustment to having a baby isn't it, there are so many emotions and changes that I think everyone will have their own different bumps along the way.

Of course your husband isn't perfect, I'm certainly not either but I'm just starting to try and work out how we can move forward but I know 100% if my DP was sat here saying to me "I'm so sorry how can we put this right together and be a great team again" rather than him saying "it's not my fault I had x,y,z to deal with" (in not saying you're doing this at all, in fact it's clear that you want to fix things because of your posts).

Do you have anyone who can take baby for a few hours/night (sorry if I've missed this bit I skim read the the thread) and you can sit down and get everything out in the open, you can raise where you've gone wrong and also give him the opportunity to say what he could have done better aswell? It might make you feel more on the same page rather than tit for tat sniping which I know is so easy to get in to!

@Dermymc we combination feed, but in truth it's probably 80/20, maybe as bad as 90/10. I'm happy to do any breastfeeding at all.

@HazelBite thank you 😊

DH had woken up. I apologised, said I shouldn't have said what I did, that I appreciated everything he did, and I would do better, also that he looked very handsome in his green shirt 😉 He is being lovely and chipper and doing breakfast for DS. 😊

Has no one told you that the first couple of years of marriage can be the hardest? When you're just living together little irritations can be easy to ignore. Once you've agreed it's permanent and taken vows, you realise you're stuck with his [insert annoying habit here] FOREVER so everything matters more.

Given that you have a wedding and a new baby in your recent history, it's inevitable that stress levels are very high for both of you.

It is how you weather this that will determine the success or failure of your marriage. Those rock solid marriages people admire? They are built, brick by brick, through the tough demanding times - especially the early years you and DH are going through.

Be kind to him. Remember why you married him. Be kind to each other. Try to be the best person you can be. Your DH sounds well worth it.