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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he trying to rub salt in my wounds?

425 replies

TakeTwoOfThat · 21/06/2018 21:51

So many might have read the threads ive been writing about my husband..

A BIT OF A BACK STORY.

I recently found out he had text a random woman off the internet and then sent money to another. He blamed me saying I caused him to do it because of my 'behaviour' so we had a massive row and he slept in the car, he said sorry after a few days and we sat down and both agreed to made changes. we was getting on better apart from the fact I struggled to trust him when he went out or to the gym alone and he expected me to trust him again in a day.

Then fast forward to Tuesday this week, he said he had to go take something to his cousin to pack in his suitcase as he was going back home. he said he would go to the gym straight after. He was gone 3 hours and didn't even message me when he will be back (he usually messages me that hes in the gym) but he didn't so I rang him and text and he ignored me. Then a few minutes later he said he went for a beer with his cousin then to the gym (who goes to the pub in gym clothes?)but I didn't believe him because he acted odd before he left like he was hiding something then I rang my uncle (his cousin was staying with my uncle) to see whether his story matches up and according to my uncle and his cousin, he didn't even go for a beer and just dropped off the items that's it. Then when I asked my husband where he really was he couldn't answer and just kept saying with his cousin

So then Tuesday my husband said hes leaving me and comes amd collects his belongings (but he leaves a few things in his wardrobe and drawers) he swears on his kids lives that he will never get back with me (so I know he really is leaving me as he wouldn't say that if he wasn't certain) Any he calls in to see kids over next couple of days and keeps taking random stuff from his wardrobe and drawers, Is he messing with my head as he could have took it all at once. Then today he text me saying he wanted to come and say night to the kids so I agreed, he came around 7 and stayed about half an hour and went into my freezer looking for a frozen meal I made days ago, then he looks In my cupboard. Then he goes up to put my son to bed and I follow up to say night to my son like we do every night.. I lie on my bed and he walks out of our room (my son is in my room) and then turns back comes in and mumbles (what else do I need from here?) and takes one white tshirt....yes one tshirt that I think he doesn't even like anymore and walks out of the house and doesn't say bye, Is he doing this to torment me? to rub salt in my wounds? he knows I deeply love him and I feel like hes rubbing it in my face that hes left me

is this normal behaviour for somone whoes just left their wife?

OP posts:
midnightmisssuki · 12/07/2018 15:45

Just ignore him. What time is you child being sent back? That’s all you need/want to know. You don’t want to care what he’s done to you or your family - I mean you care, but don’t let him know. Keep it short.

‘ stbx- when is son comig Home? Thank you ‘

TakeTwoOfThat · 12/07/2018 17:18

Thanks everyone

I am going to ignore him. I try to blank him out because I just end up the one upset if I pay any attention to him.

OP posts:
ShootingQuadrantids · 12/07/2018 17:39

I've just had a thought OP. Start up a communication book for when he takes the children out. It sounds petty but it will send the message that you don't want to see him any longer on handover than is necessary! Ask him to write in what they ate etc etc. Only write up what relates to the children and NOTHING else! Tell him that you don't want any other communication unless it relates to the kids. Take the power from him. ThanksWine

TakeTwoOfThat · 13/07/2018 07:05

He informed me yesterday that he's 'enjoying his single life'
He always ends up on top.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 13/07/2018 07:12

Because at the moment he does not have any responsibility. Every other weekend and maintenance payments might change that

Thebluedog · 13/07/2018 08:12

I’d simply smile, walk away and close the door on him when he says shut like that

TiltedTowers · 13/07/2018 08:18

I didn't even need to get to the second page to read this guy.

He wants absolute freedom to come and go as he pleases. So he announces ''we're done'' with the expectation that you'll forgive even more and accommodate his hobbies even more but you are moving to fast for him. YOu actually have the balls to agree ''we're done''.

mummmy2017 · 13/07/2018 08:38

Next time he tries that one on you tell him this..

Well I got popcorn, pizza and a movie, me and the kids are having a love fest. With loads of cuddles....

When he asks if he can come tell him no. It's a family thing only.

mummmy2017 · 13/07/2018 08:40

And start doing things with your children and Facebook the pictures. Your friends can comment and it will help you see that you have loads of blessings in your new life.

TakeTwoOfThat · 13/07/2018 09:21

I see him now as just childish. He wants to take to to do the shopping this morning but before he goes on his lad day night out but I'm going to decline, i would rather find my own way of doing things than take a favour from him just to make him feel better. I'll be ok, I'll find ways to adapt. And can't rely on him anymore. I've ignored all his texts this morning, can't let him play with me anymore.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 13/07/2018 09:30

Well done Take Two, you need to do little things like that and take control/get on your own feet. You'll feel better for it. This is the first post you've written that is sounding like you're stronger, it's great to read. You WILL be alright without this man treating you so poorly. You will have lots more ups and more downs, but stay strong, you will get there.

TakeTwoOfThat · 13/07/2018 09:39

@Honeyroar thank you

I really do feel like I'm getting stronger

He's come to pick son up and said 'your house is a mess, it's a state and looks like a chavs house'

My house is fine so I ignored that comment and walked away. He seemed annoyed that I wasn't engaging with him.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 13/07/2018 10:12

Well done for ignoring him too. He will probably try a bit harder with his insults/digs if he's not getting a reaction, be ready for him. Either keep ignoring him or tell him he doesn't have any right to comment or make little digs like that. (And if he comes back with some shit like they're his kids and he's every right to comment on where they live tell him he could look after them full time on his own if he likes while you swan around having a lovely single life and you'll judge how well he does).

magoria · 13/07/2018 10:27

If his life was so great he wouldn't be around all the time trying to make you feel bad.

Keep staying calm he is the one who has to be thinking of all the ways to put you down because you are not giving him the reaction he is after.

Fake doing great. His loss and you will get there.

Nellia · 13/07/2018 10:37

Aw Op well done with ignorning him!!!

He may, as others have said try harder now to wind you up but just keep setting your switch to ignore. Dont play tit for tat dont try and hate him. Hate is a strong emotion which shows that what he does still has an effect and that he is still pulling you into the drama triangle. Aim fo indiference.

Nellia · 13/07/2018 10:44

This is what I mean by drama triangle
www.hopestreetcentre.org.uk/therapy-sandbach-cheshire/understanding-drama-triangle

Thebluedog · 13/07/2018 10:56

We’ll done OP you’re doing brilliantly. Can you do some online food shopping and get it delivered rather than going out for it?

Are you still letting him on the house? I suggest he now starts to wait on the doorstep for his dc to be passed over. This way you can shut the door on him if he starts.

Him: knock knock
You: open the door and stand in the doorway ‘hello’
Him: hi I’ve come to collect the dc
You: ‘ok’ you shut the door then get the dc, open door, kiss dc bye - shut the door and ignore him completely

Butterymuffin · 13/07/2018 16:32

It might also help to have a stock list of bland phrases with which to reply if you feel you can't literally stay silent. Such is
'Is that so / oh, really / right, I see' for statements like the put downs about the house, or about him loving his single life. Those respond but don't give him the reaction he wants. He will get annoyed once he doesn't get the upset reaction he is seeking from you.

Gemini69 · 13/07/2018 17:14

have you engaged with a Solicitor yet OP

Desmondo2016 · 13/07/2018 17:45

You say he always comes out on top. Like hell he has. You have your morals, a house, the kids and a bright future. He's just a prize cockwomble. Honestly, they HATE it when they see us starting to live our lives again. Give him as little of your energy and attentiom as you possibly can.

TakeTwoOfThat · 15/07/2018 09:27

How do separated couples handle swimming? We have kids so swimming baths don't allow him to take all 5 in alone so he says he needs me to come swimming just so my 2 year old doesn't miss out. A few weeks ago even though we was split I still went swimming with them so my son wouldn't miss out but he's been nearly 4 weeks since he left and he's asking me to go swimming with them today so my 2 year old doesn't miss out. This just hurts me because we are no longer a family and it hurts me going along like we are. He has no consideration for my feelings at all and he makes me feel guilty by saying my son will miss out in swimming with his sisters.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 15/07/2018 09:38

He says, he says, he says...

Just. Say. No.

Your 2 year old is missing out on fuck all.

category12 · 15/07/2018 09:48

Options:

  • You do something nice with the toddler while he takes the others.
  • He chooses another activity he can do with all the dc.

He's deliberately creating situations to make you dance to his tune. He is all about controlling you.

daisychain01 · 15/07/2018 10:10

he's asking me to go swimming with them today so my 2 year old doesn't miss out

Taketwo, it's a classic example of emotional blackmail talking about any of your DC "missing out", you'll be the bad person if you don't agree to do as he says. Who cares what he says, his thoughts on the matter are completely irrelevant.

Make you own arrangements for swimming independently and work things through for yourself. Try not to have any dependence whatsoever on him, even if there is some inconvenience so you increasingly edit him out of your arrangements but obviously the DC still have a relationship with their DF.

It's so so hard currently as it's very raw and he is trying to rub salt into the wounds. Stay strong, you are sooooo better without him, he's a loser Flowers

daisychain01 · 15/07/2018 10:11

You need to formalise the care arrangements asap it will make life easier.

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