Is he trying to rub salt in my wounds?

[TakeTwoOfThat]

So many might have read the threads ive been writing about my husband..

A BIT OF A BACK STORY.

I recently found out he had text a random woman off the internet and then sent money to another. He blamed me saying I caused him to do it because of my 'behaviour' so we had a massive row and he slept in the car, he said sorry after a few days and we sat down and both agreed to made changes. we was getting on better apart from the fact I struggled to trust him when he went out or to the gym alone and he expected me to trust him again in a day.

Then fast forward to Tuesday this week, he said he had to go take something to his cousin to pack in his suitcase as he was going back home. he said he would go to the gym straight after. He was gone 3 hours and didn't even message me when he will be back (he usually messages me that hes in the gym) but he didn't so I rang him and text and he ignored me. Then a few minutes later he said he went for a beer with his cousin then to the gym (who goes to the pub in gym clothes?)but I didn't believe him because he acted odd before he left like he was hiding something then I rang my uncle (his cousin was staying with my uncle) to see whether his story matches up and according to my uncle and his cousin, he didn't even go for a beer and just dropped off the items that's it. Then when I asked my husband where he really was he couldn't answer and just kept saying with his cousin

So then Tuesday my husband said hes leaving me and comes amd collects his belongings (but he leaves a few things in his wardrobe and drawers) he swears on his kids lives that he will never get back with me (so I know he really is leaving me as he wouldn't say that if he wasn't certain) Any he calls in to see kids over next couple of days and keeps taking random stuff from his wardrobe and drawers, Is he messing with my head as he could have took it all at once. Then today he text me saying he wanted to come and say night to the kids so I agreed, he came around 7 and stayed about half an hour and went into my freezer looking for a frozen meal I made days ago, then he looks In my cupboard. Then he goes up to put my son to bed and I follow up to say night to my son like we do every night.. I lie on my bed and he walks out of our room (my son is in my room) and then turns back comes in and mumbles (what else do I need from here?) and takes one white tshirt....yes one tshirt that I think he doesn't even like anymore and walks out of the house and doesn't say bye, Is he doing this to torment me? to rub salt in my wounds? he knows I deeply love him and I feel like hes rubbing it in my face that hes left me

is this normal behaviour for somone whoes just left their wife?

The thing is, he only TOLD you something was wrong 3 weeks ago. He could have been messing around for months.

Op what is it about him that you still love.

OP - in the kindest way, you are giving him way too much, because you want him back. You will take him back , and he knows this, which is why he is behaving like this.

You need to treat this more like a business deal - set times/dates for seeing the children, no more reporting to him how the school run went. No more random text messages, and no more asking him how long he wants you to wait for. Tell him youre going to see a lawyer, and ask him if he has one too. You need to realise this man does NOT LOVE YOU anymore, he has well and truly shafted you over, the mother of his children, but still thinks he can use for for sex? No. You are stronger than this. We will support you but you have to stop giving him ammunition.

I'd stop telling the DC when he's coming, that way they won't be disappointed when he blows them off for his gf.

OK fine, you still love him. But he does not love you. Sorry to be blunt, but it's the truth. And so all the love in the world, all the catering to him in the world, is NOT going to bring him back to you.

It's time to stop thinking "But I love him" and start thinking "I love him BUT.....". I love him but he doesn't treat me kindly. I love him but he isn't a good father. I love him but he's a cheat and a liar. You'll get over him eventually. But you have to start making the effort to do so.

He told the DCs he was coming to see them tonight and he didn't. Don't know how he can even do that to the kids. But at least I know now that it's just me and the kids now. And he's chosen his path, he can lie on it now. And he even had the cheek to ask me if me could keep his car at my house and stay over at my house on Friday for his night out so he can save money I'm taxis. What a joke. And I fell for a man like that. Everything is hitting me at once tonight, but I guess that's a good thing and all I can do now is move on

Yes I think you need to feel the devastation and then regroup and know and start to move on and feel the power to say no

Did you see a solicitor?

I'm so sorry you're going through this! I'm a child of divorce and my father dragged me into everything every argument every manipulative ploy everything when I was 8 years old. He did it to try and make my mum feel like she was insane. So I vividly remember these behaviours.

You are strong. You can do this. Get angry and hold onto that anger for now it will be your life jacket! Focus on your kids, making homemade pizza and dough and it going a bit black is not a failure it's fucking awesome with everything you are going through.

Keep going with the solicitor, set rules and boundaries and stick to them! Ignore his messages unless they are specific arrangement related ie "I will be there at 8am to pick kids up as agreed" do not engage.

Keep pestering the CSA and benefits. Keep pestering the doctor for support. In the meantime the website the big white wall is an amazing self help resource.

You can do this. Your kids will get through this and see how amazing and strong you've been.

Hold onto that anger for now!

I hope you told him to bugger off re the parking.

How did you get on at the solicitors?

Keep this thread, it will be good to refer back to with dates etc.

I’ve just read the lot. And I have read a story of a man who is desperate to hurt and destroy the woman he is leaving. It’s a story of a man who is consumed with guilt, which is one of the most powerful emotions I’ve ever come across (sadly). It is driving him to great lengths to hurt, hurt and hurt you. To drive you mad, to break you, to bend you into a horrible person yourself... because then he can stop feeling guilty.

At the moment, in his heart of hearts, he carries a huge weight of guilt, so he’s fighting back hard at the evil women to blame for making him feel bad... err, you, unfortuneately.

He will go to extraordinary lengths to rid his heart of this horrible burden, and it’s all directed at you, because, well, what he’s done to you is making him feel guilty, whether you mean him to or not. Weirdly, you are almost irrelevant in this situation. It’s between him and his ego... so maybe not weird really, when I think about it.

Don’t be manipulated into behaving in the way he wants you to. He wants to pass the blame to you. He wants to goad you into reacting, by abusing you worse and worse and worse.

Please start putting some walls up around yourself, at the moment he is able to hurt you so badly whenever he wants. And he loves that... you don’t have to be rude, or shout or anything if that’s not your style.

You will recover from this, you really will. And, in time, life will get brighter again, and gradually fill up with love and friendship in all its forms.

But he won’t ever be able to move on because he is stuck in a prison of his own dark soul. He’s small and petty and so so selfish that he’d rather crush a wonderful woman who gave everything to him, than be a wonderful enough man to stand tall next to her. He’d rather hurt his children to score cheap shots at the woman he loved, than be a good father and the role model those children deserve. What a vile nasty sneaky little cruel wanker. Selfish to the core. Couldn’t keep up the pretence of beind a decent human being in the end...

Thanks
I've not seen a solicitor yet I'm doing it tomorrow hopefully ( not had any free time to so anything)

@WellThisIsShit he never accepts responsibility for anything. It's all my fault that he has financial problems because I messed with his head
It's all my fault he went chatting to random woman and sending one of them money. I made him do it apparently. But one thing I do is think back, and I gave him sex when he wanted, affection and love, I laughed with him, had conversations with him, told him I loved him, asked his is day at work was. I didn't trust him yes but that's his fault so how could I have made him do all this stuff when I was nice to him. He said he spent years trying to 'fix me' to make me not end up like my 'mother' and it 'drained him'
But when I look back, it has been the same old crap, he would give me a list of things I needed to change and I had to agree. And even though I did my best to 'change' these things he still went off with woman. And when I think about it I had just turned 17 when j met him and he was 9 years older so he was around 26. So I sometimes wonder he took advantage of my naive immature mind at 17 and completely turned me into a wreck. He wants to have the freedom of going out doing his own things whilst I'm left With the kids and only having to come back
To see the kids and because I object to that I'm the enemy. I'm trying to think of all the bad things he's done just so I can hate him, like the time I had just given birth to me 3rd child and he went out drinking with his cousin till 6 in the morning.

Fuck him and the horse he rode in on!!

So your 30.
Well girl get out your hair dryer. And face paint, do it for you...
Time to reinvent yourself.
Get your DD to help you do make up, the you tubes will give you both loads to giggle at.
ASDA do cheap t shirts in bright colours.
Do an online shop for all the heavy stuff. Cheaper than a taxi there and back.
Pick a room and get the kids to help you revamp it.... Really move it around and make this look different. It helps do much when his chair is no longer in the same spot...
Find a new hobby, and when he tells you he is wants to visit, don't tell the children, so they only know when he arrives, so he stops upsetting them.
You don't need to reply to all his text...
But if you must just right,,, fine or OK..
Don't let him into your life, and keep remembering your better than this, and he isn't going to like it when he has to pay up. Don't go the he can just hand some to you. Let it be taken off him by CSA as otherwise he will always be saying he is broke... And won't pay you but will spend it down the pub.
Accepting it is over is for the best. Don't do the pick me dance, or he will repeat this over and over, tell him he is right it is over and you both deserve someone better..
If you have to change to be the woman he wants. Then he is not the man for you... You deserve someone nice...

He did take advantage

I think you should look at the freedom programme I think you have a lot to unpick in your relationship and a lot that due to the age gap you have normalised

Thanks again everyone. I will look into the freedom project it sounds like it could be helpful for me.
Today he's picked my son up for the day so I'll Some time to make some calls and stuff. He says he has no money yet he's bought a pair of new trainers and a pair of new shoes in the space of a few days, he's also going to the Chester races on Friday so he has money. And he wanted to stay at mine to save taxi money!! He's actually gone really down hill since he left, he's lost all responsibility and spending money like anything and when we were together he never did that.

Yes, but reality will bite him soon, just hang in there, the child support don't give a sniff about his debts they take it off what he earns...
I think it's very sad how he has become such a Disney dad, and when he asks how you spend your money, tell him none of his business.
You will notice a heck of a change for the better finance wise when your not having to pay out for all his treats... Or food...

Don't let him stay over, or you will find he wants sex as well, and it will be we can share the bed as we are still married, and the sofa will be uncomfortable, and suddenly you will find your a bootie call, as well as him dating other woman..
As the song says you ain't getting over him while your under him.

@mummmy2017 thanks a lot

Im definitely not gong to let him stay over. He tried to guilt trip me that he will have to sleep in the car because the 'place' he's staying is far from the the place he will be going out drinking after. But it's not my problem! He wanted to leave, he can't use it as a hotel!

He doesn't love you anymore but I'm sure he loves the kids. I'd say let him see them - this way you would appear a s a noble person, plus the kids love the dad too - but reduce contact with him to minimum, so that you don't get more upset.
It's probably not possible to save the marriage; so all you can do is not to aggravate the situation. people get very angry in this cases, both partners. The worst which could happen when one partner left is that the leaver can get some other woman pregnant, and this can throw a lot of shit when it comes to court for judges are most concerned about financial wellbeing of this unborn child. So, if at all possible, let him pick his stuff and get lost, don't attack him and hopefully, after a while, you two will be able to have a conversation on how to live past-separation and what you pledge to each other (like, you don't revenge and allow him to see kids, but he understands his financial responsibility to them and doesn't complicate the matter further).

Of course, I don't know you and this might be a useless advice. Speak to a solicitor about what might happen (they would know from their practice) and what would be your options of defence. Good luck and stay strong.

One thing I'm struggling with is him introducing another woman To my kids this soon when it's so early and my kids are already confused. I'm so worried he will have another woman around my 2 year old son today and she's a stranger and I don't know nothing about her. I don't trust people well and this is one thing I can't get past. I'm very anxious about any stranger I don't know being around my son. How do I get past this ?

yes, and as it's him who left - the onus is on him to find where he can stay, his responsibility entirely. Agree with the previous posts, don't let him stay in the house.

He took my son out and he's text me saying 'he's made my life harder, he messed about'

He will see now what it's like to be a parent and take them out alone

Just ignore that text. I’d ignore all methods of communication with him unless he’s asking a direct question about the dc.

How is drop off and collection handled? Does your ex come into the house? I see that he’s constantly saying things that upset you. Can you open the door, stand on the door step, take your dc in and close the door. Giving him little or no chance to abuse you. Don’t ask how he was etc, just say hello to dc, hug, take him inside and shut the door behind you. You need to start setting physical boundaries too

He's trying to goad you in to losing your temper, so he can say that you are impossible because at the moment it all down to him and he doesn't like being the bad guy.

He also doesn't like you ignoring him so he will keep pushing and pushing you do react. Time to be a grey rock and ignore all his bragging and baiting you.

Well done, the fun goes out of his leaving when you show you can cope.
Don't engage as said, you know he won't let you win an argument...
As to your anxieties, I do wonder if some of it is from him and the way he treated you. You have been conditioned to think you feel this way, I just want you to roar I am woman... And grow...