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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he trying to rub salt in my wounds?

425 replies

TakeTwoOfThat · 21/06/2018 21:51

So many might have read the threads ive been writing about my husband..

A BIT OF A BACK STORY.

I recently found out he had text a random woman off the internet and then sent money to another. He blamed me saying I caused him to do it because of my 'behaviour' so we had a massive row and he slept in the car, he said sorry after a few days and we sat down and both agreed to made changes. we was getting on better apart from the fact I struggled to trust him when he went out or to the gym alone and he expected me to trust him again in a day.

Then fast forward to Tuesday this week, he said he had to go take something to his cousin to pack in his suitcase as he was going back home. he said he would go to the gym straight after. He was gone 3 hours and didn't even message me when he will be back (he usually messages me that hes in the gym) but he didn't so I rang him and text and he ignored me. Then a few minutes later he said he went for a beer with his cousin then to the gym (who goes to the pub in gym clothes?)but I didn't believe him because he acted odd before he left like he was hiding something then I rang my uncle (his cousin was staying with my uncle) to see whether his story matches up and according to my uncle and his cousin, he didn't even go for a beer and just dropped off the items that's it. Then when I asked my husband where he really was he couldn't answer and just kept saying with his cousin

So then Tuesday my husband said hes leaving me and comes amd collects his belongings (but he leaves a few things in his wardrobe and drawers) he swears on his kids lives that he will never get back with me (so I know he really is leaving me as he wouldn't say that if he wasn't certain) Any he calls in to see kids over next couple of days and keeps taking random stuff from his wardrobe and drawers, Is he messing with my head as he could have took it all at once. Then today he text me saying he wanted to come and say night to the kids so I agreed, he came around 7 and stayed about half an hour and went into my freezer looking for a frozen meal I made days ago, then he looks In my cupboard. Then he goes up to put my son to bed and I follow up to say night to my son like we do every night.. I lie on my bed and he walks out of our room (my son is in my room) and then turns back comes in and mumbles (what else do I need from here?) and takes one white tshirt....yes one tshirt that I think he doesn't even like anymore and walks out of the house and doesn't say bye, Is he doing this to torment me? to rub salt in my wounds? he knows I deeply love him and I feel like hes rubbing it in my face that hes left me

is this normal behaviour for somone whoes just left their wife?

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 15/07/2018 10:25

Tell him 'It's like you said to me, we both need to get used to managing on our own. So you need to get on and manage the kids on your time with them, the same as I do on mine'.

Honeyroar · 15/07/2018 10:51

He finds a different member of his family to go with him or he finds something different to do with the children. Just say sorry but it's best if you keep things seperate from now on, and you don't want to do things as a family anymore.

BadassUnicorn · 15/07/2018 11:01

The man comes across as a textbook sociopath. Lots of info online about it. Read up about it because they are not your run of the mill ex and you have to know what you are dealing with.

Your priority should be to have a solicitor get things in place ASAP so you are protected financially, and have basic things like visiting times and child support in place. If it were me, no child support would mean he has no access to the children. He can't have his cake and eat it.

Get your GP to refer you to counselling with a psychologist right away, if you have to exaggerate how bad you are feeling to the GP in order to get referred, do so. You need professional help getting through this and the 13 years you have been married to the asshole.

It will feel hard because you probably just want to curl up under the duvet and make it all go away, but make sure your home is tidy and clean, and you feel and look smart. It's for your own benefit to feel good, no one else's. Also write a diary about how you are feeling, make sure no one else can read it. It can be very cathartic and help you realise what an absolute d*ck the man is, will help you get over him and make you so angry you will have all the energy in the world to get him out of your life and head for good.

It probably doesn't feel like it now, but in 6 months time you will look back and see how much better off you and your children are without him.

You can do this Flowers

category12 · 15/07/2018 11:01

"It's like you said to me, we both need to get used to managing on our own. So you need to get on and manage the kids on your time with them, the same as I do on mine'."

This ^

Start having some stock, mostly bland responses to use with him and 'gray rock' him. He wants you hurting and upset and running around to suit him. You need to disengage emotionally.

BadassUnicorn · 15/07/2018 11:07

This is a good place to get started on learning about sociopaths (here they refer to them as having antisocial personality disorder):

outofthefog.website/personality-disorders-1/2015/12/6/antisocial-personality-disorder-aspd

Thebluedog · 15/07/2018 17:51

He can take the ids swimming in two separate occasions . Your 2yr old won’t miss out, take him on your own when your other dc are at school. He’s creating situations t try and tell you what to do.

Just say no!

Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 15/07/2018 17:55

Thank you all agiam. I didn't go swimming. He them for a walk instead. From now on he can take the 4 girls and then when they are at school he can take my son on his own on his day off or I will take my son when my kids are at school. I'm starting to make plans to make my life easier. I have one of those travel system for my son because we had the car so was ideal but now I'm alone I'll have to sell it ( breaks my heart because it's a lovely pram) and I ordered a simple pushchair that I can easily fold in one ( the other dismantled in two só was hard) and it feels like I've achieved something to make my life easier. I just need to get over all the other hurdles but hopefully o will get there.

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 15/07/2018 18:14

We’ll do be Op Flowers

Thingsdogetbetter · 15/07/2018 18:33

OP. Just want to say I've been following this thread from the beginning and the change in your posts have been phenomenal. From the confused heartbreak at the beginning to the realisation that you can and will cope has been wonderful to follow. You rock!

Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 16/07/2018 14:28

Anyone else find this weird. He came to pick son up today and he was wearing his wedding ring.. he has just finished work and had forgot to take it off and didn't realise because when he dropped son off his ring was off again. So he's been wearing his wedding ring to work and obviously not told anyone in the last 4 weeks his marriage is over. I'm not bothered by it I just find it all odd.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 16/07/2018 15:16

He says, he says, he says...

Just. Say. No

Your 2 year old is missing out on fuck all

this...

well done OP Flowers

category12 · 16/07/2018 18:12

It's pretty embarrassing being that guy who just walked out out on his wife and small children so he's probably working on a slow reveal/good story for work.

category12 · 16/07/2018 18:15

And if what he's doing doesn't work out, he's still intending on walking back in and you being incredibly grateful - so making the split public and then going back on it would be doubly embarrassing.

MiniMimi00 · 16/07/2018 18:48

He's playing mind fuck games with you. Ignore.

OR... post on FB - "thank you everyone for your help and support during this difficult time, I appreciate all of you".

And watch the bastard panic.

Whocansay · 16/07/2018 19:39

He doesn't want people to know what he's done, because despite what he says to you, he knows what he's done is very wrong and people will judge him.

Nellia · 16/07/2018 20:23

Op have been following your posr for a while and mean this in the most aupportive way possible: Does it really matter why he does it?
Has he not yet done enough for you to think that this person is not good for you?

Stop thinking about what he does and why he does it. Think about what you need to do, what your life will look like in a few years time how you want to live in the future where he doesnt own your actions.

shinyredbus · 16/07/2018 21:55

Hi op - stop caring about what he is doing - he's just trying to confuse you.And its working - youre questioning everything. Why do you care? Hes your ex. Move on, get a lawyer. Good luck.

Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 20/07/2018 08:31

The past few days I've realised what that idiots wants out of me. He wants me to be a door mat. Last night was my daughters leavers assembly so he came. Then this morning was her School party so he was taking her. She was wearing a nice shirt dress that I had ironed. He said 'she's not wearing that'
I said 'why?'
He said 'you don't ask me why?. Use your brain, I am the man here, no woman asks a man why, they just do as I say'

So these things just make me see him for what he is, he wants a door mat and for her to do as he wishes. Just makes me get over him quicker when he behaves like this. I don't want to be a door mat

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 20/07/2018 08:59

What a complete arsehole!!

You. We’d to formulate and arrange he regular visits. He picks the dc up outside the house with minimal contact with you.

Nellia · 20/07/2018 09:13

Op please speak to womens aid. It sounds like his behaviour waa bad before but this now sounds like it could esculate into aomehing quite dark and dangerous.
Are you getting any kind of support in real life?

Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 20/07/2018 10:32

@Nellia I spoke to woman's aid last week and told them about everything that has gone on and they agreed it's all abuse and very common tactics. They told me there are always woman's refuges if Things spiralled and I could stay in one of them.
Brings me back to me being a child, me and my brother and mum stayed in a woman's refuge when I was a child because of my abusive father.. seems like history has related it self and it makes me really sad and makes me feel guilty for my own children

OP posts:
Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 20/07/2018 10:33

@Thebluedog thank you x he is an asshole and took me so long to see it!

Im trying to have less contact and less convos with him as much as possible

OP posts:
Nellia · 20/07/2018 10:51

You are not the perpetrator he is so do not feel guilty.
There is a saying that hindsight is a wonderdull thing but on one has it in advance. You did not know you would end up as you have.

Honeyroar · 20/07/2018 11:05

Did you manage to see a solicitor? I really think you need something official in place and someone on your side. I wouldn't have him back in the house after this episode- if he needs to go to any school occasions he can meet you there.

shinyredbus · 20/07/2018 11:42

If things spiral out of control? Sorry but I would say that boat has sailed. You need to divorce this man.