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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he trying to rub salt in my wounds?

425 replies

TakeTwoOfThat · 21/06/2018 21:51

So many might have read the threads ive been writing about my husband..

A BIT OF A BACK STORY.

I recently found out he had text a random woman off the internet and then sent money to another. He blamed me saying I caused him to do it because of my 'behaviour' so we had a massive row and he slept in the car, he said sorry after a few days and we sat down and both agreed to made changes. we was getting on better apart from the fact I struggled to trust him when he went out or to the gym alone and he expected me to trust him again in a day.

Then fast forward to Tuesday this week, he said he had to go take something to his cousin to pack in his suitcase as he was going back home. he said he would go to the gym straight after. He was gone 3 hours and didn't even message me when he will be back (he usually messages me that hes in the gym) but he didn't so I rang him and text and he ignored me. Then a few minutes later he said he went for a beer with his cousin then to the gym (who goes to the pub in gym clothes?)but I didn't believe him because he acted odd before he left like he was hiding something then I rang my uncle (his cousin was staying with my uncle) to see whether his story matches up and according to my uncle and his cousin, he didn't even go for a beer and just dropped off the items that's it. Then when I asked my husband where he really was he couldn't answer and just kept saying with his cousin

So then Tuesday my husband said hes leaving me and comes amd collects his belongings (but he leaves a few things in his wardrobe and drawers) he swears on his kids lives that he will never get back with me (so I know he really is leaving me as he wouldn't say that if he wasn't certain) Any he calls in to see kids over next couple of days and keeps taking random stuff from his wardrobe and drawers, Is he messing with my head as he could have took it all at once. Then today he text me saying he wanted to come and say night to the kids so I agreed, he came around 7 and stayed about half an hour and went into my freezer looking for a frozen meal I made days ago, then he looks In my cupboard. Then he goes up to put my son to bed and I follow up to say night to my son like we do every night.. I lie on my bed and he walks out of our room (my son is in my room) and then turns back comes in and mumbles (what else do I need from here?) and takes one white tshirt....yes one tshirt that I think he doesn't even like anymore and walks out of the house and doesn't say bye, Is he doing this to torment me? to rub salt in my wounds? he knows I deeply love him and I feel like hes rubbing it in my face that hes left me

is this normal behaviour for somone whoes just left their wife?

OP posts:
TakeTwoOfThat · 08/07/2018 09:29

I've woke up extremely angry! He's actually admitted that all he help he was giving me with the kids he will withdraw. He said he wants me to go In taxis doing the shopping and wants me to struggle to see how much I should have appreciated him. So he will come and see kids but won't help with the practical stuff. Makes me angry that he's intent in Making me suffer.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 08/07/2018 09:32

Use that anger - he has responsibilities he cannot ignore so dont let him

Nellia · 08/07/2018 09:41

Why would you want him to take you. The less time you have in his company the better. Just do an online order so much easier than a supermarket treck...

Honeyroar · 08/07/2018 11:04

You shouldn't be relying on him taking you. Everyone keeps telling you to step away from him, work out how to have him see the children on his own, work out how much he needs to pay you.

Make some tiny steps. You'll feel so much better and stronger when you are independent.

category12 · 08/07/2018 11:21

They're his kids, he has a responsibility towards them - if he wants to trash his relationship with them, that's his choice.

You really need to move things on and stop listening to his bullshit.

Yes, you do need to be independent, not because of anything he's said, but because he's a twat you don't need in your life. Taxis would be silly - online shopping will be a lot easier. You don't need him. I hope you don't want him. But thousands of women go it alone with dc all the time and do just fine - he can ftfo.

TakeTwoOfThat · 08/07/2018 12:35

He's just a piss taker ( sorry for my swearing) but he said he would be here for 10 to take them out for a walk, then text me Saying sorry it will be 11:30, then text saying no I'll be there for 12 and it's now 12:34 and he hasn't turned up. He won't be doing this when I've seen a solicitor. Messing me around like this. I'm going to put plans in place where he can't take the piss like this.

OP posts:
category12 · 08/07/2018 13:19

Take them out yourself, don't be waiting in for him to show up. (Unless you'd rather be at home - don't do it just out of spite, but if you're going stir-crazy, go out - he's had his opportunity).

Nellia · 08/07/2018 13:33

What catagory 12 said.
You do not have to sit round letting him run your life!

Honeyroar · 09/07/2018 00:27

If he's not there when he says go out. DO NOT let him chop and change times. If he doesn't come on time, tough shit, he loses - he doesn't get to mess you about... I'm glad you're going to get legal advice and get things in place. Start showing him this split is not going to go his way or be as easy as he e pests. Show him you're going to put yourself and the kids first.

I once had a fiancé cheat on me and we split up. One of my male friends, who had cheated on his first wife, gave me some advice. He said get everything sorted out as soon as possible, because he (the cheat) will only feel guilty for a while, when everyone finds out, then he will quickly start thinking about himself again..

TakeTwoOfThat · 10/07/2018 10:50

When I see a solicitor will he have to stick up set days in seeing the kids? Because right now he's wanting to see them as he pleases. Like usually he has 2 days off a week but this week has lied to me saying he only has one week off and that's Friday but he's going to Chester races with his mates. So I've not had any time to myself. I know he's got Thursday off because I know how many hours he has to do and it doesn't add up. So he's lying and has both days off but tells me he's working. I feel like I'm going to be made to run my life around his whilst he has his fun. Can I make him stick to set times ?

OP posts:
TakeTwoOfThat · 10/07/2018 10:52

One day off not week

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 10/07/2018 10:58

Yes you can one day in the week and every other weekend and set times

Honeyroar · 10/07/2018 15:15

You wouldn't be unreasonable to say he needs to see them on set days now. Tell him you all need routine and regularly, to know what's happening. Tell him it will help make the split smoother for the children..

AcrossthePond55 · 10/07/2018 17:39

When I see a solicitor will he have to stick up set days in seeing the kids? ...... So I've not had any time to myself.

To the extent that he can only see them on those set days unless you agree to change the schedule, yes. BUT, if you mean will he will be forced to take them on his scheduled days, no. He'll still be perfectly free to cancel his access days if and when he feels like it. What you won't have to do is agree to different days when he does.

So as far as time to yourself, don't count on it simply based on the access schedule.

category12 · 10/07/2018 19:48

You can tell him set times now and keep to them. You can't make him turn up, but you don't have to let him take them when it's not his time. Work out what suits you, and start living your life.

TakeTwoOfThat · 11/07/2018 10:28

Just realised what a piece of shit he really is. He came to pick my 2 year old son up and said to him ' I want more boys, do you want a new brother, a half brother'

He's a piece of shit! Trying to goad me but he didn't get the reaction he wanted from me. What an insensitive piece of shit. He can't even pick his son up without getting to me. I glad I have this thread and you guys or else I think I would just go mad.

OP posts:
WinterSunglasses · 11/07/2018 12:49

Dick. Ignore every single comment like this. Act as if he's not spoken at all. Don't give him what he wants which is a reaction. And phone a solicitor and ask for an initial chat asap. That will often be free.

TakeTwoOfThat · 11/07/2018 16:52

I think I'm at breaking point! He keeps saying when he comes for the kids 'what will you do if I get a gf'

What kind of insensitive prick talks about new gfs 3 weeks after leaving their wife?? Im trying to block it out but it's getting to me

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 11/07/2018 17:21

He's just trying to get a rise out of you!!! Don't let him. Next time he says it say "Well, honestly I would be glad. Maybe she'll be able to straighten your arse out. God knows I tried and failed!".

ShootingQuadrantids · 11/07/2018 18:19

Just read the whole thread. What a complete bastard of a man! You're better off without him OP. My DF treat my DM like this and needless to say, once he'd left, the home was a more settled place without him. That is to say once DM had gone through her grief for the loss of her marriage ThanksWine

Nellia · 11/07/2018 18:50

You are not at breaking point.

You have survived 3 weeks with him gone you will survive another 1 and another one and then before you know it you will have gone from surviving to thriving. Just be patient with yourself and ignore him.

Honeyroar · 11/07/2018 19:09

Just ignore him and get talking to that lawyer.

Quartz2208 · 11/07/2018 19:23

OP how will you feel when he reveals he has a new girlfriend?

Whocansay · 11/07/2018 19:36

I would have asked him what he would do if you got a new boyfriend?

Seriously, stop talking to him. Talk about the children and NOTHING ELSE. He wants to know he can come back whenever he likes. You aren't playing his game, so he's turning nasty.

And if he fucks you around with times for picking up the kids, give him 30 mins and then leave the house with them. If he bothers turning up, he can come and find you, otherwise you can get on with your day.

Your are giving this twat way too much power. Hopefully, you are beginning to see what we see. He's a seriously nasty bastard.

TakeTwoOfThat · 11/07/2018 19:38

@Quartz2208 I would be devastated to be honest, because I still love him and he's moved on only after 3 weeks. But I will just have To deal with it.

He said he would come to see the kids tonight at 6:30, he didn't turn up, his gf probably came first. My kids are sad he didn't turn... our lives are a mess because of him and he just gets to move in with another girl

OP posts:
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