Is he trying to rub salt in my wounds?

[TakeTwoOfThat]

So many might have read the threads ive been writing about my husband..

A BIT OF A BACK STORY.

I recently found out he had text a random woman off the internet and then sent money to another. He blamed me saying I caused him to do it because of my 'behaviour' so we had a massive row and he slept in the car, he said sorry after a few days and we sat down and both agreed to made changes. we was getting on better apart from the fact I struggled to trust him when he went out or to the gym alone and he expected me to trust him again in a day.

Then fast forward to Tuesday this week, he said he had to go take something to his cousin to pack in his suitcase as he was going back home. he said he would go to the gym straight after. He was gone 3 hours and didn't even message me when he will be back (he usually messages me that hes in the gym) but he didn't so I rang him and text and he ignored me. Then a few minutes later he said he went for a beer with his cousin then to the gym (who goes to the pub in gym clothes?)but I didn't believe him because he acted odd before he left like he was hiding something then I rang my uncle (his cousin was staying with my uncle) to see whether his story matches up and according to my uncle and his cousin, he didn't even go for a beer and just dropped off the items that's it. Then when I asked my husband where he really was he couldn't answer and just kept saying with his cousin

So then Tuesday my husband said hes leaving me and comes amd collects his belongings (but he leaves a few things in his wardrobe and drawers) he swears on his kids lives that he will never get back with me (so I know he really is leaving me as he wouldn't say that if he wasn't certain) Any he calls in to see kids over next couple of days and keeps taking random stuff from his wardrobe and drawers, Is he messing with my head as he could have took it all at once. Then today he text me saying he wanted to come and say night to the kids so I agreed, he came around 7 and stayed about half an hour and went into my freezer looking for a frozen meal I made days ago, then he looks In my cupboard. Then he goes up to put my son to bed and I follow up to say night to my son like we do every night.. I lie on my bed and he walks out of our room (my son is in my room) and then turns back comes in and mumbles (what else do I need from here?) and takes one white tshirt....yes one tshirt that I think he doesn't even like anymore and walks out of the house and doesn't say bye, Is he doing this to torment me? to rub salt in my wounds? he knows I deeply love him and I feel like hes rubbing it in my face that hes left me

is this normal behaviour for somone whoes just left their wife?

Hiya
Need some advice

So he's booked a holiday for him and the kids ( uk holiday) from Friday to Monday. I don't know how I will cope when everything is still raw. Taking the kids away like that and he's already booked it. If I said no to taking them he would tell me I'm selfish for stopping him. I think all this is to show me that he's the 'better parent' because he has a car and money to take them on Holiday and the most I can do is take them to the park.
How do you get through those days? I've never been away from them so Long.
He did originally invite me to help with the kids ( although I know this Isn't really a good idea) but then said 'I actually don't want you there as you will spoil it)
I know I can't legally stop him taking the kids on holiday as he is their parent too but I wish he would have left it until things were a bit less raw

Don't say no and don't go with them. I know that will be hard to resist doing but you must. He has to step up and parent them on his own. That's what single parenting is. It's what you do all the time! And ignore his shitty comment. I guarantee he will be wishing you were there at some point, even if he never admits it. Just wait for the texts or calls you'll get asking you things, or complaining about the kids, once they are there. Take your time replying and remember it's his job to deal with it!

Being away from the kids is hard but the first time is the worst, and there is an upside of some precious time for yourself. What do you like doing? Work out what you'll do with those days. Go for walks in nice places near you (free), listen to music you like. Get friends round for a film, wine and popcorn night on the cheap or even just a brew and chat without kids around. You will get through fine.

You'll have to just grit your teeth and get through it.

Try to make a 'to do' list of time consuming busy work chores. Things like cleaning out closets & cupboards, washing baseboards, culling out Xmas ornaments, you know the type I mean. Maybe it's time to tackle the garage or the shed (if you have one). The crap that you always think "Oh, that needs doing" or only do once in a blue moon. It doesn't cost anything (unlike painting rooms, or other redecorating) and it keeps you busy AND makes you tired out.

On a more relaxing note; go to the movies and see the movie that YOU want to see, read a good book, visit a friend, watch streaming video (again, something YOU want to see).

If you haven't seen The Handmaid's Tale, I highly recommend it. Not sure where it's streaming in the UK, though. Or (a suggestion on another thread) pick a movie star and watch as many of their films as you can find. Tom Hanks has loads of movies on streaming platforms from comedies to dramas.

You'll get through it. You really will. There will be times of tears and fits of the blues whilst their gone. But you WILL get through this!!!

As much as it will be hard let him go away with kids. It wont be long until he realises hoe much work it is looking after 5 kids on his own. And when he mentions it reply...... welcome to my world!!
Get some time to urself and enjoy the peice and quiet! Hes an absolute bell end of a guy!!

As much as it will be hard for you, grin and bear it. In front of your ex simply say that you’re happy they are going, they will have a fab time and it will give you chance for some much needed rest and fun. Smile and ignore him.

As for the actual time, use it to do something for you. Take time out, read a book, stay in bed, see your friends etc

As others have said.
However I would use the free time to seek legal advice and start divorce proceedings.

He will have a terrible week. And he won’t admit it but he will know how hard you work to look after those kids. Give him a very sweet not at all smug smile and say have a lovely time. Take good care of them, I’d hate to have to call social services on you! Anyway, (to the kids) can’t wait to see you kids again Friday , mummy will be so refreshed!

He’s only taking them because he thinks it will make you miserable. Don’t give him that.

Thanks everyone. I will take all your advice.
I took my kids out for lunch today and for an ice cream and he was expecting to come to take them out in the morning but I took them out and he text me asking me to let him know when i set off out and when I get home because he's waiting to take them out. I told him it's my day to take my kids out. It felt good to stand up to him and not just let him take the kids out, he expects to take them everyday this week just because it's his day off. Felt good for me to take my kids out and have a good day. And for once ever me and my kids behaved so well ( apart from the odd occasion) but we used the bus and everything and they actually held onto my sons park all the time. Sounds silly but I feel like achieved something!

Week off *

I'm surprised no one has mentioned it yet, or if they have then I missed it, but please look up the book 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft and get yourself a copy to read. This is a vile, abusive excuse for a man who would love nothing more than to see you struggle. He does not deserve your love. Let him take the children on holiday. Yes he might be doing it to get one up on you, and it will be hard to let them go for so long if you haven't been away from them for that long before but you need to stop caring what he thinks. How dare he dangle it in front of you by saying it would be good for the children for you to go, then saying no, actually you'd ruin it?! How fucking dare he say that?!
And what you've said before about him taking advantage of you as a young 19 year old, yes, yes he did. He saw you and targeted you on purpose.

Good for you OP

You did achieve something. Several things in fact, in one fell swoop . Well done OP.

Thanks everyone 
@WhiteVixen I had JUST turned 17 when we met and he had just turned 26. When I look back I can see how very wrong it is. I would not want that for my 4 daughters. When we met I was wearing cast off clothes passed down from my cousin Because my mum didn't buy me nothing, I didn't even look attractive, I was a mess! So even I think he did target me because he knew I was already in a bad position and bought me loads of clothes at the beginning of the relationship, I now see it was him wanting to be the 'hero'
And he said to me the other day via text 'all my behaviours were caused Because I was trying to fix you'
He's a piece of work and I'm hoping with time I will not even think of him anymore.

OP, you are amazing and so much stronger than you even realise. You will be fine. He actually has set you free, only he hasn't realised and didnt do it for you. But this will be the making of you.

OP you are an inspiration, you've seen through his crap, you are moving on, it will be hard, but you WILL get there, your kids will be happier and so will you!

And he said to me the other day via text 'all my behaviours were caused Because I was trying to fix you'

You don’t need fixing. You’re great just as you are.

Glad you said no to him and enjoyed your children, the park, and some ice cream.

He didn't want to fix you he wanted to keep you barefoot and pregnant chained to his the kitchen sink. So he could do what he wanted, when he wanted and you would just keep his house looked after and kids looked after.

You can and will change for the stronger now, because of this. You will teach your children what is the right way to treat people because you know what is it like to be treated badly.

Baby steps will keep you going forward.

Let him take the children away, use that time to do all the things you don't get time to do while looking after the children. Deep clean your house, get rid of extra stuff that you don't need and is just taking up space. Bag up all his crap that he still has at your home. And I'd do it first so when he brings them home early as he won't cope with them all together then give him all his rubbish.

You will cope without the children, you won't enjoy it, but you will cope because you have coped with so much more from him.

How are you doing OP?

My ex was 21 and I was 14 when we met, 26 and 19 when we married. Too young and naive I was and my parents tried to tell me. It's really practically grooming isn't it? Except I guess it's grooming more for obedience than sexual purposes.

Took me 5 years in the marriage to realize that the domestic abuse was wrong and I didn't deserve it. And I got the hell out. Luckily no kids so I never had to see him again.

You'll become hardened to his stupid comments and justifications in time.

Thanks everyone. I just feel very tearful sometimes and other times I feel all strong and ready for the day. Everytime I think about how loving he appeared to be in the marriage compared to how cold he is towards me just makes me cry and I know that's silly and that it's just abuse on his apart. I suppose this will pass in time.
@AcrossthePond55 yes I think it's exactly that.. grooming for obedience. I'm sorry you went through the same thing but I'm glad you came through it. I don't know why these men go with such young woman and then treat them badly. You was so young!! I hope you have found happiness now xx

Oh I have take two. I've been happily married for over 30 years to a man I met a few years after I escaped, we've raised two fine sons, and are enjoying retirement. Livin' the life.

There's a song I love by Rascal Flats called "God bless the broken road". The lyrics fit how I feel about my life with DH to a tee. And you'll get there too. I know it.

Just updating my thread really. It helps me to write stuff down. He's brought the kids back today. And he said he wanted to 'update me' on him getting his own place. He said he's thinking of getting shared ownership for a 3 bedroom house for when his kids stay over. I don't engage with him but he apparently wanted to update me but he wanted to really show me he can buy a nice 3 bed for him and his kids but I find it ridiculous that he would buy a 3 bed house for him to live in on his own for kids kids to come over a few nights a week. I just hope he's not planning on taking my kids to go live with him because why would he want a 3 bed? I'm just worried he is trying to get my kids to see what a nice life he can have ( our house isn't great) and my kids will choose to live with him in his nice new house. I try not to get down but these things just really get to me.

@AcrossthePond55 I'm glad you now happy. That's a lovely story to share 😊

They won't want to live with him. They'll know which parent is bothered day in day out. Just go 'oh yes, really, what an interesting idea' to this stuff and wait to see what actually happens. I would bet much of it will be all talk.

What did he say about the holiday? What have the kids said if anything?

Have you got child maintenance sorted out yet and regular times for him to have the kids.
If you've been a sahm for 12 years there's no way he'll get to take your kids away from you.