Husband gets violent when our children scream or cry

[Avocado10]

We have 2 children, DS is 18mths and DD is 6.5. Both have lovely sunny natures and would not be considered difficult children. I was always more in favour of having children (particularly the 2nd) than him but he is a great dad and does wonderful stuff with both of them that I would never think of. He has always struggled when they cry or particularly scream, it gets into his head, hurts his ears he says (he wears earplugs when putting DS to bed if he cries). He is also prone to depression now and then -on the one full day (ever) I left him minding both of them in March (Easter) while I was at work he was on the Samaritians website that evening and retreated into himself. Over the past few months there have been times when one or both DC is being difficult/crying/screaming and he has lost his rag. Not directly at them or me, but with anger directed at objects. Last year when he had both of them for a few hours one morning they both did something to annoy him and he smashed a fruit bowl and some mugs onto the floor - my daughter still talks about this. At Easter this year when he had that bad patch he nearly put his fist through a wall and nearly broke the kitchen door he slammed it so hard so many times whenever they made too much noise. Yesterday morning he was doing the nursery and school run (I rarely ask him to do both but I had a deadline in work) and my son apparently screamed for half an hour after I left for work, DD then yelled at him when he picked her up from school later on (she was exhausted after her school trip) and that evening DS screamed at DD when she took at toy off him in the garden - at which point DH took a shovel and bashed it against a wall very hard a number of times, partly smashing the chalkboard on it. He then stormed off without a word. DS and DD stood in the garden watching, DD gave DS a hug while DS just stood watching and then put his finger to his lips in a sssh motion. Obviously that was a bad day but it scared them. His anger is never directed at us, just at objects. He is not one for talking about it afterwards, besides, I don't know what to say as I feel it is my fault for putting us in this situation, he could happily have not had children. Is this reasonable behaviour? Do I just weather the storm and hope it will pass when they are a little older (he was not like this before we had kids)? Does he need help? He is scaring DD and I am worried what kind of impression it gives to both of them if they remember this when they are older.

He's not deliberately abusing his kids, he can't control it.
Why can't people try and understand sometimes? Is it really so difficult to try and see it from someone else's viewpoint occasionally & ask why instead of piling on to shout LTB

Well apart from the fact you dont know whether he can or cannot control it the effect on the children is still the same. Or dont they count when you ask if it is difficult to see it from someoene elses point of view?

I'm glad you're choosing to protect your children.

My dad was a very angry and aggressive man.
We have a great relationship now but I still have a lot of resentment towards him about the past.
I can't talk about it without crying, often have nightmares about him and still have some resentment towards my mum for not protecting me.

I had such a warped view of what was and wasn't acceptable from men that I ended up in abusive relationships as I thought that was normal. It took a lot of therapy and courage to realise that I deserve better.
I had it out with my dad a few years ago and found a man that is incredible. (I still get nervous if he's in a bad mood though)

I have a daughter of my own now and he's absolutely amazing with her (he's calmed down in his old age) but his behaviour when I was a child means that I've had to lay down some ground rules as it's my job to protect her.

I know that the road you're about to take seems daunting but you're saving your children from a lifetime of emotional scars that won't ever truly heal.
You're doing the right thing mama xxx

Whether he can or cannot control.it he should not be arpund dc when doing it. They have no choice.

If he was a teacher smashing the classroom he would be dismissed until.or unless he got help and was able to control.himself.

Being unable to control does not make it ok for kids to be living with this.
If he has gone today to seek help and agreed to live elsewhere til he can control it then op does not have to divorce him...

I hope you’re doing ok OP. It’s hard, reading all these really strong minded and extremely clear posts on here. I suspect you’ve been left reeling

My heart just breaks for your little girl trying to shh her baby brother while their home and garden is used regularly as a rampaging ground for a violent, unpredictable tyrant masquerading as their father on good days.

It must be like living out a horror film, but far far worse, as this is actually IN their home and not on a screen.

And they have to live it and are unable to turn it off like if it was a TV programme.

Real life out of control Monsters would be X certificate but you have let them watch and live with one OP.

Forget curtailing your behaviour or your DC's behaviour to try and appease him. That thinking is warped in itself.

If you want to help him you'll need to retrain as a psychiatric nurse first so that you can avoid all the triggers. But you can't do that and raise a family in the same environment.

One or the other op.

but he is a great dad and does wonderful stuff with both of them

Here we go again. Another "great dad" who gets angry and throws things......

He most definitely is not a great dad.

Great dads don't terrify their poor children.

@Avocado10 are you coming back to the thread?

This is child abuse. Simple

OP I honestly wouldn't bother trying to think of the reasons he does it. The fact that he does is enough to leave. Don't collude with him by rationalising it or wondering where to seek help for him. Your children are defenceless and have no choice. Please get them out of there. It's too late if they grow up with severe MH issues or worse if this anger becomes directed at them.

OP - as CaveDivingBelle says, the reasons aren't what's important.

In fact, the reasons are completely and utterly irrelevant. The fact that it's happening and pretty often by the sounds of things is all that you need to know. Until it's not happening your children's father MUST be removed from the family home whilst he sorts himself out. It would be entirely unreasonable for him to remain whilst he works through his anger and rage issues since any time he has one of his outbursts he is damaging the children a little more each time. If he's resistant to that then you will have to take yourself and your children away from the family home.

However, anything other than a complete admission from him that there's a massive problem and a willingness to immediately remove himself and do something concrete about it will tell you all you need to know (although for me I know enough already because of the fact that of his own accord he's not tried to do anything about it at all up to this point - just offer sound-sensitivity related excuses).

And all of that means you are the only one who can advocate for your children and safeguard them.

Which I really hope you do. I only used to see my parents argue - ding-dongs we'd call them where I come from. No one threatening violence, smashing things or displaying barely controlled physical rage like these kids are witnessing (how terrifying that must be for them). And I have lifelong anxiety that I have to live with day in and day out and have had since being a small child - that IS the future you'll be consigning your children to if you don't do something about it.

I did leave for the kids, my DCs have anxiety and depression as a result of living with ex, but with help they are coming through it. Our nice, calm, ex-free home is also helping all of us, massively.

Ex didn't have to shout much, but he was and is very intimidating, didn't respect personal space and boundaries, and we walked on eggshells, although he'd deny it.

OP, I hope you are still reading, even if you choose not to post. You are not, and cannot be, responsible for his mental health. He has to sort himself out, willingly, or leave. The fact that he shows violence, even just to objects, is alarming. Actually, even if he shows willing to get help and work on his MH, he needs to leave until he can control himself.

This is already damaging your DCs, as other have said. Please do right by them.

OP please listen to what Torvi says, it's absolutely correct advice - I know it's very very hard to hear.

Please call Womens aid. The eh needs to do a domestic abuse perpetrator course. You nee to live separately until the work is done. This is a child protection issue. Your daughter needs emotional support please talk to school about what they cN provide.
I expect your daughter will disclose to a teacher any day now about this behaviour and they will call social services.

I am a teacher @Avocado10 and if a child were to disclose this behaviour they're witnessing at home it would be taken very seriously as a safeguarding/child protection issue. Please do not allow your children to grow up thinking this is normal behaviour.

Be strong for your children and protect them. You've done the right thing in talking about your concerns and I hope you manage to get some support from family/friends.

Good luck x

I've been where he is, and I knew it was wrong, I felt absolutely awful and a shell of my actual self. It's what made me get medication for my depression and omg I am such a calmer, happier person and crying these days doesn't bother me like it used to. My bond with my son has improved massively.

Please don't write him off as abusive; I think he needs help to be able to be the best dad he can be because he's clearly not coping.

I don't disagree with you SteamingPistons but he should be completely willing to remove himself from the family home until he is no longer a cause of damage and distress to his children and his wife.

No one has to write him off as abusive - but his behaviour IS abusive as it stands now whether it's depression, a personality disorder, or any other issue - great if he can get it sorted but he shouldn't be around the children until he's got himself sorted out. End of. The children shouldn't be ongoing unwilling voiceless victims whilst he experiments to see if he really is an abusive shit or not - they need to be safeguarded immediately from this situation.

It is hard to hear, I know. It took me nearly two years to leave, my self esteem had been badly shattered and I was scared of coping alone.

I have no such worries now. Even my ex had admitted that I ruthlessly organised everything, once that decision was made.