Husband gets violent when our children scream or cry

[Avocado10]

We have 2 children, DS is 18mths and DD is 6.5. Both have lovely sunny natures and would not be considered difficult children. I was always more in favour of having children (particularly the 2nd) than him but he is a great dad and does wonderful stuff with both of them that I would never think of. He has always struggled when they cry or particularly scream, it gets into his head, hurts his ears he says (he wears earplugs when putting DS to bed if he cries). He is also prone to depression now and then -on the one full day (ever) I left him minding both of them in March (Easter) while I was at work he was on the Samaritians website that evening and retreated into himself. Over the past few months there have been times when one or both DC is being difficult/crying/screaming and he has lost his rag. Not directly at them or me, but with anger directed at objects. Last year when he had both of them for a few hours one morning they both did something to annoy him and he smashed a fruit bowl and some mugs onto the floor - my daughter still talks about this. At Easter this year when he had that bad patch he nearly put his fist through a wall and nearly broke the kitchen door he slammed it so hard so many times whenever they made too much noise. Yesterday morning he was doing the nursery and school run (I rarely ask him to do both but I had a deadline in work) and my son apparently screamed for half an hour after I left for work, DD then yelled at him when he picked her up from school later on (she was exhausted after her school trip) and that evening DS screamed at DD when she took at toy off him in the garden - at which point DH took a shovel and bashed it against a wall very hard a number of times, partly smashing the chalkboard on it. He then stormed off without a word. DS and DD stood in the garden watching, DD gave DS a hug while DS just stood watching and then put his finger to his lips in a sssh motion. Obviously that was a bad day but it scared them. His anger is never directed at us, just at objects. He is not one for talking about it afterwards, besides, I don't know what to say as I feel it is my fault for putting us in this situation, he could happily have not had children. Is this reasonable behaviour? Do I just weather the storm and hope it will pass when they are a little older (he was not like this before we had kids)? Does he need help? He is scaring DD and I am worried what kind of impression it gives to both of them if they remember this when they are older.

This is so sad. Your kids must be absolutely terrified of him. I am a grown woman and would be terrified if DP did this to me. You are the only one who can protect them. Please do the right thing, put them first and get them away from him.

Even if you around they still suffering this. He needs to go un til he has gotten help.(or decided to control himself)
As he is an adult he needs to go to.gp and ask for.help.
Although you can certainly give your story to gp ans you should as ypur dc may need therapy ....they cannot do anything for your dh un less he is the one to ask for help

GP would be the first step for a referral to audiology, possibly ask about OT for help to learn management strategies.

One question Avocado10 - does he remember what he's done or does he need to work it out from the mess/damage? If he remembers he's possibly got an easier road with learning to manage his responses because the pain isn't taking over completely (I couldn't remember, even when I nearly went over a 4th floor balcony trying to escape the pain).

I'm sorry OP but you need to separate from this man immediately. At the earliest possible second. You said you work which is great. I wouldn't talk to him about it as it may put you in serious danger. Do you have anywhere you can go, preferably today? What help he accesses from then on can be organised and thought about in the future once you're safe. To heavily emphasise this point: you and your children are not safe.

I'm afraid how much you live him and how nice he is the rest of the time is completely irrelevant. The nature of his outbursts are do extreme that if he directs even one of them towards you or the children, even once, he could kill you. If it happened to the children, it would kill them.

GP, MH serviced, whatever, the only current priority needs to be getting the children away from him and out of the house. If you have family, go and stay with them today. If not use whatever money is at your disposal to start finding somewhere else to live. Contact from this point on needs to be heavily supervised or through a contact centre only.

I’m really shocked by some of the posts on this thread.

What you said Me MyShelfandIkea 'I hope OP doesn't continue minimising his behaviour. It's what my mother did with my dad and I can't forgive her for not protecting me' and others who have said similar - is hitting home and hurting. I have to go now, need to get out of work early to do school pick up - was supposed to be DH but you have all talked me out of letting THAT happen! I will check in again later, might be after bedtimes .........am shaking now but thank you all again.

Avocado GP would be a good start.

I've told this story on here before one of my clearest early memories is me asking a school friend how often she got smacked and staring at her in disbelief when she said her parents never smacked her. Of course I internalised this and assumed I must be very naughty indeed for my dad to smack me so often because of course I didn't realise my dad was a nasty abusive bastard - it was just my "normal." I was 5 years old.

I realise your DH is hitting your children yet but don't underestimate what living in fear will do to them. Best case scenario they'll be prime targets to end up in abusive relationships when they're older.

Leave him. Take your children and leave.
He’s emotionally abusing your children.
You have a duty to protect them.
This is damaging them.
This is not ok.
This will not get better.
Get out.

My Dad was like this too and still is. I grew up petrified of his outbursts which were usually over next to nothing.

Our relationship is damaged permenantly. We get on, sometimes. That's the best it can ever be.

It is impossible for a child to develop a decent relationship with a parent they are terrified of. By staying, you are enabling this damage to your children. Someone upthread said 'he's fucking your children up'.

He is, and once it reaches a certain point the damage is irreparable. It cannot be unfucked. You pandering to it will also teach both your children (perhaps especially the older girl, perhaps not) that we pander to men (or just people who throw their weight around) and tail our behaviour to keep them happy. This is NOT okay.

Avocado

Did he ever give you any indication during the dating phase and/or prior to you marrying him that he has an ongoing problem with noise sensitivity?. Or did this from him occur after his children were born?

Regardless of why he is doing this he is an adult. His issues do not trump the needs of his children here who are seeing all this within their own household. This can and will scar them emotionally.

Make sure he moves out of the house, as well as seeking treatment.

Lots of parents find managing children's behaviour very difficult. I am not in any way excusing his behaviour, and he needs to change his approach ASAP! Parenting is a skill, some people are better than others. Before you do anything drastic I would contact your local children's centre to ask about parenting courses and it sounds like your DH could do with some therapeutic support around his depression and anger issues.

Cross posted Avocado, I don't want to hurt you. But you must protect your children and it's scary when your eyes are being opened

*It's child abuse, and it's going to scar your kids a lot. My Dad was never violent towards us or my mum but if we got on his nerves he would punch things or shout or bang things.

As a result I get absolutely terrified when people shout and have panic attacks if I'm ever arguing badly with someone.*

I could almost have written this. In my case, it's diy that is terrifying as dad used to shout, swear and smash things. I find myself apologising and weeping if any tiny thing goes wrong now when diy-ing. And I also hate shouting.

This isn’t just some wayward parenting - this is abuse! For the love of god! These poor kids are already totally fucked up by the things they have seen!
This woman needs to get a grip, get her kids and get out.

Oh goodness op you need him out of the house while he seeks help, if indeed it is an issue that can be helped.

I am shocked at some people on this thread excusing this behaviour and trying to find solutions for him. Let him do that if he wants to, in the meantime the dc are not safe to be around such a violent individual. The op is not safe. All of this talk about his hearing and sensitivity is nonsense. One or two posters even appear to have diagnosed him.
In the absence of evidence to the contrary, going solely on what the op has written, the diagnosis of abusive angry dangerous man seems to be the only one that holds water.

Sorry meant to say earlier I realise your DH isn't hitting the children

Your children are your priority. Get them away from this abusive man right now. Plain and simple - it's your responsibility. If you don't you are wilfully subjecting them to abuse. Only a matter of time before it's one of the children that he smashes.

Nope, her priority is to get those children out of that situation, never mind therapy. That can come later. There's no other answer here - children:out.

You need to get away from this chap, he sounds mentally ill.

You need to get out of this abusive relationship now, today. Your children, especially the eldest one, are already being damaged. Do not subject them to their father's outrageous, vile and totally unacceptable behaviour a minute longer.

Your husband needs help to manage his anger issues/depression/whatever it is that makes him behave so appallingly and he should not return to the family home until he has done so, and he is safe to be around his own children.

I think you need to get help for your poor little DD too. The fact that she remembers and talks about something that happened last year when she is still so young, is deeply worrying.

Oh holy fuck

He needs to get out NOW. Never mind about him getting help, he can think about that later. The priority is that he leaves the family home and he stays the fuck away from your dc until he has learned to control himself.

It's scary that anyone can make excuses for a grown man behaving like this and suggest op somehow focus on him. He is an abuser and he needs to leave.

Also, being depressed DOES NOT give you a free reign to be a cunt. I say that as someone with chronic depression