Husband gets violent when our children scream or cry

[Avocado10]

We have 2 children, DS is 18mths and DD is 6.5. Both have lovely sunny natures and would not be considered difficult children. I was always more in favour of having children (particularly the 2nd) than him but he is a great dad and does wonderful stuff with both of them that I would never think of. He has always struggled when they cry or particularly scream, it gets into his head, hurts his ears he says (he wears earplugs when putting DS to bed if he cries). He is also prone to depression now and then -on the one full day (ever) I left him minding both of them in March (Easter) while I was at work he was on the Samaritians website that evening and retreated into himself. Over the past few months there have been times when one or both DC is being difficult/crying/screaming and he has lost his rag. Not directly at them or me, but with anger directed at objects. Last year when he had both of them for a few hours one morning they both did something to annoy him and he smashed a fruit bowl and some mugs onto the floor - my daughter still talks about this. At Easter this year when he had that bad patch he nearly put his fist through a wall and nearly broke the kitchen door he slammed it so hard so many times whenever they made too much noise. Yesterday morning he was doing the nursery and school run (I rarely ask him to do both but I had a deadline in work) and my son apparently screamed for half an hour after I left for work, DD then yelled at him when he picked her up from school later on (she was exhausted after her school trip) and that evening DS screamed at DD when she took at toy off him in the garden - at which point DH took a shovel and bashed it against a wall very hard a number of times, partly smashing the chalkboard on it. He then stormed off without a word. DS and DD stood in the garden watching, DD gave DS a hug while DS just stood watching and then put his finger to his lips in a sssh motion. Obviously that was a bad day but it scared them. His anger is never directed at us, just at objects. He is not one for talking about it afterwards, besides, I don't know what to say as I feel it is my fault for putting us in this situation, he could happily have not had children. Is this reasonable behaviour? Do I just weather the storm and hope it will pass when they are a little older (he was not like this before we had kids)? Does he need help? He is scaring DD and I am worried what kind of impression it gives to both of them if they remember this when they are older.

Why are you leaving the kids with him, from the behaviour you describe he is not safe to have them...children cry, scream, giggle, and make noise, that's just how kids are...if every time they make a noise he smashes up things then that will have a long lasting emotional an mental effect on them, they will grow up eventually hating him and blaming you for staying with him and letting their childhood be ruined by this behaviour...

It's not normal, make him see a dr, and put your kids first and don't leave them in his care, it sounds like he can't control himself once he flips (if he could he wouldn't be smashing stuff)

He is punishing you for leaving you with his children. It's that simple. If he manages to avoid physically attacking things at works when people annoy him he can avoid this. He rarely has them for a full day so why is his fuse so short? To punish you. To teach you not to leave him with them. So don't. Either than means you stay with him and play defense or you leave him. but this isn't fair on your kids.

You are describing my Dad. Unfortunately this behaviour runs in families if it's not dealt with - children who experience this behaviour, may then react in similar ways with their own children if they do not get help / therapy.

I know this because I have had to have therapy myself to deal with the affects of it. When my children are noisy, it causes me feelings of intense stress inside - a feeling like I can not cope. These are called EMOTIONAL FLASHBACKS - LOOK INTO IT ON YOUTUBE.

It's when a situation reminds you of intense emotions you experienced in your past (usually childhood trauma) and you get consumed by a wave of emotion (anger, suffocation, fear, etc) and you need to stop the source immediately. Your DH is dealing with his emotional flashbacks by lashing out.

My children acting out brings back emotions from when I was severely punished when being loud / not behaving how my father wanted me to. And because my home life, when chaotic, was not a safe environment. My father would have had a trauma in his childhood too. Your DH will have had trauma in his life. You say he won't talk about his behaviour, so he is IN DENIAL, or frightened to face his past and own issues.

He needs to acknowledge it and deal with it - seek help. You may need to give his a serious ultimatum - which you will need to carry out if nothing changes. You need to tell your children that that behaviour is wrong - they need to know.

@Avocado10 - does your dh know how unacceptable and damaging his behaviour is? Is he sorry? Does he ever make any effort to control his behaviour?

If he knows how far in the wrong he is, how much damage he is doing, and tries to control his behaviour, I would give him one last chance - he must get his hearing assessed, and look into the possibility that he has hyperacusis, and he must seek the treatment and help he needs to enable him to deal with sharp noises without becoming violent around the children. But in the meantime he should not be left to care for the children on his own.

If he can’t see how wrong his behaviour is, or if he won’t make the effort to control his behaviour, then I would say he has exhausted all his chances, and should not be in their lives until,he can see how much damage he is doing, and is willing to address his behaviour.

You need to get him away from those poor kids and he needs help.
What if the spade had broken and hit one of the kids? What if next time there's isn't inanimate object to hand and he hurts the kids directly? And that's without the huge emotional and mental damage he has already caused.

If he loves you, he will engage with getting help. Then you can work on your future.

But on of us would have bags packed tonight.

If he is as truly lovely as you say he is then he will readily agree to seeking help.

Oh ad at 6.5 your DD will most definitely be remembering all this.

Avocado

Re your comment:-

"I am realising I am not seeing the situation for what it is as apart from these outbursts he is very lovely person who I love very much, but I guess love is often a blindfold when it comes to violent/abusive relationships. I actually feel relieved by your replies, that it is not my fault and I see a number of things need to happen quickly, I need to keep my children safe (getting some distance between him and then), I need to talk to him about it and he needs to get help in the hope we can go back to being a happy family some day and I can get my husband back".

Glad you came back and posted.

What if he refuses to get help and or just as likely does not stick with it?. Where will you be in the meantime, you both cannot be together currently.

Abusive people can be lovely sometimes but the nice/nasty cycle associated with them is a continuous one. I fear that talking to him when he is calm will really elicit no good result and will ultimately be a waste of time on your part. Also you can only help you ultaimtely, asking him to change his behaviours is an exercise in futility.

Who is more important to you ultimately he or your kids?. Sorry to be so direct but you really do need to be seen here to be actively protecting your kids from seeing such behaviours from their dad.
You have to be seen to be putting them and not him first.

The man who you thought he was no longer exists even if he ever did. That person has gone, this is who he really is. It is not your fault he is like this, you did not make him that way. What if anything do you know about his own childhood and family background, that often gives clues.

He also sounds quite manipulative OP. Why is the whole "I didn't really want to have children", line even a thing in your lives anymore. Adults who have kids and then go on about how they did not really want them, are behaving like spoilt, irresponsible children. He's an adult and needs to take responsibility for his choices and the life he leads.

The fact that he struggles with depression shows that there are some unresolved issues and (as I've mentioned above) it's time to get help, because they are damaging other people - your children.

Putting headphones on someone is not teaching them to manage their own behaviours around noise

Putting my ear defenders on is one of the 'manage my behaviour' strategies I was taught early on, the fastest way to stop me reacting with aggression as a child was to stop the pain by blocking out the noise. I can endure the pain a bit longer now, but I still block the source as my first line of action.

I am very sensitive to noise and have MH issues (inc depression) but I would never act the way your husband has.
He needs to move out and get help for his anger/ problems.
Keeping all of you under the same roof is damaging to your children.

Your poor children. He needs to get help and move out until it's sorted. Do you realise the risk you are taking if you don't step up now to protect your children from this? Not just the obvious risk of harm, but if your daughter mentions this abuse (yes, that is what it is), for example at school.

@MeMyShelfandIkea not only that but DS will have unconscious memories. They are both experiencing trauma. He is not safe to be left with children.

Yes I agree Yorkie, I hope OP doesn't continue minimising his behaviour. It's what my mother did with my dad and I can't forgive her for not protecting me.

You are all so right, my children are being scarred by this, particularly the 6.5yr old. I cannot bury my head in the sand and hoping this will go away. I will make sure he is not alone with them until I know he has had help and has been helped - where does he get help? GP? Anywhere else?

Your OP is horrifying. He is terrifying. I hope you can get some help and support in real life to get all of you away from him. I am frightened for you and your poor dc.

He’d be best being assessed for SPD so go first. He also needs to see a psychiatrist and get help too.

So GP, not go.

Imagine if you r2plaved dh with teacher and home with school...you would it accept a teacher to behave this way in front of.children.

So.dont accept it In your home.

Go.tell.gp exactly what is going on
Tell him to.leave until.he has strategies to deal.wirh life with kids

Avocado

You can only help your own self and children ultimately. He may not choose to see anyone about his behaviours. Also he does not talk about this afterwards in any event, what makes you think he would at all respond to any outside help?. Unless he decides for his own self that he has a problem there is no point in you potentially pursuing any outside help for him.

Your children being scarred by seeing all this from their dad trumps completely any needs your H has. He needs to be out of the familial home.

Check he doesnt have sensory processing disorder

Interesting how noise only bothers him when it's his children making it. His own temper, his own mouse smashing shit up must be considerable but he tolerates it amazingly, doesn't he?
You obviously don't understand it at all. I'm autistic and noise-sensitive. Other peoples' noise (particularly shrieking & crying because it's high-pitched) drives me mad, but I can make lots of noise myself because I'm in control of it. And if I'm really stressed out I will lash out & want to hit things. Yes he's scaring the kids and that needs to stop, but he's obviously got a problem that he can't solve on his own. If he's having to hold it in at work (to avoid losing his job) then it's going to be that much harder at home. He's not deliberately abusing his kids, he can't control it.
Why can't people try and understand sometimes? Is it really so difficult to try and see it from someone else's viewpoint occasionally & ask why instead of piling on to shout LTB.

He needs to get help for his stress immediately, the poor man is suffering from it acutely. In the mean time don’t lump the children on him until he has recovered.

Can only reiterate what everyone else has said. This is not normal and if this were my dh then I wouldn't trust him around our children at all. He is one step away from really hurting them. He needs help and your children need to be away from his violent outbursts. I'm not a dramatic person but I feel very frightened for your poor children.

You need to establish a paper trail to document all this with the relevant authorities.