Husband gets violent when our children scream or cry

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We have 2 children, DS is 18mths and DD is 6.5. Both have lovely sunny natures and would not be considered difficult children. I was always more in favour of having children (particularly the 2nd) than him but he is a great dad and does wonderful stuff with both of them that I would never think of. He has always struggled when they cry or particularly scream, it gets into his head, hurts his ears he says (he wears earplugs when putting DS to bed if he cries). He is also prone to depression now and then -on the one full day (ever) I left him minding both of them in March (Easter) while I was at work he was on the Samaritians website that evening and retreated into himself. Over the past few months there have been times when one or both DC is being difficult/crying/screaming and he has lost his rag. Not directly at them or me, but with anger directed at objects. Last year when he had both of them for a few hours one morning they both did something to annoy him and he smashed a fruit bowl and some mugs onto the floor - my daughter still talks about this. At Easter this year when he had that bad patch he nearly put his fist through a wall and nearly broke the kitchen door he slammed it so hard so many times whenever they made too much noise. Yesterday morning he was doing the nursery and school run (I rarely ask him to do both but I had a deadline in work) and my son apparently screamed for half an hour after I left for work, DD then yelled at him when he picked her up from school later on (she was exhausted after her school trip) and that evening DS screamed at DD when she took at toy off him in the garden - at which point DH took a shovel and bashed it against a wall very hard a number of times, partly smashing the chalkboard on it. He then stormed off without a word. DS and DD stood in the garden watching, DD gave DS a hug while DS just stood watching and then put his finger to his lips in a sssh motion. Obviously that was a bad day but it scared them. His anger is never directed at us, just at objects. He is not one for talking about it afterwards, besides, I don't know what to say as I feel it is my fault for putting us in this situation, he could happily have not had children. Is this reasonable behaviour? Do I just weather the storm and hope it will pass when they are a little older (he was not like this before we had kids)? Does he need help? He is scaring DD and I am worried what kind of impression it gives to both of them if they remember this when they are older.

Either his 'need' to smash/punch things is so overwhelming that you and your children aren't safe; or he can control what he's doing, and chooses to frighten you all anyway.

THIS.

It's not as random and uncontrolled as it looks. Does he smash things that mean a lot to him? I'd guess no.

If it really is a genuine anger management issue - which it doesn't sound like to me - he's still choosing to subject your children to that behaviour by not seeking help.

This is an abusive father and two children already showing signs of trauma. Please get them out of this situation.

This is sick. It is abuse. He is already having a negative impact on your children who are scared of their own father.

It sounds like hyperacusis to me - certain pitches or types of noise cause extreme pain.

Desensitisation therapy works for some people, not for everyone and certainly not for me (I've had access to every type of therapy available and nothing has helped).

I have to either:
Block the noise - plugs, ear defenders or both
Escape the noise - get out of the room
OR
I used to react to stop the noise...by any means possible.

Your DH needs his hearing assessing, he also needs to not be in sole charge of his dc until they get past the screaming phase/until he has learnt new strategies. Ear defenders with him all the time and train himself to put them on at the onset of pain (takes time and work to make it the default reaction, but eventually it becomes second nature).

Assuming that he has hyperacusis, he may well not be being willfully abusive...but he will be if he doesn't pursue diagnosis and learn to manage his life. I'm amazed it's reached 2 dc before needing to get help.

My dc learnt early on that shrieking/screaming/shouting got them no-where with me, I just put my ear defenders on until they stopped (I always checked for injury and I've administered a lot of first aid without being able to hear.)

I too would report your dh if I saw him. And probably try and discreetly follow to reassure myself that such young children were safe. I think I would see it in my head and worry about them for a long time. You cannot let your dh behave like this in front of them, and your dc are more important than your marriage.

Who gives a flying fuck if its his hearing??! Seriously? Are people actually defending him here?

It sounds to me as though your DH cannot stay regulated when his children are distressed.

When he becomes dysregulated, he sounds more able to get angry (and bash things) than sit in his distress (e.g. cry). That's too hard for him.

He is not able to think things through, seek help nor speak about all this when he is this dysregulated that he is hitting out at things.

When calm, is he able to speak about how hard he is finding things?

Is he able to consider the impact of his bashing on his children?

Is he only able to put his own emotional needs first? If so, is he willing to seek support? There may be a reason why he cannot (seem to) tolerate distress in others/his children, and perhaps not tolerate his own panic when he sees their distress.

When people become very dysregulated (like you describe) they will often do whatever stops them feeling so bad. At these times he is unlikely to be able to think about others' feelings. This is why he may not be able to look after the children on his own, if he tends to get angry and act in frightening ways.

However, when he is calm, he might be able to recognise the impact of his behaviour. He may be willing to seek professional help.

This is likely to be a huge step for him. Many people find it hugely shameful to need help with these kinds of feelings/behaviour. So exploring this with him will need care so that he doesn't feel shamed. That tends to make more angry feelings and shut people down to different options.

Whatever you decide based on all of this, right now, he probably is not able to look after children on his own. With professional help this could change.

This must be really tough for you. I hope the conversation goes well.

Agree that noise sensitivity is a thing that more noise can help with but no I don’t believe that banging a spade on a wall is remotely anything to do with it - my DD2 uses headphones but labelling an abusive man with this when he is just behaving like a horrible person is not right. OP doesn’t mention he’s always been this way, that there is any suggestion he suffers from this condition whatsoever so I’m sorry but I don’t think it will help to suggest to OP that her DH plays himself some nice music on headphones. He sounds dangerous

He has no place in a family home.

FFS, leave NOW. You need to protect your children and by staying you aren’t doing that.

It doesn't matter what's wrong with him: he's an adult and it's up to him to sort his issues out.
If you need it, get support from WA/the police/Social services to get him out of the house as soon as possible. He doesn't get to see you or the DC until he's had treatment.
He's selfish and abusive and dangerous, so get rid.

How can he have a problem with noise if he creates more by his behaviour? That doesnt make sense. You need to protect your children OP. They are being exposed to something that has the potential to emotionally damage them for the rest of their lives.

@Findingmywayeveryday I agree that the behaviour is abusive - what I'm saying is that if he is hyperacusive the triggers can be managed. But I would strongly suggest he works all this out on his own, as far away from OP and her children as possible.

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Are you still reading the replies or have you been frightened off by the responses?. I hope it is not the latter but I fear it may be the case.

Domestic violence is also classed as breaking inanimate objects within the household. You and in turn your children are in a domestic violence situation, are all witness to your H's behaviours and are being traumatised by same. My guess is too that he shows no indications of this side of him to those in the outside world.

Even if there is an actual problem with his hearing or his sensitivity, he can choose to go away and distance himself from the noise.

He doesn't. He chooses to terrify his small children.

He needs to get serious help NOW. And meanwhile, keep him away from your children, OP.

A useful test is to see if he reacts like this to other people’s kids crying. I bet he doesn’t. This means he CAN control it but he won’t.

True stress reactions are debilitating. Your DP is just an abusive prick.

He is not a good father if he behaves like this. Good fathers are not only good when things are going their way and easy they also manage their behaviour at difficult times.

Whether its a hearing issue, a mental health issue or simply a bit-of-a-shit issue it needs dealing with because it absolutely will affect your children and he is not currently a good father.

What does he say when you suggest the GP for a possible hearing sensitivity? Or when you talk about his behaviour? Do you feel able to do either of these?

The damage is currently being done, your children will be terrified of him. Is this what you want for them?

I suspect he doesn't behave like this in front of friends, or workmates, or other family members, or if he's in a cafe and a child starts making a noise.

I put ear defenders on and/or leave - whichever is appropriate. The difference is that I've been diagnosed for over 30 years and had lots of input to train my reactions from offensive to defensive - that training was hard work and pure torture at times.

Who gives a flying fuck if its his hearing??! Seriously? Are people actually defending him here?

I'm defending him up to a point, I live with hyperacusis and I know how horrific it can be. He'll lose any scrap of defence if he refuses to get help once that nature of his behaviour is made clear to him, because that's the point where he's choosing to behave inappropriately and not help himself.

He needs help. Either GP or some sort of counselling. You can't allow this to go on. The DC's must be terrified!

Re this issue of him seeking help.

Such men do not readily if ever seek help but choose to blame others and refuse to take any responsibility for their actions. The OP can only ultimately help her own self and her children by removing him from the family home. They all need to stay away from him because he is very bad for their own mental wellbeing.

I am also wondering on a wider level what OP herself learnt about relationships when growing up.

Oh Op this is one of the saddest post I have ever read :( your poor children, they dont deserve this OP, they didnt ask to be born into this.
i get your OH is probably struggling and needs help but this is totally unacceptable, you need to put your little ones first and leave/end it for them.
I kind of hope this post is made up.

It’s ok I think we do say the same thing - having a child with sensitive hearing I know there is a level of frustration, she struggles with auditory processing and I think it’s veey overwhelming, she can become rude and abrupt and try to leave/Make the noise stop but when an adult Male is behaving like this, it’s dangerous, scary and abusive. It’s so damaging. Putting headphones on someone is not teaching them to manage their own behaviours around noise and frankly it sounds like it’s getting worse not better and you cannot allow him to continue. No adult likes it when children cry it’s not a nice noise and it’s frustrating, you take steps to control yourself and regulate your own feelings about it, to the point where you probably do become more desensitised to it over time - like OP probably is. Leaving him alone with DC once or twice - ever and the children learning not to cry around DH, and DH choosing to react in this terrible way suggests the only desensitising he’s going to do is what he expects of everyone else - not even of himself... so everyone else must suffer because he is suffering. THAT is the trait that’s the crux of this issue. He is punishing your DC

So, he's really sensitive to noise - but he responds to noise BY MAKING LOTS MORE NOISE? Banging shovels, smashing things? No way. He's using that as an excuse.

He sounds like an abusive creep and a shit husband. He is damaging your children every day they have to live with him.

on the one full day (ever) I left him minding both of them in March (Easter) while I was at work he was on the Samaritians website that evening and retreated into himself

Well, that'a guaranteed way to make sure you stay at home in fuure, where you belong, looking after the kids and not leavimg them to him!

You have to talk to him. His behavious is competely unacceptable, and from what you've written here he's pretending he has a MH issue to excuse himself.

I'd tell him to leave until he has got help for his anger issues. I wouldn't let him lok after the dc alone.

Dear Everyone,
Thank you all so much for your replies. I am overwhelmed by the amount of replies in such a short time (I am at work, hence my delay in getting back to you all) - this is the first post I have started on Mumsnet. I will admit I am also overwhelmed, surprised and slightly scared by your replies. I am realising I am not seeing the situation for what it is as apart from these outbursts he is very lovely person who I love very much, but I guess love is often a blindfold when it comes to violent/abusive relationships. I actually feel relieved by your replies, that it is not my fault and I see a number of things need to happen quickly, I need to keep my children safe (getting some distance between him and then), I need to talk to him about it and he needs to get help in the hope we can go back to being a happy family some day and I can get my husband back. Thank you all again so much, I cannot believe the support - regardless of your advice, you taking the time to post on here for me is so appreciated.

i find the noise and screaming of children incredibly difficult and i have lost my temper at times when theyre all being shitty. Its hard, especially if youve got sensory issues around noise that you werent aware of before having children. If my anxiety is particularly bad I cant handle normal household noises and I snap at people. I had to go back on anxiety meds because it helped me handle stuff like this.
He needs a way of dealing with it. Does he understand that its damaging? If he understands that children DO make noise and do whinge and cry about things, and that he needs to keep his cool and work on his reactions, thats one thing, but if he blames the children, and takes no blame, i think its a different story and thats abusive.