Should he tell her?

[bobsleighmagic]

DH and I have a mutual friend we have know for a long time. I'll call him Bob. We see him and his wife/family quite a bit. Last night Bob met DH for a drink and told him he's having an affair with someone at work. It's been going on for well over a year. She's not married and us younger. Bob and his wife struggled to conceive and went through quite a bit of IVF before their second was born (who is now 5 months) and he says the stress of this is what drove him to start seeing this other woman. As far as I know, Bob has no plans to end it with the OW or to tell his wife because he doesn't want to loose his kids, apparently.
DH is absolutely livid. They had a huge row and DH has told Bob he has until Sunday to tell his wife, or he will do it. He means it. Is this the right thing to do? On one hand I don't think it's any of our business but on the other hand I think I'd want to know if it was me in her position, but it's not about me is it?
I've tried to calm DH down so we can gather our thoughts a bit but he's determined to deliver his ultimatum. Anyone been in this position? What did you do?

That’s a tough one isn’t it? I think I would want to know. However, you risk losing them as friends if Bob can convince her that it’s not true.

How well do you know bob’s wife?

Your DH is brave and moral. Good on him I say. He sounds like a sensible man with integrity.
I'd definetly want to know if I was the wife.

Many will say it's not his business...in which case Bob should have kept it to himself.

Good on your husband!

Ooft, tricky. I’d be furious with Bob too, but I wouldn’t want to be the messenger.
I’d probably take the cowards way, and cut Bob out. I wouldn’t want to feel responsible for breaking up a family - even though it was Bob who did that

Does Bob know your DH well enough to know how he would be likely to react, was he trying to cause this situation to bring it into the open? Regardless, it isn't up to him to demand that your DH keep secrets, you're DH has the right to behave however he sees fit. DH sees it as a betrayal of this man's family and it makes him raging mad; that's because he's a decent man. Support him and let him do whatever he feels is right.

And yes, your husband sounds like a good man.

(*your not you're, damn auto-incorrect)

Whatever your DH does, your loyalty is to him. I suppose it doesn’t matter what I would do about Bob - I’d support DH in his decision, whatever that was.

Its possible as the messenger your husband might get shot however if I were that wife I'd want to know. Besides the fact that cheating and lying is a horrible betrayal, the fact that he's having sex with another woman and then presumably having sex with his wife while she thinks he's not having sex with anyone else is really unfair and health wise could put her at risk, what an arsehole

Bob should have kept quiet.
Tell her she has a right to know.

Is your husband some kind of vigilante superhero who goes round exposing cheating spouses?

If a friend of mine confided that she'd been having an affair, I'd voice my displeasure but I wouldn't dream of issuing such an ultimatum.

If I was your dh, I would be furious too.

Not only is Bob screwing over his wife (who is your and your dh friend), he has made your dh complicit in screwing his wife over.

Bob has left your dh with a choice. Either tell the wife or be part of the deception.

I've had a similar situation. Married couple who I've known for ages get back together after he had an affair. She took him back after he supposedly finished it and cut ties with the OW. I then saw the husband and the OW out together one evening, all over each other and clearly behaving in a way that suggests that the affair is not over. He hadn't seen me initially so I made a point of going over and letting him know that I had seen him. I told him that he needed to be honest with his wife or I would tell her. I gave it a couple of days and then called her - of course he hadn't said anything to her. She was devastated that he was up to his old tricks but grateful that I had been honest with her.

If it were me I would want to know, and I couldn't have kept a secret like that from my friend - that would make me complicit in his deceit.

Bob is a very silly, selfish man. Cheating on his poor wife and putting your DP in that position. He opened his gob and can’t fault your DP for having the morals he is lacking.

And what bollocks to blame the IVF for him starting an affair! Pretty sure his wife wasn’t have the time of her life at that point, or since.

Good on your DH. We need more people like him in the world. Go your DH. Bloody brilliant bloke you’ve got there. He’s been shagging for a year!! That poor woman. Let alone the morality of it all, everytime he puts it in OW and then puts it in your poor friend he’s risking her life. A friend of mine only found out her DH was shagging OW when his bits started turning nasty colours and he could no longer deny it. Disgusting and rude and immoral. The OW could have god knows what. I am fully with your DH here and shame on you if you aren’t OP.

I would be very proud if I were you. He is not prepared to be complicit or deceive, and he has immediately told you. Good man.

Yes he should definitely tell her. Maybe there will be a 'shoot the messenger' situation but as it's Bob who's his exfriend it's not like he's got much to lose if the wife gets upset with him. She deserves to know.

Good for DH, but this may be unfortunate in the sense that it gives the wayward H a chance to cover his tracks put his excuses/reasons/justifications/minimisations all in first, and paint your DH as the bad guy. Expect ructions either way.

Your dh is right. Bob told him so he put him in this position of having to lie for him.

Good on your husband, he's a decent guy with morals. Please don't talk him into letting Bob continue to cheat on his wife.

If a friend of mine confided that she'd been having an affair, I'd voice my displeasure but I wouldn't dream of issuing such an ultimatum

Yeah cos fuck the partner who is being screwed over emotionally, is at risk of any number of Sti's and is being a made a fool of. What matters if you can keep a secret

Good on your dh. How dare bob try to make him complicit in hiding his affair from his wife!!

Another fan of your DH here. Poor woman. Bob is a complete dick.

Your husband should mind his own business.