Should he tell her?

[bobsleighmagic]

DH and I have a mutual friend we have know for a long time. I'll call him Bob. We see him and his wife/family quite a bit. Last night Bob met DH for a drink and told him he's having an affair with someone at work. It's been going on for well over a year. She's not married and us younger. Bob and his wife struggled to conceive and went through quite a bit of IVF before their second was born (who is now 5 months) and he says the stress of this is what drove him to start seeing this other woman. As far as I know, Bob has no plans to end it with the OW or to tell his wife because he doesn't want to loose his kids, apparently.
DH is absolutely livid. They had a huge row and DH has told Bob he has until Sunday to tell his wife, or he will do it. He means it. Is this the right thing to do? On one hand I don't think it's any of our business but on the other hand I think I'd want to know if it was me in her position, but it's not about me is it?
I've tried to calm DH down so we can gather our thoughts a bit but he's determined to deliver his ultimatum. Anyone been in this position? What did you do?

Bob has really shown his true colours hasn’t he?

Not pleasant but yes, he should tell her. Your poor DH. He's obviously a diamond though. Unlike Bob.

I think that the issuing of ultimatums is all a bit self-righteous tbh.

It’s one thing to actually tell the wife, end the friendship etc, But issuing an ultimatum to bob? Really? Did he really think that Bob was going to confess to his wife after almost a year just because he was issued with an ultimatum to do so?

The friendship is over now regardless, so your dh just needs to decide whether he tells the wife or not, none of this giving bob Until Sunday to do so and actually thinking that Bob should be swayed by his threats.

But personally I would just stay out of it at this stage now.

At least he is giving Bob the chance to come clean himself- i think that is fair.

I think your husband is amazing for wanting to tell the truth. There is NO excuse for cheating and the excuse given by bob is absolutely shocking, essentially blaming his wife/pregnancy/ivf.

I think your husband should stay out of it. Both you and your husband are calling Bob for something that has nothing to do with either of you and yet your husband is blackmailing Bob. It's not your husbands right to issue ultimatums. He's not Bob's keeper or boss and Bob is not his child. Who's to say, that when the wife finds out, that they won't stay together? You're assuming once the affair is out in the open, Bob's family unit will be disbanded and you're quite happy for this to happen. Your husband sounds intent on being the messenger of doom. Personally, I wouldn't thank you for dropping a bombshell like that on me.

I think your DH should tell her. Bob shouldn't have told him if he wanted to keep the secret. Good on your DH for being brave enough to do the right thing.

I would be so glad to have a friend like you and your husband. You're doing the right thing, 100%. I just hope Bob has the decency and guts to own up to it first.

I think tha danger in these self/righteous acts is that you have no idea what the other spouse knows/feels/want to know.

She may well suspect it she is turning a blind eye. It may hw her choice she is OK to live privately with. But when exposed in this dramatic manner - she won’t be able to any longer and her world would have to fall apart.

Even if her H manages to convince her that YOUR H somehow had it out for him and wants to break them apart. He can, for a eg twist the story and say that your H is having an affair, and he threatened to tell, and this is a baseless revenge....

But - regardless of that. I think people shouldn’t play hogs and use their personal measuring sticks for others.
If you were a good friend with her - you could figure out if she in fact in the ‘I want to know’ camp.
Many, many women aren’t in that camp, and your H doesn’t have a right to force it on them.

So - think about the world where people aren’t all the same as you.

Oops - lots of typos.

Main point I was trying to make is that playing Gods can be dangerous and backfire.

I only wish someone had let me know about what my she was up to, I really do. If at any point from now I find out that any of our friends new and kept it from me then I would certainly never trust them again and most probably choose to distance myself from now.

Sorry - what my do was up to.

Grrrr bloody autocorrect- dh

Personally, I wouldn't thank you for dropping a bombshell like that on me.

You like living in ignorant bliss. Very cowardly way to live IMO.

A sign of weakness and burying your head in the sand.

The minute Bob opened his mouth...He made it your DHs business ...time for Bob to grow a pair and not be so gutless.

You have a good man there.

Knowledge is power. If the wife knows and wants to stay with Bob ...so be it...but you cannot assume she knows ...when Bob is clearly bricking it, indicating she doesn't know.

Some women prefer to ignore even with irrefutable evidence.

Ah I really wouldn't get involved in this! I think it's a bad idea to tell her or get involved. She might not thank you, she's got a small baby. She might not be able to realistically just leave him after just having the costs of ivf and a baby. It's easy to say leave the bastard but in real life it's really really not that easy!

Perhaps for now you need to tell the wife that Bob and DH have had a big falling out and she needs to ask Bob about it...

Also, as many PP's have pointed out, Bob shouldn't have told your husband his 'secret'. This I agree with. Your husband has no morals as he has confided Bob's secret to you. Now he wants to confide Bob's secret to Bob's wife. How many others has your husband confided Bob's secret to? It's not brave nor decent nor moral to use the information given in confidence, to blackmail someone, issue a threat and then proceed to act on said threat. Does your husband want a front row seat to watch the fallout or is he going to just simply walk away and declare, 'I've done my bit' and expect a pat on the back?

Really? And how is he going to check all this then? Call Bob up on Sunday and ask whether he has done as he was told? And if Bob says yes the DH is presumably going to then confirm with the wife that Bob has done as he was told?

I have every respect/sympathy for anyone who ends a friendship or tells the other party they’re not going to keep their secret, although I do think that marriages are not black and white and that the messenger usually gets shot. But using something like this to hold over someone and put them in control is IMO pretty shitty behaviour as well IMO.

If he’s going to tell the wife then he should tell the wife and that should be the end of it.

If Bob didn't want his wife to find out he shouldn't have got your DH involved by telling him.

What did Bob expect? A pat on the back for cheating on his wife when she is at home with a small baby? Bob has no one to blame but himself.

@SandyY2K. Living in ignorant bliss? Weakness? LMAO. If my husband WAS having an affair, I wouldn't want someone my husband associates with, rocking up to my house to deliver that info. Obviously OP's husband is not a close friend, as the affair has been going on a year and knew he nothing.

I don’t see why the fact that the op’s husband didn’t know about a year long affair means he isn’t a close friend of Bob’s. People who have affairs hide it from their partners who live with them, have families with them, share a whole life- I mean that is pretty close right? It would be just as easy to hide it from a close friend.

NobodysChild

I don’t see why the fact that the op’s husband didn’t know about a year long affair means he isn’t a close friend of Bob’s
Exactly.

It's just trying to deflect from the issue.

It really doesn't matter who tells you about an affair ...surely the important thing is knowing the truth.

Obviously hearing from the OW would be tough...but it's better than your H continuing to cheat on you.

This burying your head is just nonsensical. It's gutless IMO.

I wouldn’t get involved at all unless the wife was the closer friend. There’s obviously something not quite right with the relationship. I doubt she’d thank your DH anyway if she has a small baby. Nobody knows what really goes on in other people’s relationships.

Perhaps for now you need to tell the wife that Bob and DH have had a big falling out and she needs to ask Bob about it...

Allowing Bob to keep on lying. Many relationships are damaged when the betrayed spouse finds out friebds knew about the affair.

They feel doubly betrayed and say everyone knew, while they looked like a fool.