Should he tell her?

[bobsleighmagic]

DH and I have a mutual friend we have know for a long time. I'll call him Bob. We see him and his wife/family quite a bit. Last night Bob met DH for a drink and told him he's having an affair with someone at work. It's been going on for well over a year. She's not married and us younger. Bob and his wife struggled to conceive and went through quite a bit of IVF before their second was born (who is now 5 months) and he says the stress of this is what drove him to start seeing this other woman. As far as I know, Bob has no plans to end it with the OW or to tell his wife because he doesn't want to loose his kids, apparently.
DH is absolutely livid. They had a huge row and DH has told Bob he has until Sunday to tell his wife, or he will do it. He means it. Is this the right thing to do? On one hand I don't think it's any of our business but on the other hand I think I'd want to know if it was me in her position, but it's not about me is it?
I've tried to calm DH down so we can gather our thoughts a bit but he's determined to deliver his ultimatum. Anyone been in this position? What did you do?

If a friend of mine confided that she'd been having an affair, I'd voice my displeasure but I wouldn't dream of issuing such an ultimatum

I never understand this loyalty to friends who are being so incredibly disloyal to the person they are supposed to be closest to in the world. If they can do that to their partner, they probably wouldn't think twice about screwing you over PP!

OP, your DH us doing the right thing. Bob sounds like a right idiot. His wife deserves to know.

Reclining It is the husband's business. Bob made it his business when he told him.

If he falls out with your dh is it any great loss??
His dw needs to be where his loyalties are.
Sure as hell her dh has none for her.

Reclinging, why?

He knows because Bob told him. And not because was contrite but because he wanted to share his achievment.
If Bob gets OW pregnant, if Bob catches an STI, would you also think the wife has right to know? Perhaps it's her fault, or the OW's?? Poor old Bob, lets keep his dirty secrets whilst he screws over the woman he pretends to adore.

I haven't been in this situation. If I was ever in your position I would back my dh 100%. Your dh is understandably upset. His friend has put him in an awkward position. And now your husband has just discovered his friend isn't the person he thought he was before. I'd let him know that I'm proud of him for wanting to do the right thing and for giving the friend a chance to do the right thing first. Your husband sounds like a good man and a good friend too. As for minding our own business. That's a hard one. Sometimes it is better to not interfere in other people's relationships but this is different. 'Bob' has made your husband complicit in a lie if your husband chooses not to say anything. Passing on information then respecting their privacy on how they choose to deal with it would fulfill the minding your own business part of it.

Problem might be that she stays with her dh and then quite frankly they are out of your lives forever. If he can handle that then that’s ok. But as long as he is aware.
I think when people start telling others, they actually want it to get out. And if he knew what type of man your dh is that’s terribly unfair of him

I guess Bob expected a "good on ya mate" male admiration for bagging himself an OW. This friendship would be over regardless as you either need to lie to his wife or carry through the ultimatum. At least the latter gives the wife the knowledge to choose what she does with that information.

Go DH! ⭐️

Bob made it your husbands business so now it’s up to your husband what he does with it.

Your husband sounds like a good egg. Bob does not. In your dh's shoes I would feel angry at what he was doing and angry at being forced into being complicit in it.
My first instinct is leave well alone as the wife may not want to know, has been through a lot etc. But rationally and logically, she really does need to know. Aside from anything else it just furthers the humiliation that others knew and you did not. So Bob's really shot himself in the nasty cheating foot by bragging to your H.
It's an unpalatable situation and I doubt your friendships can ever recover from it but I think he's done the right thing.

I don't think I necessarily believe his excuse 5 months plus 9/10 months of pregnancy. So this affair started in the early days of his wife's much wanted pregnancy. He is using the stress of getting pregnant as an excuse. I don't know how your husband will go about delivering that news to a no doubt exhausted emotional mom but he is doing the right thing. She might not believe him though, but I would imagine she will start piecing together the dots but be prepared for losing the friendship.

Your dh is planning on doing the right thing, it says so much about him as a person. His morals are high and he values trust and fidelity.
Bob is obviously a man of low moral standards who is not trustworthy but clearly expects people to be loyal to him despite this.
Bob’s wife deserves to know what her husband is, then she can decide for herself if she wants to be with him or not.
I am sorry you and your do have been put in this unenviable position. Bob chose to put you in this position, he does not deserve any loyalty from you, your do and especially his wife.

Your dh, not your do.

Bob sounds like he lacks personal courage or sufficient responsibility to have the conversation that triggers the end of his marriage.

As other suggest, is it possible Bob is setting up your DH to be the indirect messenger to report his infidelity so Bob's wife has to initiate any separation?

Thanks everyone for your replies. Things have moved along a bit since this morning. Bob has been phoning/messaging DH all morning and when he didn't reply, he pitched up in the foyer of his office building at lunchtime demanding DH come down and speak to him! How fucking dare he?
DH told him to piss off or he'd get security to throw him out.

Messages started off all matey but then became quite threatening, accusing DH of wanting to split Bob and his wife up. DH hadn't replied yet, as far as I know. So now there is evidence. Well, sort of.
To further complicate things, Bob's wife wants us to go out for dinner on sat night 🙈. Oh Fuck.
I think we have to tell her. I don't care if I never see that low life cheating dick ever again, but Bob's wife is potentially going to be left with a 5 month old baby to look after and a 6 year old to comfort when his daddy pisses off with someone else, and I do care about them.

Not sure if she will believe DH or not. She knows him well enough (I think) to know he wouldn't lie. I will support DH 100%. I think we have to accept our friendship with them is over whatever. If we don't tell her, neither of us would be able to look her in the eye, plus DH wouldn't be able to play happy families now he knows. If we do, she/they might not want to see us again. Either way the friendship is totally fucked. Bob has well and truly screwed us all over.

Sorry, didn't mean to make that sound like it was all about me/us. The loss of our friendship with them is nothing compared to what his poor wife will loose. I'm sure our friendship will be the last thing on her mind.

Feel assure you are indeed a good friend to do this for her op.
Takes guts.

Thanks April, it doesn't feel like that. I'm bricking it tbh, and so is DH.

Bet you're not bricking it as much as Bob.

You are definitely doing the right thing by this woman. Ultimately once all the dust has settled from the fall out, she will be grateful she had you both on her side.

I'd want to know if it was me.

Well done to your husband.

Bob has put you in a terrible position. Frankly, telling his wife is now the only thing you can do, isn't it? Whether you want to or not.

And turning up at your DH's work like that? Man's lost the plot.

My dd got an anonymous note through her door, much worse than from a friend.

He is definitely panicking and feeling cornered. I wouldn't be surprised if he creates some desperate fabrication like you tried it on with him and are now trying to get revenge or something stupid.

There was no way you could have remained friends, surely. You'd surely not have been able to sit with them on a night out, like before? So nothing to gain by not telling her.. Bob has shown even more of his true colours with his rants. She's better off without him in the long run, even though it won't feel like it at first.

Good for your DH, this coward is clearly panicking with his back against the wall. Not a pleasant situation for you but take comfort in the fact you are doing the right thing!!

Is Bob or Bob's wife your husband's friend? Who did he know first? I'm afraid, generally, when it comes to friendship, my loyalty would be to the friend I'm closest to, not their husband/partner. So if Bob is a long-standing friend of your husband's, then I wouldn't say anything to the wife. If you're all (or if you were, at least) equally good friends, then I guess it's up to your husband to decide what to do, but I can't see anything good will come out of it. Few people are grateful to the messenger who tells them that their spouse is cheating. I'd keep out of it.