Should he tell her?

[bobsleighmagic]

DH and I have a mutual friend we have know for a long time. I'll call him Bob. We see him and his wife/family quite a bit. Last night Bob met DH for a drink and told him he's having an affair with someone at work. It's been going on for well over a year. She's not married and us younger. Bob and his wife struggled to conceive and went through quite a bit of IVF before their second was born (who is now 5 months) and he says the stress of this is what drove him to start seeing this other woman. As far as I know, Bob has no plans to end it with the OW or to tell his wife because he doesn't want to loose his kids, apparently.
DH is absolutely livid. They had a huge row and DH has told Bob he has until Sunday to tell his wife, or he will do it. He means it. Is this the right thing to do? On one hand I don't think it's any of our business but on the other hand I think I'd want to know if it was me in her position, but it's not about me is it?
I've tried to calm DH down so we can gather our thoughts a bit but he's determined to deliver his ultimatum. Anyone been in this position? What did you do?

OW's husband told me. Thank god he did, I'd thought I was going mad. I didn't need any evidence, as soon as he told me everything fell into place.

I'll always feel grateful to him for telling me. I knew the truth and could decide what I wanted to do about it. I'd had months and months of being Gas-lighted and lied to until I doubted my own perceptions.

However the few people who had known all along but kept quiet, I've no time for them at all. They weren't my friends after all.

OP's DH, was told by Bob, at a bar, that he, Bob, was having an affair with someone at work. OP's husband could have stopped him right there and declared he didn't wish to know any more details. At some point, the emerging details of the affair have been discussed. So this now makes OP's DH judge, jury and executioner? Is this right @somuchunanswered?

Nope, it makes Bob a damn fool for not respecting his wife and for boasting to a mutual friend about it.

@Newerversion I must have missed the bit where it went from told him, to boasting, unless you were there of course to witness the boasting, then I apologise.

@NobodysChild No, Bob is just witness to a confession. Seemingly one that showed little remorse or intention to end things. The wife can do the judging and whatever else when she is provided with the bare facts: that her husband has been betraying their family every day for over a year.

Many are arguing that the spouses have a right to know if their partners have cheated.
If we were aware that two married colleagues had a ONS on a business trip, how many of us would invoke this right to know and inform the husband and wife?

Bob has no right telling your DH about it. It's an imposition to tell someone a secret that places a burden on them. People who tell secrets like this fail to see what they're asking of the person they're confiding in. Unless your DH is a catholic priest or Bob's shrink.

Your DH didn't ask Bob to confide in him & therefore he should do with it as he wishes to be ok with his own conscience.

Bob is a dick.

It was totally unfair of Bob to tell your husband of the affair when you all socialise frequently together. He is making your husband complicit in deceiving his wife who is your friend too. I think your husband has done the right thing. If you suddenly break off the friendship without telling the wife why she will be hurt too. Most posters on here say they wish friends had told them or are grateful to friends who did tell them.

None of the "don't tell" people have answered the question - would you just continue to see them and lie blatantly to her face? Or would you avoid them suddenly and leave her baffled? What if she told you she suspected something - would you lie and act surprised or reveal you'd known for a while? Such a tangled web...

Difficult.

I'd be inclined to tell the wife, something like ' We adore you and the kids but Bob has done something that has destroyed your friendship, with him. That she should have a candid and frank conversation with him and that you will be there for her and the kids '

Reading between the lines, she'll get it.....

That's quite ambiguous serial. But a good call.
OP I you and DH can't be complicit. Otherwise you are condoning it.

Good on your DH. I was put in this position by a male colleague of mine. He had three little ds (youngest was 6 months old). He had been having an affair with a neighbour of mine. I gave him two weeks to tell his wife or told him I would tell her - not negotiable. He told her the same week - bloody idiot who wanted the best of both worlds.

Bob is a knob xxx

There are a lot of assumptions involved in suggesting that the wife won't want to know; if in doubt surely it's better to side with honesty. Telling her in person while letting her know that you both support her whatever she does with that information is the only way to be fair to her IMO. I have a small baby and I'd definitely want to know. The blow of it being a year rather than a one-off would be the hardest part because that's such a harshly deliberate betrayal; I don't know how she'll cope with that and that part of the message needs to be delivered very delicately.

NataliaOsipova I doubt that the Op and her dh are making assumptions at all. Firstly, they are friends and as families they get together regularly. Presumably they know her well enough to have some kind of idea of whether she would want to know. Giving her the facts of the affair as told by 'Bob' can be done without any assumptions made.

Bobs wife needs to know. Imagine if it came out in a years time and she knew you’d been aware. The pain that would cause.
It will hurt however she finds out, but to learn that it’s not just your husband you can’t trust would make it worse.
Don’t keep his secrets, you don’t need to have a guilty conscience-you have done nothing wrong

I’d tell her she will need some friends during this whole sorry mess , nothing worse than finding out and then knowing that other people knew and didn’t tell you , either way your friendship is ruined , allow the poor woman some dignity on exiting if she likes .

I can never understand a man who claims they have an affair because of stress in their marriage, surely all the lies and sneaking about that an affair would take would cause more stress! Utter cop out.
Let your DH tell the poor woman, what an arsehole her husband is.

OP - did he tell her?

I agree that Bob is probably hoping your DH tells his wife so that he doesn't have to.

What an absolute coward. Awful.

Bob's wife deserves to know the truth. If your DH hasn't told her yet, I suggest you do.

It's now Monday. Deadline has passed. Has DH made good on his ultimatum yet, or has Bob owned up?

@bobsleighmagic Are you coming back to update everyone?

Hello, apologies for the delayed update, RL has got in the way.
Yes, he told her, sort of. Bob didn't come home from work on Friday night, so by Saturday morning she was really worried about him and phoned DH. He went round to speak to her and she asked him if Bob was with someone else, so he told her what he knew.
She said she'd been suspicious for a while but had confronted him and he'd denied it. He'd been gaslighting her for months.

So there we are, the spineless lying shit did want someone else to do his dirty work for him after all. Just goes to show that even after 20 years, when you think you know someone, you never really do.

I hope she has a happy life now that she knows what her h is like

God what a shitweasel. Your poor friend (though she's clearly better without him).