Should he tell her?

[bobsleighmagic]

DH and I have a mutual friend we have know for a long time. I'll call him Bob. We see him and his wife/family quite a bit. Last night Bob met DH for a drink and told him he's having an affair with someone at work. It's been going on for well over a year. She's not married and us younger. Bob and his wife struggled to conceive and went through quite a bit of IVF before their second was born (who is now 5 months) and he says the stress of this is what drove him to start seeing this other woman. As far as I know, Bob has no plans to end it with the OW or to tell his wife because he doesn't want to loose his kids, apparently.
DH is absolutely livid. They had a huge row and DH has told Bob he has until Sunday to tell his wife, or he will do it. He means it. Is this the right thing to do? On one hand I don't think it's any of our business but on the other hand I think I'd want to know if it was me in her position, but it's not about me is it?
I've tried to calm DH down so we can gather our thoughts a bit but he's determined to deliver his ultimatum. Anyone been in this position? What did you do?

There have been enough devastated posts on here from people absolutely heartbroken to learn that their friends knew about their partner's affair to confirm, for me, that you should always find a way to tell the betrayed spouse what is going on.

It is rare to hear from someone who wishes they'd never been told.

Op, your dh sounds brilliant. Poor woman, happily conceiving a much-wanted child while he's shagging the ow.

*NobodysChild
*
DH, Bob and I have known each other almost 20 years. Bob was DH's Best Man, and DH was his. We socialise as couples/families at least a couple of times a month, maybe more. I'd say that's pretty close. It's probably the exact reason Bob didn't tell DH. That and because he could probably predict how DH would react.

The more I think about it, the more I think Bob is using DH as the messenger because he's too spineless to tell his wife himself. DH said he just told him 'I'm sleeping with someone else' out of the blue when DH came back from the bar. Why do that?
I don't agree that DH telling me means he's got no morals. Quite the opposite. Bob is a mutual friend, as is his wife. I knew there was something wrong with DH as soon as he walked in the door. We don't do secrets between us. Bob knows this.

I do see your point about the ultimatum and blackmail. DH was blindsided by this bombshell, he reacted in the heat of the moment. As someone else said, of course he has no way of checking to see if Bob's told her. He thinks Bob should have the opportunity to tell his wife himself.
Ultimately, these are side issues. It basically boils down to whether we are complicit in Bob's deceit and keep quiet, or whether we tell her and destroy her life as she knows it. Not a nice position to be in.

I'm one of those who was hurt and angry that people who knew were too cowardly to tell me. I was gas lighted and abused for months before i worked it out. I thought I was losing my mind. Pretty much destroyed me mentally.

I guess the don't tell camp haven't been there.

I think your DH is doing the right thing.

If Bob is too spineless to tell his wife and wants your DH to tell her, surely he would have said as much and not be sent into a blind panic because your DH has threatened to run to Bob's wife? Why do you think Bob has tried messaging your husband and turning up at his work? You say your husband reacted in the heat of the moment, yet say he is determined to deliver his ultimatum? Why is your husband so enraged at Bob's affair and so hellbent on telling the wife? I'd cut the friendship and also inform all your other friends that if they ever want to confide in you both, you won't be able to keep that information to yourselves as you both have a moral duty to their spouses, friends, colleagues etc and won't be complicit in their deceit.

namechangemynameagain how awful. I hope you're in a better place now.
I understand if you'd rather not answer this, but do you think you would have believed your friend(s) if they'd told you? Would you have wanted them to tell you face to face, or is that too confrontational?

The minute Bob told your dh, he mafe hum complicit in all this. That's a really shitty thing to do to a friend. Your dh has to tell her - it's the only morally right course of action. Remember that if it all goes south, it wasn't your dh who caused it, but Bob. Bob's wife deserves to know the truth about her own life. I am sorry you find yourselves here - Bob is a piece of shit!

It is rare to hear from someone who wishes they'd never been told. you only have to look at statements on this thread which conclude that not wanting to know is gutless to see why people wouldn’t declare here that they’d rather not know.

I know people who have told the other party and more often than not the other party ends up blaming the messenger for the fact their relationship broke down, most likely because of the expectations that anyone finding out about an affair should immediately leave their partner.

The truth is that in cases of an affair both parties end up being judged. The person having the affair is judged for having the affair, but all too often the betrayed partner is also judged if they don’t act as the messenger and subsequently others feel they should.

How often do we see posts on here from people who have found out about their partner’s affair and how easily posters turn against them if they don’t declare that they have thrown him out immediately.

We none of us are living in anyone else’s life. And being the messenger and self-appointed moral guardian comes with consequences, not always positive ones.

What's all this complicit stuff?

People confide in me all the time - it's my job. It doesn't make me complicit in anything.

There is a difference between being professionally obliged to keep a person's secrets (like a doctor or counsellor) and a friend who has had this information dumped on them. The OP's dh didn't ask for this knowledge and now has been forced to choose between keeping the secret (hence complicit in the betrayal of Bob's wife, who is also his friend) or telling the truth.
A true friend would never put you in this position

It is surely a very different thing if people confide in you on a professional level? This situation concerns four very close friends.

Since Bob showed up at your DH's place of work to harass him and berate him, he is clearly more interested in covering his own ass then ending the fling and working on his marriage.

Bob (and I think you should go with him, as she's your friend) should go see her tomorrow while Bob is at work and let the wife know instead of waiting until Sunday. He hasn't left you much choice, and frankly, dinner Saturday night would be horrendous if Bob hasn't done the right thing

I feel terrible for Bob's wife, but I think most women would want to know. Especially when this has been going on through having a baby! Imagine what he could have brought home and passed on to her and the baby!

How is there a distinction between personal and professional confessions? Something told in confidentiality is supposedly confidential?

You never know - no matter how well you think you know someone - what goes on in someone else's marriage. So I'm another in the "it simply isn't any of your business" camp. If you don't want to be friends with Bob any more because of this, then don't be. That is entirely up to you. But this "I'm going to tell if you don't" thing is just childish. It also fundamentally makes assumptions about them and their marriage which you almost certainly aren't in any position to make.

I was cheated on just before our wedding, which was cancelled. I think people knew, it made me feel even more humiliated. If someone had told me I'd never have been cross with them. I think I'd have been shocked, hurt and bewildered. I'd ask them how they knew, I'd want evidence. I wasn't even mad at the girl he had an affair with (although I certainly didn't think much of her), it was him that had stood there lying to my face.. He was who I was livid at, nobody else.

How the heck does telling mean you're making assumptions about their marriage?? They may stay together, they may not. They're not running off and telling, they're giving him the opportunity to do the decent thing. What else are they supposed to do? Either lie to the wife's face or totally avoid her? And that's not childish, is it? I think doing that would be much more childish and totally selfish.

How the heck does telling mean you're making assumptions about their marriage??

Well - for a start, you're assuming:

a) that she doesn't already know or suspect what you are telling her
b) that she would want to know even if you would. I have a friend who very much subscribes to the "I ask no questions and I'm told no lies" school of thought. She's no fool, either; she just has a very different outlook on the world.
c) that she would welcome an outsider commenting on her marriage with the implicit assumption that it is somehow "wrong" or "broken"
d) that sexual fidelity is extremely important to her and is a vital part of her marriage. It's the be all and end all for some, but isn't the biggest deal for others.

I think Bob’s reaction today tells us that his wife does not know!

I think Bob’s reaction today tells us that his wife does not know!

Not necessarily. She maybe someone who is deeply private and would be far more humiliated by being presented with the information that someone else knows (and feels sorry for her) than she would by the actual fact that her DH was knocking around with someone else. The friend I referred to above would, I suspect, fall into this category. It's an old fashioned attitude, I suppose (for want of a better description), but one which regards discretion as paramount.

None of that changes anything. She just finds out other people know. She can still stay with him and say/do nothing if she wants. It just means only one person is lying to her and she's aware that other people know. She's still better off knowing everything and deciding what to do once she's in possession of the facts. If it's her choice to stay, so be it. One of my friends has just gone back to her fiancé that has cheated on her. Everyone thinks she's crazy, but at the end oft the day it's her choice. The gossip will die down and she can get on with things as if nothing happened.

**Your DH is brave and moral. Good on him I say. He sounds like a sensible man with integrity.
I'd definetly want to know if I was the wife.

Many will say it's not his business...in which case Bob should have kept it to himself.**

^I completely agree

Bobsleigh in answer to your questions, yes I would have believed them because I knew something wasn't right. I was sad and bewildered and would have welcomed an explanation.

Face to face would have been best. So much of communication is non verbal. Texts are impersonal, and tone can be mis-read.

It just means only one person is lying to her and she's aware that other people know. She's still better off knowing everything and deciding what to do once she's in possession of the facts.

That's your view of the world - and it's a perfectly reasonable one. But hers may be different. She may be more upset by the fact that she knows that other people know and have thrust it into her face (thereby no longer enabling her to "not know" (if you see what I mean)) than by the fact that he is shagging someone else. Public image carries more weight for some people than sexual fidelity.

I posted early on to tell her - but if you don't how could you possibly be in their company and fake normality? Or cancel plans and make her think you aren't her friend /or that she has upset you in some way? Keeping quiet would make you an accomplice imo.
She needs to know - and soon.

Op is your DH independently friends with Bob's wife?

If not why is he issuing ultimatums to Bob regarding his wife. Your DH is obviously no real friend to Bob. Sadly Bob knows this now.

Bob is no decent husband to his wife, and Bob’s wife should know that about him. Bob is also no decent friend to OPs DH and sadly OP’s DH now knows this by the position Bob has put him in.