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Original poster

I am aged 34. She is aged 21.

350 replies

Biweeklyshave · 18/06/2018 17:39

As the title suggests..... is this too big a gap. We clicked, I didn't realise she was so young until it came up in conversation. My male friends have been calling me a creep and although done in jest I feel there is a slight undertone with them.

Back ground I am separated with 2 young boys (7 & 9). Relationship with them and their mum is positive. Obviously at this stage I wouldn't think of introducing her to my boys or their mum but I'm thinking of my friends have an issue with gap then it's likely others will too.

OP posts:
Foodylicious · 19/06/2018 19:57

Sorry, I haven't quite rtft but have you met her friends?
Seen her in her own surroundings and how she is socially?
1:1 it might seem you really click and that she seems mature etc, but you might see her in a different light when she is with her friends or siblings.

LilQueenie · 19/06/2018 19:57

you said yourself all was fine until you found how old she was. I know plenty who have got into the same situation and they all went on to get married to each other. Do you need aproval for every girl you meet?

Original poster
Biweeklyshave · 19/06/2018 21:04

Ha! Some of these responses are quite funny...... lots of assumptions. Perhaps I'm a bit of a dick. Or perhaps not. Who knows...... I was certainly nieve when younger........ from a relationship perspective I also lacked maturity. But as many have pointed out maturity comes in different shapes and forms at different stages of life. I was seeing this thread more from a dating perspective. But people are thinking I want to lock this person up and stop her from enjoying her life and experiencing new things...... oh and just for the record my ex was considerably older than me....... so yes I can imagine dating a 47 year old. In fact if I'm brutally honest the age gap was one of the key factors which played in the demise of our relationship. But yes you live and learn.......

OP posts:
IcedPurple · 19/06/2018 21:14

But as many have pointed out maturity comes in different shapes and forms at different stages of life.

Does it though?

I asked the question before and didn't get an answer - how does someone who couldn't vote 4 years ago and still wouldn't be served a drink in many pubs have 'maturity' to compare with a 13 years older man who has two kids? What exactly do you mean by maturity?

In fact if I'm brutally honest the age gap was one of the key factors which played in the demise of our relationship. But yes you live and learn.......

You learn by going into another relationship with a age gap?

Fedupmum2 · 19/06/2018 21:20

I have a 12 year age gap with my partner. I'm 26 and he's 38. He has 2 DC from a previous relationship and we have 1 DC together. We've been together 4 years and don't notice the age gap all that much to be honest. I don't think it's creepy. He gets the same sort of comments from his work mates but just laughs it off. We're happy and that's what matters.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 19/06/2018 21:24

Yeah I can totally see you'd fix the age gap problem by swapping your partner for someone young enough to be her daughter Hmm

AdaColeman · 19/06/2018 21:28

But yes you live and learn...

Except you clearly haven't learnt.

AnyFucker · 19/06/2018 22:25

Yes, you sound like a dick

Loyaultemelie · 19/06/2018 23:13

There's nothing wrong with the age gap, it depends on the two of you. Just see what happens but do not let what others think colour your view, if my now dh had done that we wouldn't be where we are now. We have an 18 year age gap, we were best friends first but got together when I was 25, married when 27. Prior to being together he had seen me through an abusive relationship of 5 years and watched me find the strength to walk away from it, I had supported him through the illness and death of his last remaining parent. I owned a business and wasn't interested in travelling or partying and now we have 2 dcs. We have our ups and downs but that's life we are happy together and I can't imagine being with anybody else, not because dh is older than I am but because he's who he is.

Original poster
Biweeklyshave · 19/06/2018 23:18

Anyfucker..... you take this forum waaaay too seriously. Get yourself out there. How's that for dickness?

OP posts:
Tangled59 · 19/06/2018 23:20

/munches ppcorn

Quittingthyme · 19/06/2018 23:21

Not RTFT.

However, I met my husband at a similar age, but with a larger age gap. We have been together for 15 years.

He had 2 children, who I subsequently met and built a relationship with.

People still make assumptions about the origins of our relationship; Was I the other woman / did it financially benefit me etc.

There is always the distinct possibility that she has a mind of her own and is happy with the age gap, as you may be, although it sounds like you may need to get used to it.

The key question is : Do the opinions of other people matter enough to stop you pursuing this? Only you know the answer

AnyFucker · 20/06/2018 06:39

Hey, you're the one asking a bunch of strangers if it's ok to cop off with a 21 yo.

Helmetbymidnight · 20/06/2018 07:12

In fact if I'm brutally honest the age gap was one of the key factors which played in the demise of our relationship. But yes you live and learn.......

You learn by going into another relationship with a age gap?

Grin

I’m also interested in what is ‘maturity’. I’ve seen many posters bizzarely suggest they were mature because they ‘don’t like clubbing’

Er, what?

I’ve never liked clubbing- that doesn’t/didn’t make me a grown up.

swingofthings · 20/06/2018 07:27

I don't think the age gap itself has to be an issue, what will be much harder to adjust is her, at 20, accepting what it means to go out and then potentially commit to a father. That's much much harder to adjust to because, unless she is incredibly emotionally mature for her age (which isn't impossible), she will struggle with the concept of having to share your love with other human beings when that love is as, or in reality, stronger than it is for her.

Flamingosnbears · 20/06/2018 07:59

Only you know if it works or not, it doesn't matter what other's think it's your relationship and life, I'd say if you've clicked give it a go only time will tell just don't rush things especially when children are involved.

SandyY2K · 20/06/2018 08:05

My DP has children and we are TTC I don't think it's any less special because he's 'been there and done that' - thank you.

It's not less special to you...but it could be for the man in question. Of course any man with half a brain won't admit it's not as exciting as the first time.

SandyY2K · 20/06/2018 08:08

In fact if I'm brutally honest the age gap was one of the key factors which played in the demise of our relationship. But yes you live and learn..

Then why walk the same road again?

Mrsmadevans · 20/06/2018 08:12

My BF has a 13 yr gap between her and her DH and are very happy, been together 12 yrs now , she is 53 he has just celebrated his 40th birthday. They have 2 DC and have a great life. She does wrry about looking too old for him but he is going bald so he looks much older now Grin

HarryLovesDraco · 20/06/2018 08:12

You're at completely different life stages. She may not understand what the implications of that are, being 21, but you should! I don't know why anyone mid 30s with kids would think it's a good idea to get involved with a 21 year old. She will move on at some point; leaving you a bit older and probably no wiser but more importantly your kids may attach to her. Bad idea.

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 20/06/2018 08:14

If you were my friend I would judge you. I feel sorry for the girls parents.

IcedPurple · 20/06/2018 09:27

*I’m also interested in what is ‘maturity’. I’ve seen many posters bizzarely suggest they were mature because they ‘don’t like clubbing’

Er, what?*

Exactly! Even when I was 19 I was never into 'clubbing' but I still wouldnt' have wanted to date a nearly middle aged dad.

I'm still waiting for a definition of 'maturity'. Often it's meant to mean that you're ready to 'settle down' and into that whole mortgage & kids lifestyle. However, I'm in my late 40s and not into any of that. Does that mean I'm not 'mature'? I don't think so.

I still think 'maturity' is trotted out as a way for older blokes (it's usually blokes) to justify getting it on with girls who couldn't vote a few years ago.

Mangoo · 20/06/2018 11:24

@Sandy

My point is the posters saying 'but what about her right to do X Y and Z' as if they know this woman or what she enjoys doing.

I have friends who at 21 weren't interested in going out partying etc... Who wanted to settle down and who did so.

Who are we to say what her rights/wants out of life are. Maybe she's considered this and it isn't a huge deal for her.

The question was is the age gap bad and to me no it isn't. They are consenting adults. If this woman is happy to be in this relationship than who are we to comment otherwise and why should the OP finish things with her so that she can fulfill her right to party and 'be young'. If that's the way she wants to live then the relationship likely won't last anyway but for godsake the poor woman has a right to choose for herself whether she's happy to take on this life or not.

And as for your comment about TTC not being as special for my DP as me perhaps you're right. It's my first and it's not his but it's special to US and our relationship and we've been through a lot of pretty crap stuff related to it which makes it all the more important to us.

Mangoo · 20/06/2018 11:25

Then*

Miladamermalada · 20/06/2018 11:26

21 is too young, sorry. If it were 31 and 45 no problem but she's still a child in many respects. Let her live her life and find someone at your stage with children.

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