Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

My son has just been diagnosed with High Functioning Autism and this thread has made me so sad - for the people experiencing such unhappiness with an affected partner and for the affected party too.

I’m finding all the hopes I had for my son’s happiness starting to fall away.

@Merryoldgoat - then you haven't read my posts right through. DH and I are extremely happy together and have been for 25 years. He truly is the love of my life. He is the sweetest, kindest, most trustworthy man I've ever met. He's a great dad. We have a lot in common and enjoy sharing our interests. He doesn't cool off stuff and get bored of it like NT people often do, so we've had years of enjoying what we love. He is deeply, profoundly intelligent. He is hilariously funny. He still makes me laugh like a drain because his humour is so offbeat and unexpected, and then he gets this sweet, pleased look on his face when I laugh, because he didn't know I'd find it funny.

Honestly, I wouldn't change him for another man. I was once in love with someone else and I am still friends online with him and know how utterly miserable I would have been married to him not DH.

ASD people are usually extremely loyal and trustworthy. And that's a great starting point for a happy, healthy relationship.

@Minapaws - thank you for your post - I can’t tell you how much that means.

My son is the sweetest little boy I could imagine and I adore his quirks and I hope he finds someone he can be happy with the way you and your DH are.

My son has been car obsessed since he was 2 and I love how excited he gets by all of the things he’s interested in. It’s so I’ve to hear how valued his quirks can be by people other than his family.

From my biased opinion a person with ASD can have a very happy marriage with ease. It’s the spouse who has the unhappy marriage. ( of course this doesn’t apply to every situation). I wonder if 2 people with autism are more likely to both be happy if they are together. Although my exes parents both had autism and separated after 3 years of marriage, so of course it’s not a given.

@slanetylor I somewhat agree with you. It's hard navigating life together in an AS/NT marriage especially for the NT person. Trying to pick apart misunderstandings and take on the emotional load is hard work! I am determined to make marriage work as I know my husband loves me, even if I don't feel it all of the time. I just want to protect our DS too as he finds some of DH's behaviour confusing.

As a person with ASD I don't agree. It's just as hard for us as it is for a person with nt. I honestly think that some marriages work some don't. Some people are compatible some arent. We love as we do but we aren't always compatible with people we love.
For some people love is enough to get though such difference however for others it isn't. I don't think it simply rests on a person being autistic. It's the same for any disability, mental health issues ect. Everyone at some point or has habbit that are difficult for others its weather others can live with it, we can change or some sort of compromise can be put into place.

My previous relationship with an ASD husband was very happy. We adored one another - until, one day, he apparently decided that he was super-confident and outgoing now and was going off to meet other people. He'd never shown this total lack of empathy before, he'd always been hugely sensitive to my (and others) feelings, and his ASD manefested more as a lack of social awareness and behaving somewhat 'oddly' under some circumstances.

My current DP (ASD) is more what you think of when you think of 'traditional' ASD people - obsessively interesting in one thing, rigid schedules, lack of intimacy (except for sex), inability to predict my feelings, etc etc. So I know that not all ASD people are the same, just as not all NT people are the same. But I haven't lived with a NT man for so long that I don't remember what it's like now. Sometimes I'm happy and sometimes it's utter shit, just like all lives.

I'm pretty certain my husband has Aspergers and after reading up on it since a family member was diagnosed with it even he thinks he has it too.

It's lonely for me. He has no interest in me or anything I have to say. He has hobbies he's obsessed with and they're all he's interested in - we sit apart in the evenings, with him focused on doing stuff relating to his hobbies, if I try to talk to him I get brushed off or shouted at for interrupting. He has anger issues. He also has an auditory processing problem so even when I can talk to him he takes a while to process what I'm saying and I can wait a couple of minutes for a response.

He has no empathy. I've had a couple of health conditions which have required emergency surgery in the past few years and I haven't had so much as a hug. I've been sent straight to hospital for surgery and have had no reassurance or support, he won't talk about it at all. He's very practical and has helped tremendously when I've had weeks of recovery but he won't give emotional support and if I happened to mention that I was in pain he'd call me pathetic.

He's highly successful in his career, but he's very good at masking. I've seen him in a professional capacity and he's like a different person. The person I originally met. People would be shocked if they saw him at home. We've been together a long time so he now often lets the mask slip when he's with my family for example. This is how I had no idea until later on in our relationship - he made the effort to mask for me.

Someone asked about stimming - he has always chewed on his clothes, ruining many a top.

All this aside, he's a good person and a great father. He can be kind and thoughtful when he wants to be and is very intelligent. He's trustworthy and helpful practically - he does his fair share of housework without me asking and cooks for us. Despite everything above I'm actually happy but that's because I'm happy with my own company and I've learnt not to expect any emotional support from him - I need to look to friends and family for that.

@Merryoldgoat The problem isn't HFA/Aspergers. The problem is when it's undiagnosed. The next generation are unlikely to face the same problems because diagnosis offers a form of self-insight as well as a framework for non-Aspergers partners to understand things on. In most of these posts, the Aspergers has been discovered AFTER years of the non-Aspergers person trying to make things work. The Aspergers person, with limited/no theory of mind is unable to grasp how their partner may be impacted by them, that they think differently, or that they might be wrong about things sometimes. Knowing they have Aspergers means they will be familiar with the idea they think about some things differently than people without it. Knowing that difference exists opens the possibility to discuss things in a relationship. Without that awareness the partner is always wrong.

Your DS is already way ahead of the game with a diagnosis, which also offers the possibility of learning coping mechanisms too. The situation is luckily not comparable.

Zaphod I'm sorry to ask but why would you live like this? Even if he doesnt live with you, it sounds absolutely unbearable being around him especially the intimate parts. It sounds like you are resigned to this man when theres a whole different way to live. I really apologize if my post upsets you , I just feel sad that someone has to put up with this.

My DH has Autism but for years I had no idea. Some of his behaviour was just baffling and quite frankly dangerous for all of us. DS has autism and I reckon will be as high functioning as his father.

It has been brutally hard on me to be DH's partner. It's been even harder to have children with him. I hope DS will be able to have more insight into himself and at least any potential partners will know up front about his diagnosis. But even then I'd be worried. I'd rather see DS single for life than put another woman through what I've been through with DH. It's really not been even remotely fair on me and I wouldn't have chosen to do it again.

May I ask a question, from the POV of the spouse with ASD?

What could we do differently?

If you could teach your DHs one thing that would improve your lives, what would it be?

Bearing in mind we usually can’t learn to be intuitive about feelings or otherwise be less autistic - but what could we do practically to be better spouses (spice?)

The one thing that would massively improve my relationship with Dh would be if he didn't say 'No,' and block every single idea that wasn't initiated by him. E.g. blocking changes to the house that he hasn't personally noticed need making. Or going on holiday (have to say he has totally turned around on this one now and it makes me very happy.)

This includes emotional stuff. So if I try to talk with him about how his very emotionally challenging behaviour makes me feel he just gets angry and 'disagrees'. As though my feelings are an opinion he can challenge. It makes me seethe inwardly and I find real dips in my love for him at those times. This is within the context of a very happy, cheerful, calm and strong marriage. All relationships have ups and downs and imperfections.

All I want is for him to listen and accept that I have a different experience, opinion and reaction to his and that it's equally valid.

Well I honestly don’t believe you can have a good relationship without being intuitive about feelings. I DESPISE pointing out the obvious. My dd’s father would keep shouting at her way beyond acceptable because he cannot see how he is traumatizing her. Having to tell him to stop makes me hate him. He should see the damage he’s doing.
I suppose the most snnyoyibg thing I’m dealing with him is that he has practiced mst conversations and will think he knows what I’m going to say. So he doesn’t listen AT ALL to me. He gets annoyed if I ever from his script. So my advice would be to actually listen to the actual things people say. And to act on them.
If I asked him to do something, he will not hear me the first few times. I’ll need to put it in writhing. Then he’ll do it wrong several times. It’s always a whole thing. If he sounds like a child, remember he thinks he’s Gods greatest achievement and that he’s amazing at everything.

@AQuickWeeNameChange

Thank you for your post. Reading again through the posts I am actually a little more hopeful.

My DS (although very young still so obviously things could change) does seem to be able to cope quite well with lots of the things that seem difficult for many:

No issues with routines and happy to deviate from ‘normal’ and I will encourage this flexibility as he progresses through childhood.

Likes to discuss ideas and understands when he’s upset someone so apologises of his own volition even if he still thinks he’s right.

Seems to be naturally very kind (this is probably personality more than anything and separate from his diagnosis).

However if his car obsession continues then I suspect I’ll see him in a tabloid getting married to a Nissan Leaf (he particularly loved electric and hybrid cars).

The thing that would improve my relationship would be if my OH could actually reason that sex without any kind of other touching turns me cold. That you can't keep a physical distance from someone and suddenly decide that you want sex, so grab nipple and shove hand down and start scrabbling. That sex for women is mostly 'in the mind', where he literally cannot go, and not purely a physical sensation like scratching an itch. Which, incidentally, he wouldn't do either, because it would mean (shudder) touching.

MIssP he's not an unmitigated bastard! He's actually quite a nice chap, he can socialise to a certain degree, he likes my kids (all adult now) and makes great efforts to get on with them. I have a job I do from home and he's quite happy to let me go in another room and do it while he watches TV alone, he's also very kind, within the limits of ASD. And just knowing that it's an actual disability, that he didn't choose to be this way out of sheer awkwardness, and he doesn't often even know that he's any different or behaving oddly until I tell him.

Believe me, I've been with NT men and they were worse (although I'm actually now beginning to wonder whether previous partners weren't also ASD, and maybe I'm some sort of magnet...)

If I could my DH to do something different it would be to not get so defensive when I need to point something out. He doesn't really listen. Once he's assumed he knows what I'm saying he stop listening at all. I wish I wish he could just own up to hard it is on me. That I do shoulder a hell of a lot more than I would if I were with an NT man. It would go along way toward the resentment.

Married 8 years, separated 2 years ago and divorced. The article was very true for me and nearly had me in tears, particularly "People who do not have Asperger’s Syndrome enter a marriage with the normal expectation that the priority of a marriage relationship will be about togetherness, mutual terms and meeting of needs, but in reality the relationship ends up being more one of practicality and convenience for the person with Asperger’s Syndrome than for the loving and meeting of emotional needs of the marital partner."

I know that I'm not perfect and knew before marriage that XH considers himself to have Asperger's characteristics (undiagnosed), but hadn't appreciated how the lack of intimacy would affect me.

I am so much happier now.

Did you start a new relationship or are you just happy by yourself? I’m not sure I could put my emotions out there again. My partner with ASD found my emotions laughable and I don’t think I can get over that.

Oh yes, and if he could lose the obsession with fucking burglars!

We were planning a day visit to my DD who lives in a nearby city and he kept on about his phone getting stolen by a gang on scooters (the city wasn't London, doesn't have a particular crime problem and I've never heard this one before). I just said 'it won't' but he was convinced he was going to have it snatched from his hand. He's also convinced that I'm going to have my car stolen (broken window so can't lock it - this has NEVER been a problem in my tiny, rural community) or that leaving any windows or doors open (particularly at night) will mean 'burglars get in'. Bearing in mind he has a dog that bites me, I feel this is unlikely, but he keeps on about it...

I dont know if this is any help but I believe Derby Relate have expertise in this area and can offer support. Maybe worth a look.

www.relatederby.org.uk/aspergers_syndrome_support.html

Oh wow, my ex had an obsession with burgers too!! He would rant at me if I didn’t lock everything up.