Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

I am sorry for you that it's come to this OP. But you have clearly sorted things out well and I bet you'll be so much happier.

I'm married to a man with HFA an dhave one HFA child, and it's nothing like as lonely as you describe. It is emotionally lonely and draining but my DH is far more family focused than that.

I've a DD with (I suspect ) HFA. It's exhausting living with her. ( Yes I know it must be even more so, for her) I honestly have no idea what she is thinking or feeling most of the time :( The complete lack of concern or consideration is so wearing.

I have two people in my life who have HFA, one is less HF than the other if I'm honest...neither are my partner but I've lived with them both and know them extremely well.

One is a mess: unemployed, addled, impossible to negotiate with and his wife has been through the mill. The other has all the obvious attributes of HFA but lives a good life, is perceptive, kind and manages to sustain a healthy relationship. I think personality has an enormous impact. HFA is just one part of who the person is.

Slundle knowing people well is truly not the same as being in an emotional relationship with someone. The way you describe your second friend is almost word for word how people view my husband. And he IS all those wonderful things to his friends. But as soon as he has to respond in an emotional way to his intimate partner, he can't. When he has to respond to the emotional needs of his children, he simply doesn't even see them. BUT those are the kind of emotional needs that are rarely shown in public, so nobody sees. And IF they are shown, the people witnessing the situation (generally good friends) don't know the whole story and/or just see a snippet and are distracted by something else. They may not even notice. The problem isn't that it happens once, it's that it's relentless. Absolutely relentless. At least in some cases.

I'm only responding to your comment because it's a common misconception that good friends think they know everything about someone's behaviour in an intimate relationship. My DH's friends think like you. They simply have no idea about the reality when the doors close.

Also, he knows certain things are done in public, so he does them. When we get home, he's exhausted from making the effort to fit into general social patterns, so stops.

Absolutely ! No one can understand what we go through with dd. They don't see it, so it doesn't happen . But, it does.

Can I join in please? My OH is Aspergers. Not highly intelligent, his only interest was cars and working with cars, so he never bothered at school. So when I mention anything I would expect someone to know about, the civil war, basic science, he evinces absolutely no knowledge of it. My main problem with him (apart from his total pickiness with food and his almost pathological attachment to his dog) is the lack of anything approaching an emotional connection.

We never cuddle, or kiss or hold hands. Sex is initiated by him grabbing my boob and shoving a hand between my legs. His entire sexual repertoire is derived from porn films.

He's a lovely man, very kind, but he absolutely believes that the way he behaves is completely normal. He cannot imagine being anyone else, or how anyone else feels. I'm not at the point of leaving him yet, but, but I think that's just because we don't live together.

There's nothing wrong with having Aspergers. There IS a problem when it's undiagnosed or unrecognised in an intimate relationship though.

This. I read that article and it was horribly depressing. I went on to read more on that site, and, apart from being ableist, it was frightening. But very true. I know everyone is different, and it takes all sorts and all that, and I don't have a problem with Aspergers as such, what I do have the problem with is someone manefesting as NT until you are in a relationship and they feel safe to drop the mask.

Another one here with a DH who has Aspergers. Highly intelligent, engineer (rather than scientist), obsessed with work and can talk about nothing else. It's frustrating. He is always tidying and gets very impatient if the house isn't like a show-home. Things all have to be arranged in a certain way, everything has to be in its correct place etc. The kids can barely leave any toys around, they all have to be in their own rooms etc.

It's the one-sided conversations I get really fed up with. 95% of our conversations are him talking about his stuff. If I try to talk about anything in my life, he stares at his phone, walks out of the room, or brings the subject back to himself somehow. I've given up now. I just nod and smile, and don't try to talk.

I got together with him after an abusive relationship having been stalked by my ex. My current DH felt like somewhere I could be safe. Frustrating though it is, he still is a safe place. I don't have to engage with him too much, he certainly doesn't engage with me too much because he can't, we rub along fine most of the time and the rest of the time I have my own space which is bliss after what I went through.

Greypaw - funnily, I got together with my partner after the traumatic end of a previous relationship, because he was calm and didn't crowd me. It felt restful and lovely.

It's now, seven years later, longing for an actual conversation or intimacy or sex that feels meaningful, that it's becoming a problem. I've now become part of one of those couples that everyone feels sorry for in a restaurant, because she's sitting and trying to chat over their meal and he's shovelling food in like it's a sport.

Sounds familiar, @Zaphodsotherhead. On the plus side my friends network has significantly improved because I get most of my emotional intimacy from them instead.

He does try, to be fair. He reminds himself to ask me questions and listens to the answers - when he does that it's really nice and he takes it all in. It's just that he has to remind himself. I know because I've seen the lists he's made.

And OH GOD THE LISTS.

Oh yes. The lists.

I don't know how much more I can stand. Thinking of suggesting we call it a 'friendship relationship' rather than an actual partnership because I know his behaviour is going to worsen with age. He's 53 now and firmly believes that EVERYONE goes to sleep in their chair for an hour or so every day. He's already like an old man!

I'm puzzled. Wasn't he like this when you married him or has it got worse?

In any event you have to do what is right for you

So much of this resonates. My ex DP has Aspergers, his behaviour deteriorated so much I felt I had no option but to leave for my own sake and for my DCs - the relationship had become emotionally abusive due to his manipulation of all of us and absolute determination that he was right, everyone else was at fault and his totally inability (or refusal, depending on your point of view) to consider how anyone else might feel. What I could never work out - and he refused to even discuss - was whether the Aspergers made him like that or whether he was just a selfish stubborn rude bastard anyway. Leaving him was honestly the best thing I ever did, I now live with a lovely lovely man and the children are happy - we can do things together and have conversations and be ourselves and not have to worry about what particular thing was going to tip their dad over the edge this time. Good luck everyone!

In short I WAS married to someone who clearly has ASD and he has self diagnosed since our separation. However probably hasn't and never will accept that after 3 failed marriages it might be something to do with him and not the EVERYONE ELSE!

We separated 5 years ago. Happiest I have ever been. We were married for 15years. The final last straw was when I wanted to get a degree in nursing and he said "it's not the right time in our lives!" Meaning the world would have to revolve loosely around me for 3years and not EXACTLY AND PRECISELY around him.

I'm quite sure he's happier too. He has a GF that he doesn't live with but spends every other weekend with. He is able to have his house EXACTLY AND PRECISELY how he wants it. He gets to spend 50% of his time doing EXACTLY AND PRECISELY what he wants. We have 50/50 care of the kids so he doesn't have to pay me a penny so he can spend his money EXACTLY AND PRECISELY how he wants.

Can you tell he liked to live his life EXACTLY AND PRECISELY? That was the main problem. I'm a very spontaneous and colourful person he was not.

My advice (for what's it worth) is if you truly don't see a future then leave before you begin to hate him. My ex-h and I have a better relationship now, we actually communicate more!! I don't hate him I just don't and can't love him.

I would like to add ex-h is a scientist.

But they aren't all high achieving scientist types. Mine was a garage worker (car obsessed) until the garage closed. Now jobbing labourer type worker. Sometimes it doesn't come linked with high intelligence or achievement.

Not me but a fellow mum at school. Married to a guy who is obviously ASD (but this is never mentioned by her) with two ASD DCs (diagnosed).

She coped by having an affair (but never left). There’s a lot of blame in their marriage because of the children. I don’t think she saw the traits in her H until she had children, then the scales fell from her eyes...

Zaphod - you don't have to say that. You can just say that you were incompatible once you started spending more time together. ASD doesn't have to come into it. If she asks, just hug her and say, no, it's nothing to do with his ASD. You have ASD and I've lived very happily with you for decades.

You are right Zapho. The HFA element in ASD does lend itself to a academic job. I also know a clearly ASD chap who is permanently on DLA and has never worked a day in his life. Takes all sorts to make a world!

Trouble is Mina, we've been in a relationship for seven years. We've been on holiday together. It's very obvious to them that the ASD is a big problem in our relationship! It's always going to be hard for my DD NOT to think it played a part! (I'll never forget the looks on their faces when we were coming back from a holiday, stuck in an airport waiting for a delayed flight. I had no Euros left, he had about fifty. We were all hungry. He bought himself a sandwich. Which he ate in front of me. I could, apparently, wait to eat until we got back to Britain and I could use my pounds. I guess it was my fault for not saying 'oy, lend me a few quid so I can buy food', but I was waiting for him to offer. He never did and everyone was a bit about it).

I'm really impressed we've got this far without a host of people jumping on saying 'he's not got ASD, he's just a jerk' etc.

I'm 25yrs into marriage with an undiagnosed aspie. We twigged about 5 years ago, and it has helped us so much.

I learned to be emotionally independent of him (at the cost of a sex life), because he was unable to give me that kind of relationship.

He's a good man but he plays the father and husband role as he thinks it is, rather than responding to his wife or kids.

I also got with my husband after escaping abuse from my narcissistic mother. He is undiagnosed AS but people (including psychologists assessing me) have picked up on it. He was definitely my calm, constant companion. He could deal with things in a factual, rather than emotional way which was a complete relief.

I too am struggling at the moment. I often feel like I'm having to mother my husband. I have M.E. and am so exhausted but I rely on him for physical / financial support of not emotional.

The bit about trying to have a conversation while your OH shovels in food (or repeatedly checks phone...) Rings so true.

There's a website called Different Together which makes me feel less alone and might help some of you?

Thank you to everyone for this - I'm feeling a little overwhelmed but this rings so many bloody bells. I found my new relationship so reassuring and safe after DV, but 15 years on, the work obsession, lack of care, about himself or me, ...pretty much every trait mentioned on here.. the disconnect between intimacy and sex, I'm going to have to have a bit of a think. Have been trying to figure out how to leave without the children falling apart, maybe I need to talk to him/ someone about this first.

In a way out is a relief to know it's not me, but then, will it change anything? He's desperate to fix everything so maybe it would be positive.

Don't know why I clicked on this thread, but thank you.