Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

It seems that those who cope with an HFA partner seem to have to adapt to being a 'parent' to them. All this 'working out stratagies to manage' and having to adjust your life to cope with the fact that they cannot do certain things, or see things in a certain way. I don't want to be a substitute mummy, I want someone who sees my needs and acts on them without having to be told to act in a certain way.

It's my fault, it was hubris. My previous partner was HFA and his 'peculiarities' (for want of a better word) chimed with my own, so I thought I knew what I was getting in to and how to manage. My DP hadn't even heard of Aspergers and all his family are deep in denial, but because of my previous experience I could see it very very clearly.

Reading with interest. I’m in an ASD/NT marriage; I’m the one with autism.

I wonder if the characteristic ‘low sense of danger’ of some aspies could explain the carelessness with the meds?

Not that it’s excusable. You just don’t do that. If you know you have a tendency to do things like that you put a plan in place so you don’t.

Zaphod, it's not always true. I don't feel like a mother to my DH. Not at all. What I have had to learn to do is:

• get emotional support and fulfilment through friendships not marriage
• accept we'll never have a joint social life, and so that I miss out on any community centred socialising based around couples. Instead, I have a social life focused entirely on female friendship groups.
• plan ahead by about five years (not joking!) if I want us to do anything that is out of the normal. Five years persuading to do IVF, 5 years persuading to move out of London, 5 years to even contemplate taking DC abroad once they'd reached school age (discussed it with DC aged 4, knowing he'd agree by the age of 9.) 5 years to discuss going outside Europe etc. These are all things he genuinely wants to do, not things I've coerced him into doing. But the leap from desire to action in him takes 5 years to process.

Yes, these can all be frustrating but I doubt they're more frustrating than the issues that arise in a neurotypical marriage. Our marriage is pretty harmonious most of the time. More so than many people's. It is possible.

Are you female, Spartacus?
I think women with HFA are better able to accommodate others. They seem to work at fitting in, whereas men with HFA either don't realise where they are dropping the ball, or don't care. All the women I know with HFA husbands do pretty much all the compromising and adapting.

On the positive side, I don't get the drama other people have, he's very reliable and predictable. He's my rock. He's a very steadying influence, which can be a bit of a dampener but is generally ok. I just let him get on with things the way he likes, and don't look for any hidden criticism or message in his behaviour.

If he's vacuuming vigorously around me, he isn't making a point, he just thinks he should vacuum.

Pickle - yes, I’m female, and appreciate autistic males present quite differently. Women with ASD get socialised to mask at all costs and defer to everyone, which is a problem in itself but not the same one.

Didn’t mean to derail by talking about myself, apologies. I guess I just wanted to gain some insight, as I see a bit of myself in some of the DHs, and ‘emotional availability’ has always utterly perplexed me.

Chicken lover

I have sent you a pm.

I can completely relate to everything that's being said. DH and I were together for 20 years and split up 2 years ago when his emotional outbursts got unbearable and sometime aggressive.

It wasn't until we were splitting up that I thought about Aspergers but it fits perfectly - he won't acknowledge it because he doesn't see anything wrong in how he behaves.

I don't want to hijack, but those of you with children, how do they cope with their Dad? Especially if you have split up and they have to deal with him on their own?

We are supposed to have 50/50 care but gradually they have reduced contact with him (they are pre-teen/teens) because he's let them down badly and unload his emotions on them now rather than me.
The eldest is virtually NC but the younger ones keep trying.

They are at his this weekend and DD(15) is determined to have a conversation with him about how's she's feeling and how things can improve. But I can see she going down the same route I did for years - if I'd just explained better/picked a different time of day/used a different tone of voice - he would understand what I'm saying.

But I know he won't - because he isn't able to.

It's so sad he's not going understand the importance of this conversation to their relationship.
And it's heartbreaking that it's not going to give DD1 the 'lightbulb' moment she wants and the Dad she needs.

I think she needs to do this so she can feel she's tried everything she can. I've tried to manage her expectations and she's resilient and will ultimately be fine. But I'm waiting for the phone call from a disappointed and upset girl

I've spent the last few days (as long as I've been on this thread, actually) reading up on stuff. And I actually feel relief. I was thinking 'if only I could make him understand how his lack of emotional intelligence is affecting me', or 'maybe it's because I've pulled back that he's behaving as he does', and feeling so guilty. Now I realise that he really just hasn't got a clue how I feel. And, what's worse, I don't think he cares.

As long as I'm here, not doing anything that requires him to change, I'm ideal girlfriend material.

Did you mean me @Plantlover? I may have to change my name to chickenlover now.

I am I a HFA/HFA relationship both me and dh have Aspergers. We are though very different although I find the exact same things a challenge it is often me who has to pull myself together and get on with it. I wear a mask and do well doing so. Dh won't even try. All the things to do with children, the house , finances ECT I have to do. He only does work. When not at work he is either stuck to his phone or on his Xbox. I have actually found the fact I keep the mask on and do what needs to be done has made my issues like anxiety, social interaction actually worse. Where has dh is less anxious and actually now socialises at work now as he feels less like it has to be forced where as for the dcs sake I have to force it and deal with everything else.
I also think the high function label with the autism makes people think it's not that we don't face these challenges when actually it just means we have a good 'mask'.

Thank you Spartacus and aspieparent for your perspectives.

Lady Roberta, mine cope by understanding him. We are very open about how we all have our 'foibles' and it's better to manage a way around them than get cross. We've all learned to be very tolerant of each other. DH does have a quick rage occasionally, but it's more an over reaction to something like a spill where he'll shout and stamp and bang until it is cleared up. We say calming things and help with the clear up, and know that it isn't really aimed at us.

Sometimes if he's being very stampy, I'll tell him that if he doesn't want to talk to me about it then he'll have to sort it out on his own because his banging about is making me anxious.

He can give the appearance of being ever so rude at times. Walking away while someone is talking to him, etc.

I just let him get on with things the way he likes, and don't look for any hidden criticism or message in his behaviour.

@picklemepopcorn - that's so wise. I always forget that DH has no hidden agenda, because I grew up with a dad who was always silently seething with resentment at some slight you weren't aware you'd inflicted. DH bangs around doing the bins on bin night and I feel myself getting tense rigid at his anger. But he's never angry, he's just doing the bin. he wouldn;t know how to seethe inwardly at anything.

Fascinating thread.
I'm not in a relationship with a man with Aspergers, but I used to be (sort of) as I'm 99% sure ds dad has it. Actually after reading this I'm 100%!
He's actually quite kind in his way-very left wing, very strong sense of right and wrong about political ideas, but no sense that he is morally responsible for paying to feed his child..
He's a surprisingly good listener if you have a problem, and is totally non judgmental but he can't examine the difficulties in his own life or enact any kind of change to help himself.
He is highly intelligent but also incapable of stepping outside of his routine so if he has a badly paid job, he will keep the badly paid job, or if he and ds always do x, they will always do x, even when ds is totally bored.
The thing that scares me is that ds has many qualities that scream Aspergers too -obsessive hobbies/ interests, list making, memorising minutae,fixation on things being EXACTLY and PRECISELY the way he wants them (love that from a pp). Ds is also very witty though, and, I think, quite tuned in emotionally, very empathetic on the whole (he can melt down and be totally self centered but when he calms down he will apologise and say he was wrong) and physically very affectionate, so I'm hoping he's not too far down the spectrum.
I have a fairly severely autistic relative too, but then he is also quite witty, so I guess people with AS can actually be funny, despite what we are told.
Anyway, ds dad used to just rile me more than anyone as I just couldn't get him to see anything my way. It felt like he just had no reasoning. He had his view, and that was right, and I was crazy and that was that. It MADE me crazy!
But at the same time he would make totally irational decisions, or do something breathtakingly selfish, and he couldn't see it. I felt at the time as though he wouldn't, but now I just think he couldn't.
The sandwich at the airport story had me nodding-that's exactly what he would do!
I'm sorry things are so hard for you OP , but you know you are doing the right thing. Once you walk away you will feel so much less angry.

DH and DS are very funny. But only when they are with a select few people. DS has a friend (just the one) and us, DH just has us. With everyone else they are monosyllabic.

When we were first married, I'd cook and serve dinner then put it on the table to find he'd got himself cutlery but not me.
When I tried to get him to plan how he would cope with our new baby, if something happened to me, he suggested getting him adopted.
He can't imagine, or plan for, something that hasn't happened.

DS is very warm, and a good listener. I worked hard with him, tbh, to get the soft skills his dad hasn't got.

I have suspected for a while that my partner of 9 years has Asperger's. He actually told me a few years ago whilst drunk that he thought he was Autistic but I just brushed it off, which I feel bad about now.

Is anyone else's partner going mental over the England game tonight? He's already woken up the baby with his shouting and screaming! He's thrown the biggest tantrum ever when Columbia scored, swearing and hitting furniture. I'm hiding in the bedroom! He's so calm usually but when football is on he turns into someone completely different. Maybe it's a man thing?

I guess what I'm really asking is whether this kind of behaviour is due to his lack of empathy or is this a normal reaction to football? I've been with him so long now I can't remember what "normal" behaviour looks like!

My husband doesn't go mental about the football. He does the maths with each game though because he's doing fantasy football. He claims he dislikes the actual sport but if there's an opportunity to try and win something statistically... Drives me mad!

@MinaPaws, that is such a good assessment.
How did you work out the problems and find solutions without first tearing your hair out? The delayed processing could feel like blocking if you don't understand it.

It seems there are many common behaviours, the laying out cutlery for himself only is an example I have seen....literally no thought that others would need cutlery.Also the sandwich situation, we were delayed and ex realised it meant dinner time would be later, he set off to get food for himself without asking if I was hungry. I remember it so clearly as he was completely focused and it never dawned on him to as me.At the time you assume it's a one off incident since we were in the romantic phase and there was definitely more good than bad.

Ime, the degree of HFA behaviours are impacted by the childhood nurturing or lack of it.Ex is HFA but also had an abusive childhood which ampified his lack of consideration for others, mostly because he could not trust anyone to give him fair feedback and he was never shown a way to deal with anger in a healthy way.
He is successful because he follows rules and he would never mismanage an employee because its done by the HR rule book.He has learned to express sympathy and has a stock of phrases for situations.He makes the perfect corporate manager but it doesn't translate to intimate relationships as that involves responding to the person as no rule book.

My OH seems to have grown up in a family where there was no emphasis placed on emotional relationships. We suspect his DF is HFA too, his DM and DF have a very 'distant' relationship, so he can't even model what he saw growing up. He has no base to copy from, so is a bit 'free floating' when it comes to how he should behave towards me.

He does try, and has moments where I think 'oh yes, he's got it', but I think it is acting. He does consider me, but only in absolutely practical terms (hence the sandwich thing, hunger is not practical, so it wouldn't occur to him that I literally couldn't just survive til we got back to Britain). In fact he gets a bit anxious if he decides to mow my lawn and I say no!

How did you work out the problems and find solutions without first tearing your hair out? The delayed processing could feel like blocking if you don't understand it.
@lifebegins50 - oh there was a lot of tearing my hair out. For the best part of the first fifteen years we were together I didn't get it. But when DS2 was diagnosed, aged 12, it helped a lot as DH sat in on the assessment and realised that he too was probably ASD, so did the Baron-Cohen test and scored highly. From then on we were able to have a proper conversation (occasionally ) on finding the right balance for each of us.

Both DH and myself have had many people, remark on our behaviours over the years. Many people have called us odd/weird. Neither of us is diagnosed with aspergers but DH clearly shows many strong traits and apparently I do as well. When people do things driven by obvious emotion that isn't a good idea we are both very much well why would you do that.

We both have totally obsessive behaviour about subjects, both stick to rules. If people break rules I get really stressed.

Having DS and seeing the way he is has made me really question if we do have this because DS is so very different to us and fits in and is not even remotely odd.

Of an evening we will watch a tv programme together or do the crossword or go for a walk. But both of us then like to do our home based hobbies. We sit in the same room wearing headphones both doing what we want so we don't disturb each other. It works very well for us.

When it comes to levels of intelligence DH is off the scale and took his A levels at sixteen and is one of the worlds leading experts in his field. I taught myself to read before I went to school, remember every phone number that I have ever had to ring if I had to use it a few times over a lifetime. I scare people with how I remember everything.

So as much as this thread is more about how people cope with a partner I just wanted to give an insight in to what relationship is like between two people that may have aspergers.

In my previous relationships I found my boyfriends suffocating because they thwarted in my mind the plans I had. I admit to being totally inflexible. I hated how they did things spontaneously, it made me stressed.

DH and I have have never sent each other a text msg unless there is a specific request or information needed to be given. If I had to deal with someone sending me irrelevant things it would drive me to distraction.

I'm aware this is making me sound quite joyless but we do indeed laugh a lot and talk about a lot of things though it's mainly fact based. We are amazing at pub quizzes:)

Ime, the degree of HFA behaviours are impacted by the childhood nurturing or lack of it. That's interesting @lifebegins50. I wonder if there's any research to support this.

Anecdotally, DS2 is very affectionate and very considerate of other people's needs. He'll be the first in the family to offer to help me in the kitchen, or will even pull out the vacuum and hoover the stairs unasked (not often, but also not because of any tension or any desire to get a favour, just because.) And he gives and needs the best hugs. We are a very warm family emotionally, so he has grown up with a lot of behaviour that probably masks or even undoes certain ASD tendencies. But as lots of people have said and it's important to keep saying, no two ASD personalities are any more alike than two NT characters.

I hated how they did things spontaneously, it made me stressed. Spontaneity is definitely something that vanished from my life for years. I really missed it so have started to reinstate it. DH twitches a bit if I go out for a walk without plenty of warning, especially in the evening. He likes the whole brood settled in for the night. But it's getting better. He even invited some of my friends to join us for a drink the other day when he bumped into them on the way to the pub. That sort of thing is very rare and lovely in my life.

Does anyone else's partner have stimming behaviours? If so, what are they? Mine rubs his hands together when he's stressed/excited (again, usually when the football is on!) and does this thing where he wiggles his fingers together and makes a high pitched chuckle. It's hard to explain. I'm only speculating this is stimming as he's not diagnosed but I've never known anyone else do this. He won't do it in front of anyone else so he obviously knows it's strange behaviour.