Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

Ford I think many of us on this thread did not know that we were entering a relationship with someone with ASD - it did not show until much later. The fact that you know, and from your posts it reads as if you understand yourself well, puts you in a different position from others who may not have that insight. My relationship with my now ex-DH has improved since he accepted he likely has Asperger's and he is chasing a diagnosis, because we now have an explanation, he can tap into resources that will help him, and crucially our child has become more forgiving because she now understands the difficulties he has - that it's not voluntary on his part. While my experience is limited to this relationship where the diagnosis comes late, after many grievances on both sides, I wonder if relationship experiences can be more positive where the individuals concerned enter a relationship knowing from the outset?

But why shut down THIS thread which is for support for partners/family of ASC people? Why not start your own thread if you are unhappy? Why come on here and seek to make your views prevail, which is yet more of exactly what we are talking about on this thread and discussing that this is exactly what our ASC partners/family members do?

I hope OP returns soon so there's space to link to a new thread! I'm not posting again until there's a link...
Feels good to not be alone in this. Thanks fellow posters!

FordPrefect42
No one can predict the future and I believe there are lots of people out there who believe they will never have love or a family. If you focus on these negative views you may end up being closed off to possibilities should they arise.

There is no normal, it's a concept that doesn't exist, no two people on the planet are so a like, for there to be a 'normal' it would have to mean that the majority of the human race all met the same criteria.

If people in and around your life are currently treating you poorly, they are not your people. They do not reflect your ability to find the person for you because they aren't that person. Don't seek to align yourself with others, embrace yourself, you want to be 'you' when that person crosses your path. Don't try to put your mind to being a certain way, that is one of the factors that have led some of us here.

You seem to like statistics and facts, have you done the maths/probabilities of meeting someone that will love you and be happy to take you as you are? There are 7.6 Billion people in the world, and you only need 1.

@FordPrefect42
I agree with others, you Havel a diagnosis, you know your needs in a relationship, just like any other person.
That’s the main disconnect that you’re reading about on here, is that the people that have gone into a relationship not knowing their partner has aspergers have felt like they’re going mad, felt secretly depressed about not knowing what they were doing wrong for the other person not to love them properly etc etc.

The people who are in a relationship where everything is known and out there from the get go, have a much more positive experience, there was a lady upthread who was in a great relationship with her husband and they were both a different levels of the spectrum, but they could understand each other.

Most people on here struggle that their partner could “pretend” or mirror being loving and empathetic and romantic in the early days but then that all falls away.

So I think you’ll be totally fine! It’s hard for anyone to find someone, you’ve got to put the work in and try and meet like minded people and I have no doubt you’ll be happy!

OH AND FYI
anyone can start a new thread it doesn’t have to be the op.

How is this for a title and opening post? We need to leave room to post links to the new thread. Will it pass, do you think?

"Married to someone with Aspergers? Support group here!"

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Sounds great pickle! :)

Ford I have DS1 diagnosed and DW undisguised and in denial.

Please don't try to be normal. As has been said there is no normal anyway, but AS is very different. Also don't try to find fault, DW does this and it is infuriating, sometimes things are just the way they are.

Just be yourself but try, and I know it's hard, to be open and honest and try understand the needs of your partner.

Also some of what you're feeling really is normal, so you're not that different after all?

I hope your post are not going o be deleted Ford because they are very honest and enlightening too.

Re relationship. From my own experience, it can be hard to find someone you are really compatible with. NT or ASC. And whether it is friendship or partnership.
From annecdotal evidence, I’ve seen people on the spectrum been happy in a relationship. A good friend of mine has self diagnosed, is married with two dcs. One of them is on the spectrum too and diagnosed. When I met her, I had no idea about autism and what it meant. And I never thought there was anything different about her. Her DH is a pretty normal bloke albeit a bit close lipped.
Another friend of mine has just been diagnosed with PDA and again, now that she has had her diagnosis, it makes sense of some of her reactions (her need to put things ‘right’ and her inability to let go until she feels things have been sorted is quite interesting for example) but she is still a good friend. And she has a circle of people around her despite the MH problems she also has (mostly coming from her childhood btw, not the ASC).

I suspect H would say something similar than you about how things are for him. I remember him telling me years ago that ‘he just had to get used to do things on his own’ which broke my heart at the time.

What I’ve learnt from my own failing relationship is that we are basically looking for very different things in our relationship. I thought I could get some of my needs met outside but it hasn’t worked.
H is happiest since I’ve back down a hell of a lot. I can even see him being nice and wanting to be supportive (but not quite managing).
For me, it feels like we are housemates and nothing more which I hate.
But this is ME. Other people, who will be NT, will take a very different approach to relationship.

What has worked for my H is to find people interested in the same ‘special interest’ than him. That’s his way to forge friendship (we used to share that btw, until I had the dcs and then got ill). Maybe that would be a way forward for you too??

One of my posts appears to have been deleted but the others have stayed. I apologise for what I said.

I just feel as if I stand out too much from other people, you know? Sure everybody else (I’m talking about NTs here) has qualities that make them stand out, but they tend to be embraced.

Yeah there are 7.6 billion people in the world, but also statistically I won’t even meet 3/4 of them.

I’m off to uni soon, so hopefully I’ll get the chance to meet like-minded people. I do hope I make more friends.

Thanks for your comments everyone - too many people to remember all your names and tag you! - but yeah. Thanks, I do appreciate those of you who took the time to reply. 🙂 It has made me realise that I should try to be more content with who I am and try to find the right person - maybe at uni, who knows eh?

We all loved our quirky partners! We just didn't have the skills and information we needed to understand manage the relationship! On both sides!

@picklemepopcorn that’s understandable. I asked for my old posts to be deleted last night having realised they probably weren’t in the best interests of people on this thread but I now know one of them was reported so I sincerely apologise for my comments.

Ok, I started a new thread. I hope OP doesn't mind, but it would be a shame if we all stopped talking because we are afraid of running out of space! Let's see if this works.

Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here

If people disagree with the wording, we can ask MN to edit it.

OK. I’ll cease from commenting now.

for everyone here whether they are in a relationship with someone like myself, or if you replied to one of my old messages/were supportive in some way. 🙂

I’m pretty sure this applies to me
DC have ASC
I was DH special interest
Then after kids marriage problems he couldn’t cope and has walked to a new woman, the new special interest it’s hard
Will look out for new thread

Hello Everyone. This is my first ever post on this site so sorry if I inadvertently do anything wrong!

@FordPrefect42 You don’t have to reply as I can see you’ve decided to stop commenting, but I just wanted to say that It’s also worth remembering that there are not only two types of people in the world, ‘autistic’ and ‘neurotypical,’ and these are not your only two options for a partner. I think autistic people can often have good relationships with people with mental health issues or other neurological conditions like ADHD, for example. I’m not saying you should settle for someone who is completely unstable or whatever, but I am autistic(and have ADHD too) and my partner has mental health issues, and while I’m not saying our relationship is perfect, we have a good relationship and I know he doesn’t feel unhappy or unloved like some of the people on this thread do in their relationships. We both often feel like we have to put on a front and pretend to be ‘normal’ for other people, albeit for completely different reasons and in different ways, but we are each other’s ‘home’ and place where we can just completely be ourselves. Oh, and I met him at university

Here's the link to the new thread. I hope everyone finds us!

Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here

Ford I get that you are quite young. (Well compare to me who is near 50 now!)

When I was at your age, i found it hard to relate to people. I had friends but not very close friends.
All that came later. At Uni where I met people coming from other places, with different types of interests. When I started to doing other stuff and meeting people that were much more on my wavelength.
And I am as NT as you can be, high EQ etc...

My oldest child is the same. At 15yo he has friends but not close friends and he is struggling to feel like he ‘fits in’ (different maturity level, different sort of interest, being ‘nerdy’ etc....). I know he will find his feet once he is at Uni.
He is also very NT, unlike his dbro.

You are very self aware that’s a great starting point! And I’m sure you will find people you can relate too. My advice would be to try different things, new things, as hard it is to do so (incl for me btw). That’s how I found my ‘tribe’, people who are on a similar wavelength (I can get them, they can get me iyswim).

Wish you the best!

Thank you @Grendel90 - I’ll respond to you just quickly as I’m aware another thread has opened.

I guess you could argue people with ADHD/another specific difference/MH issues are “neurodiverse” too? I’m glad to hear your relationship is working out and it is nice to hear a positive experience on this thread 🙂 I guess it would help for me, to look for somebody who would be understanding of why I am the way I am - and for those of us who do have issues with putting ourselves in other people’s shoes, looking back at our own personal experiences and applying them to the situation in question can help.

A lot of people have suggested to me irl that I’ll probably find my people at university, I hope that’s the case!

Once again thanks for your message 🙂

Grendel I agree.
There is a vast variation in people.

For me the issue is not the ASC with H. It’s the decrepency between what I want from a relationhsip and he wants out of it.
It’s the difference between the emotional involvement I need and the one he wants (and can cope with) .

That’s why it clashes imo. And why it hurts too.
I suspect that, if he had a diagnosis and was able to have the self awareness I see in my friend in the spectrum (or Ford for that matter), there wouod have been less problems. It might even have worked out for us, you knows....

@HermioneGoesBackHome love the username btw 😃 yeah I’m 18 years old at the moment, 50 is not that old considering our life expectancies are on the increase! I was diagnosed quite early (I did an AMA recently, shameless plug lol but if you’d like to know a little more about me feel free to stalk my profile!) and I am aware of the fact many of your SOs weren’t diagnosed until late. Seems to be the case especially with those who have learned to mask. I can’t say I find it easy to mask my difficulties and from experience people tend to guess that I am different or unusual after just a few conversations.

Once again as per my PP hopefully I’ll find my tribe at uni too - glad to hear you found yours 🙂 I do think secondary school can be really challenging in terms of friendship groups. All the best for your DS as well, I think he sounds a bit like me 🙂

Thank you very much! I think it does help that I’m aware of the issues I face and that I am able to articulate them. I do have quite narrow interests - hour-long conversation about registration plates, anyone? 😂 - but I shall definitely give that a go. Thank you once again 🙂

Ford, enjoy uni, I’m sure you’ll find your tribe or some of them. It’s so blessedly different from school.