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Relationships

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Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

995 replies

theboxofdelights · 17/06/2018 21:20

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here Sad and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

OP posts:
FordPrefect42 · 03/08/2018 13:05

Thank you @OrlandaFuriosa 🙂

earlgreymarl · 18/08/2018 21:13

Hello how is everyone?... Reprieve of about 3 weeks here but here I am back again.

ChangerOfNameAspieThread · 18/08/2018 21:20

Scroll up to pickle's post - link to new thread!

earlgreymarl · 19/08/2018 11:29

Thanks @changerofnameaspiethread

midcenturylegs · 11/09/2018 14:27

Hi boxofdelights and taffydog. Realise I'm picking up an old thread but wanted to find out how you've both gotten on?
I'm 2 months in to having left my Aspie partner. Still feel jaded and insecure and spaced out. Just hoping it will get better soon...

AncientHeart · 24/10/2018 19:29

My heart is beating faster just at the thought of posting.

I divorced my H mid 1970s; the grounds were 'unreasonable behaviour'. I knew less than nothing about Asperger's so I didn't suspect it. No internet, no google. I viewed him as an unmitigated bastard and had wished him dead many times.
Things started falling into place about 12 years ago. I spoke to our children and they believe he's on the spectrum. So does he, according to them (he and I don't interact).
He's 90 (20 years my senior) so there'll be no diagnosis and social skills classes.
A really low point for me was when I was speaking to my psychologist (anxiety and depression - ha!) and I recounted something he'd said to our daughter. What he'd referenced was true but not something any child needs to hear about their parents' marriage. Our poor daughter was in bits and crying.
The psychologist didn't believe me! She said, and I quote, "I don't believe any father would say that to his child, and I think that what we should be discussing is why you feel the need to tell me he did."
I went quiet for a while and then I told her that she was a disgrace to her profession and should go back and retrain. That some people are nasty and say cruel, vicious things, and how had she lived so long and done the training she'd done without knowing that?
I didn't go back to her, or any other psychologist or counsellor, because I thought/knew I wouldn't be believed.
I'm a bit tired. I thought writing this would be cathartic. It hasn't been, but it's a start. Going further would seriously upset my equilibrium, and I'm not sure I can.

Bluebellforest1 · 24/10/2018 21:20

Hello ancient heart, this is an old thread, the new one is here. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here

I think that sometimes when you write stuff down, the stark reality can be shocking.

Hope to see you on the new thread.
There are lots of us, young and not so young.

Aishaspells · 24/10/2018 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AncientHeart · 25/10/2018 23:01

Aspie exH, divorced 40 odd years. My daughter and granddaughter live with him, so I do this "hello Sam, goodbye Sam.'
I am relentlessly cordial - him, not so much.
I spent so many, many years thinking it was my fault - if I could find the right words, the right phrase, he would 'get it'.
I was very young. I knew nothing.
I feel that my early adult life with him was a silent shriek.
I wasted years thinking that 'something' I could provide would make a difference. Of course, it never did, because it couldn't.

beanaseireann · 26/10/2018 16:14

Oh AncientHeart. I couldn't just read and run.
It's great to get support from others on Mumsnet.
Did he manage to conceal the Asperger's from you in the early days of your relationship ?

Moffa · 28/10/2018 20:28

@ancientheart come and join the new thread (linked above) . I would love to hear your story & get the advice you would give your younger self xx

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 28/10/2018 20:48

I could have written your OP. And reading the linked article was like reading about my own life.

friendlygal79 · 07/01/2019 21:35

Hi
I read your post and it made me tearful because I am and have been going through this for decades. Are you divorced now? How are you now?

Bluebellforest1 · 08/01/2019 09:07

Hi friendly gal, we’ve moved onto a new thread now, come and join us.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

friendlygal79 · 09/01/2019 06:07

Hi
I’m unsure if this thread is closed but I have read with interest. I would really like to talk to women who have a partner/husband with Asperger’s syndrome? I am really struggling at the moment and finding difficulty in keeping my marriage together due to the feeling of so much rejection , neglect and emotional deprivation. I have tried the talking/explaining etc but nothing resonates with him. If I tell him how I’m feeling he tells me something about him. I told him yesterday that I am feeling more and more lonely to which he replied ‘ I just want a peaceful life’. Things are unbearable and I can honestly say that in 38 years I have tried absolutely everything to make my marriage work. I feel so empty and worn out with the effort I put into our relationship only to be ignored most of the time. I literally feel that I do not exist! That everything in the world is so much more important than me. He constantly tantrums like a child and barges off either to another room where he can stay there with his anger for hours and hours. On my birthday we had a small difference of opinion and he barged upstairs where he stayed for 16 hours! Did the same in Boxing Day. My confidence has gradually gone to the extent that I now have none at all. He is not a horrible person and believe me I have recognised his difficulties for years and years and attempted to help him with everything but he turns every situation around and denies he has anything wrong with him and the problem is all mine. He says I am horrible and mental. Sorry for the rant but could really do with a chat

misskiki69 · 09/01/2019 06:27

Hi @friendlygal79 see the link below. This thread is not used anymore but the new one will be useful to you.

friendlygal79 · 09/01/2019 06:38

Thank you
Do you know how I could move my post accords without writing it all again please?

misskiki69 · 09/01/2019 07:05

Copy and paste it. Xx

Sakhi · 20/04/2019 09:08

I was just starting to think if my 58 year old husband had something like that. My story is much like yours. He’s abnormally workaholic. I’ve had cancer scares, operations etc. He actually said “wish you hadn’t told me”. He’s very pleasant to work colleagues but I realise that he’s very awkward about it too. He worked away for 20 years saying “it’s normal. Why are you complaining”. For last 2 years he’s more or less living at home. It’s bloody hard. He sees, hears, feels nothing except mobile, tv & Ipad. He’s now an embarrassment in company because of that. I’d feel sorry for him if he hadn’t spent a lifetime destroying & blaming me for everything.

beanaseireann · 20/04/2019 10:42

Can you leave him Sakhi ?

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