Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

Iborgia, is he diagnosed? For DH, doing the AS quiz and scoring higher than the DS we suspected of ASD was an eye opener. Coupled with watching a drama where the lead was clearly considered 'odd' by the other characters but who made perfect sense to DH, he gained so much insight into his own thought patterns. It's helped him be a bit more relaxed about things that used to cause him stress. It's helped me realise that it isn't that he doesn't care.

It hasn't magically resolved other intimacy issues, but may have if we'd realised earlier.

Mine was also desperate to fix things, because I'd already threatened to leave over incidents like walking six yards ahead of me whenever we went out and him never spending money unless absolutely ESSENTIAL, so if we went out for a coffee he'd look at the pricelist and say (verbatim 'HOW much? What a bunch of robbing cunts.' very loudly in the coffee shop, so if I wanted a coffee out, I had to pay.

Trouble is, he can be as desperate as he likes, but because he just doesn't understand why anybody should want to be cuddled before sex or hugged afterwards, it's pretty unfixable.

Oh that's so familiar! No matter how fast I walked, I could never catch up! He's better trained now, and if he keeps speeding up I grab onto his arm.

We had a nice family birthday meal in a pub. While the rest of us talked about how it would be worth going back for the chips alone, DH kept muttering 'expensive beer though'. He's never had a drink when we are out. He'll buy me a coffee, and share a slice of cake, but pay more than £1 for a cup of tea? Never!

The walking thing really bothered me. He was totally incapable of walking beside me. I used to walk behind him struggling to keep up. No matter how often I asked him to slow down he’d rush ahead. No companionably walking side by side. I eventually stopped trying and let him off. He had no sense of direction and would often be rushing the wrong direction. I just continued on my journey as if I was alone, eventually he slowed down to be nearer to me when I stopped shouting directions at him.

No he hasn't pickle. At the moment it's about being "just like his father", and about him seeing cruel, but he gets really upset by it all... swears he isn't doing it on purpose. But terrible timing right now, but I'll broach it in a couple of weeks. I honestly don't know how he would react, I don't want him to feel I'm trying to make him... something? Or indeed for him to think it excuses everything. I don't think he would, but who knows. This throws everything up in the air.

@picklemepopcorn - which drama, out of interest?

Oh my life!! I had never thought our intimacy issues were because of his possible ASD! There was literally no affection between ex-h and I. Unless I initiated sex it didn't happen. I remember one holiday in France when he said "the novelty wears off when it's every day of the holiday! It's not ice creams you know!"

That’s a classic, JWB! I’ll have to remember that.

This drama, on ITV. Short but sweet.

www.imdb.com/title/tt3585270/

Chasing shadows

My H has aspergers, although no official diagnosis. It's v hard and lonely for me. I may as well be a single parent. There is v v little - if any- communication from him . No empathy, sex is as another poster said very much grab a boob and shove it in type of thing. Makes me feel cheap. There's no intimacy from him, no 'are you ok'. I tell him I have a Drs appt but he doesn't ask what it's for. I'm at the end of it all now, totally had enough.

Peach

I have been married for 25 years, to a man with undiagnosed HFA. He would like a diagnosis, but two GPS have refused to fund it as he is ‘successful in life’.

He is kind (in his own way) funny, gentle, a good father, but a terrible husband. No sex, affection, small talk. (Fuck off Daily Mail - don’t take another post of mine) . He is so useless about the house, with cars, he is almost dangerous, and he takes twice as long as anyone else to do anything, 20 minutes to iron one shirt!
We married late, and I feel used, he wanted to be a father, had sex sufficiently to produce the required children and then stopped, completely changed.
I recently had a fantastic project, which had the potential to improve the finances of our family dramatically and I couldn’t find the final £10k to fund it. I had to go cap in hand to my Mum and MIL. Three months later I found he had an account that had that sum many times over, when questioned he said ‘but you couldn’t use that as it is set aside for my pension’. He literally couldn’t see that he nearly jeopodised a project that would give him a far better old age than a sum of money stuck in a deposit account.
He once stopped speaking to me for over 6 months and only started again when the DCs got so upset they begged him to communicate. Friendships have dwindled over the years, as he doesn’t like to socialise. I am so different to how I used to be. I am tired, frazzled and have an underlying anger.

I have been on the point of leaving several times over the years, but stayed for the DCs.
I now feel too old to worry. I will try to find my own way in life. I think that we will be like companions, friends who live in the same house, because it makes financial sense.

It's hard not to be angry with husbands like these.

However, it is unintentional on their part, they simply cannot process the problem. DH has accepted a sexless marriage as he has decided I'm 'Just not keen on that sort of thing'. Well, no, not the way we do it, and he can't understand the difference.

We are however rock solid in our priorities and family life. I've never worried about him messing me around.

You have to develop a very strong independent life. I actually learned how to go my own way by watching him. It isn't at all what I expected marriage to be, but it works.

When we approached GP for diagnosis, he sent us away with a leaflet to self refer for counselling. It had taken years for DH to decide to go to GP. He certainly wasn't going to ring a counselling helpline.

I'm in a similar position to pickle although we don't live together. The way he has sex puts me off totally. Technically he's very good, but more concerned with stains on the sheets than me feeling secure. I'm very fond of him and he's excellent with my kids (all grown up and left home, so get on with him like friends), and any attempt on my part to break up will hurt him so horribly. But I CANNOT get him to see that his behaviour is wrong! Something in him says 'I do it, so it MUST BE RIGHT' and his inability to see any other person's opinion is very limiting.

He's not highly intelligent or highly successful. Very blue-collar and, for want of a better word 'chavvy' in his outlook. Racist, sexist and homophobic, because he can't put himself in any other person's place, which is also upsetting. Most upsetting is that he presented as NT for a long time (I just thought he was 'rough around the edges'. He's not). My DD (the one undergoing assessment for ASD at the moment) presents very very differently and would die rather than hurt anyone's feelings.

But a diagnosis doesn’t really change anything.

Following with great interest.

"'I do it, so it MUST BE RIGHT"

Oh yes! He doesn't quite understand that things matter, unless they matter to him. So things that matter to me aren't really important.

My DS1 is a different kettle of fish. Couldn't find his way out of a paper bag (thank goodness for google map on his phone) but can remember the plot of a tv series we watched three years ago.

Oh this thread is so helpful! I've been reading some of the sites mentioned and so much more is becoming clear to me.

I know he can't help it. I know he can't change. And that is what is most upsetting, the fact that he his lack of Theory of Mind means that I almost don't exist as a separate entity. That is behaviour isn't 'just' thoughtlessness but a complete lack of thought.

He hugged me when my old dog was pts. I thought it was empathy. It was him thinking how he'd feel when his old dog was pts (which she was, a few months later). When my mum died he really didn't say or do much at all. Because he can't imagine how it will feel for HIMSELF.

I don't know what to say to him. I really don't. I like him as a person, and to hang out with, but as a partner? There's no partnership. There's 'him' and 'A N Other' who just happens to be me.

For me, it was about becoming really strong in myself. That way, it's not a problem when he doesn't react as I'd like, or support me as I'd hope.

Has anyone found strategies to overcome the absolute crappness at risk assessment for the kids? I feel like I live in a constant state of vigilance because he can't consistently recognise what's important/dangerous. He was in a hurry this morning and left the dogs Tramadol tablets where DS age 1 got them. It feels pointless and patronising when I then have to say to him "you must put these back in the high cupboard every time, even if you're busy or it makes us late".

@SoaringSwallow I just saw your post now. For some reason, I didn't get the email notification. I totally know what you mean. No-one ever knows the day to day reality of people's relationships. The point I was trying to make is that people with HFA vary hugely, just as we all do. I lived with the two people I described & saw very close up for many many years just how different they were to live with/be around/communicate with etc. All the best.

@Peachsnowpop that sounds very tough.

I wonder have you ever seen the movie Adam? I thought it was a good depiction of a relationship with someone with Aspergers, even though it was a budding relationship. Some of the similarities between Adam & a person I lived with who has HFA were just uncanny.

Oh wow, it is such a relief and comfort to realise I'm not the only one going through this! Almost everything resonates with my experience on being married for 17 years to a man who is kind and gentle..... but after years of therapy we still have no emotional connection, no intimacy, and no sense of 'us', it's all about him and his perspective. When the therapist said she thought he had Aspergers I went into denial, but I now see it explains everything. He won't try to get a formal diagnosis - and I have now left him. It is such a relief, but it is not an easy decision as no one else really understands. He is so good at masking in social situations, and covering up by drinking to excess that others don't see the reality. Thank you to everyone who has shared their experience here as it feels very lonely in RL

Chickens, I don't have quite that kind of problem. He knew the 'childproofing rules' and so followed them. Could you try going round the house together childproofing, and talking about the rules?

My problem was leaving him when the children were ill. I was afraid he wouldn't recognise a deterioration or know when to call an ambulance. He's inclined to under react to illness. He likes to shut himself away and be left alone. That doesn't work with kids!

@picklemepopcorn He knows the rules but this morning he was in a rush and then being on time trumps safety somehow for him. Because he himself can't see the inherent risk. He just says "well I can't be perfect". Everyone makes mistakes it's his inability to understand how dire the consequences could be that's alarming. Unless he's seen the harm happen himself there is no real chance of harm.

There must be coping strategies for parents who are HFA. I just don't know where to go to look for them. I'm so sick of being the watchdog parent all the time. He is such a kind and gentle man most of the time. I look barking mad to the rest of the world.