Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

This has been a really eye-opening thread, thank you. I'm not sure what's going on with my husband but we are having a real low at the moment. The big one is the total and abject refusal to accept my feelings are valid or in anyway his responsibility or down to his behaviour. He seems unable to work as a team or consider others feelings or needs. We had a big misunderstanding, sexually, this week which has left me wondering how on Earth he can fail to hear me or notice my body language. He is, of course, defending his behaviour and I am feeling violated. Many of the traits and frustrations people have mentioned on here are relevant to us. Sometimes I have no idea why I choose to stay. Communication has broken down completely.

Hmm. We're pretty sure DH has Aspergers - DS has been diagnosed and DH certainly has lots of traits as does his father.

However I don't see my DH in that article at all. In fact I find it pretty upsetting especially having a son who is autistic.

DH is very affectionate (much more so than I am!) and loving. Our sex life is great. He does have his obsessions and they are expensive and yes they do my head in! But I am also in great admiration of his dedication to learning new things and becoming an expert in them. He is highly intelligent and has done very well in his career. For a while it took over our lives and it was difficult but he saw that and has now moved to something less all-consuming. His eating issues have been tricky but to be honest I'm just used to it now. He cooks his own meals and we always go somewhere that he can eat something (his diet is very limited) and if not he will just sit and watch us eat. He found having young children hard - the noise and their illogical behaviour in particular - but he tried his best. Socially he is getting better and better. He probably has more friends than me (although they tend to be people he shares an obsession with/works with etc). He can go on too much about his obsessions with my friends but I tend to give him "the look" when he is boring them and doesn't realise . His relationship with our DS can be difficult which is ironic as they are similar but DS is not affectionate and DH finds that hard.

Anyway just to say like anyone on the spectrum they are not all the same.

Just placemarking to read later. This describes my ex husband to a T. I have long suspected he has ASD but he won't go and get assessed.

Oh yes, and the food thing! Won't eat anything with eggs in, cheese, cream, won't drink milk or eat green veg (although salad is fine apparently). Won't eat lamb, pork is 'too fatty', two meats together (like chicken and bacon), anything remotely 'creamy'. Rice pudding has to be in tins. Orange juice can't have 'bits'. Won't eat McDonalds or any other Fast Food, pizza, mince, yoghurt (except Ski Black Cherry), any meat that's not cooked until it's black.

I'm the worst person to be with, because I'm quite poor and will, in consequence, eat absolutely anything. His fussiness just makes me angry, even though I know he can't help it. There are literally no ready meals he will eat, everything has to be cooked from scratch - but he can't cook, just heat things up. Oh yes, and if he's given pie, he eats the pastry on top but leaves the bottom. And cuts ALL the fat off meat, it's like watching surgery!

Mine will thankfully eat most things but his mother suffers no fools and I think she broke him of the picky eating business quite early and not in a nice way. But she got the job done.

I think it's interesting point around resource/money as well. We only cope because DH is a high earner and therefore I can outsource lots of things to take the pressure off. If I couldn't I don't think we'd still be married.

There are things that drive me crazy. He cannot use s knife and fork, his mother used to cut his meat for him until he was 30 and married. He masked this by ordering foods that didn’t require cutting, burgers, soups etc. I have spent many hours trying to teach my dd how to use cutlery and I will not TOLERATE her being unable to use cutlery. He doesn’t understand this at all. It never did him any harm, ha ha ha. I suppose I don’t want to hate her like I hate him, is the real reason.

I'm finding some of this very weird to read. DS2 cannot use a knife and fork. Just...can't. I have encouraged, practised, shown him, picked him up on it for 15 years. I worry that when he's in some formal situation people will think he's a slob.

And DH is very very burglar conscious. Though to be fair to him, he had a traumatic burglary in early life, so I've always assumed that accounts for it. But the OCD checking every door and window is locked before leaving the house is frustrating.

@Slanetylor I understand why you sya you can't be in a good relationship without being intuitive about feelings, but you can. You can if your ASD partner truly wants the best for you and has loads of ways of showing it. In the past he's paid for expensive training courses for me to pursue a chosen career. He's tracked down very rare music without even knowing its title or artist because he knows I love it and wanted it to be a surprise. He will come and collect DC or me from weird stations at odd times of night when our trains are (very frequently - like several times a chuffing week!) cancelled. He pulls his weight with housework. He birngs me a huge bouquet of flowers every Valentine's Day. He gives really thoughtful presents - like a book I'll love before I even knew it existed, or a perfume that genuinely suits me - not chosen by me etc. He's sweet and good and baffled when he gets it wrong. He gets a lot of stuff right. Look on the Relationships boards. There are loads of NT/NT relationships in absolute tatters with NT men behaving like shits. I love my DH and am glad we found each other.

It sounds like you’ve a good man. To be fair, I think my ex had his heart in the right place. Once he asked me what I’d like for Christmas. I told him exactly what I wanted, where to find it, where that section of the shop was. He got me a body cream instead ( it was cheaper but only lasted 2 weeks). I told him it was nice but a perfume would last much longer and that expensive body lotion is lovely but too expensive for how long it lasts. He told me that the perfume didn’t exist, the shop assistant had told him. He often told ridiculous lies like that. Anyway, it didn’t really matter except for the following 3 years he bought me the exact same body lotion. He then was angry when my mother bought me the perfume and I told her I loved it. Why didn’t I tell him I’d like the perfume. None of this was malicious I think. He just saw the lotion was cheaper. But gift buying was definately not his strong point. I’m not sure you can learn to buy better gifts either so count yourself lucky you’ve got a good gift getter! It does mean a lot.

MinaPaws what you describe depends entirely on the person with HFA/Aspergers. It's not impossible to have a good relationship but what you describe is as a result of your DH choosing to do those things and you finding value in them.

My DH (STBX) will buy me a big bunch of flowers. He comes in like a sweet child, happy to give them to me. Thing is, flowers mean very little to me. But for him it's like there's a line of code in there: husband gives wife flowers to make her happy. So I accept them in the understanding that he's trying to do something nice for me, and I'm appreciative of that. I also know that in his mind there's no option for "wife doesn't care for flowers". I don't get a choice in this. And that's how a lot of things have gone.

I think the better the 'theory of mind' the better the ability with gift giving. My OH has no concept of what I might think so gifts are generally practical. I can hint, stand with him in front of something and say 'oooh that's nice!' but get new tyres for the car because the thing I said was nice was expensive or 'tat' or just didn't register.

Does the phrase 'you don't need one of those,' get used a lot?

Yes my first husband, we divorced years ago. He was impossible to live with and made our lives hell.

@SoaringSwallow I know what you mean. Exactly what you mean. It will always be a bunch of flowers, always form the same florist, always on Valentine's Day. But that's him showing me he cares. And that matters. It's not the only thing that matters but it's a start. I had a vile NT ex who forgot to get me anything at all for Christmas, even though we were spending it together alone. because I was just so way down on his list of priorities.

I suppose it’s the childishness that bothered me the most. He did nothing for my first Mother’s Day. It wouldn’t occur to him. I had to teach him what occasions were important to me. And he will mark them in the same way. Mother’s Day means a card and chocolates ( that I do not like but he has decided I do and cannot be persuaded otherwise). Birthday would be a red lipstick that I hated but again it was the cheapest thing from the beauty counter so I got it every year.

Cutlery

My relative struggled as a child and adult with ordinary stainless steel cutlery. The OT recommended caring cutlery, it comes in funky colours for kids, but only the boring cream for adults. I've done everything possible to dye the handles on the adult set without success, even tried beetroot to no avail.

It has specially shaped thick handles and indents where your index finger goes, so once you hold them using the finger indent, your hands are automatically in the right place to use the knives and forks correctly. .
You can see the indents on this image www.essentialaids.com/caring-cutlery.html

I have been reading this thread for a while now and the related article linked by the OP. It has hit me like a ton of bricks and basically summed up my 15 year relationship to a tee. My husband was told at his first therapy session she thought he has Aspergers and he scored highly on a quiz she suggested he take. He attended therapy because I had left him and he promised me he would talk to someone about his lack of empathy/emotions. I had never considered Aspergers before this, I really don't know how! There are so many traits he has which have been listed here, and I have felt so emotionally neglected and lonely for so long. He is obsessed with his business, shows me no affection, sex is initiated by me (rarely nowadays) and his bedside manner is non existent. He is obsessed with cycling, running, anything that doesn't involve people. He gets angry if I change plans or if I suggest he does more than one task a day, eg, work then barbers. Never says "I love you" without me saying it first, drinks to excess socially. He chews everything, his clothes, batteries(!), plastic. Even the fast walking! I have spent 15 years jogging behind. It is like having a 4th child. I am really at my wits end and feel so ready to give t all up. I feel so guilty that it is not his fault, having only considered Aspergers very recently. I have said I am unhappy so many times, but he refused to believe he plays any part in it at all. This thread has had me in tears, the realisation that this will never change.

And oh my god the moaning about the weather! It is, apparently, far too hot for him to be expected to do anything more than the basics, because he can't bear getting sweaty! As in really really can't stand it. So at the moment he's gasping and wheezing because he can't breathe, it's so hot!

I just pointed out that this is England, it's really not that hot, and how the hell did he survive in Northern Territories for three months.

But that was 'different', apparently. Gasp, wheeze, we have to stay indoors during daylight hours because he can't cope...

Another glorious weekend blown....

Mine has a thing about heat too. He HAS to get his short hair cut shorter when the sun comes out in May because otherwise he'll be too hot. Obviously 4mm shorter hair makes all the difference.

Luckily that one doesn't affect me much!

Oh the weather. Same! We ventured out yesterday and he sulked under a tree all afternoon, even told my son to "p off" when he playfully squirted water at him It was probably a combination of the heat and the fact the place was really crowded. He is sleeping in the basement on a cushion .. he says it's the heat but he tends to prefer it down there anyway .....
I sympathise. This thread has really got me thinking.

Yes, my husband constantly complains about the heat. He refused to go to an event I wanted to go to yesterday but managed to persuade him to do something else.

He moans about getting burnt but doesn't like putting on suntan lotion. It's infuriating!

Moodily standing under a tree / shade is a speciality of his too. He can't sit because there are insects on the ground. In nature. He even tried to tell me ways the park keepers could ensure less bugs under trees!! We were eating food, outdoors, where insects live Drives me mad!

Oh YES, the insects! He can't cope with flies and I hear (endlessly) about the bites on his legs that he got from wearing shorts! Is this an ASD trait or is it a 'man' thing? I'm having to be very down to earth all the time and say things like 'yes, it's itchy but it will get better' and 'yes the flies are annoying but just ignore them' like I would to a nine year old!

Suntan lotion is a battle. I throw it at DH so he has to rub it in to get it off! He makes a HUGE fuss. But it means I've been diligent to work with my son to accept things that trigger him like suntan lotion.

Mine just keeps his clothes on. We went to the Canary Islands and he swam in his shorts and polo shirt. And his hat.

Yes, yes...it relates to rules, if they are told a rule it applies in all situations because its the rule.
We had a situation when planting new bushes and were told to water regularly...6 months later during a wet winter Ex still watering!
Gardener had not qualified with "until.." so therefore it would mean never ending watering.

The issue for me was that Ex would demand he was right and couidn't compromise or be talked around, he would just aggressively state what he had been told...some issues were not a problem but others were and this lead to resentment.

Ex rose to a senior position in work and his caused a dramatic increase in his "rightness" added to an abusive childhood he hadn't learned softer skills.
My friend has an Ex husband with ASD but is determined her ASD son learns softer skills so that he can make relationships work.

Oh my god! So true about rules! I told ex that when I’m away or at work he had to brush dd teeth before bed. When she was about 1. I didn’t realise he was still brushing her teeth when she was 7. I hadn’t said to stop.

The rules thing is interesting. I'd not thought if it as an Aspie thing before. But it makes sense. DH would complain if things weren't done his way, which turned out to be the way his mother did them. This was early in the relationship and I was furious at being told to do things like his mother. He's learned to accept that a) I'll never be his mother and b) I'm definitely never going to try to do things her way either (as lovely as she is!). There were a LOT of arguments from this.