Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

For what it is worth, I think we all mask to an extent. When we go to a job interview, when we give a presentation or speech, when we meet new people at a party.

The process of getting to know people and being intimate with them is about no longer needing to mask.

One of things I crave alot is the loving (non-sexual) adoring look that partners give to each other. I've just been watching the last episode of north and south, and it always brings me to tears. I wish DH would just look at me like that once! Has anyone experienced similar?

Picklemepopcorn - wow i could have written what you just said. 5 years on i still can't quite believe that amazing, romantic, caring, tactile man I spent 6 months getting to know is never coming back. It's heartbreaking, living with this cold stranger and trying to understand he loves me when it looks like indifference. Yes i do feel conned - like I've been mugged, taken for the vulnerable idiot i am - and angry too.
I know he can't be blamed for this crime but just that makes it harder to bear in a way - i have to take the hit and forgive him.

Hi I've name changed to comment here after spending three evenings reading through all the the messages.

I'm 30 with two dc reading this thread had been enlightening and also very sad for me. It's made me understand the way I feel about my husband who clearly has undiagnosed aspergers. The feelings of not being fully together or having a sense of us is so true, I never knew how to word it before. He also has daily objectives he likes to get done regardless of thinking about what I may want to do. I found it so sad because it made me really think if I can put up with this behaviour for ever???? I'm not so sure I can but he is a great father to the dc but now I wonder if he is so good as he thinks this is how dads behave??? I don't know???
He's very practical, loves maths has a very good job in engineering and I think he does genuinely love his family. But it just feels like there is something missing, we don't socialise much but I don't think he notices he just gets on with what he wants to do. I feel pissed off with him a lot of the time.

Thanks to everyone who has written on this thread as it made a lot of sense to me and I have taken some notes on how this affects me in my life.

Just to make it clear to hedgehog, my ex cannot care for his child, by his own admission. His disability makes him an unsafe parent because he cannot meet her basic needs of ensuring that she is safe, fed, and clothed. As we head into the teenage years we have, by mutual agreement, decided that he will step away and leave the parenting to me, due to the amount of damage he has caused her in the first ten years of her life. He cannot meet her needs because his first priority is to himself, even in times of emergency.

And, hedgehog, your claim that we "CHOOSE" to be with our partners is naive, simplistic and shows no understanding of the complex situation that many of us face. Perhaps you're making a generalisation there, that all of us a CHOOSING to be with our partners, rather than are there through circumstance with no easy way out.

*are CHOOSING

Great thread, I’m nodding away here!

HopeMumsnet,Hedgehog, it’s difficult.

The spectrum is a non linear one so of course everyone is different. But there are common traits, as pointed out by research .

The difficulty comes when we want to share. In the past we have had such criticism that we have had to go to another part of MN in the hope wouldn’t be found. And it’s partly why a MNr set up Different Together, because our lives are hard enough as it is, without incurring opprobrium from others.

And it’s a choice. Yes, it is. And I appreciate how hard it is for the AS partner. But there’s quite a lot of support for AS partners, eg through the NAS. The NaS’s level of support for NT partners is far lower than for parents. And for some of us, we choose to remain for a variety of reasons, financial, we love our partners and know how hard they work, the kids adore them and vice versa.

We may also see the advantages in AS: quite possibly at least one of the recent winners of the Field prize may be on the spectrum, all power to them whether or not.

But it can be jolly difficult to live with as an NT person, dependent on how those traits manifest themselves... And there’s little understânding or support to make things better. People need to be able to let off steam, understand what helps and what doesn’t, critically be able to understand the difference between what might be an AS reaction and what's bad behaviour .

And it’s not good if that has to be hidden for fear of criticism.

It is difficult not to make generalisations when you are talking to people who’ve had similar experiences. I wouldn’t want anyone reading my posts to feel bad though, that’s not the point of mumsnet.

I did feel pretty bad about getting a post of mine deleted where I’d made a generalisation, I don’t think I’d have done it 20 years ago before I met DH, i am exhausted by life these days and always trying to do everything too fast.

Thanks Orlando well put.

@itallmakessense loads of what you said resonates with me .

I had to delete my last post about my life with my aspergers H for fear of being outed (there's someone I suspect lurks on these boards and who would take great pleasure in outting me). We're on holiday atm and so far H has brought himself a few bits of clothes after having dragged us all around the shops in 30 degrees plus heat and he's walked on way ahead of me and
DCs then got annoyed when we'r not directly behind him, insisted we stay v v late in bars so he can drink, moaned at everything even when he had the airplane exit seat (which we paid extra for him to Have) with me and DCs sat behind him he still moaned. He's in his own world. I'll never understand and I've given up trying. I spend my life at 100 mph with him, he has to hurry us along all the time for fear of people we might be holdung up or who might be waiting behind us at airport security for eample. He can't understand waiting ur turn. I'll need my own holiday after this one, for sure !

Wishiwas17again - can you elaborate on your post 'trying to do everything too fast'. This is so me. I'm consistently one step ahead of H planning and thinking to try to avoid meltdowns and the likes. It tires me out x

Yes he’s always more tired, more stressed, more sick, more exhausted, and I’m always the one that any solutions have to come from - the times he tries to help he usually blames me making mistakes in how I do things with the dc whilst he’s helping, minimises my concerns as it makes him too anxious, or comes up with fantasy solutions where he will make drastic changes to his crazy 6 days a week work schedule and it all falls down after a week where I end up picking up the pieces at the cost of me losing more face at work and more trouble from the dc due to changes.

Our dc are both having issues at the moment so I’m especially worn down, my DH has a lot of trouble with night terrors and he’s been waking me up trying to get out of bed and so I’m very tired.

I know he’s the one having the night terrors, but I’m not allowed to be tired despite him waking me up twice at the start of the night and then my dc waking me up at 5 the last 2 days as well.

I do get that my posts come across as unsympathetic to him, the truth of it is that we are both on our knees at times but whenever I go down he’s never there to pick up any slack.

@themostinterestinglife you've got the mail on the head there

Well someone did manage to analyse my post and have it deleted, just got a nice email from HQ that i personally attacked someone.
I don't think I did. but hey ho.