Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

I just had a look. They seem to be allowed to be fairly frank there.

Hmm.

changer you have described my feelings exactly. I feel completely irrelevant to my h. It’s soul destroying. I question my sanity daily, and yet I stay, through a misplaced sense of guilt and loyalty.
This thread has been so supportive, now it’s been spoilt.

Slings I agree, such a shame how this thread had turned. For the first time in 15 years I felt like I could finally relate to others and share a space with people who understood.

Slings well nobody has pm'd me and after I wrote that it got me thinking that we shouldn't go anywhere private. I obviously wanted to too yet by doing that, we're making it harder for others to get validation.

The discussion here is very important because clearly, the vast majority (all?) of us are not generalising. Nine years ago when I was looking for info, I couldn't find any. I assumed I wasn't being fair to him (as he told me repeatedly when I asked for a hug, wanted to discuss, gently, our lack of sex life etc). If I'd read something like this, I'd have known I wasn't unfair or crazy and it would literally have changed my life.

As for anybody implying or outright saying that we're leaning on thoughts, feelings or emotions rather than facts, well they're partially right. But our world view and life involves those things, as well as facts - and we don't all stop using green and red because some people can't see those colours.

Orlanda I suspect we might have interacted before on the subject of AS/HFA (around the time Different together was created and we had to hide from the main threads).

My experience from that is that we won’t be able to make ourselves heard.

On one side we are all here saying how awful it can feel, how hurtful it is etc... when living with a partner in the spectrum.

On the other, we have people on the spectrum who are horrified to read in black and white how hard it can be. (And yes it makes uncomfortable reading I am sure). People who are set to stick to facts when we tak about feelings and emotions. People who are keen to make things right wo been able to read between the lines and see what is implicit in our posts. People who don’t/can’t see the difference between ‘they are tricking us into a relationhsip’ and ‘it FEELS LIKE they are tricking us in a relationship’.
And let’s be honest, I know I am guilty of using short cuts. After all this time, spending time thinking twice (again :() about what I am going to say and how I am going to say it feels a pain in the arse. So when ‘talking’ with people who get it, it just feel easier to remove the ‘feeling like’ and so on. Especially because, on my pov, whether it feels like let’s say emotional abuse or it is emotional abuse doesn’t be really change anything. The HURT is still the same.

Of course, this leaves the door wide open to misinterpretations, esp if people take things to the letter rather than for the intended meaning (including said implicit assumptions that no one on here has any issue with autism otherwise we would t still be with our partners).

Bottom line, i do hope that posters who have been reading but haven’t dare posting have learnt something. This is how I started to learn about autism (both in adults and within a relationhsip and for dc2). It was a starting point for me to do some research around the subject.
But we won’t get any support in the main thread on MN again.

Hedgehog seen the deleted posts (no idea what they were. Too late to the party), I’m assuming you are still reading.
So here is my comment to you.

You say that you wouldn’t dare commenting and trying to help on this thread because it feels unsafe to you.
Well thanks to all those deletions and wanting to ‘put things right’, you have made the thread unsafe for the partners of people on the spectrum to air their feelings and how hard it is for them.
This is the DIRECT result of your actions.
Because it means that we need to think about every single word (I know I do) to be sure not to hurt your feelings. And as it is, doing so is actually hurting OUR feelings. Both because we are the ones who have to put ourselves into question again and again (so yes the responsibility of doing things right is still squarely on your shoulders) and because it has made weary to post anything more personal or that would make us more vulnerable.

I wish I could see the same level of responsibility from you and any one of the spectrum as to not hurt our feelings as NT partners too.

I hope this thread doesn't get closed. I have practically cried with relief finding this, and i have ready plenty on other forums and different together, and none have been as helpful as this.

I would just like to say that i don't believe any of us are trying to say that all people that have austism or aspergers are the same in every way, or that they are bad. This has just been a place where we have shared our difficulties in our relationships, the same as in all of the other boards, people discuss their family, friends and kids, and others notice similarities and offer support to one another, but i doubt readers just assume that all people are the same.

For the parents out there; I have a really miserable marriage, but there's no doubt in my mind that my husband and others with autism/aspergers can be perfectly capable of being in a loving and good relationship. I think there are so many factors that make these type of relationships good or bad. Our specific needs are so different, for example, i need to be shown love, appreciation and be valued as a person, be helped around the house and with pet/child etc and my husband doesn't meet these needs (whether or not he feels this or is even capable of being this) but i imagine a woman that is more independent/career driven, one that thrives on being busy or challenged, one that has the same/similar interests as my husband, and one who doesn't crave the affection and support as i do, would likely have a much more successful marriage that i have. I believe there are plenty of positive factors that can mean good future relationships, people just need to find the right person, as with any relationship.

The problem here is that it seems a lot of partners here (myself included) did not see any of these behaviours at the beginning of their relationship/marriage. So a lot of us DID NOT CHOOSE this kind of relationship, we did not know what we were getting ourselves into.

I'd like to add, there is information out there on the internet and in books that i have read that support the fact that a lot of men with Aspergers go undetected until later into adulthood, and their behaviours and things that may effect a marriage/partnership are not as obvious. What makes these things more obvious, and become problems in a relationship (from what i've read) is that life events happen (having a child/moving/changing jobs, a family death/illness in partner), all kinds of events, these events bring about a new set of needs/expectations that our/my husband lack the ability to meet, such as being present in the parenting role, helping with the extra chores, expenses, physical and mental loads that are required. No one (i don't think) is suggesting that is the case with every person, nor trying to paint people on the autistic spectrum in a negative light. I don't have negative opinions about people on the spectrum, I personally am seeking help with like-minded people that could offer information/support with making my family life better, and wish to do the same for others, i do not mean to offend anyone.

Sorry Xpost with a few people as it took me so long to write my post (incl so many rewrite as not ‘upset’ you know who)

Changer there used to be a thread going on hidden on MN. But that was few years ago and I’m not aware that there is still one going on anymore. I imagine that’s the reason why you haven’t received any pm.

I also agree about how helpful it is to have those threads in the open. Helpful for people on the thread but also for those who know nothing about autism but a struggling in their relationhsip because of it (because not everyone is diagnosed even if they are well on the spectrum).
Maybe we could carry on, ignore unhelpful posts and see how it goes??

Hermionie yes, I think we should carry on regardless. The bottom line is that we all know the hurt we've suffered and while it is upsetting to be invalidate again, we have somehow sort of managed to muddle through it in RL. Unlike in RL, however, on this thread we are not isolated and alone, there are lots of us who feel the same way and have similar experiences.

The other thing maybe worth pointing out is that there are forums out there for people with Aspergers/Autism who complain about people without the condition. I cannot read them because it's like a super-concentrated version of what I live with daily. About 60 seconds sends me back to doubting my sanity (seriously). However, anybody who is reading this thread and feels the way Hedgehog did/does might feel more comfortable in one of those places. I can't remember any names, but Google will help! As I said, I can't cope with them and I'd imagine many people here couldn't either, but I respect that people have the right to think differently than me, which is why I'm putting it out there. If you're not happy here, you don't need to stay.

Yes, to carrying on regardless. This thread is an incredibly important insight into the issues that we face, and any attempts to silence or guilt trip us for speaking the issues as we see them simply provide evidence of just what we are constantly up against in our relationships.

Yes completely agree.

re picklemepopcorn, WaitRun, rebelrebel3, I completely understand this. The first 6 months of our relationship, he sent me roses, gave me gifts for a nice bath, dressing gown because i was stressed. He once bought me a book to write in because he had heard that it can be therapeutic in bad times, he gave me beautiful, unique and thoughtful gifts (its not all about gifts.) he looked at me so intensely, when i looked into his eyes i thought i was seeing the most loving and honest person on the face of the planet. He held my hand, stroked my hair, tangled himself around me in bed at night and wrote me a sonnet, A SONNET! I left my home and friends and moved to be with him. After that, and to the current day his is indifferent, sometimes i feel disliked by him, when he didn't care when i was in a great amount of physical pain, i honestly thought he hated me. He hasn't cuddled me at night for years and years. He doesn't hold my hand when we're out his "hands are too full, too hot, it's too awkward". He doesn't have any interest in me as a person, doesn't know my likes and dislikes, he treats me like dirt one day, and at best, a distance, office acquaintance. I cannot compute how these actions are of the same man. For all these years i tried to work out what i had done, and how i could get that amazing, beautiful person back.

Hi Everyone

I've got a boyfriend (after leaving a long marriage) He is diagnosed ASD. We've been seeing each other for 6 months - a long-distance relationship. I've been thinking about finishing it anyway. There is never an 'I miss you' or anything romantic. He too has no empathy for people in fact he told me if all the people in the world disappeared it wouldn't affect him. I think I got attached to him because I was a bit lonely and happy to have another relationship. But, after reading this thread, I can see that he has all the traits that are being discussed here. I think I've been kidding myself that one day he will 'get it'. Maybe we all hope for this one day, but of course it will never happen.

I am going to finish it now I think. We are both in our fifties and he obviously can't change. Not his fault - I know. He told me that he doesn't have the language to be romantic and never has been.

It's sad, but I know if I walked away from him, he wouldn't suffer like I will - so I won't get any more invested than I am, as I can't see it ever being anything more than it is now, and it's just not enough for me.

Thank all of you for your honesty and insight. It's given me the courage to do what I know I should. Rather than end up being more frustrated and upset, I'll walk away.

One thing that has resonated with me is that I have adapted to him and not said the things I want/need to say after six months as it just doesn't go anywhere - I don't want to change who I am.

Someone else started and then I ran a thread on OTBT for NT partners if ASPs. But being on OTBT it had to get refreshed every 30 days. Few people joined it and I have ME, so I stopped running it. Hence my suggestions up thread. Instead I’m v involved in Different Together, a safe space designated fir partners of ASPs, which has provided a lifeline. There are various RL meet ups. In fact there’s a London one coming up mid August.

different-together.co.uk/

imsadness what you describe is not uncommon. The excellent danish website AspergerPartner describes it well. Be warned, I sobbed.

Hermione, quite possibly. I didn’t have the energy to continue the OTBT thread and I slightly resented having to hide it, for obv reasons. I try to keep a look out occasionally for people suffering, to suggest DT as we are trying to make that a voice for people like us, a positive voice to support people in their partnerships, not just a negative one ( though I’m in a bad place at the moment, personally) and a voice to change things in the medical and counselling profession too. I couldn’t cope without the sort of stuff that was being thrown at us: a difficult partnership and getting crap was too much.

I stopped posting on this thread after I got a post deleted. It was clear that someone wants to shut the discussion down. I am worn out enough with having analyse everything I say so as not to offend someone that seems to think it is all about them when it is anything but. For me, this thread was about me, about how I feel, not about my dh because so much of my life is about him and tiptoeing around him. I don't want to have to do that here too.

Changer your post completely struck home with me too. My, now ex, dh has broken my heart multiple times, doing and saying things when I've been in the midst of despair, which has made it 100 times worse.

I also felt on many occasions that I was loosing my sanity. I was reacting to something, he had no reaction, and questioned mine. After a while I started to believe I was the one reacting wrongly . Having read through I have to say how amazing you are for managing to stick it out. But, at the same time, don't loose yourself or your sanity x.

I was reacting to something, he had no reaction, and questioned mine. After a while I started to believe I was the one reacting wrongly

YY to that!!
And his difficulty with me emoting too. So strong emotions, sadness, anger, frustration are met with facts, a blank face or no answer.
I ended up thinking I was wrong too, was overreacting and actually neariybthiught I was becoming abusive to be shouting and loosing my temper so much.
Good thing, I’ve learnt to not react as much and step back. I’m actually quite good at that now.
Bad thing, the stress I ended up under because I felt I could never raise any issue (as he was/is never tasing any issue at all - at least directly) made me ill.

Aloe please hang in there with us.
We’ll be there to support you too.
And ignore the posts that aren’t ‘supportive’. Not worth it.

Frenchlady, good call! I have been married for 25yrs. For the first 18 or so, I assumed we could work on things later- when the kids were older, when he was less stressed at work, when we retire. Things have got better, but when we realised 5 yrs ago that he almost certainly has ASD, I realised it was never going to change in the way I wanted. However, I've invested too much now!

I do think we should carry on here. We need to carve out a space where we can support each other. I think it's important to try and stay positive, both for ourselves and the parents of ASD children and adults with ASD. But that shouldn't mean we can't express our feelings freely.

I would suggest we plough on, repeating ourselves as necessary.

I'm trying to imagine anyone else being told they can't speak freely about their relationships. Parents of disabled children, or mothers of young babies, transwidows, relatives of hoarders, all get to vent without judgement.

For those who aren't up for a fight on here, let the rest of us take the heat! Lurk until things calm down then come back.

Op here. - been away for a few days all I can say is what a bloody shame.

Not remotely helpful moderators.

Made me I'll too hermione hope you're doing ok now.

Ill