Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

imsadness yes yes!

Mine sent me beautiful roses for Valentines to work, bought me books of poetry and sonnets, bought me an engagement ring, told me how much he loved me. I was, I realise now, his special interest for a while, and for a 45 year old divorcee with 3 teenage boys it felt good, certainly boosted my self esteem.
It was all good while we were long distance and seeing each other every couple of weeks, once he moved in with me, and we married, and he had the reality of both working full time, living with my teenage/adult boys, with his kids visiting monthly, the nice stuff stopped and the gaslighting, verbal abuse, denying and dismissing of my feelings began. And has continued.
Trouble is, once you’ve got into this sort of relationship, it’s difficult to get out.

I too was deleted - and felt pretty awful about it - and I posted about ASD and parenting. NOT that parents with ASD can't parent - my dh is generally calmer and better at it than me a lot of the time - but that, given my knowledge about attachment and the importance of emotional attunement, any parent who struggles in this area themselves would likely have an impact on THIS ASPECT of their parenting. Research into the impact of depressed mothers on their infants emotional development would support this hypothesis. And as there is almost NO research into the impact on children of having a parent with ASD, it clearly remains a hypothesis. I had PND and I struggle a lot with the ongoing impact this has likely had on my attachment to ds. It doesn't mean I wanted it to happen, any more than a parent with ASD might want to have an impact on their child. And I repeat, my dh is an amazing dad - just not the emotional stuff hence me feeling the kids come to me for two lots of that, which leaves me feeling pretty drained.

I wasn't going to post again but it's hard to talk to friends who don't have experience of it. I'm also the poster who had decided to split; we are getting counselling so will see if that helps. But I feel alone and like there's no reflection of me in dh's responses, if that makes sense. So I feel invisible. Like a pp said, I get no response to my displays of high emotion. Which is very invalidating - and sadly replicates childhood experiences too.

Anyway, I hope i haven't upset anyone with my words. I'm feeling pretty lost right now.

op please can you keep an eye on the thread and start a new one (with a link) when it gets near the post limit, I’d hate to lose this. for you for starting this

Misty.

Anyone watching who thinks about reporting, please just ask a question instead. If it seems to you that we are generalising with something like "people with ASD can't parent", then challenge it. Then we'll explain what we mean.

Misty i get you.
H has no idea how to read the dcs emotion. And he is showing little affection to them. At best he is ‘parenting’ aka putting Dc1 down, grumbling because he put half a teaspoon in his porridge (string disapproval look on his face!!) etc... But when asked about how and why he wants to parent? Blank, rabbit in the headlights look, he can’t say.
The way he was parenting the dcs can be summarised by a comment from Dc1 when he was about 4~5yo.
‘Daddy is going away for two weeks for work? Oh great! that will be good that he isnt here!’
And yes he said that in front of H who didn’t say a word, nor did he change the way he was dealing with Dc1 (or dc2) :(:(
In retrospect, I should have left then. At the time, I thought I could shield them or compensate for H lack of emotional involvement.

Still the same now that the dcs are teens.

Interestingly too, Dc1 made the comment recently that he doesn’t have a lot of friends because of the way ‘we’ have raised him and his dbro. When I asked what he meant, Dc1 didn’t dare going any further. But yes I ca;say we have ever given them a great example of what it means to be actually sociable...

Hermione my boys are now adults. I suspect their Dad, my first husband, has some AS traits. We didn’t socialise at all when the boys were young, and we didn’t have nearby family either. As a family we were quite insular, although I saw friends with the boys.
I now see my adult boys and their partners having friends over for BBQs, for drinks, having weekends away with friends. It’s lovely, and not what I did with their Dad, or do now with my current husband. I’m so glad they’re NT!

Yes I don’t have anyone irl I could talk to about this because it gets to be a disloyalty issue when you’ve been with someone so long.

My DH did lots of romantic things when we were first together and made a huge effort for special occasions - and when he got cross about dropping things or behaved badly he’d be abjectly sorry. These days I get ignored for days and then told he obviously didn’t mean the bad thing he said and I’m overreacting.

I do ageee I think that my DH dan only prioritise so many things and things important to me have dropped down the list. I’ve stopped asking to go out for dinner with him as I realised he hates it and all he does is rant whilst we are out about his issues.

That's interesting what you say about socialising - it'd be great if you could get your ds to elaborate though! I should just do those things then, whether or not dh wants to. It's the intuitive bit dh struggles with- I'm having to remind him a lot recently that ds isn't a toddler any more and to please stop babying him (but then ds is his obsession since birth). So I think he learns the way to do things and finds it hard to adapt those ways. Hmm.

Misty, there is now some research about the impact of having an ASD parent. I think. AspergerPartner refers to it. And there may be some refs to it on DT.

Thanks orlanda I've had a look and it seems to support my hypothesis. Mostly based on anecdotal evidence and books though and there don't seem to be any big studies that i can find.

This thread has been a life line and life changing for me too. Please don't close down the discussion. We are just sharing our own experiences I am amazed by the similar themes that are emerging. Someone should carve it out into a study with findings.

@FordPrefect42 perhaps autistic partners might find more compatibility and peace with autistic partners rather than NTs?

OP please do start another thread!

Maybe there should be something in the first post to say it's a thread for partners and as Aspergers presents differently in everybody that posters should stick to personal experiences/avoid generalising.

Also that if a reader has a problem with something that's said, they should ask (as Hermione ne ruined above) about it, not try to get it deleted.

And that it's a place where emotions are at least as welcome and valid as facts!

@FordPrefect42 I think you're generalising. Not all NT people are the same.

Just want to add support for a new thread to be started, with the additional emphasis that it is a thread for partners and we are entitled to our experiences and opinions.

Why wouldn't there be someone out there for you though? Clearly all our relationships haven't gone swimmingly. But what if we'd met people we were actually compatible with? It definitely happens.

My DH would be very happy with someone who was (had been, I'm not now) less emotionally demanding. Thing is, he didn't know he had Aspergers so he couldn't understand where there may have been a disconnect between us. Obviously I didn't know.

You're not in that situation. You know. That means either you don't look for someone, say (maybe it's different for you but I'm just using this as an example) who has higher emotional needs than you can fulfill. Or, if you meet someone who is like that and you fall in love with each other then you know, and can tell her/him, that this is an area that will need extra attention and effort in your relationship. The book I recommended up thread by Eva B Mendes would help in that.

There's often something bittersweet about getting a diagnosis of conditions: it explains things but makes the person feel officially different too. Not a nice feeling. With an Aspergers diagnosis, it can provide a framework or a base from which to compare and contrast the world to gain more understanding. It's something everybody does anyway, but with Aspergers it maybe has to be more consciously done. My DH has found that impossible to see, but I have heard of others for whom it's been really useful.

Agree with themostinteresring and PPs. I don't see why as partners we should have to be on the defensive and explaining / clarifying constantly. It's too similar to real life.

Misty, you’re right from what I can see, certainly on the NAS website. I’ll ask the DT guru as well.

Ford, Sara Hendrickx said at a seminar which I attended that AS people often seem either to be in partnership with NTs with high EQ, or other AS people. She fits the latter category. And she seems happy.

Just saying...

...and she and her husband do various sorts of counselling as well. I found her impressive, although a little too far down the NT partner must do all the work track as the ASP won’t change. But that was 4 years ago and I might be misinterpreting her.

I'm trying to think of other situations where partners would be denied any conversation about difficulties they are experiencing, if they were in a relationship with someone who had any other sort of disorder/medical issue/additional need. We have the same right to express ourselves as a person with Asperger's does, and therefore should not feel the need to defend ourselves.

Not what you were looking for, Misty, and supports your view, but interesting:

www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2017/05/autism-parenting/526989/