Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

Exactly the same has just happened to me, eight. It would be nice to have a proper explanation from MNHQ rather than a stock response. It would also be nice to question them about whether or not they think they are exposing those of us on this thread who are asking for support and help when dealing with certain behaviours in our partners, to more of the same type of behaviour in what should be a safe place for us.

I’ve been accused of personal attack too, eight and themost.

@eight and @interesting it's completely pathetic. Totally removing the safe space because of what I imagine is one person.

The last post that was deleted because I reported it was made on 24 July

So either someone else is reporting, or MN have decided by themselves that the posts should be deleted.

Please do not blame me for something I did not do.

Hi all,
We've removed some posts that are not in the spirit of this supportive and helpful topic, in the hope that things will get back on track.
I've emailed an explanation of our decision to those involved.
If you have any concerns about a post (or poster) please use the 'report' link to let us know and we'll look into it for you.
Thanks,
M.

MNHQ - are you able to give us some reassurances that the behaviour of one person is not going to wreck the safe space that many of us need from exactly the sort of behaviour that person might be displaying? I'm starting to feel bullied here, by one poster who might be acting behind the scenes in communication with MNHQ.

Strange coincidence that posts are suddenly disappearing the moment you've started posting again but will give benefit of the doubt.

The post of mine that was deleted referred to having our efforts to express our feelings and ask for support ignored and invalidated. Ironic, really.

This isn't the place for a spat. We want this topic to continue to provide a helpful and supportive place for you all. If you think that any post breaks our talk guidelines, then please report it and we'll take a look. It's best not to engage directly in the thread.

Perfectly seriously - if we feel that deletions are not in the spirit of MN and not at all helpful or supportive to those of us on the thread - to whom do we complain?

Yes I agree @themost

I'm sad to see what's happened here after having been away. So many deletions it's hard to follow the thread or to feel that is indeed the helpful and supportive place you say it is @MichaelMumsnet. I feel very inhibited to post now when every post is being scrutinised and logged. And it's not the other posters with partners with ASD traits who have made me feel that way, but MNHQ itself.

I also feel that all these deletions aren't in the spirit of the thread.

MichaelMumsnet My DH will point blank not accept any criticism that's related to Aspergers because he can't see why I'm upset, or why I'm thinking or feeling something. It doesn't mean I'm wrong. I obviously am not generalising here, only talking about my DH, but I know were he to read this thread he'd report a great many of the posts for being ableist. He'd be upset about most of it. It doesn't make anything said here wrong or ableist though.

I'm so sad that people are being shut down on this. Some of Hedgehog's responses are exactly why I didn't get divorced years ago. I thought I wasn't being fair. Had I read a thread like this, seen I wasn't just a bitch, probably my DH and I would be much happier now - either divorced or together.

I think it's worth pointing out that I feel this way, i.e. inhibited to post, even though none of my posts have been deleted. So goodness knows how some of the posters who have had posts deleted feel. I hadn't seen generalisations of people with ASD imo, just people collectively comparing or collectively referring to our particular group of partners, and personally I think doing that is a crucial part of us feeling supported.

If anyone knows of a private support group, please PM me. Thank you.

Whilst I really disagree with meta discussions on forums, I have now reported the posts from MNHQ. I do not know how else to get this matter reviewed.

I would not go as far as to say the deletions are abusive or bullying - two really, really overdone words in today's world, but this is just absolutely wrong and in the context of this thread really horribly WRONG and I want that on record.

If this cannot be kept a safe place for this discussion then where?

and

For everyone whose posts have been deleted. I haven't been on since 9.30, but didn't see anything before that which I thought broke talk guidelines.

Hang in there everyone.

I'm reluctant to suggest self policing, because we live with that every single day. However, I suppose we should consider whether our posts can be misunderstood. Is it possible to report someone for derailing, I wonder?

I asked mumsnet to clarify some questions for me! Not in an aggressive way.
Funny they had time to come on here but not to interact me with other than a stock line.
Anyway. As per some people’s wishes, clearly this thread has been derailed.
Which is fucking pathetic

Well, if we ever wanted a public exposition of how difficult it can be for the partners of Aspergers people to be heard, this is it; a perfect illustration of how we are constantly shouting into the wind.

(And note the use of the word "can" in my first line, rather than "is", in recognition of the fact that it only might be difficult for some partners rather than definitely is difficult for all partners, so as to not be accused of generalising...sigh.)

Once again, not a solution to this, but there is a forum called Different Together which was founded to support the partners of ASPs. I recommend it as a place where you can talk freely and get supported.

Would a solution to this particular issue be to have a separate subsection? Maybe in SEN, maybe in In the Club? We had a successful one until it dried up in OTBT..

You couldn't make this up!

So, the trans windows escape committee have a thread where they can be pretty bluntly spoken, I believe. I may nip across and see how they manage that.

Widows. Not windows. Probably.

If there's a private, safe place to share things I'd also really appreciate a PM.

I can honestly say that my partner's behavioural tendencies have lead me to feel utterly soul destroyed over the years. To the point where I questioned whether I actually existed. I felt I was going crazy. When the person you love so much can see you crying, hear you telling them you've been hurt by something they did and their reaction is to walk out while you're mid-sentence you do actually cease to exist. What you say, what you feel, who you are becomes irrelevant. (Maybe that's not their intention, but when it happens repeatedly over years, it's the result).

Deleting posts on a thread like this is not the same as elsewhere. Context is everything and anybody who feels similar to me can be harmed by having their words removed with no adequate explanation, in a way that is not equivalent on threads of other topics.

Similarly, posts that reduce what other posters are saying to "facts" and "stats" are highly, highly offensive to other posters. We have to suck that up though. I'd suggest @MichaelMumsnet that all posts be left, unless they are very seriously derogatory.

@picklemepopcorn interesting - I'd been wondering about that too.