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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The truth about my marriage that nobody knows

126 replies

Nokirstynophil · 15/06/2018 16:49

.......
Mine? My husband brings in less than 15% of our joint income and this has been the case for around five years (before that it was max 35% and has slowly declined)

We cover this up so well that I don't think anybody, even those close to us, would guess.

He is self employed.
I don't want this to go on any more and am looking at ending it.

What's yours?

OP posts:
Wellfuckmeinbothears · 15/06/2018 16:53

Are you ending it purely because of his contribution to your income?

AnyFucker · 15/06/2018 16:54

This is 2018

It is perfectly ok to outearn your husband. Is this the only issue in your marriage ?

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 15/06/2018 16:56

I am self employed.
My dh earns 0.
It's not an issue in our marriage.

Moominfan · 15/06/2018 16:59

I'm waiting on a drip feed

WipsGlitter · 15/06/2018 16:59

I earn just more than DH. I love reminding him about that!!

Why do you feel you have to cover it up?

HollowTalk · 15/06/2018 17:01

What are the reasons for its decline, OP?

Ohyesiam · 15/06/2018 17:01

Two things
Why do you cover it up?
Is that your reason for ending your marriage, and if so can you explain why?

CourtneyLovely · 15/06/2018 17:03

You're looking at ending your marriage because your husband earns less than you??

DownstairsMixUp · 15/06/2018 17:04

Anyone hear a tap dripping?

Original poster
Nokirstynophil · 15/06/2018 17:07

Sorry, not the only problem and not the only secret but the one that is weighing most on me today.
He has his own business but it has brought in next to nothing and has debts.
Why I cover it up? Because he wants me to. He wants everyone to think he's doing well and making money and providing for us.
He won't take a paid job and isn't interested in being a sahd.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 15/06/2018 17:07

Why would anyone ‘guess’? Why would anyone have any idea which of you brings in the most money?
There must be more to this, as you can’t possibly be ending your marriage just because you earn more than your husband...

SoyDora · 15/06/2018 17:08

X post

AnyFucker · 15/06/2018 17:09

That makes more sense

I wouldn't stick with a bloke in that situation either. Nor would I lie for him.

HollowTalk · 15/06/2018 17:13

Me neither. Bin him, OP.

What kind of business man would work for virtually nothing? Oh, one who has a wife who'll pay for everything. Nobody else would.

I imagine you'll find he'll get himself a job fast enough when he's single.

Bananalanacake · 15/06/2018 17:16

I get you. Does he have time to help out at home with housework and dc or is he working flat out on his business.

yetmorecrap · 15/06/2018 17:16

Op, dont let others comments get to you, I think it’s that the attitude behind this fact is the issue, not the actual earnings and it would be me too

lovesugarfreejelly63 · 15/06/2018 17:19

Why is it so important to him that he wants everyone to see he is doing well financially, are they more important than you?

HollowTalk · 15/06/2018 17:22

Is this a job that's more like a hobby, eg something that he'd do even if he wasn't paid for it?

DadOnIce · 15/06/2018 17:22

Imagine this swapped though. If the OP was a self-employed woman in this situation.

"I've been trying to make a success of being self-employed for years and unfortunately it hasn't worked out and I'm in debt. DH works full-time and I bring in only about 15% of what he does, if that. I don't want anyone to know that I earn so little as I want people to think I'm a successful businesswoman, and DH has been complicit with me in covering this up. He's now saying he wants to end our marriage because I am not pulling my weight financially and he won't lie for me any more."

Hmmm.

EggysMom · 15/06/2018 17:22

Is there a cultural issue here, does his culture expect him to be the breadwinner?

Or is he just a knob?

HollowTalk · 15/06/2018 17:23

DadOnIce She'd get short shrift here for saying that. It's one thing trying to start up a business but wanting to appear very successful when you're not, and not wanting to look after the kids even though it's obvious you can because you haven't got much work on, isn't on.

Original poster
Nokirstynophil · 15/06/2018 17:25

He is good with childcare and housework. I could maybe deal with this financial pressures if it was short-lived but years later, as a pp has said, I feel like my income is paying for the luxury and privilege of him working for himself (his dream).
Having said that, he wouldn't care if I left my job. We would still survive according to him because his business is just about to have its huge, amazing, incredible champagne moment anyway (been hearing this for years). Which will leave my job in the SHADE.
So I don't feel used as much as married to someone with no grasp on reality.

OP posts:
ForeverBubblegum · 15/06/2018 17:26

I can totally relate, DH is also self employed, but in reality brings is about 1/3 minimum wage. I pay all the bills, all the childcare, all the food, and end up sorting everything out at home because he's 'working'

This was fine meant to be temporary whilst the business grew, but it's been years and it just feels like I'm subsidising his hobby business. Fine for families who can afford it but our quality of life would be so much better if he'd get an employed job.

DadOnIce · 15/06/2018 17:27

I would imagine the responses would be more along the lines of "You really ought to sit down and talk through some options with your DH, think about a part-time job at least, it's not entirely fair on him", rather than, "You're a knob", or "He should bin you."

eightfacesofthemoon · 15/06/2018 17:27

He’s a cunt
Not a lot more to say than that really