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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The truth about my marriage that nobody knows

126 replies

Nokirstynophil · 15/06/2018 16:49

.......
Mine? My husband brings in less than 15% of our joint income and this has been the case for around five years (before that it was max 35% and has slowly declined)

We cover this up so well that I don't think anybody, even those close to us, would guess.

He is self employed.
I don't want this to go on any more and am looking at ending it.

What's yours?

OP posts:
melonscoffer · 15/06/2018 17:28

So stop covering it up.
Simple really.

Benandhollysmum · 15/06/2018 17:31

I know how you feel, though unlike you I can’t walk away from someone whose plunged us into debts- where was my voice when he used a credit card? Nowhere so partly to blame.
At what stage did you open your mouth when he was getting further into debt?

HollowTalk · 15/06/2018 17:33

Is he in some sort of creative role, where he's going to be discovered?

UmbrellaPlants · 15/06/2018 17:34

@dadonice I think when the op said her husband didn’t want to be a sahd it implied he wasn’t doing childcare either (I think). So the Scenario you’ve painted isn’t really accurate unless the woman was not earning, plus refusing to do childcare etc. and also pretending outwardly she was a successful businesswoman

Original poster
Nokirstynophil · 15/06/2018 17:35

No cultural issues, just UK.
I've been unhappy about this for years, so not just finding my voice now. But it's falling on deaf ears.

OP posts:
CristalTipps · 15/06/2018 17:36

because his business is just about to have its huge, amazing, incredible champagne moment anyway (been hearing this for years). Which will leave my job in the SHADE.

Yes, I heard a variation on that one too. "It's my movie, you're just appearing in it." But until Hollywood realizes what a talent he is, he continues to be a 50 year old retail assistant (35 year old retail assistant when I met him and just as groundlessly confident 15 years later.) His Mum took over subsidizing him when I stopped...

eightfacesofthemoon · 15/06/2018 17:36

Who cares whose ears it falls on!!!!????
This is your life.

Original poster
Nokirstynophil · 15/06/2018 17:36

No- not going to be discovered. It's pure business, not creative/hobby/ not even a passion really. He just thought it would be a money-maker and it hasn't been.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 15/06/2018 17:38

I would tell him you're no longer able to sustain things financially so he has a deadline or you're going to have to move on.

QuimReaper · 15/06/2018 17:39

I don't think this thread's gone the way OP planned...

melonscoffer · 15/06/2018 17:40

While you pretend to others it helps him pretend to himself that it is okay to continue with this folly.
You are the only one objecting because you are the only one who knows.
Do you want your children to grow up wondering why Dad is a waste of space constantly indulging his own needs and ignoring financial costs of giving you and them a better life.

sunshineonarainyday321 · 15/06/2018 17:41

I can relate to this, my husband was self employed up until recently. He made very little profit yet everyone seemed to think he was doing pretty well. We saved for a house together and even though I had returned to uni to do a higher degree I managed to save a huge amount for the deposit. It didn't bother me at all in terms of thinking of it as "our money" not mine and yours. The thing that did bug me though was one comment from a friend's mum "is he keeping you?" and the assumption from friends and family that he'd saved most of the house deposit. He put in 1/5th of the deposit, it was 5 years of my hard saving that actually bought that house!!

He is now employed and I'm on mat leave so I am effectively being "kept" at the moment. So the tables can turn. I'd never let money come between us though, it's our house and our money, it's just other people and their assumptions that annoy me.

melonscoffer · 15/06/2018 17:41

To answer the actual question of OP.
I don't think my marriage has a secret .

CristalTipps · 15/06/2018 17:42

I would imagine the responses would be more along the lines of "You really ought to sit down and talk through some options with your DH, think about a part-time job at least, it's not entirely fair on him", rather than, "You're a knob", or "He should bin you."

A woman would be far less likely to sabotage herself by demanding she must be seen publicly to be the family's bread winner when she isn't. I imagine few men would go along with that. It's far more common for men to pretend they are doing well while their wives silently support the family. As I said above, I used to be one of them.

HollowTalk · 15/06/2018 17:43

I've seen on lots of Dragons' Den programmes someone on the panel ask, "How much have you spent on this?" When they hear the answer, ranging from tens of thousands to literally hundreds of thousands of pounds, they just put their heads in their hands.

Can you get him to watch them with you?

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/06/2018 17:43

I think I understand why you are so upset. It’s him not giving you the status and respect you deserve. It’s about being valued as a person.

PrizeOik · 15/06/2018 17:45

@DadOnIce
You honestly think a woman saying that would get support here?? Jesus.

bubbles108 · 15/06/2018 17:46

But it's up to you to make the deaf ears hear.

Your life, your control

If you choose to allow the deaf ears to win, that's YOUR bad

melonscoffer · 15/06/2018 17:46

She asked us if we had a secret.

ALittleAubergine · 15/06/2018 17:50

Oh God, dh is currently trying to set up his own business, this might be us in a few years.

finderskeepers3 · 15/06/2018 17:51

I earn about 2x what my husband earns, possibly more. I haven't checked lately as it's not an issue. I pay for everything. I sort out all the household bills, cleaning, gardening. He is a great dad and I love him for that. Not everybody can handle the stress of a full time job and a job that pays a lot of money.
I think you are probably not very happy with your DH and annoyed already, so the money appears more of an issue. If you stop thinking about the money - do you really still love him? Do you want to be with him? I think not.

annandale · 15/06/2018 17:52

I don't think anyone except me and his parents had any idea just how ill dh was before he died. To be fair, we didn't realise how bad it was either. He put up such a front, I'm certain people thought I used his illness as an excuse sometimes.

BakerBear · 15/06/2018 17:52

There is no secret as such but dh is obsessed with earning money. So because he works constantly no one knows ....

-hes never pushed ds pram (hes 13 months)
-he has never bathed dd who is 5 and ds.
-he doesnt know how to work ds car seat (ERF one)
-he has never taken them out on his own
-he cannot work the washing machine
-he has not hoovered up or done any ironing since i met him (7 years ago)
-he has done no cleaning in 7 years
-he has never bought the kids anything (well it is his money but hes never actually picked anything for them)

However i am a SAHM (i do very occasional admin work for the company) and he earns an excellent salary however it does piss me off when people think i have this fabulous life.

supersop60 · 15/06/2018 17:53

Op - that sounds like it's hard on you.
To answer your question - everyone thinks my DP is a jolly, friendly, do-anything-for anyone type. At home, he's a grumpy, selfish git, with icky personal habits. Nobody else sees this. *sigh

Racecardriver · 15/06/2018 17:53

The reason why this has gone on so long is because you keep it a secret. If you told E eruinr he would go and get a real job.