The truth about my marriage that nobody knows

[Nokirstynophil]

.......
Mine? My husband brings in less than 15% of our joint income and this has been the case for around five years (before that it was max 35% and has slowly declined)

We cover this up so well that I don't think anybody, even those close to us, would guess.

He is self employed.
I don't want this to go on any more and am looking at ending it.

What's yours?

Milada, I wasn't aware all of this was threatening the financial security of OP's family. She describes their lifestyle as frill-free, that's all. The main thrust of the post appeared to be having to keep his secret, maintaining the lie that he was successful as the business failed. I'm just offering some perspective about the need for that lie amongst businesses, how common it is.

I don't know. Op says he's good with housework and childcare. I guess I don't see it as very much different to my friend, who has a 'bakery' business while her dh is the breadwinner. She earns peanuts, sells about a dozen cakes per month, but she loves it and it really is her passion. Her dh seems supportive, proud to support her I'd say, but after reading this I wonder whether he's secretly resentful and wishing she'd find a proper job.

I doubt your friend's husband is resentful because she isn't expecting him to pay her debts. She has not asked him to lie to others about the success of her cake baking. Her interests are not at the cost of their joint integrity.

Definitely debts and costs associated with her business. She makes a loss every month, and earns nothing.

It strikes me as being quite common to see a male breadwinning while his female spouse follows a dream, indulges a vanity project, embarks on a moneyspinning pyramid scheme.

More unusual still to see a set up like op's, where she's supporting the family and he's indulging his dream.

If op has had enough that's completely understandable. I don't blame her one bit for saying that she's done it for years and it's time to call it a day. Just feel that some of the scathing remarks would not have been levelled at a female poster on the other side of the argument.

Well he'd be justified in resenting her then. It's an expensive hobby. That's fine. It just isn't a business. Why would she call it such?! She's baking cakes for others and paying for them. That's charity!
My comments still stand for your friend.

We both work in our business and whilst successful we are not rich, we earn about the same as maybe 2 heads of English at a comp. because though we work in a glamorous industry I’m sure people think we are much better off than we are . My Hs job I’m sure some would see as a ‘hobby’ type thing but it’s very hard work. It was discussed right at the beginning how long we would give it to pay as much as he earns before and we gave it 2 years. 18 years later it’s still ongoing . I think OP it isn’t an acceptable situation unless you and he accept he’s essentially a stay at home dad with a paying part time job /hobby and he accepts that And is happy for people to know that

It saddens me that people are often only just evaluated by what they earn.

Why is it so important? The absolute truth is that when it comes to money and wealth, most of us are just wage slaves and bottom feeders.

Basic rate taxpayer? You can earn up to about £46k gross but the government take 20%. They also take another 20% when you dare spend it. Inflation takes another 3% or so,,so whats there to shout about? WE are all just wage slaves.

We think we are doing so well because we live in a house supposedly valued at £500kand yet we will pay probably more than a million pounds for it in real terms once the usury industry has drained us of interest over 25 years.

So why is so much importance attached to it?

Its all about status and feelings of self worth.

But in reality, for most of us, wealth is just a societal illusion. We are mostly bottom feeders. We do not have REAL wealth in financial terms. WE are just enslaved to create wealth for the really wealthy.

If you left and he did then become wildly successful would you want him back?

I think that’s a question you should ask yourself - if it’s still a no then it doesn’t sound worth pursuing.

'It saddens me that people are often only just evaluated by what they earn.

Why is it so important? '

Because there isn't enough income for them to pay the bloody bills, you know, roofs over heads, food in bellies, and he's running up debt.

He's not earning, he's getting into debt.

When you expect your partner to indulge your hobby whilst your family goes without because you think you're above a paying job like everyone else, it's selfish and self-indulgent.

Does he do other stuff to compensate for not pulling his weight ? Do you ever talk about it or is it the elephant in the room ? Does he know how pissed off you are.

I think you need to lay the cards on the table and then take it from there.

Leave. Sorry, it's harsh but you have to. It's not about what he earns, it's about what he offers and it's nothing but dreams. Ex dh was going to be a musician for years. He was and is a very talented musician, albeit one that was never in a band or got off his arse to find one to be in. Then he was going to write a novel and my god it was going to be a best seller. Only he never finished the first chapter. He never did a school run, packed lunch, wash load either. It's abusive (although he was abusive in myriad other ways, too).
Leave and don't look back.

If you are going to leave him I would suggest you do a lot of preparation before telling him. My experience of winding up a business is that it was very expensive. And we had no debt. I'd serve him papers before I mentioned this.

Run to the hills Op. Tbh it sounds like you don't respect him and I cant blame you.

I think you need some sound legal advice to minimise post divorce leaching as well.

If a business doesn't make money then it's a vanity project. He's deluded and a passenger.

I'd kick him off the bus.

It strikes me as being quite common to see a male breadwinning while his female spouse follows a dream, indulges a vanity project, embarks on a moneyspinning pyramid scheme.

More unusual still to see a set up like op's, where she's supporting the family and he's indulging his dream.

It’s actually the other way round: it’s quite common to see a man pursuing a dream of ‘running his own business’ which is making zero money but is such hard work that he has no time for domestic chores. Meanwhile the female partner works to support the family and does all the childcare and domestic chores.

I’ve seen it many many times on here alone. As well as out in the real world.

My secret is that I don’t respect my husband in anyway and it’s destroying our marriage. It’s happened over time, he’s gambled everything we had secretly, when I found out he wanted a chance to prove he would change. Has he....... nope not one bit he’s still a selfish prick. The real secret is that after years of wanting to leave I’ve finally bought a house for myself and the kids (it’s tiny but it’s better than being here supporting a cocklodger) and he knows nothing about it. Once the house is ready I’ll pack up and leave him to it.

Don’t waste anymore yaers op it will eat away at you!

Apologies could someone give me a definition of a "cocklodger" ?

It's actually the other way round

We must move in different circles. Round here all the men commute into the City and you can't move for women retraining as interior designers, life coaches and stylists. Or opening little boutiques that disappear after a few months.

Minimise post divorce leaching

How? Assets will be pooled and split equitably.

Apologies could someone give me a definition of a "cocklodger" ?
A man who lives within a woman's home as her partner but who contributes nothing to the household except by shagging the women-hence the use of cock. He is referred to as a lodger because he isn't a true part of the household paying his way. Rather the only thing keeping him there is sex.

Round here all the men commute into the City and you can't move for women retraining as interior designers, life coaches and stylists. Or opening little boutiques that disappear after a few months.
Sound equally as time wasting, except with a bit more middle class wankiness factor

Cocklodger = a man who targets a woman so that he can live with her rent free. While she pays for everything, he does nothing at all.

Ok then he’s just a lodger.... no cock.... I feel repulsed by it near me!

Thanks,,i assume the women want the cock or is there a suggestion of submission or coercion to be a true cocklodger?

I presume so limp but those of us who've been around the block a few times despair at them
No coercion necessary afaik
Cocklodgers are feckless but it isn't a term for abusive men specifically, although there are probably overlaps.
We could start an urban dictionary for useless men here on MN

I assume it's habit. The situation grows around them everyday so they don't notice or just get used to it - and are so knackered from doing everything that they don't have the energy to think about it.

Maybe some women do it to avoid the cocklodger getting seriously pissed off and making life hard/scary for their children, or even dangerous.

Also, even in rl people will say "oh that's just men" and the put-upon woman will just gird her loins and get on with it because 'all men do that'. It's the pattern of behaviour, not the apparently petty individual instances that add up to the full picture.

However a cocklodger situation arose, it is surely more helpful to applaud the women when the scales do fall and encourage them on, though.

A SAH or very part time (in paid work) parent fitting in work or a low cost:income business around parenting, eg working only in school hours or evenings, when it’s been agreed that that parent will be primary carer and not have PT or FT traditional employment - which is taking big personal financial risks - is very different to someone working FT or more than FT on a costly and unsuccessful “business”.

OP, do you use childcare Mon to Fri, or is your H the primary carer?