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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The truth about my marriage that nobody knows

126 replies

Nokirstynophil · 15/06/2018 16:49

.......
Mine? My husband brings in less than 15% of our joint income and this has been the case for around five years (before that it was max 35% and has slowly declined)

We cover this up so well that I don't think anybody, even those close to us, would guess.

He is self employed.
I don't want this to go on any more and am looking at ending it.

What's yours?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nokirstynophil · 15/06/2018 22:31

Yes, HollowTalk. You are probably right. Our lifestyle is very frill-free; no holidays etc.
Maybe that's why those who ask keep asking.

OP posts:
Miladamermalada · 15/06/2018 22:33

Ugh.
What is it with men having 'businesses' which are nothing more than expensive hobbies because they think they're too good to work for anyone else.
Bin him off-he doesn't contribute anyway

HollowTalk · 15/06/2018 22:40

That's exactly how I feel, Mila. OP, you're just funding his hobby. He thinks it's not a hobby, but it is, it's just that it doesn't relax him or keep him fit or informed!

He's a drain on you - he sees his life as more important than yours - it's the definition of entitlement.

Original poster
Nokirstynophil · 15/06/2018 22:43

When I'm really hacked off I think along these lines and am quite clear and outraged about it. That he thinks he is not like everyone else and is entitled.

OP posts:
Miladamermalada · 15/06/2018 22:44

My dad was like this. Even as a kid I knew that all he had to do was get a real job and our financial problems would be solved. He still can't, in his 70's, and is fucking about with business ventures whilst living on pension credit in his council flat.
You'd suggest it and there'd be all sorts of complex reasons for why he couldn't get a job. 'Business' things.
I'd rather work in a shop on minimum wage than fuck about pretending to be successful whilst making my family suffer financially. These men are pathetic and offer nothing to their families.

Miladamermalada · 15/06/2018 22:45

Ironically he also projected the idea that we were 'above' other families whose parents had normal jobs. Yet we were the only ones in old clothes with no holidays or activities, and who were expected to be grateful he was 'working hard'.
What a waste of a life my mum had.

HollowTalk · 15/06/2018 22:46

It's not just that he's entitled - if he was someone at work who wanted you to make him tea all the time, it wouldn't really matter. But this guy wants you to spend all your spare money on funding his hobby, which is rapidly losing money, too. It's not even as though he's breaking even. Every pound he's down has to come out of your wages.

He'll be outraged if you leave him. Just reassure him he'll get to spend all that money that he makes Grin

PinkGinFreak · 15/06/2018 22:49

I think you need to let him know how unhappy it's making you, that's if you still love him and want to give him a last chance to put things right??

Jux · 15/06/2018 23:01

How's tricks?
Oh, I'm fine. My job's really exciting right now so horribly busy and long hours - luckily they pay well so it's worth it!
How about dh?
Ah, that's another matter....

Miladamermalada · 15/06/2018 23:06

People aren't blind, even if you think you've hidden things well. They know. They also know you, don't forget, and what you do for your family, how hard you work, what you must earn approximately.
They also pick up on the dynamics.
It is interesting that he is keen for you to maintain this act. My mother was forced to, and also to have to ask for bailout money from family.
Just humiliating all round.

Bluntness100 · 15/06/2018 23:10

Yeah I get this, he is leaving all the financial burden to you. But he's also stealing your credit for surviving financially as his, lying about his success, forcing you to live a frugal lifestyle you don't want, forcing you to pay for him.

This is all fine when two parties agree one pays for the other, but you don't agree, you're in a position you didn't agree to.

You need to talk to him. Tell him you're not willing to continue like this. You can't and won't. Explain you'll be honest about the business if anyone asks. That you'll say it doesn't pay. That you keep them afloat.

Or just walk. He can live off his earnings as he seems so keen to. You don't have to pay for him as well as everyone else.

Original poster
Nokirstynophil · 15/06/2018 23:21

Thanks all. Miladamermelada, what you describe is what I see for my future.
The thing you mentioned about looking down on others really strikes a chord. That happens here too. He is at times disdainful if I mention anyone else's success or things they have or do that I'd like, because it's all peanuts compared to what we'll have apparently.

Even if, best case scenario, I could convince him to get a bog standard steady job or whatever he can get, and suggested he could work on his business on the side, I know a) the paid job would somehow not last long for any number of reasons b) I'd be listening forever more about how it kept his focus away from his "real" job.

Things becoming clearer for me and I know what I have to do.

OP posts:
Miladamermalada · 15/06/2018 23:30

Before I got to your last sentence OP I thought 'she needs to leave'.
Then you said it.
I never say LTB. But here I say do.
Carrot dangling a future when there isn't going to be one is cruel, you are wasting the best years of your life on his Walter Mitty delusions, and you could be having such fun with a man who is prepared to work a normal job.
Having your own business for men like this is an effort to resolve feelings of insecurity and inadequacy they developed before they met you. That is why they are bitter at success of others and why they CANNOT, under any circumstances, let go of the dream of success even when they are anything but successful. Because to them that would be to fail. They don't care that they are dragging you down-all that's important is that they succeed. They are like financial and emotional leeches and if you say anything- 'you've never supported me'.
ME ME ME.
Make it about you x

Original poster
Nokirstynophil · 15/06/2018 23:35

Milada, you know what you're talking about and it shows. Thank you.

OP posts:
pissedonatrain · 16/06/2018 06:03

My H refused to work for the past 7 years. Funny he managed to get a job after I booted him out after I caught him cheating.

In your case, I would just tell him his time is up and he needs to get full time work asap and if he wants to pursue his "business" part time for say 10 hours a week, that's fine and if he doesn't...

You'll have to completely ignore the guilt trips about not supporting his dream. It's pure delusional selfishness on his part.

Does he have any real job skills or education?

RainySeptember · 16/06/2018 07:24

I don't know a single self employed person who would be open and honest if their business was failing. Everyone pretends that their order book is full, that they're in demand, that they can squeeze you in for an appointment. I even know more than one person who's social media suggests they have staff and different departments when they're sole traders. I really don't think that that aspect of OP's complaint is that unusual - from market stalls to multinationals, you don't openly and publicly admit to problems until you have no choice.

Someone upthread referred to it as an indulgence rather than a business, but I know lots of women with similar indulgences - part time stylists, life coaches, interior designers and lots hosting selling parties such as Ann Summers or Phoenix Cards.

The real problem is that op doesn't want to be the breadwinner and is tired of supporting him in a venture that sounds destined to fail, which I get, but pointless to pile on with unfounded criticisms.

shiklah · 16/06/2018 07:39

RainySeptember - I, and most of my local friends own small businesses and, maybe because we are all women, we are constantly terrified we are going to go broke and lose everything. We are all doing well and successful but spend nights tossing and turning and panicking about our staff and how we will look after them when we foolishly squander everything. I don’t think we are all full of bravado at all.

RainySeptember · 16/06/2018 07:56

Shiklah, Of course. But OP's dp is being criticised for pretending publicly that his business is doing well, when it isn't. My point is that that is entirely normal. Or are you saying that you go round telling people, family, friends, customers when your business is struggling?

WhataLovelyPear · 16/06/2018 08:22

Rainy, you're right. If you let on you're struggling people are less likely to trade with you. In some circles it is perfectly fine to admit you've only just set up so it's early days, but I've even seem start ups put a lot of effort into pretending they are well established and have been trading for a while.
But, that's a whole different thing to what the OP is talking about - her DH had been pretending for years, so it's pure delusion. Unfortunately he won't change unless forced to.

Roomba · 16/06/2018 08:40

God, yes - I can relate to the carrot dangling bit. My ex was convinced that any day now he was going to be wildly successful. When things went wrong, it was always due to the customer/HMRC screwing something up/me.

And people did ask me how his business was going quite often, especially family. Because they knew people who worked in IT roles like my ex did, and after a while it was pretty obvious we were not living the same kind of lifestyle these people were. So my Dad's friend, who worked in a similar role, went on long haul holidays with his wife and kids, bought a succession of new cars, moved up and up the property ladder... Whereas my ex and I stayed in a tiny terrace (which I bought and paid for due to his bad credit then lack of money), never went on holiday, never went to restaurants, the theatre, when I went clothes shopping with my mum I'd never buy anything for myself, pretending I didn't see much I liked, and so on.

Roomba · 16/06/2018 08:41

And yes, everyone else was stupid for working for someone else! Letting their employers keep most of the rewards of their hard work. They'd see, when he was successful...

Thundersky · 16/06/2018 08:46

If you're going to leave OP do it while you're still of working age. We've got friends where the wife has been propping up her DH's business with her earnings (teaching) for over 20 years. He has sucked dry two sets of inheritance, along with her pay over those years into his 'business'. Their home has fallen into severe disrepair because every penny has been diverted into his company.

shiklah · 16/06/2018 08:47

I don't say I am struggling, I just don't discuss it - makes me too anxious!
I totally agree with what you say for a lot of small business owners but most of the women I know are successful and constantly panicking.

Miladamermalada · 16/06/2018 08:47

Someone upthread referred to it as an indulgence rather than a business
That's because it is. And it isn't on the same level as a life coach or having your nails done, because those things don't threaten the security of your family. Those things aren't used to convince others you are doing a valid job supporting your family. Those things are not done all the while making your partner keep your secret that what you are doing to make everyone think you are clever and special, when actually you refuse to take any responsibility and subsequently expect your partner to bear the burden by having a shite lifestyle which she has to justify to family by supporting with her money.

becciboo34182 · 16/06/2018 08:50

Poor bloke

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