The truth about my marriage that nobody knows

[Nokirstynophil]

.......
Mine? My husband brings in less than 15% of our joint income and this has been the case for around five years (before that it was max 35% and has slowly declined)

We cover this up so well that I don't think anybody, even those close to us, would guess.

He is self employed.
I don't want this to go on any more and am looking at ending it.

What's yours?

Thank you. Your responses, all of them, have been helpful. I have definitely reached my limit and not being listened to/valued by him has damaged the relationship. It's been stressful and it is a good question to ask: why was I willing to cover up.

It's not the actual amount that's the issue though, is it?

It's the inequity and lack of compromise on his part.

I am self employed, had I not been able to bringi n a meaningful amount, or if DH had any objections to the changes I made then I would have listened and we would have come to a joint decision. I wouldn't have just nodded and smiled and claimed "This time next year, Rodders..."

Our secret: we sleep in separate beds (and rooms).
All good still, and a healthy sex life, but people assume differently if you tell them you have separate beds, so I feel a kind of shame about it and don't tell anyone. Silly really.

OP I’m with you. It’s draining having to carry someone because they can’t see the need to carry themselves. Can you ask him to contribute his fair share of bills, even if that leaves him with little money to himself? He can choose this path for himself but it’s not ok to impose the consequences on you.

Our secret is that we occasionally smoke weed together and although I want it to stop before we’re Proper Grown Ups, I might have to leave him because his entire social network and family do it too.

What other people know and think about your situation and relationship is secondary to what YOU know and think. You know that you have financially supported him and the DC for years and that he chose to pursue a risky, low income business rather than get a job. You think this is very unfair on you and the DC and that his business is very unlikely to succeed.

Sounds like it’s over. Get legal advice.

Our secret? Mmm! From his family that would be that I am not the controlling She Devil they think I am. I just supported him to achiee what he wanted to... you really can't force someone to go to Uni, get a better job etc. But they still like to see him as the family scapegoat!

From my family? Well, my parents don't know that I am fully aware of how much they have ripped my DSis off. They have no idea that she and I are in contact and that we have been working together to get her property and money back!

From friends? Almost everything. I don't do close, sharing stuff! It's my life...

Thanks all and to those who shared their secrets.
A pp suggested he might have got a job had I not kept this situation covered up. Maybe he would a few years ago.
Now I feel that he's in so deep he wouldn't have. It would have led to a huge confrontation though. Maybe I need to think about why I was so scared of that.
And perhaps it became my secret and I was the one who became too proud. Couldn't stand finally confusing in a close friend that I was financially stressed for them to say that they had no idea, why hadn't I said.
His pride, my pride.

The issue is that OP’s H hasn’t pulled his weight financially for many years, and that OP has not been happy to financially support the family.

He pretends his business is doing well.

Don’t know why OP has covered it up. Presumably in case others think less of him/her or her H gets angry with her for being honest.

How much does he actually earn? After business costs etc. Money that actually goes into the family pot.

I get it, OP. I earned 95% of our household income while my ex worked on starting his own business up - for ten years. I'd actually lie to people about how well he was doing and how much he brought in. It was far too embarrassing to say actually I pay for absolutely everything. I knew that friends and particularly family would be telling me to end things and find someone who was willing to contribute financially! Most people would realise their business wasn't working out, and would go work for someone else, after a few months. Bur not my ex, he couldn't work for someone else and trying to discuss it always ended with me being gaslighted and made to feel cruel and unsupportive. Of you listened to him talk to people now, he makes out that he had to prop me up financially for years - hilarious given he made zero profit for a decade.

Ironically, once I made my ex move out he had to find rent money from somewhere. So he started a completely different business in a totally unrelated field and is doing better than I am now! Of course I'm having a nightmare getting a penny of child maintenance - they don't change and take responsibility even when they are able to.

He has his own business but it has brought in next to nothing and has debts.

If it’s not making money after 5 years it’s not a business it’s just an indulgence.

I was in a similar situation 2 years ago, earnging only around £500 a month.
I tried to get a part time job, had interviews but no offers.

Gave up and got a lowish paid full time job, worked hard, made sacrifices and now earning double, more than I would ever made self-employed and far less hours!

Bin him!

My secret is that I'm still married to him. Neither of us has bothered to do the paperwork ending the marriage.

Most people assume we divorced ages ago.

Roomba- so similar.
To the pp who asked why it came up in conversation with others, it is quite surprising, isn't it? I think because he's set up his own business though people do ask how it's going, quite regularly. It's the first thing some of them ask actually. Or perhaps they already suspect things are really awful.

Yes, I do just say "Fine". Or even "Really well, thanks" and try to change the subject.

OP -sounds very similar to my situation. Now getting divorced . He did finally get a job, but he still insists it would have worked if only id given him/ business a chance (he literally had no money left when he finally got a job after months and months of only considering executive pay positions because he believed that was his level as an ex director of business 😂, after years on minimum wage).

This was one of the reasons I left exh. He was an abusive cunt on top of being obsessed with working for himself. It was always 'in 2 years we will be rich'. Even when we couldn't afford the mortgage and missed payments.

I was fulltime employed and couldn't cover all the bills. Because he was also a spender.

I am a single parent and still skint, even though I am careful with money. But I have stability. The stress is far less.

Amazing how many of us there are. I refused to allow DH to use the equity in the house for his business ( he asked his mum) . Now it's not going brilliantly and I am unsupportive because I think he should give it a limited amount of time and then get a paying job.

Why is anyone interested in what you both earn? That’s not a secret. It’s just something that’s no one else’s business anyway.

The real problem with such people is their sense of entitlement. They're too good for regular paying jobs and anyone who doesn't pay their bills and indulge them is unsupportive. Such people usually also make unilateral decisions without consulting or considering anyone besides themselves.

I think anyone asking him would guess that his business was doing badly. There would be signs, wouldn't there, if it was doing well? It must be clear that your family's living on your earnings - if he was doing so well you'd be able to afford better cars, more holidays etc.