Only two months married and miserable...

[Slundle]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this post but I feel like I have to be honest somewhere...

I got married two months ago to my longterm boyfriend. We're longterm but we broke up about four times over the course of 12 years. Every time we broke up, it was me who did the breaking up.

So, married life has been terrible. Quite simply, we are not getting along. I find my husband notoriously difficult to communicate with. Regardless of what the issue is, his way of dealing with it is to scoff and shout. It's gotten to the stage where I'm not sure if I even like him all that much. We get on fine when everything is perfect but we all know, life isn't perfect.

I know it'd be easy for one of you to write 'leave him' but it really isn't that simple. We had a long, tough break-up before. I felt so brave and empowered but I came crawling back to him because I genuinely felt so lonely and I knew he loved me. I suffered with loneliness and anxiety. It's not easy being single in a couples' world. He also used the line 'I want to take care of you.' I do wonder if I'm demanding in an emotional sense (I'm not materialistic but I can be needy and he has told me that. Unfortunately I agree).

We tried couples' counselling before we married and the counsellor did not work for us...when I went for individual counselling, they very much urged me to leave him. Yet in couples' counselling, with a different counsellor, it felt like she very much took his side and felt sorry for him that I had broken it off in the past. I know there shouldn't be sides in counselling but it really felt that way...each session was like her counselling him and I was more or less in the background...he has used that as ammunition against me.

Anyway, there's a lot of detail left out here but the reason I'm posting is I would really like to hear from people in similar situations:

• Have any of you had a rocky start to marriage?
• Have any of you managed to turn your marriage around?
• Did any of you end a marriage where there was no-one else involved (I know it's common to leave someone for someone else but I'm just genuinely very unhappy).

Anyhow, thanks for reading. I really appreciate that. My stress levels have gone through the roof and I'm angry at myself for letting my life turn out this way. As far as my friends and family are concerned, I'm happy as Larry. If only they saw the daily arguing that goes on behind closed doors.

Everyone finds it difficult to leave abusive people. And tbh in my experience there's normally some kind of catalyst that forces it. Don't beat yourself up - but do keep looking for somewhere you might be able to afford.

I think you need to start imagining what life will be like and not being pessimistic. Imagine you could put as much energy into working on yourself as you have working on this relationship. Think of coming home after work and doing whatever you want. Decorating your space however you want. Lighting a candle, pouring a glass of wine and having a bath and thinking about where you'll go on holiday, who you'll have dinner with next week, what day trips you might take soon, what sport you might like to try. You'll be able to think about your life & not this terrible relationship.

Rooting for you so hard Slundle.

Thanks very much for your kind words @littledinosaurs.

Thanks to all of you. MN has been a good way of pulling me back when I start to normalise things happening in my marriage.

I feel quite down right now but as many people have pointed out, only I can change things. So too can I and I alone understand exactly what got me to this place at this age. I'm disappointed in myself but I'm also hoping I can turn my life around. It can't and won't be the rip the plaster off vibe. It's just not who I am. I care too much. Regardless, I will come back & re-read this entire thread at some point soon. I need to work on building myself up now.

You won't be able to build ypurself up whilst you stay with your abuser.

You say you care too much? For him? Fair enough. If you plan on leaving the kindest thing to do would be to plan, tell him, leave and stop all contact. That would be the best thing for him in terms of accepting oit and getting on with his life. Rather than dragging it out and keeping him hanging on. No?

Why are you disappointed in yourself? Your husband is a textbook emotional abuser. Manipulative people know how to catch others in their web & it's the nice ones, the ones with soft spots to be exploited, who are caught. You came to your relationship treating him like a partner & love & someone you cared about.

That you trusted the wrong man isn't something to beat yourself up about, they know how to do it. He saw his chances & did the worst thing by beating you down into someone, inch by inch, who would take it

It's not your fault. It will never be your fault, but with your new knowledge and understanding - how long will it go on? Why infect the future when the past is finished and the present so miserable?

I care too much

The implication being that those of us who did leave did not and do not care

I second the post above. This is so true. I'm just extracting myself from a marriage that went well past its sell-by date. Soon to be ex just made it sooooo difficult for me to leave. His family did too. I realize now I was always under huge pressure from not just his family but my family too. Because I instigated the divorce and felt guilty about it, both families felt it was okay to 'punish' me for it. Soon to be ex played dirty in the divorced settlement to the extent that I realized I really hadn't known the person I was married to properly. He always seemed like such a 'nice guy' but I think he's a good actor. I think one or two of my friends saw through him from the very beginning but he was so persistent. I suppose it was 'love bombing'. There were a few red flags but I ignored them, stupidly. In actual fact, nothing has changed and the things that bothered me at the beginning are exactly the same as the things that bother me now. And I can no longer ignore them. The problem with initiating a divorce with a man with an attitude of entitlement (which is undeserved) is that it is so easy for them to play the victim card. And they can play massively on the guilt factor. Especially if you are a conscientious person as I am. He was quite literally trying to get my father to pick up his divorce fees along with his vat bills! You couldn't make it up. I can't tell you how many people were disapproving of my divorce and tried to get me to change my mind. No-one had any idea of how financially improvident soon to be ex was and the fact that myself and my family had been propping him and his business up for years. His brother actively encourages him and his girlfriend to go on endless holidays even though the brother actually had the nerve to phone up my father, claim soon to be ex was broke and try to persuade me not to use lawyers in the divorce. Soon to be ex and his brothers had drawn up their own 'agreement' which they wanted me to follow. When I refused, soon to be ex deliberately included phoney debts in his list of assets (mostly debts to family - none of them proven) so that the (tiny) sum I got from his pension was effectively wiped out. This despite incredibly generous gifts and donations from my family throughout the entire marriage.

i care too much

About what? Him? Or what people think?

But actually just to play devils advocate... if you really did care, then you'd do the right thing and split. Actually some might say that you're being an enabler with that point of view. I do understand as I did it too.

It's like giving a drunk a drink. If you really care then surely the act of splitting would be the most beneficial path to take?

^I care too much

The implication being that those of us who did leave did not and do not care confused^

Good grief! That is not what I meant at all. Surely by now it's clear that I never judge others or their choices. I heard of a book called 'Women Who Love Too Much' & that's what I meant. I meant that I care more than I should. I'm very emotional & yes, a prime candidate for emotional abuse as a result.

I have nothing but respect & admiration for anyone who takes the bull by the horns & changes their destiny. I just know myself very well & I know how I get sleepless nights & heart-pounding, breathless anxiety when I'm alone & I know that i personally have a lot to work on.

Of course I'm scared sh*tless of leaving. My DM rang my H the other day for a chat! That's how much she loves him!

I sense a lot of exasperation at me here and believe me, I know how I must sound. I think I've just been trying in vain to explain how difficult I find it to emotionally detach. I've been called 'too nice' countless times in my life & it's just something I'm struggling with despite excellent advice from people here.

It's not your fault. It will never be your fault, but with your new knowledge and understanding - how long will it go on? Why infect the future when the past is finished and the present so miserable?

Thank you for this. I'm struggling with all of this.

Your DM can love him if she wants. She can continue to do so if you split up. They can se each other. None of that means you have to stay with him.

Give yourself permission to put yourself first. I think it's really difficult when you become a wife and mother because the 'shoulds' seem to creep in, or at least they did for me. And that suits everyone else just fine. I've got friends with grown-up children who would be furious if their parents divorced. It spoils the photo album and also the facebook posts of all the happy family holidays, anniversaries, birthday parties, graduations and so on.

Thank goodness one of my children told me she would much rather I did what I wanted than stay in the marriage just for the sake of looking like the 'perfect family'. I had been struggling along for several years being miserable and she had noticed and even broached the subject with soon to be ex who knew exactly what was going on but was pretending everything was fine.

In extreme cases, to 'punish' the errant spouse, if both sets of families are dysfunctional, the two families gang up against the 'errant' spouse alienating him or her from their children. My soon to be ex I think would have tried this - at least for a bit - if our children had been younger. This is extreme but it can and does happen and there's even a term for it. Parental alienation. It happened to a friend of mine who has been incredibly supportive and it was her who shed quite a bit of light on my own situation. It's disappointing but I can't believe how many of her so-called former 'friends' too the side of her ex and painted her as an 'unfit mother' which she never was and never would be. I saw through it all immediately but it suited some people's agendas to paint her as the wicked woman who broke up the family.

Good grief! That is not what I meant at all. Surely by now it's clear that I never judge others or their choices.

I understand that. I was just expressing how I sometimes come away from this thread feeling. Like it is one set of standards for other people, and then another for you. Somehow it makes me feel depressed because I did not see a choice to leave, it was nothing to do with caring or not caring.

Anyway, good luck with it all, I am bowing out now.

@KataraJean that's fair enough & do what you feel is best. The reality is you had the courage to leave, change your life & have come out the other side. I don't have the courage for many reasons.

From where I'm standing, you should feel proud of yourself. None of this has anything to do with 'standards.' I'm not there yet in terms of having the ability to leave. That's all. I'm in the thick of things so we are in very different 'places.'

Nothing I've written has anything to do with other people's situations but I suppose the reality of these threads is everyone comes to the table with their own baggage. Thanks for all of your advice & for sharing. Best of luck to you

@AlheaorDonna

Why on earth would you waste another 3? You only get one life, don't waste it! This man is never going to make you happy.

Thank you. I know 'the sooner the better.' I tend to get quickly & easily sucked in when he's nice & I'm working on trying to step back & see it all for what it is (which sucks!). Thanks.

Everyone finds it difficult to leave abusive people. And tbh in my experience there's normally some kind of catalyst that forces it. Don't beat yourself up - but do keep looking for somewhere you might be able to afford.

I think this is very true. There were two incidents recently (the drink driving was one) which push me close to that catalyst. I get angry that drink driving seems like a justifiable reason to leave but him shouting at me & criticising me isn't. That really does make me feel crappy about my own self-worth. Having said that, whatever it takes...because it really will take all the strength I can muster to do this.

Someone described it upthread as a cat & mouse horror show. I felt ashamed that this is my life. I know I need to change my life & I know only I can do that. I'm just scared sh*tless.

Do something nice for yourself this evening Slundle. You deserve a bath or an entire Ben and Jerry's tub to yourself and some trashy tv.

Also - I don't think it matters what makes you want to leave. Stop beating yourself up. Him drink driving would be an absolute deal breaker for me too. Is it your car or his?

I agree with littledinosaurs above. Please be kind to yourself Slundle, goodness knows that you deserve it.
You’re stronger than you realise and you deserve so much better than this.

Thanks to both of you. I was working long hours all week & H was busy too so I barely saw him until just now ... & it was awful. He was supposed to collect me but didn't like my tone on the phone so he didn't. I waited for a bus for an hour ... and when I got home he was mad at me & now he's ignoring me after he stormed off. I really feel like I'm at breaking point. I forgive so much & when he doesn't like my tone he leaves me waiting for a bus for an hour! WTF. I do have my own car too by the way & often give him lifts & do all kinds of nice things for him. I'm so hurt but I'm also angry. My therapist said when the anger at him came it'd be useful. It's taken it's time but it's here....

It's his car he went drink driving in..

P.S. I tried to talk to him & he tried to twist everything around. He was being abhorrent. Then I said I was going to move out if things didn't improve. He laughed. I said it again a half an hour later, he realised I meant it & turned on the charm like a switch.

I think I might just be ready to start taking steps to leave. I'm so scared.

He said 'what's gotten in to you this past while?' I obviously didn't tell him about MN but 'this past while' I'm just so much more aware of how badly he's been treating me & becoming more aware by the second that I shouldn't have to deal with this.

He didn't pick you up because he didn't like your tone? Excuse me, but what the fuck is he on????

That is so bullying and abusive that I am speechless.

Firstly, I'm sure there was nothing wrong with your tone - that's fact. And then to punish you by denying you a lift (a small basic courtesy for a partner) is just icing on the shit cake

Also, even if your tone HAD anything wrong with it, you are entitled to raise your voice or speak however you see fit. Moods change, people get irritable, it's certainly not a hanging offence

And then it's so RICH because he is always yelling & going off on one. It's not just his tone, it's his words and his meanness and his anger and literally YOU should be the angry one but he is gaslighting you

As for what has 'gone into you,' he is sensing that his control is slipping. It's not even MN that has done it, you have more awareness and you are in therapy and starting to wake up from the nightmare. As you know, the charm is a manipulative tactic. He doesn't love you

He doesn't respect you, he is treating you like a used tissue. All of his 'charm' and being 'nice' and when you think 'oh he's okay really' is just because he is using pretend niceness to manipulate you. He doesn't mean it. You're never going to get the love and trust and mutual respect of a marriage with a man who USES kindness as an abusive tool

Don't worry about the 'exasperation' on this thread. We are all anonymous people giving our opinions, and even if you sense it here, it's the repetition of people in a conversation that is continuous, so seems more stroppy than it is. And people here are urging you on to better yourself by extracting yourself from the mess

But honestly, forget about other people. Forget about their opinions and validation and noise.

This situation feels bad and unbearable and you are on the cusp of turning. How it feels now after H's punishing of you is how it always will

Maybe don't tell him you want to leave - just act bland and innocent while you plan. And yes you are scared shitless but a future on your own (with yourself for company, peace and quiet, own space etc) seems a lot scarier than how it will be. I promise you will adapt and learn to feel good again

The future with H is scarier than that by miles. Imagine being trapped? And by being trapped, giving away all the chances of ever being happy. With someone who thinks it's normal to punish and belittle and bully you. You want better!

Please get the number for Women's Aid & sign up for the Freedom Programme. Tell your therapist you want to start thinking about leaving. Even 'thinking' aloud with your therapist will help you plan concrete steps

Don't do it all at once. Set a certain time period (preferably when you know you'll be alone) to work on one thing. Maybe it's looking up flats and scheduling a viewing of a room.

Or checking bank details and making sure your money is in its separate account, pension paperwork etc, NI and all of those are in a separate folder you can keep at work or hidden

Or looking at your wardrobe and planning what you need to take and what's optional

Or looking at suitcases and packaging items that you can start to secretly prepare

Or gathering personal papers and ensuring you have copies of your ID documents, important letters or keep sakes that you want (eg. Photo family album, birth certificate)

Or a list of essential items you want to make sure you take

Look in your phone contacts and list people you can call in an emergency: even if you think 'oh so and so won't have time for me' have them in case

Or a list of positive to do things once you leave

Or calling women's aid on your lunch break

Just one at a time. Make sure you clear your cache/history of all devices you use as well