Only two months married and miserable...

[Slundle]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this post but I feel like I have to be honest somewhere...

I got married two months ago to my longterm boyfriend. We're longterm but we broke up about four times over the course of 12 years. Every time we broke up, it was me who did the breaking up.

So, married life has been terrible. Quite simply, we are not getting along. I find my husband notoriously difficult to communicate with. Regardless of what the issue is, his way of dealing with it is to scoff and shout. It's gotten to the stage where I'm not sure if I even like him all that much. We get on fine when everything is perfect but we all know, life isn't perfect.

I know it'd be easy for one of you to write 'leave him' but it really isn't that simple. We had a long, tough break-up before. I felt so brave and empowered but I came crawling back to him because I genuinely felt so lonely and I knew he loved me. I suffered with loneliness and anxiety. It's not easy being single in a couples' world. He also used the line 'I want to take care of you.' I do wonder if I'm demanding in an emotional sense (I'm not materialistic but I can be needy and he has told me that. Unfortunately I agree).

We tried couples' counselling before we married and the counsellor did not work for us...when I went for individual counselling, they very much urged me to leave him. Yet in couples' counselling, with a different counsellor, it felt like she very much took his side and felt sorry for him that I had broken it off in the past. I know there shouldn't be sides in counselling but it really felt that way...each session was like her counselling him and I was more or less in the background...he has used that as ammunition against me.

Anyway, there's a lot of detail left out here but the reason I'm posting is I would really like to hear from people in similar situations:

• Have any of you had a rocky start to marriage?
• Have any of you managed to turn your marriage around?
• Did any of you end a marriage where there was no-one else involved (I know it's common to leave someone for someone else but I'm just genuinely very unhappy).

Anyhow, thanks for reading. I really appreciate that. My stress levels have gone through the roof and I'm angry at myself for letting my life turn out this way. As far as my friends and family are concerned, I'm happy as Larry. If only they saw the daily arguing that goes on behind closed doors.

What KataraJean has said is spot on.

When I split up with my ExH I did feel lonely but only at specific times when people would generally be with partners and family ie Bank Holidays, some weekends etc. I recognised this and made sure I had specific things to do at those times so I didn't feel so "abandoned". i did some volunteering, and took a relief receptionist job, which also had a social aspect to it.

Okay I felt a little lonely at times, but it soon, with effort, went but the sense of relief and freedoom was immense, and I felt like a huge burden had been lifted.

Incidentally a lovely Aunt of mine presented me with a cat when I was living on my own, I was dubious always having been a "dog person" however , he was a great companion and lovely calm company and within weeks I became a "cat person" too.

We are all rooting for you Slundle and I feel sure that you are working your way towards your lightbulb moment when you decide to go.

Good luck

That's so cute that you were given a pet. I'm so attached to my dog (& so is H) that it'd be heartbreaking to leave the dog again.

I suppose what's so hard is that I left before but came back & got married. The coming back & getting married part is the part I shouldn't have done. I was deluded.

Things have been worse lately though & his family situation is extremely difficult. They're not an easy bunch & there's so much that's too specific about them to write.

I haven't seen Frozen but I'll check it out sometime with some nieces/nephews!

That's true about my parents! My sisters know them in a very different capacity than H does. Still, he really makes a huge effort & my parents are nice. They just left some gaping holes in their parenting, my F in particular.

Keep thinking and reflecting and moving forward, Slundle - you are getting there.

Please don't set yourself a time period of when you can leave of "at least three years " though. Three years is a loooong time, and you may find in three years that you no longer have the confidence and determination to do it , as he will have eroded your self-worth to such an extent by then.

Be brave.

@Cambionome Thank you.

If you wait .. In three years you'll be ground down, pregnant or with DC with fewer options than now. And a reminder that abusive and coercive relationships often move into physical abuse with pregnancy and or DC.

Please look at WA and Freedom Programme. If you are reluctant ask why?

This OP ......*
*
People like him and it seemed like it could work. It certainly beat single life.

Really what did you expect when you can't be on your own and be happy in your own company until you met someone who you really was compatible with. I see this far too often unfortunately, people who are afraid to be single & do their own thing often results in unhappy relationships.... this is what your post screams to me.

Although I am sorry that your marriage isn't working out you only have yourself to blame here.

I aware that what I have said is a tough statement, I'm late 30's been single for 6 years or so because I have ALWAYS and I mean always refused to settle for any second bests. Not gloating here but I think I've just met the love of my life, yes it's been difficult being single for all this time when we live in a society where ' being single ' is frowned upon .... but I've always stayed true to my word & absolutely refused to just settle for someone who doesn't rock my world.

Sounds like it's a case of you just not wanting to be single here.... of course people deal with these emotions differently & maybe I'm just one of those people who doesn't give a fuck about what people think re me ' being single ' and I've just ignored / closed myself off from feeling overly lonely.

I wish you all the best but I feel that sadly this is what happens when you are afraid to be alone.... you end up with people whom you aren't really compatible with.

OP you will never meet the 'right person' whilst you are with the 'wrong person'

As one door closes another opens

Take time to find yourself again & learn from this experience.

@daisyboooo I want more advice from you! How did you do it?

I agree with everyone here & @Slundle we are all rooting for you. Unlike H, we do want the best for you, and for YOU to want it for yourself too. That's the most important thing - you could have the world's most loving partner & if you feel undeserving and shitty about yourself you'll still feel like crap

My close family member had a H like yours. They also broke up and got back together and married. He abandoned her almost immediately - they were married in name & he would come home but treated her terribly.

It lasted a few months. And it just had to end, because like with you, it was too much to

keep taking. It was relentless and endless and abusive. Nothing physical and perfectly lovely to outsiders but that's how some abusers do it

Years down the track & he has disappeared. Nobody knows what he's up to or thinks about him.

H isn't a bogeyman. He will go too. Years from now you can look back and think 'wow, he doesn't even matter'

He's really not the end. He's not everything. Don't be fooled

So are you seriously considering giving your marriage a time frame of 3 years MINIMUM?

So that's basically another 3 years of shit and being ground down and spoken to like trash as you're only just a few months married.

You cant change this man, he doesn't want to change. Do you honestly not think you are worth more than this?

@AsleepAllDay .... I guess it takes a cold heart from all the shit I've put up with in the past, a lot of inner strength & I've also taken time ( a lot of time ) to reflect on my past experiences. Re me having a cold heart lol ... I don't take any shit, I don't keep giving out 2nd chances, and basically I just knew that I absolutely could not just settle for anyone unless they meant the world to me. I have been on endless dates from OLD, had a fair few flings & I guess what could be called mini relationships.....and I've come to the conclusion that if you have to ' think about whether there is attraction, think about whether you like / fancy them ' that isn't a good sign. I haven't been afraid to be on my own, there has been times when I've been lonely etc but I just think about dreadfully how unhappy I've been in the past when I was with ex's and how mentally exhausting it was. I decided to block out the lonely feeling & enjoy the peace & quiet.

At times I guess I thought maybe I am one of those people that is destined to be on my own forever.... but again I reflected back on my past & knew I deserved to be happy with someone & not together just for the sake of it.

When I met my current love interest.... I just knew! It was in my gut! And holding out all this time has confirmed he was what I was waiting for.

I'm sorry to be writing this when OP is unhappy i really am x but it just goes to show you never know what maybe round the corner.

Hold your head up high OP, you deserve to be happy x do not fall into that trap of ' can't be single ' because once you get the peace & quiet & the headspace you realise it's actually a learning curve & you grow as a person from all your experiences

Stay with him if you feel like it's worth trying to work it out, but the day you just give in and don't feel like fighting for it anymore is the day it's over.

People change, people get divorced, life goes on x

Thank you @daisyboooo ! I have had times where I chase after men I don't really like and a friend had to say 'if you have to think about whether you like them, it's probably not right'

In OP's case there is really little or nothing that makes it worth hanging on. As a loving partner, husband, friend, confidant & lover he falls down on all respects.

One day you will feel so blissfully free of carrying H and his baggage around. Him being there to grind you down is a time-suck & stops you from confronting life head on.

I'm alone right now & don't know where my next love is but in the meantime it feels good to be just with myself. You can roll around in bed! You can do favours when you please. You can sing and jump and dance. You can look in the mirror for hours admiring yourself. You can eat a whole box of cookies.

Solitude is not a bad price to pay for not being around someone who watches what you eat, complains about noise, puts you down and all in all lives to make you feel small and uncomfortable

Three years is 13 July 2021.

Just saying.

Of course, there is the day you end it, and then there are the days after that when you have to ignore the emotional blackmail, and then a point where you engage a solicitor and then you instruct them to commence divorce proceedings and then it can drag on if one party does not want to be divorced. So three years ending on 13 July 2021 may be optimistic.

But let’s say you leave in a couple of months, all that is done and dusted by 2021 and your life looks very different than it is now. Cannot say how, who can? Just different because it is not what you are in now.

Or it could get to 2021 and you think, well, we have been married three years, people think we are a good team and H has some times of being nice, and you know, the world is scary out there and I am older now and he says I would not manage on my own, and maybe he is right, and I am used to him yelling at me, it is just how he is, and honestly, where would I even start with finding a place, I cannot even clean this one up properly, and none of our friends will speak to me if I leave, and you know, it is my own fault after all, I married him and marriage is supposed to be about love and companionship and respect, so I must be doing something wrong, after all, he does tell me I should be a better wife.

Thanks to you all for the messages & advice & for sharing your own stories.

I have a lot to figure out in my marriage & in my life at the moment. I need to take the time now to really decide the best route forward in terms of marriage, career, a place to live longterm etc.

Thanks again.

There is nothing to figure out in your "marriage" Slundle. You are going round in circles. Since you first posted nothing has changed except you are more aware than previously.

Your DH is a controlling abuser. Your relationship is predicated on that. He will not change. Your only option of you want to be happy is to escape. What others think is beside the point though I expect many will be happy for you. You don't owe your parents or anyone else your life choices. Send back wedding presnts if you feel the need.

Otherwise you'll be in a worse place this time next year. And the rest.

I have a lot to figure out in my marriage

No you don't.

Continuing to try to do that is to continue to orbit your H and centre your life around him. Keeping on trying to figure out what the relationship is, or what makes him tick, or what you could do to win his love and respect - or even his attention - keeps you imprisoned.

Your marriage consists of the hold your H has over you, and the hold you have allowed the bond to develop over you.

You need to figure out why you keep on letting people and their opinions of you (your H, your parents, your friends) and concepts that are actually abstract and worth nothing without the healthy and willing participation of both parties (i.e. marriage) affect you so much.

People are really not paying that much attention to you and your decisions. You are really not so special that anything yo do or say will affect them for more than a few days at most. You are not so special that you can ever change your H into a reasonably nice man who would be a decent husband.

The fallacy that many abused women buy into (thanks to the dynamic of the relationship, the treatment and outright statements by the abuser, and the need to be needed) is that they can change the abuser because they are special to him, they love him more than anyone else does. Keeping on trying means avoiding the pain and humiliation of acknowledging - and acknowledging in public - that they are not special, that they have failed. Often the remaining fragments of pride in herself that an abuse victim is left with work against her best interests.

This is not intended to be harsh criticism of you and though it could come across as dismissive and a put down, I am suggesting that you are too wrapped up in the idea that you can control how others see you and what they feel about you, and that you have invested far too heavily into the notion that their thoughts about you matter.

Slundle all the best with figuring things out. Do come back and read this thread again when it becomes difficult to see a way through.

Take care

Yes, I know...enough has happened to warrant a break up. I'm just giving him so many chances.

Giving back wedding gifts is out of the question as we received money from almost everybody & we used the money to contribute towards the reception. The rest was actually paid by a loan so we were at a loss at the wedding. I can't afford to give back gifts. I've googled it & apparently the etiquette is people don't give back wedding gifts. Depends if mine went to weddings of people who divorced & they never got the gifts back (nor expected to).

I was talking to my sister on the phone today & her kids were asking for H. They really like him. It'd be so much easier if he was unliked.

Now I know this is personal & I'm not in to judging people but H drove ALONE last night after drinking four pints of beer. A friend of mine died in a road accident & I'm fairly 'zero tolerance' when it comes to drinking & driving. He doesn't make a habit of it...quite rare but it bothers me that he would do that. I can't be a mother figure.

I truly wish I had the courage to just leave & carve my own path. It just feels like too much on my own. I've no family nearby where we live & I only have a few close friends & they know H. It's just an awful lot to cope with alone, even practically speaking. I told my sister today what's been happening & she said on the phone that I should leave for a week with a letter telling him what needs to change. But where do I go? A hotel? I can't afford all of that...it's all well & good knowing I should leave but the practicalities of it aren't that simple.

Often the remaining fragments of pride in herself that an abuse victim is left with work against her best interests

I think this is very very true ...

Just to be clear. I wasn't suggesting you give the presents back. Only that you could consider it if it helped you with your anxiety re what others might think.

Re the drink driving. What do you mean ALONE? It is drink driving regardless of who is in the car. Better just him to be honest although he could have still have killed or injured someone else. And he does it rarely?

FFS. You should have called the police on him. You are completely under his control if you are justifying/ minimising criminal and dangerous behaviour. Wake up .

No professional therapist would give the advice your cousin did. A professional therapist who works with couples would know pregnancy and childbirth can be a major stressor on relationships and can cause seismic shifts in marital satisfaction, particularly during the early days.

Individual therapy sounds good. There is a book on marriage you might get something from-Gottman,

I don’t have any family, xH works in the same profession as me, and I have two DC, one with additional needs. I have had every obstacles and ammunition thrown at me to stop xH losing control.

Not meant to be saying if I can do it, so can you. The point is I do believe if you want to do something, you will - and at the moment, for whatever reason (fear, shame, love), you don’t want to leave.

This man thinks he is above the law, above fallibility, and he is only concerned about meeting his needs. It is really that simple.

But I don’t have the energy to get annoyed on your behalf, you need to do that.

Go and visit family, get a late cheap deal for a few days.

The only thing stopping you leaving even for a few days is YOURSELF.

You seem to have resigned yourself to this shame of a marriage being your future because the prospect of anything else is too daunting - too much effort. Oh and of course your family like him.

Oh my god he drinks and drives 'rarely'?! As in he's done it before??! Slundle, please see sense. I understand it's hard but you've gotta get out of there. What's your housing situation? Are you renting or have you bought?

I know ... he actually laughed about it too today & I can't be reprimanding him like a parent would ...

We are renting but he's the one who found the house etc so I'd be the one who'd have to move out unfortunately. Rental prices are sky high where I live (& in most places now, I know)...

I think it'd be good for me to figure out how to buy my own place. It'd involve either a) borrowing some of the deposit or b) buying a one bed apartment ... of course, there's no possibility of doing that until I divorce him.

I can't believe this is all going around my head when I'm still meeting acquaintances chirping: 'so how's married life?'