Only two months married and miserable...

[Slundle]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this post but I feel like I have to be honest somewhere...

I got married two months ago to my longterm boyfriend. We're longterm but we broke up about four times over the course of 12 years. Every time we broke up, it was me who did the breaking up.

So, married life has been terrible. Quite simply, we are not getting along. I find my husband notoriously difficult to communicate with. Regardless of what the issue is, his way of dealing with it is to scoff and shout. It's gotten to the stage where I'm not sure if I even like him all that much. We get on fine when everything is perfect but we all know, life isn't perfect.

I know it'd be easy for one of you to write 'leave him' but it really isn't that simple. We had a long, tough break-up before. I felt so brave and empowered but I came crawling back to him because I genuinely felt so lonely and I knew he loved me. I suffered with loneliness and anxiety. It's not easy being single in a couples' world. He also used the line 'I want to take care of you.' I do wonder if I'm demanding in an emotional sense (I'm not materialistic but I can be needy and he has told me that. Unfortunately I agree).

We tried couples' counselling before we married and the counsellor did not work for us...when I went for individual counselling, they very much urged me to leave him. Yet in couples' counselling, with a different counsellor, it felt like she very much took his side and felt sorry for him that I had broken it off in the past. I know there shouldn't be sides in counselling but it really felt that way...each session was like her counselling him and I was more or less in the background...he has used that as ammunition against me.

Anyway, there's a lot of detail left out here but the reason I'm posting is I would really like to hear from people in similar situations:

• Have any of you had a rocky start to marriage?
• Have any of you managed to turn your marriage around?
• Did any of you end a marriage where there was no-one else involved (I know it's common to leave someone for someone else but I'm just genuinely very unhappy).

Anyhow, thanks for reading. I really appreciate that. My stress levels have gone through the roof and I'm angry at myself for letting my life turn out this way. As far as my friends and family are concerned, I'm happy as Larry. If only they saw the daily arguing that goes on behind closed doors.

Sounds like a good idea to not ask him for favours if you can avoid it.

The sad truth is that partners in life regularly do them for each other but it's best to get out of relying on him where you can. It's like a match where one player is under performing. The coach doesn't keep them on, he benches them. Same with H and favours - he doesn't perform them in the spirit of love and partnership, so you find ways to cope without him

I was in a relationship ever so briefly last/this year and even then, we would do little things for each other just because, to make life easier. So I would go out of my way to get him something he particularly wanted or he would pick up dinner, clean up for me if he was at my place. Buy each other little gifts, make a cup of tea, and so on.

These are really small things but they tell you what a person's love and regard for you is like. H sounds like he uses favour to exert control & show an image of himself to others that isn't real. 'He's so nice, he drops everything' people think, about the man who doesn't want to share a duvet and won't even put up with the sound of a hair dryer

You sound like a kind person who cares about others which honestly, makes you incompatible with H. He's not like you.

And there's every possibility of being able to surround yourself with people who care once this is over. Not everyone is out there ready to grab what they can

Also, he acts like you irritate him because yep, that's him - and he'll stonewall you about breaking up because why would he want to go out there and look for someone he will, God forbid, have to treat nicely? He has you where he wants you

Life is too short to be unhappy. Do you still want to be in this situation 5, 10 years down the line?

You either need to both want to make it better for the other, or you need to walk

I often think abusive men make an extra effort to be seen as nice outside of the home. It helps them get away with it more easily. No-one can believe they could behave like that when they appear so nice and caring to everyone else. It also makes the partner question themselves as to why they are like that with them and not others (must be your fault). Its very clever and manipulative. Ask yourself what gives him the right to treat you this way?

The street angel/house devil type is very common. They are two sides to the same coin. What the person is looking for is the ego boost. He gets an ego boost when he looks like a good guy by offering favours to others. He also gets an ego boost when he puts you down and treats you as a lesser being, because then he feels higher than you in the food-chain.

It's less baffling once you understand the underlying logic.

Me and my son's mum stayed together for the best part of six years just for the sake of our son.
It really was quite an horrific experience, all the shouting and arguing that was taking place.
But we'd stay together because it was easier than splitting up. I wasted the best part of my life with someone where we didn't love eachother and I can't get them years back.
It's actually put me off having another relationship and I'm only 33.
I'd say end it as soon as possible, because it sounds like he's not the right man for you.
If you stay together for the sake of it, before you know it, ten years have past and your still in the same situation.
If I could give you any advice, I'd say please don't waste your life being unhappy.
Don't waste it like I did.

I stayed together with my son's mum for six years for sake for sake of our son.
We was constantly shouting and arguing, horrific experience.
Don't waste your life being in an unhappy situation.
Not like I did.

Thanks for all of your responses. I appreciate your insights & sharing your own experiences.

@Dazza284428 I know it might not seem it now but you are still young & if you work on healing, your next relationship will be better. I'm older than you & so I admire you for getting out & staying out when you did.

How is he being at the moment Slundle? Are you OK?

The same goes for you @Slundle - if you look at some threads on here plenty of people have chimed in about finding love at any age. Hell, you hear about care home weddings. The right love is always out there, with boundaries and healing and new adventures

Thanks @ AsleepAllDay. I know a happy couple in my hometown who were both divorced & got together in their 60s...she described him to my mother as 'kind and gentle.' Very sweet & much-deserved.

@littledinosaurs, now that our visitors have gone, he's back to picking on things & snapping etc. I used the line, 'please stop picking on me' this morning as he criticises every bloody thing I did. But then, he is okay some of the time too...I know I'm like a broken record. I read a book once called 'Too Bad to Stay, too good to leave' or something like that ... anyhow, that's how it feels ... even though I know plenty of people would consider this bad enough to leave but that's how it feels to me.

You do realise that unless you take proactive steps forward to extract yourself from this pitiful life you will find yourself in the same position, posting about the same old stuff - what 2 days - 2 weeks - 2 months - 2 years etc, 10 years downs the line and you'll still be sat there taking it.

You only have ONE life on this planet, don't just 'put-up' with the crap because there is 'occasionally' times when he is 'pleasant'. He should be pleasant every day of the week.

One life, go live it.

Why do you want to be with someone who is 'okay some of the time'? as his optimal level?

What does this say about your opinion of yourself that you think a partner who picks on you all the time is the best you can do?

Why is he 'too good to leave' when he doesn't care about you enough in many many hurtful ways?

How can you repair your self love and esteem to know that you deserve to be far away from this?

Why do you think so low of yourself that he's the best you can do?

Why do you feel you need to continue being punished?

Why, in a universe full of billions, is Mr 'don't blow dry your hair / I hate going to bed with you / you've had enough to eat / do favours for everyone else so he doesn't put you first / snap snap snap / you were unhappy only when we broke up / I'm not abusive / crying to manipulate you' the be all and end all when it comes to love for you?

Why is he the ultimate limit of love and happiness? Why do you think you NEED to be this miserable? Why do you deserve it?

I'm interested to know and you should be too

I guess at least he isn't got any worse... I was worried because some men get scary around the football, especially if England lose.

@AsleepAllDay I agree with you but I think your last post is a bit harsh. She's doing her best. These things take time and there's no need to get angry.

If i weren't married, I'd be looking in to breaking up ... but maybe it took marriage to feel this way.

I think you're probably right. And whilst I can understand your anger and frustration with yourself at that, I also think you deserve more compassion.

What counts is that you've finally seen him for who he really is and understand (even if you haven't quite accepted it) that this is not the life you want or deserve, and that you are not the cause of his behaviour.

Let's be honest, it is shit that you realised all this after marrying him, but what's not shit is that you've realised it so soon after marrying and before getting pregnant. That part is fantastic.

So actually this is the perfect time for you to make that leap: you now have the understanding and growing strength that will mean it's permanent this time, and it's before you have children with him which means once you're gone you are permanently gone - you won't be tied to him forever by children and have to deal with this shitty behaviour for the rest of your life. You CAN completely escape this and build that happier life with children in it, but not a trace of him.

Soooo, you are married. Until death do us part.

Clearly you feel you can't break up when just married. What is the acceptable break up point?How many years do you feel you have to live like this before it is OK to tell people you are getting divorced? How will you prepare for that date?

Do you have to have a child first?

What are the rules you have imposed on yourself?

Thinking about the questions posed by AsleepAllDay and RabbitsAreTasty (but how could you eat cute little bunnies ) may be helpful.

In particular, the one about being punishing/ punishing yourself. I still punish myself by working non-stop. I realised it is because then I don’t have to think.

What are the rules I have imposed on myself to stop working non-stop? The point where I will relax is always just over the horizon, when I have just done x, y or z. I realised the other week I had at least five years of stuff to do. This was me, having left xH and all the stuff he thought I should be doing, still giving myself loads of goals and targets and stuff to do, because me, my life and everything in it is somehow not good enough.

= I am somehow not good enough/should be better/ different /should not have had bad things happen to me /should have known better

= do not want to think about the fact they did happen because it hurts too much

= realisation they did happen, it was not my fault and not my burden to carry about.

It is helpful to think about these questions.

I don’t have any wise words about your marriage. There are many already written. I am just going to put some

@littledinosaurs I'm not angry! Just asking some difficult questions which the OP may be grappling with. I'm certainly not perfect & have my own issues with confidence & so on to work on

OP is doing really well to be in therapy & thinking critically about her marriage. I know breaking up takes time and lots of forgiveness and compassion for yourself & that's what I always say

Sometimes you need a little push is all

Thanks for all of your messages ... I do need to think over those questions.

I met a friend tonight after work & I ended up opening up to her. I didn't tell her much, just about how he dropped our plans to do his family member a favour & how he did nothing for my birthday etc & some of the demands his family are making on me. I didn't mention any of the shouting, criticising etc. Even with that, she said, 'you can't live that way.' My counsellor used the same line...

My first boyfriend was when I was 15. A friend of his asked me how I put up with 'all the abuse' from him. Another friend of his told me he treated me like sh*t & I put up with it. Even at 15, I was shocked by that as I was always quite reflective. Low self esteem. Bad parental relationship role models....who knows?

In any case, seeing my friend's reaction was a bit of an eye opener all right...

Someone asked what my minimum amount of time in a marriage is. I suppose about three years! Certainly seems better than three months...!

One of the answers to the questions is how well H gets on with my parents. Honestly being around them can be very stressful for me & my sister. He makes that so much easier & he goes the extra mile to be nice to them...having said that, he doesn't see them too often!

He's not a bad man but he does have his priorities muddled. He's largely abandoned me since we got married. He'll be crying in the foetal position again if I say I'm leaving. Not sure I have the strength for all of that aaaaagain.

Thanks again.

He's not a bad man? Dear me. You do need a therapist. Years ago even a 15 year old boy knew you couldn't tell a bad man from a good man.

He is a bad man. You married a bad man. You are the wife of a bad man. Look in the mirror and say it out loud.

Ok, you could be me.

I married my abuser. Everyone liked him. He destroyed me, so I never had the confidence to leave.

I hates being alone and he 'took care' of me. Except he didn't. He was so frightened of losing me, he would rather destroy me than see me happy.

I did have kids. I don't regret them, but I would have left earlier if I hadn't of had them. He kept convincing me that we had to work at it for their sake. He even had counselling, which just made him change the way he abused me.

Last year, I left. Its been so hard. I have been so lonely. But tonight, I am happy. I now have my own home, my son is curled up in bed with me. No one has told me how useless I am, in months. I am less lonely, even when on my own. My best friend is amazing and we have got closer. She reminds me of how far I have come. The people around me support me and don't drag me down.

Its been a hard year. But it's been so worth it. Please don't stay. It feels so hard to leave, but it's harder to stay and it does get better.

I am less lonely, even when on my own.

There is nothing quite as lonely as a bad marriage.

He'll be crying in the foetal position again if I say I'm leaving.

Slundle, you can't fix this man. No amount of love or persistence on your part is going to fix him.

I saw a piece of advice once on a website that was useful to me:
Do not try to fix a broken man; you won't succeed and he will break you.

'I hate you - don't leave me' is what his communication with you boils down to.

This will drive you crazy in the end if you continue to engage with him and the idea of a relationship with him. You will lose your own individual life and be sucked into his vortex. For the sake of saving your own life and sanity, you need to disengage, mentally check out of the relationship, and then physically leave.

To the point about H getting on well with your parents, whilst you and your sister are stressed. Did your father not also behave in an abusive controlling way to you, and your sister and you are reacting out of conditioned anxiety and hyper-vigilance? It is easy for H to be nice as a)he does not have the years of cumulated abuse and b) he is cut from the same cloth and c) it serves the purpose of undermining your feelings because look, he can cope with them, what on earth are you on about?

Have you ever watched the movie Frozen? If you have not got children, you may not have seen it. You need to watch the way Anna falls for Prinz Hans and how he treats her. By the time he has her locked in a cold room, and she is pleading with him that he said he loved her, he tells her she was so desperate for love, she would have believed anything. (Which is also dependent on her childhood)

You know what, when he is crying in the foetal position, you get up and walk away. You keep walking and you get on with your life (and therapy). You don’t need the strength to deal with it again, because his emotions are his responsibility.

The longer you stay, the longer he has to grind down your self-belief and make it all about him. But I understand wanting to have the security and support of marriage; I understand wanting to present as normal when your life has not been. You probably don’t want to be the person who walks out and ignores all the emotional pleadings because you are so nice. He knows you, he knows which buttons to press to make you stay, the only thing you can do is stop the buttons working.

You know, when you leave, you don't have to explain yourself to him, or cope with his wailing and emotional blackmail. You can just walk away and refuse to engage with him. He'll try to paint you as the bad guy for doing that, because it's the only leverage he'll have left. But you can just let it go (to build on Katara's Frozen theme!)

Don't let your compassion for him override your compassion for yourself.

Don't wait three years out of pride, Slundle. Given that you want a child, your delay might come at a huge cost.