Only two months married and miserable...

[Slundle]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this post but I feel like I have to be honest somewhere...

I got married two months ago to my longterm boyfriend. We're longterm but we broke up about four times over the course of 12 years. Every time we broke up, it was me who did the breaking up.

So, married life has been terrible. Quite simply, we are not getting along. I find my husband notoriously difficult to communicate with. Regardless of what the issue is, his way of dealing with it is to scoff and shout. It's gotten to the stage where I'm not sure if I even like him all that much. We get on fine when everything is perfect but we all know, life isn't perfect.

I know it'd be easy for one of you to write 'leave him' but it really isn't that simple. We had a long, tough break-up before. I felt so brave and empowered but I came crawling back to him because I genuinely felt so lonely and I knew he loved me. I suffered with loneliness and anxiety. It's not easy being single in a couples' world. He also used the line 'I want to take care of you.' I do wonder if I'm demanding in an emotional sense (I'm not materialistic but I can be needy and he has told me that. Unfortunately I agree).

We tried couples' counselling before we married and the counsellor did not work for us...when I went for individual counselling, they very much urged me to leave him. Yet in couples' counselling, with a different counsellor, it felt like she very much took his side and felt sorry for him that I had broken it off in the past. I know there shouldn't be sides in counselling but it really felt that way...each session was like her counselling him and I was more or less in the background...he has used that as ammunition against me.

Anyway, there's a lot of detail left out here but the reason I'm posting is I would really like to hear from people in similar situations:

• Have any of you had a rocky start to marriage?
• Have any of you managed to turn your marriage around?
• Did any of you end a marriage where there was no-one else involved (I know it's common to leave someone for someone else but I'm just genuinely very unhappy).

Anyhow, thanks for reading. I really appreciate that. My stress levels have gone through the roof and I'm angry at myself for letting my life turn out this way. As far as my friends and family are concerned, I'm happy as Larry. If only they saw the daily arguing that goes on behind closed doors.

I do think divorce is probably the best option all right.

As for my cousin, I've explained this before & probably shouldn't have mentioned she was a therapist because a) she didn't know the extent of the abuse at all and b) when she said that, she was acting as the close confidante she is who is highly emotionally invested & not as a therapist. I'm completely okay with everything she said. I love her & she loves me and that's very much not the issue. I do know to take her advice with a bucket of salt now though!

‘How’s married life?’

‘It’s crap, I realised H is a controlling shit with a complete disregard for the law and safety. I am planning my escape’

And if it gets back to H, ‘oh dear, that was just a joke, you know like driving over the limit. Not funny, dear?’

:-( I know ...

I had s major issue before when he went out with a certain family member who repeatedly drinks & drives. When I tried to talk about it, yep you guessed it, he flew off the handle & said he'd never tell me things in future ... When he cooked down, he admitted how wrong it is but then does it himself ...

I'm looking up 1 bed apartments to rent & they are exorbitant

Dear God. You are still minimising. Massively. The drink driving is not an issue requiring parental reprimand. You should call the police. He is breaking the law and risking lives. You do see this. Would you see another adult drive drunk and ignore?

I am a parent of adults. My DD is learning to drive. I'd report her in a heartbeat if she did this.

In the short term you could consider a house share or a studio? Or change area a little bit?

The cost will be far greater if you stay where you are. If you can afford anything even semi-close to where you work it will be better than staying with him.

I'd consider anything ... have looked at a fairly wide range of areas ... before I moved back with H, I was house hunting. I viewed absolute dives with queues of 30 people out the door. It's not an easy time for renters. I'm not making excuses. I'm just saying I've experienced the stressful reality of it & I know it'll take some time to get a room anywhere. Even studio apartments are prohibitively expensive. Sometimes I wonder about the world we live in!

@littledinosaurs I already travel a great distance to work. I'm open re location. Thanks very much. You're right. I'll do my best.

OP even a room to rent in a sharehouse can be a short term fix... I've lived in some garbage places but the freedom of being able to close the door on my own space was always the best feeling! Make do with what you can

Also drink driving is unforgivable...

Also he's not going to change. If 12 years and marriage together hasn't made him make the necessary changes, he never will. He's far too comfortable in his position as the abuser who has a hold over you and has you trained in how he wants things. He won't change for you or anyone. When you leave, do it for real

Stick with an exit strategy, even if it is a slow one. Each day, each week, each month you will find it just a little bit easier because it will become more the 'norm'. Expect some 'kick-back' but stay firm. There may well be emotional blackmail, financial blackmail and more besides. But just stick with your strategy. Friends and family may well be ambivalent - or worse - but they are not you and don't see the full picture.

I can't disagree with anything ye have written...when I spoke to my sister, she said there could be no question but that it's wrong etc. She also said, as many of you have, that I rely too much on what other people think. She said I shouldn't have needed her to validate that for me.

The drink driving is one example. There's another one like it that I can't share here but there really are too many reasons to go but yes, I still do love him...even if a part of that love is wanting so desperately to have someone to love.

I'm going to focus on my self esteem & anxiety in therapy. I need to get out without falling to pieces or being a total anxious nervous wreck.

If you wait till you don't love him you might never leave.

Actually if you care for him you would want to stop him drink driving. Stop him possibly killing someone. It is a criminal offence. And now you are suggesting something else. Again. WA and FP. Please.

I've googled it & apparently the etiquette is people don't give back wedding gifts. Depends if mine went to weddings of people who divorced & they never got the gifts back (nor expected to).

Why did you waste your time doing this? You are far too conscientious. You are far too anxious to do right by other people. Nobody who gave a gift will give a second thought to it.

If I gave a wedding gift and heard that the bride had left a few months later my first thought would be that the groom must have done something horrendous to warrant that, and my only concern would be for the well-being of the person leaving it all behind.

What are your options workwise? I mean, if you find a job further away which means you have to move yourself so you can live separately from H because of your work (and also in a cheaper area)?

I would love not to leave my job. I get on great with everyone & it's as calm an environment as is possible in my industry.

Believe me I do care about the drink driving but he doesn't listen. If I try to talk to him, he laughs or flies off the handle. When I spoke to him about it, he said 'you're right.' He knows fine well it's wrong. It's just one example of many of him doing as he pleases.

I am at the end of my tether. What can't be seen on MN is how anxious I get & how difficult it could be to live alone. I do need to work on this. I am moving forward with this. I'm not going to take any of this from H because he is treating me like crap. I know that now. The big question is why I'm willing to put up with it & why I find it so difficult to leave. That's what I now need to work on.

Slundle I think your reluctance is the fear of the unknown.
Lets face it all of us get anxious when we are faced with something like , a new job, new area , new home etc.
DH is your "usual" and has been for a long time, he is enmeshed in your family, and I know (from personal experience) how difficult it is when all those around you think that your awful partner is a "nice guy".
Keep on with your counselling, and start to look for somewhere to live be it a flat, or if that is too expensive perhaps a shared house. Let those you work with know that you are looking for accomodation, you never know..
We are all on here urging you to leave as we all know that you will feel so much better when you are away from him, but you take your time and do it when you feel emotionally ready to do so.
Don't procrastinate though, in the great scheme of things you are the only one that matters, and life is too short to wait on the sidelines.

Of course you have anxiety!

How on earth could you not when living under such circumstances?

I bet your mental health will get a lot better when you are away from his nonsense. It will probably be hard at first because you are not used to thinking for yourself. How often do you make a decision without taking into account his reaction? Is it only at work?

Yes, I understand about the job. I keep mine because I can juggle it with DC, much as I would like to re-locate.

I had really bad anxiety, and it got worse after I left during peak harassment and hostility from xH. It only really stopped when we went through court and he had to stop contacting me directly, and I realised I was only anxious when it was anything to do with xH. Now things are more settled, he wants direct contact again, and I am keeping things locked down for my own sanity.

It is really hard being on my own with DC and everything that needs done. It is hard turning off the xH voice in my head that I am not doing things properly. It is hard to stop the mental clock which was his timetable, not mine. It is hard to not feel anxious when it is coming up to handover at contact time. It literally is, as you say, carving out a new path, and somehow trying not to care that it is a poorer, messier, more disorganised path than married parents would have offered DC, because the only person who is beating myself up about that is me. (And xH, of course, everything is my fault).

Ah, f*ck it, I just realised what a waste of energy it is trying not to be anxious at contact handovers, or at least letting it spill over into time which is not contact handovers.

Blimey what depressing reading. You've had some excellent advice here. A few things I'd say...

I know plenty of people who have split. I care not a jot about the toaster I bought them for a wedding present. Honesty.

People gossip. Then it's old news. Whenever you split people will have an opinion. If you're going to leave eventually, why can't eventually be now? What are you waiting for? Enough time to pass? You said earlier that 3 years didn't seem bad. To who? Why 3? People will say whatever they're going to say whether it's now or in thirty years.

You'll hear stock phrases whenever you go. You can develop stock answers. Mine was along the lines of 'yes it's hard, but no-one really knows the ins and outs of what went on'

Having been through a divorce with children (and a dog) I have some idea of how you're feeling. It gets worse before it gets better, but don't waste time on this. Just rip off the plaster!

In Ops defence in Ireland renting is really hard at the moment. Everyone is doing AirBnB so long term rental properties are as rare as hens teeth and cost a bomb.

OP all my colleagues house share now. Even the ones who are around the 30 mark. It's just the only thing you can do whilst saving for a deposit. It has its upsides, it's very social.

Are you in Ireland?

Renting in Ireland is definitely hard. People get a flat, or a room, through word of mouth. You need to put word out through your work, and don't be too fussy.

People live miles from where they work. I have a cousin who lives in the arse end of a remote county who commutes to work in the Maynooth area. Any chance you could find somewhere in a college town and commute a further distance than you do now?

If you were to house share, you might not feel so lonely.

Same advice goes for Britain too though, and NI. Put out the word through work. Tell your colleagues you are serious and won't waste anyone's time.

London rental is also grim but I'm proof that it can be done! A room would let you have your own space & also look around the rental market before you commit to a 1 bed / maybe even a place you can get a puppy

You've wasted 12 years on this arse hole. Why on earth would you waste another 3? You only get one life, don't waste it! This man is never going to make you happy.