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Original poster

Should I sell my house for DP?

138 replies

starshine1926 · 05/06/2018 18:20

DP and I have been together 17 yrs, living separately. I spend half the week at his place.
I have a buy to let on an interest only mortgage. There will be about 40/50k equity in the house when I sell it. It has been rented out for 10 years.

I am living in my late DM house which I inherited, along with some cash. DM died 18 months ago and it has been very hard for me as I have no kids or siblings. No close family left. I still miss DM as I was her carer for a few years and her last years were traumatic. DM house is a 3 bed detached with a large plot in front which could accommodate 2 houses. Sorry to sound mercenary but this is relevant to the discussion IMO. I love the peace and quiet, the views and the spacious plot.

DP house is a shitpit in need of major renovation, fronting a very busy road. He has done absolutely nothing to it, because he 'did not intend staying there'.

So our problem is that we have never been able to agree on where to live together. Yesterday, I was dumped by DP because he is tired of being 'bored and lonely'. This has been brewing since DM died and he also now has a small inheritance which he can use to clear his mortgage. He has said he is going to find someone else to live with him to help pay the bills and look after him. I asked him 10+ yrs ago to move into my house but he refused, saying he didn't like the area. I offered to sell so we could buy together but he refused because he 'doesn't want to buy a home in Wales'. He automatically assumed I would sell DM house when she died: cue absolute fury that I have failed to do so. On the day of DM funeral, he was picking out the furniture to dump, which I found upsetting to say the least.

DM house is in a small country town, 20 mins drive from coast/city. But DP says he will never live in a 'fucking shithole village again'. He has lived half his life in Wales but is always slagging off the people and the country. Ironic really, as loads of English people have moved to my area.

I think if DP had been 100% committed to me I would be thinking differently. He has been verbally abusive, a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde person eg he left me alone at Xmas, 3 weeks after DM died. So I am very wary of selling my 'safe space' and asset for my old age.

I also own 2 commercial properties and DP is involved in running our business. If this split is final, it will mean a major headache and lots of extra work while I adjust, find help etc.

The flip side of this is my despair at the thought of being alone again. The MN horror stories re. OLD do not inspire confidence and I am in my 50's. AIBU to think there is no point to life without DP or family? I am in a no win situation. I will be hearbroken to lose either my house or DP. Obviously there are some benefits to the relationship or I wouldn't still be with him. But it's not very nice when he says he has wasted 17 years of his life on me waiting for our shared future. What do I do?

OP posts:
TheHodgeoftheHedge · 05/06/2018 18:22

Honestly? He sounds like an arsehole and this is the perfect time to be shot of him and invest some time in yourself and what makes you happy n

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 05/06/2018 18:27

" He has said he is going to find someone else to live with him to help pay the bills and look after him."

This tells you everything you need to know. He just wants someone to help pay the bills and to look after him. He's a knob.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 05/06/2018 18:28

Being 50 and single is a lot better than being with someone who only wants to be with you for whats in it for him.

You say there are benefits to you being in the relationship - can you tell us what they are?

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/06/2018 18:31

I also think he sounds like an arsehole - do you really want to be with someone who sulks, has no empathy and appears to want you more as a housekeeper and to share the bills than because he can't bear to live without you?

Just so you aren't on your own? Fgs, you could hire yourself a live in companion. Or get a dog. In fact, a dog sounds a lot better prospect than this bloke.

FabulouslyFab · 05/06/2018 18:34

Let him go.
You shouldn’t hang onto someone and pander to their wishes just because you are afraid of the future.
Once you have your freedom you can live wherever you want and do what you want! There’s a lot of world out there.
Don’t waste yourself on a bully. 💐
(I did laugh that he thinks he will be able to find someone to move in and look after him!)

rumred · 05/06/2018 18:35

Good heavens he sounds awful. Being with someone for the sake of it is in my opinion pointless. You have a lot going for you yet you've settled for a tosser.
Get the message he's clearly giving you and be glad to be rid.
Maybe this is a good time to reflect on your life and enjoy it on your own

Shumpalumpa · 05/06/2018 18:36

He has said he is going to find someone else to live with him to help pay the bills and look after him

This stood out for me too.

I bet he's lived in his shit pit for years because he's lazy. You are worth so much more than being this man's financial support and housekeeper.

I really would choose singledom (with the chance for meeting someone lovely) over this verbally abusive, messy arse.

Namethecat · 05/06/2018 18:38

You can restart your life without this person in it. From what you have said it very much sounds like he has spent the past 17 years chipping away at your self esteem so it seems like he is the only person who would be with you. Your post sounds very downtrodden. He sounds very mean spirited and uncaring. You deserve so much more than that. Leave him in his shithole and let your light shine.

ReadytoTalk · 05/06/2018 18:38

You've had a lucky escape if you ask me. If you're not living together after 17 years then why would you do it now?

Thingsdogetbetter · 05/06/2018 18:39

You have to remember that the few dozen horror mn stories about old are nothing compared to the million or so people who have had no problems using old!

If you stay with this verbally abusive, angry, unsupportive, mercenary man you have no hope of being in a happy relationship! None, zero, zilch hope.

Without him there is a world of possibilities for you to embrace. ' SOME benefits' really aren't enough to balance out only being needed to pay half his bills and look after him and throwing away your future security and a home you clearly love.

Millykitty · 05/06/2018 18:40

I would be 100x happier alone than with a shit partner like him.
Honestly being alone is nothing to be scared of. Especially when it sounds like he's not even really there when you need him the most.

Please don't sell your house. It sounds like your place of sanctuary. Whereas he sounds like the complete opposite of that.
Get rid of him. Honestly he sounds awful

madcatladyforever · 05/06/2018 18:40

I wasted 20 years on a sponging, selfish, lazy knob. I'm now single, extremely happy and don't worry one little bit about growing old alone.
I would not waste one penny on this guy as he has shown you no consideration whatsoever. You have financial independence and you'd be better off on yopur own with that.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Failingat40 · 05/06/2018 18:41

He has said he is going to find someone else to live with him to help pay the bills and look after him

You need to give him your blessing and wave him off to do just this.

It doesn't sound like a very good relationship to me at all. Get you ducks in a row with regards to the businesses and finish your relationship with him.

Then you can focus on you and what you want. There are plenty ways to meet people, not just OLD.

HollowTalk · 05/06/2018 18:41

He's disgusting and deserves to be dumped for his behaviour after your mum's death if nothing else. I am so sorry you lost your mum but think about it - would she want you to stay with a twat like that?

Are you happy to remain living in the same area that you're in now? There's a shortage of jobs in Wales, isn't there? Will you really have a lot of trouble replacing your partner at work?

Honestly, 50 is a great age to start again. Be kind to yourself; don't surround yourself with abusive people.

SevenStones · 05/06/2018 18:41

Sounds like a wanker, and a bone idle one at that. You're well rid of him!

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/06/2018 18:42

Also, he didn't love you enough to live with you 10 years ago (if I loved someone then 'I don't like the area' would be way down on the list of reasons not to live with them), he's kind of made his own bed, hasn't he?

Another one laughing at him getting someone in to share the bills and look after him. Is he envisaging a gorgeous twenty year old blonde, perhaps?

Bananarama12 · 05/06/2018 18:42

No no no. Keep your lovely home. Ditch the man.

PretABoire · 05/06/2018 18:42

You can do better

flamingofridays · 05/06/2018 18:43

No! Fuck Him! Be single and successful on your own.

You might meet someone when you least expect it but do not give up your dms house (Your house!) For this arsehole!

OrchidInTheSun · 05/06/2018 18:44

I'm single and in my 50s. Honestly, my life sounds a lot better than yours.

Keep the house and dump this horrible loser

fuzzywuzzy · 05/06/2018 18:44

What he’s saying is he’s with you for your money and when you didn’t sell your mums house and give him the money he no longer has any use for you.

Do you really want to be with a man who is bleeding you dry financially? What happens when he finds someone else with money and daft enough to let him leech off her.

Having read the hair raising threads on here of ex’s who have financially ripped off their unsuspecting partners, you’re well rid of him.

If you want a relationship you will find someone nice and kind your ex isn’t nice or kind.

PickAChew · 05/06/2018 18:44

I hope you told him, bye then.

He's a fucking loser and a user, to boot.

fourquenelles · 05/06/2018 18:46

What point would there be to your life if you stay with this nasty sounding man? Dancing to his tune? Looking after him? Doing the decorating and repairs? Grateful for the crumbs of affection he may throw your way?

He wants a nursemaid and handyperson not a partner. Trust me, a single life has much more point than you would have with this miserable git.

(I am so sorry he took it upon himself to decide what furniture needed to be dumped from your late DM's house. What a flaming liberty).

Missingstreetlife · 05/06/2018 18:46

He's a wanker. Let him go, you deserve better.

BeenThereDone · 05/06/2018 18:48

To be honest, he has a hell of alot more to lose than you. He is employed, kept and looked after by You... You my darling can do a lot better than this waste of breath. He is not a cock lodger he is just a cock.... Tell him to sling his hook and if he doesn't like it he can go fuck the fuck right off.