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Original poster

DP moving in and debts. Am i being unfair?

311 replies

Humbugington · 04/06/2018 11:02

Been with my partner about 12 months, we were planning on him moving in before the end of the year (september october time).

We have had a few small discussions recently about finances, how it would work etc. Everytime we do he tells me about a littlw bit more debt he "thought i knew about"

He pays £600 a month on his car by the time hes paid finance and insurance etc. (Its a stupid pride and joy car that can apparently only have the best parts and shell fuel etc.)
He also has a £3000 credit card debt and pays his mum back £200 a month for a £20000 loan for solicitors when things with his ex broke down (he has a 3 yr old son)
His phone is also on a £60 month contract.

This month after all his bills were paid he had £100 left to buy food and petrol Hmm

I am a single mum to a 18 month old, i work part time and get UC. I work really hard to stay out of debt. I have none and would like to keep it that way.

So i said maube we should put off him moving in for a bit until he gets his debts in better order. He said he can pay his debts off quicker though if he moves in because he wont be paying rent and stuff and then we can start saving for a.mortgage sooner etc. He also says he got the debt before he got with me and there is nothing he can do contracts hes tied into to (i suggested he sell his car and get a cheap run around)

I kind of see his point but i still feel like its just dragging me into all his debt which feels messy and makes me uncomfortable. AIBU to want him to clear his debt a bit first?

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 04/06/2018 12:50

Why is he expecting to live with you rent free? Shock

I agree with everyone else

Do not let him get a foot in the door

Frosty66612 · 04/06/2018 12:50

@tolchock he probably took a contract out on the latest phone when they are hideously expensive. The new iPhone was something like £70 a month on contract when it first came out. A sensible person in his situation would wait for the phone to come down in value and then take a contract out for half the price. Or they would just accept that they can’t have ridiculously expensive things and must just settle with something basic until his debts are cleared. He sounds incredibly reckless

gandalf456 · 04/06/2018 12:52

YANBU. He can't afford to move in with you. There are plenty of ways he can reduce his debt but he's not doing it. You are not his get out clause.

Starlight2345 · 04/06/2018 12:52

I will point out unanimous posts on mn are rare . That tells you a lot.

What when he needs a £300 part for car, what about when it needs not . He won’t be contributing to food that month and can you help will come in.

He has lots of options to pay off his debt sooner.
Get extra job or work extra hours
Sell car
Move in with his mum.
Sell stuff

His solution you can work 2 extra days and he can have a rent free , bill free life.

Relationships are not all about money however he is telling you a lot about himself.

How is he dating you where is the money coming from for that now ?

HyacinthsBucket70 · 04/06/2018 12:53

He may be a lovely person OP, but he's financially irresponsible and a grown man should not be borrowing money from his Mum.

When people tell you who they really are, you need to listen.

Plus if he's in debt, he potentially has a disastrous credit score - you won't be borrowing any money together and it could affect your borrowing potential if he's living at your address. I'd ask to see his credit score - we use ClearScore and it's free.

weemouse · 04/06/2018 12:53

because he wont be paying rent and stuff

This is all he hears in his own head

Run for the hills until you can have solid proof he has no debts

snowgirl1 · 04/06/2018 12:53

He said he can pay his debts off quicker though if he moves in because he wont be paying rent

It sounds like he thinks he won't have to pay rent, because you'll just carry on paying your rent as you have been. Is that right? If so, I'd run a mile.

He's also paying his mum back over 8 years. And he's prioritized a fancy car over paying this back more quickly.

I think your very different approaches to money will cause a lot of tension in your relationship. I speak from experience - my previous partner had debt and would spend money he didn't have. It caused lots of tension and arguments. My DH lives within his means - we never argue about money. It's a much more harmonious relationship as a result.

PositivelyPERF · 04/06/2018 12:55

because he wont be paying rent and stuff

So he’s planning on moving into yours and living rent free while you cover all the bills? He can then pay of HIS debts, while improving HIS quality of life. FUCK NO!

Boulshired · 04/06/2018 12:55

I would not even want a relationship with someone who runs a car costing seven grand plus a year leaving such a small amount of ready use money when he has a child.

MadeForThis · 04/06/2018 12:58

So he is going to love rent free while you work 2 extra days to pay off his debt.

Would you give him a few hundred every month to pay his debt now? Instead of spending it on your dc?

That's what you are doing by letting him move in.

If he doesn't move in, when your mum retires in September you can work 2 extra days and have all that money to spend on your dc. And keep your council tax discount.

3stonedown · 04/06/2018 12:58

Do not do it OP! I say this as someone who had debt when I moved in with DP. Difference is I was 100% upfront in the start of the relationship with exactly how much I owed and I pay half of the bills, and he didn't lose anything by having me move in.

In your situation you would be mad to even consider it.

Parkrunner25 · 04/06/2018 12:59

No. Just No.

YOU'RE going to work doublesand be no better off, so that he can make zero sacrifices and continue to live his lovely life at the expense of your time and money?

JUST.SAY.NO.

Imagine what difference those extra wages could make to life and experiences of your child growing up.

No. No no no no no.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 04/06/2018 13:00

Don’t let him move in. As a single parent, any new partner should enhance your life rather than mess it up.

By all means continue to date him if you choose to, but don’t be fooled by any promises of paying his way. His actions already tell you exactly who he is.

My guess is that if you tell him you’ve changed your mind about him living with you because of his debts he will become quite nasty and accuse you of only caring about money.

TemptressofWaikiki · 04/06/2018 13:01

Awwww bless his ickle lil socks. Probably nestled in the latest expensive trainers. So, he intends to move out from his old mum’s house to a new mummy to take care of everything… Hmm

TammySwansonTwo · 04/06/2018 13:02

Seriously though, why wouldn’t he pay rent if he works full time?

If he wants to move in, then he needs to do the following:

  • He pays “rent” in the amount of all the benefits you lose due to him moving in. He’s costing you money. He needs to rectify that. It’s probably less than he’s paying now if he’s living alone.
  • He pays half of all bills.
  • He gets a credit report so that you can see all of his accounts, and whether he has defaulted etc. If he has, your chances of getting a mortgage are significantly reduced.

If you’ll be better off because you can work more, you can put that in savings (clearly he’s unable to save). If he wants to buy a property down the line, he needs to make sacrifices now.

His phone provider may agree to him moving to a cheaper tariff - the handset repayments cost won’t go down but the tariff may. Make sure he moves to a sim only deal as soon as the handset is paid off / contract is up. See what he can do about the car.

I think you can move in with him but you have to be firm now - He pays his way, you don’t end up worse off because of him, he is totally transparent about his debts, and he overpays his debts to get them paid off sooner.

Present this to him - if he’s not keen to move in under these terms, you know he’s a cocklodger.

GladAllOver · 04/06/2018 13:02

What do you think OP?
You asked for advice. Are you going to take it?

Lacucuracha · 04/06/2018 13:04

So he is going to live rent free while you work 2 extra days to pay off his debt.

Succinctly put!

MapleLeafRag · 04/06/2018 13:04

You say you work hard not to have any debt so definitely swerve him moving in, as the risk you will get into debt increases massively.

I’m curious as to how he ran up £20,000 legal bills, and what sort of car he drives - must be top of the range to pay £600 per month. He really sounds like “Billy-stupid-with-money”. If he does move in it won’t be long before you’ll be regretting
his spendthrift ways.

Also how on earth does he think he will get a mortgage with so much debt and no deposit?? He’s seriously deluded!

catinboots9 · 04/06/2018 13:07

Oh god these threads depress me so much. Especially when the OP doesn't return and you just know they're going to ignore all the advice because 'love will conquer all' or some shite like that

timeisnotaline · 04/06/2018 13:07

So not only you but your mum are basically paying him to move in ? You by paying the full rent and working extra to cover lost benefits and your mum by time in childcare. What’s he paying for? Oh yes, a fancy car.
He is probably planning to try and borrow the next £10k from your mum, having tapped his out.

Itsallaswizz · 04/06/2018 13:09

So he's expecting your work and benefits to subsidise his lifestyle of choice? What a bloody cheek! No way should you move someone like this in to your daughter's home!

Buxtonstill · 04/06/2018 13:12

Please please don't do it. If he doesn't have the morals to pay back his mother with any speed, choosing to prioritise having a fancy car instead then he won't have any intention of treating you right when it comes to finances. If he is paying his mother back £20k at £200 a month then he will be paying her for 20 years. It will cost you more when he moves in; it will all add up. The extra load of laundry a week, the extra water/utilites for him having a shower a day, the extra food. No doubt his DS will also be living with you some of the time, which will cost you.

Iwantaunicorn · 04/06/2018 13:15

I’m sure he’s a very nice man, and you have a future together, but as PP have said, DON’T MOVE IN WITH HIM!! At least not yet, till he’s got rid of the expensive car, the expensive phone, and has cleared most of his debt!

If he’s only got £100 left after paying for his debt and lifestyle choices (toys) to pay for food and groceries, he’s going to be a massive drain on your resources, and seeing your daughter off because there’ll be less money to go round, as you’ll be funding another adult. Please don’t do it!

Cornishclio · 04/06/2018 13:18

No way should you let him move in. He sounds like he is expecting you to cover his bills. How is he going to pay for the food he eats and water and energy bills not to mention the UC you lose and single discount on council tax. You are brilliant in having no debt. Don't let him drag you down. Tell him to get rid of the car as he obviously cannot afford it.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 04/06/2018 13:18

He said he can pay his debts off quicker though if he moves in because he wont be paying rent and stuff and then we can start saving for a.mortgage sooner etc

What the fuck? He has debts of what, £23k so far you know about? Maybe a tad less if he’s paid a bit of the £20k off but at £200 per month inc interest that’s not gonna come down very quickly is it?

It’ll take ONE HUNDRED MONTHS to pay off that £20k, without interest involved. Let’s say ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY MONTHS, aka ten years.

Yet he is happy spending thrice his loan payment (to his mum!!) on his car each month?

His priorities are screwed and he has no clue about finances and debts or anything in the real world.

So you are considering having a man you’ve known a year move in with you, who is financially irresponsible, with the carrot dangled that in a decade maybe he can START saving for a mortgage with you.

get rid. Don’t even not move him in, dump him. If he actually had remorse and understood his situation and had solid plans to sort it out then I’d be less harsh but he’s an idiot and he will drag you down. You can do better.