Separate budgets not working - even thinking about divorce

[silverturtle]

Please talk me out of petitioning for divorce first thing tomorrow.

I have two pre-school children with DH, currently expecting our third.
We both have great jobs and rewarding careers. Our salaries are roughly the same (or at least should be).

The problem is, I am financially responsible for everything and DH just does not seem to care. It evolved this way naturally since our dating / bf-gf times, when we kept our finances separate. Then we bought our house, and it just happened that the payment was set up from my account; DH initially had a standing order of 50% into my account, but then he changed the bank, we re-mortgaged, and at that time I thought it was churlish to remind him, as we were already married, had DS and intended to live happily ever after. Then I set up all the utilities, and naturally they came from my account too... then I returned to work and felt that paying for the childcare is my responsibility. Then the house got unbelievably filthy with a small baby and two working parents and I had to find a cleaner. Then got pregnant with number two... rinse, repeat.

At the moment, despite earning a very good salary, I am just making ends meet, and am often overdrawn on the day before the payday. I am paying childcare fees x2, mortgage, gas, electricity, groceries, council tax, domestic help and, of course, all personal expenses. DH pays the water bill (for historical reasons) and for his own car.

I raised this topic, probably, a thousand times. At best, I get asked how far I am in the red and receive a one-off transfer to tide me over; at worst, there are suggestions on how to save money and run the house in a better, more efficient, way.

DH has just left for his brother's destination wedding. Alone. We received the invitation a couple of months ago, and I calmly explained that I won't be able to afford even the flight cost (around £700 per person), never mind other expenses, because THAT is how much I earn and THIS is how much I spend every month. And until today I hoped that there will be some sort of a last minute surprise... but, sadly, no.

Please tell me that I am just stupid, hormonal, greedy and totally overreacting.

egg I agree with you, but I also think that the OP needs to be "woken" almost from the abuse. She DOES need to get very angry very quickly, this morning in fact, this guy is clearly very clever at what he's been doing. So I suppose I wanted to come across as harsh

You alone can sign a passport form.
Are your children eligible for another passport too?

Haven't read the thread yet but I am for you OP. Your DH is an absolute c*nt for not taking responsibility for 50% of your childcare and living costs. I don't know how you've carried on as long as you have.

OP it may be worth calling womens aid for advice and also right of women for advice.

You have been abused financially and emoitonally at the very least.

This thread is making my blood run cold. Rally around friends and relatives in real life and please please get legal advice ASAP.

BTW the finance formsounds like it is a 'form E', it takes forever to fill out if you're a lay person, it is for the financial split in a divorce. I would not even attempt to fill it out myself. But be warned if you turn up to court without having filed one the judge will be angry with you. So get yourself a spectacular lawyer and cover yourself.

And also you are way out of the arsewipe STXH's league. Don't ever put yourself down, especially compared to a man who leaches off his wife and children.

That is awful! I hope you're baring up ok. Speak to close family or friends, you need support at this time.

I doubt he can force you out of the house so I'd stay put and see a solicitor when you feel up to.

Just think things will get better and you'll probably wish you'd ended it sooner.

Good luck

helloBuddy, he has started the divorce proceedings and is trying to drain her for everything. She needs legal advice now. This is not a game of When I feel for it. It's ready or not, here we go!

Your husband is a cunt.
This is one of the worst men I've read about on here

OP, you’re dealing with an abuser.
Call Women’s Aid who can put you in touch with an abuse-savvy lawyer to start with but you’ll probably need a forensic lawyer too for the hidden assets. You may qualify for legal aid because of the abuse too.

I'd bet there's another woman and she's at the wedding with him. That's exactly what my DH said.

Good lord. Rarely have I read anything so awful on Mumsnet. Sickening. My heart goes out to you OP having to deal with all this whilst pregnant as well. Get a solicitor (a good one!!) now! 💐💐 x

What a shit!

Definitely report the passports as lost and order new birth certificates. At least that will take some control off him. Tell your family and friends for support. Get a lawyer and get angry 😡 Your shouldn't have to split 50/50 so don't agree to it. I think that there's another woman waiting (Might even be on holiday with him now) What an utter twat he is. I'm sorry op

Bloody hell OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please do try to see this as the first step to being free.

Now you need to get busy!

Passports cancelled.

Appointment with lawyer(s) tomorrow.

All your paperwork together.

Written down (but don't send, let your lawyer handle that) response to each of his vile claims.

You are well rid of him. Get angry.

I read your first post and replied. I can’t believe where things are now. 💐

Please get a shit hot solicitor right now OP and don’t let this twat get away with anything.

OP I’m so sorry, this is a very nasty man. To use post natal incontinence against you and say it embarrassed HIM is truly disgusting. You have a week to get everything in order and get a shit hot lawyer. If you’ve been paying everything, you can prove it with bank statements - go to the bank and they can print them in details for you. Call the passport office and tell them your children’s passports have been taken. Can you reach out to anyone IRL to support you?

I went to work, to keep myself in check, and spoke to a solicitor on the phone during my lunch break.
I am hesitant to proceed. I was quoted £8K to £15K for divorce and financial proceedings (barrister fees separately), they will tell more details in the client care letter.

At the moment my expenses are:
2 x full time childcare: £2300
Mortgage: £1300
Groceries: £700
Bills: £300
Cleaner: £200
Transportation: £180

Which leaves me with less than £200 disposable income per month for everything else, and there always is an emergency expense every month. At this rate, it will take me several years just to pay for my divorce :)

The fact I paid for everything historically 1) does not matter as it was within the marriage 2) if the case goes to court, it will be to my detriment as I demonstrated to be self sufficient and not in need of any maintenance over the minimum child support.

You need to get better advice OP. That sounds like a really shit solicitor. Take the day off tomorrow. Call women's aid, do some research. Someone said upthread if you can tell us which region or city you are in or near people can make recommendations.

That's a crap solicitor.
Phone round as many as you can and get some advice from all of them.
See if any offer a free half hour.

I will admit - divorce can certainly be a bit expensive.
It think mine was around £8K in the end.
But my ExH was living off grid in another country so it was NOT easy!

Have a chat with Rights of Women or Womens Aid and see if they can recommend any solicitors in your area who specialise in dealing with abusive assholes!

Some will also agree to take payment after the settlement has been finalised so look into that as well.

I am in London, on the London / Kent boundary if precisely.

Yes but he'll still have to pay maintenance do the kids if he's the higher earner and you have custody (or any custody over 50/50) and even if you do have 50/50 you'll still be better off as he'll be paying for the kids on his days with them.
But yes as pp said-that doesn't sound like good advice.shop around.
Divorce costs are usually split between the two of you as well-or if he's the petitioner he will be paying the bulk of it (bar any advice you get for yourself iyswim)

You need to get better legal advice than that, OP.

This is really shocking. On what grounds does this cocklodger want a divorce?

Sorry, I realise I'd missed a couple of your posts. I'm absolutely horrified by this.

The fact I paid for everything historically 1) does not matter as it was within the marriage 2) if the case goes to court, it will be to my detriment as I demonstrated to be self sufficient and not in need of any maintenance over the minimum child support.

But presumably all the money he's earned is also "within the marriage" i.e. his money is half yours. You weren't paying for everything because you were being nice to him and giving him that as a present. You were paying for everything because he was being abusive. Make sure another solicitor you speak to is aware of his abuse.

You need to get better legal advice if you don’t get angry and take control now he will walk away with everything.

It doesn’t matter if you paid for everything there are children involved you need to speak of a solicitor who is an expert in abuse cases.

Really stop being pssive otherwise your ex will walk away with the house, the kids and a shed load of money he has squirrelled away whilst you have paid for everything.

He has started divorce proceedings if you do not instruct a solicitor he will get everything his way. You either instruct a solicitor or prepare to self represent. You are going to be spending money on a divorce regardless of whether you can afford it or not.

Call women’s aid call right of women.

I don’t think you realise how serious this is. It’s happening whether you take action or passively let it happen to you.