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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Separate budgets not working - even thinking about divorce

354 replies

silverturtle · 03/06/2018 21:04

Please talk me out of petitioning for divorce first thing tomorrow.

I have two pre-school children with DH, currently expecting our third.
We both have great jobs and rewarding careers. Our salaries are roughly the same (or at least should be).

The problem is, I am financially responsible for everything and DH just does not seem to care. It evolved this way naturally since our dating / bf-gf times, when we kept our finances separate. Then we bought our house, and it just happened that the payment was set up from my account; DH initially had a standing order of 50% into my account, but then he changed the bank, we re-mortgaged, and at that time I thought it was churlish to remind him, as we were already married, had DS and intended to live happily ever after. Then I set up all the utilities, and naturally they came from my account too... then I returned to work and felt that paying for the childcare is my responsibility. Then the house got unbelievably filthy with a small baby and two working parents and I had to find a cleaner. Then got pregnant with number two... rinse, repeat.

At the moment, despite earning a very good salary, I am just making ends meet, and am often overdrawn on the day before the payday. I am paying childcare fees x2, mortgage, gas, electricity, groceries, council tax, domestic help and, of course, all personal expenses. DH pays the water bill (for historical reasons) and for his own car.

I raised this topic, probably, a thousand times. At best, I get asked how far I am in the red and receive a one-off transfer to tide me over; at worst, there are suggestions on how to save money and run the house in a better, more efficient, way.

DH has just left for his brother's destination wedding. Alone. We received the invitation a couple of months ago, and I calmly explained that I won't be able to afford even the flight cost (around £700 per person), never mind other expenses, because THAT is how much I earn and THIS is how much I spend every month. And until today I hoped that there will be some sort of a last minute surprise... but, sadly, no.

Please tell me that I am just stupid, hormonal, greedy and totally overreacting.

OP posts:
Strigiformes · 04/06/2018 13:53

So surely if he's entitled to half the house then you're entitled to half of his savings?

PurpleStarInCashmereSky · 04/06/2018 13:54

He has been financially abusive. That will go against him but you need to draw attention to it.

theredjellybean · 04/06/2018 13:59

OP I think that's bad advice too. While I think that the fact you paid for house while in marriage won't most likely mean in a divorce you'd get the house, Cus the starting point is 50/50 split of assets, immaterial who paid what. But remember that the house is an asset but so is all his savings. So if he squirmed away money he will have to share that with you so in affect you will benefit.
You need to just harden yourself right now and consider it fact.. Your getting divorced. You will probably have to sell house and you will get your share of equity.
Going forward you will get child maintenance presuming your dh won't want 50 percent residency.. Can't see how he would with a new baby anyway.
So he will pay csm and his time with them he will have to pay their nursery fees those days.
Plus your bills will be less as one less adult to feed, clothe etc.

Starlight2345 · 04/06/2018 14:00

Yes I agree I almost wrote it earlier wish I had now . More than one solicitor opinion is needed.

You don’t need spousal maintenance but you do need to fight to get what you are entitled to.

theredjellybean · 04/06/2018 14:01

So you will be financially better off divorced

MuvaWifey77 · 04/06/2018 14:01

Waw. You are none of those things OP. I can sort of understand how things could get to that point when you’re married and expect the other person to care about you, the kids , the House and expenses as much as you do... but when it doesn’t happen then you need to try and make it stop.
It’s 50/50 or it’s all together .
Im a SAHM but I have access to DH account and he has access to mine.. plus we have a joint account.. when I worked I still did not pay any bills. Because I’m better at saving money so I’d keep my wage and bills would come off his bank. Nothing would come out of mine. Goes into savings.

Sounds like your DH might be building a nest for himself ... not fair and incredibly selfish.

pinkpepperrose · 04/06/2018 14:02

I'm so so sorry you're going through this. This has to be one of the worst threads I've ever read on MN!
Definitely speak to another solicitor, try Women's Aid.

Do you have a good support network around you?

MuvaWifey77 · 04/06/2018 14:03

Ps:. If I were you I’d quit before getting a divorce. Better cut on the divorce plus spouse maintenance.

Cornishclio · 04/06/2018 14:05

He has planned this. Get rid of the cleaner. You cannot afford it.

Do not leave the house. You are primary carer. Apply for duplicate birth certificates. I would not go abroad at this time. If any of your family can come over to support you that is better. Don't get duplicate passports at this stage as it will be expensive. Prioritise legal fees. Legal advice is a must.

When he returns pay for Nothing for him. No food, cancel any non essential direct debits. Just buy enough food for you and kids. You need to make things as unpleasant for him as possible. It won't be easy as kids may pick up on this but THIS IS HIS FAULT.

Original poster
silverturtle · 04/06/2018 14:08

No support network in the UK, but plenty on Skype. We were a family of mercenaries. :)

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 04/06/2018 14:11

Do you have some friends or family support? Tell them what he has done. I am horrified at how awful he is. You need to get angry and assertive. Don't believe a word he says. I would personally shame him on social media.

"My twat of a husband pays £700 to go to a family wedding but has not paid a penny to mortgage or bills since our marriage. He then petitions for divorce and asks me to get out of house even though he has not paid towards it. I will not be leaving the home and he can stay abroad for as long as he likes. Don't bother coming back. The kids and I will be fine"

I am stewing on your behalf

pinkpepperrose · 04/06/2018 14:13

I'm so sorry Flowers

Having had a look at your budget, £700 sounds a lot for groceries, could you cut back on that at all? - Do the DCs get fed at childcare too?

There's a section on the gov.uk website where you can work out how much CS you would be entitiled to, so you can factor that in too - are there any payslips of his etc around the house you could keep copies of?

Cornishclio · 04/06/2018 14:17

I missed the £700 groceries. You can get that a lot cheaper via Asda, Aldi or Lidl. Don't buy anything for husband any more.

fuzzywuzzy · 04/06/2018 14:18

Also your spending on everything proves your expenditure so you can fill out your form E and provide proof that is your expenditure. His expenditure will be a tiny fraction in comparison and it will show he can afford a lot more as his income is untouched yours is being spent.

I would say it demonstrates why you are owed spousal maintenance and or a larger slice of the marital assets you have larger outgoings he does not.

Zaphodsotherhead · 04/06/2018 14:20

Do take into account though (and pertaining to a thread elsewhere on this site) that sometimes men like this just don't pay child support. Yes, they are supposed to, yes they are assessed at owing so much...but they don't always pay.

So everyone who says you'll be better off financially because he will have to pay maintenance and child support... it doesn't always work that way.

But OP, you will be so much better off emotionally, even if not financially, without this tosspot.

Cricrichan · 04/06/2018 14:25

His savings would be split with you, just like the house would. You need to speak to another solicitor. He's been potentially saving what £4k plus a month? Over how many years is that? I can't see a court not going in your favour based on this.

Cricrichan · 04/06/2018 14:27

At the very least you'll be no worse off and he'd have to pay for childcare. You could always downsize so your mortgage is smaller or look at moving closer to work or something so that your outgoings are less.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/06/2018 14:27

Please ensure you don't do anything else for him now.
Is there a spare bedroom in the house?
If so, then move all his stuff in there.
If it's a room you prefer then you move in there.
Make sure you do NOT do any of his washing.
No ironing.
Don't get food in for him at all.
No cooking for him.

How is the phoning round going?

SuitedandBooted · 04/06/2018 14:30

Hugs OP, that is appalling.

Can I just suggest that you pop over to Mumsnet Legal, and start another thread asking for advice, with a link back to here (so you don't have to re-post every detail).
There are lawyers who keep an eye on the legal board, like prh47Bridge, and Collaborate ,who will be able to give you much better advice.

Legal page here;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_matters

Good luck.xxx

KateGrey · 04/06/2018 14:39

Definitely speak to more than one solicitor. Similar to decorators etc you’d always want more than one quote.

I’m furious for you. What a complete bastard. I’d cut back to real essentials. Scrap the cleaner.

Original poster
silverturtle · 04/06/2018 14:40

I am quite sure he does not have any savings. Bank statements I saw before were always overdrawn to the tune of £10K- £15K, and his mum was always in some financial emergency with bailiffs knocking on the door.
His salary should be somewhere between £90K-£100K.

OP posts:
GetInMyNelly · 04/06/2018 14:43

Wtf!
I'm actually sooooo angry on your behalf!

Who does he think he is?!! He's literally living off you!!

I'd leave him.

Strigiformes · 04/06/2018 14:43

So why is he divorcing you then if he relies on you to pay for everything? He must have another woman who is prepared to fund his lifestyle.

Mueslibox · 04/06/2018 14:45

But they can demand statements from him to see whether the £5k a month has gone? That’s £60k a year with no expenses, there WILL be a trail of where it’s gone.

What an utter shitbag. He brought up your COMPLETELY NORMAL AND ALMOST STANDARD postnatal continence issues as a reason to divorce? Did I read that right?Wtf is wrong with him?!?!?!?

millymaid · 04/06/2018 14:47

Something's gone very wrong for you OP that you could think you are overreacting or greedy for wanting your partner to make a financial contribution to your life together. I'm so sorry your husband doesn't respect you or care much about your children. I honestly think you would be better off without him.