Separate budgets not working - even thinking about divorce

[silverturtle]

Please talk me out of petitioning for divorce first thing tomorrow.

I have two pre-school children with DH, currently expecting our third.
We both have great jobs and rewarding careers. Our salaries are roughly the same (or at least should be).

The problem is, I am financially responsible for everything and DH just does not seem to care. It evolved this way naturally since our dating / bf-gf times, when we kept our finances separate. Then we bought our house, and it just happened that the payment was set up from my account; DH initially had a standing order of 50% into my account, but then he changed the bank, we re-mortgaged, and at that time I thought it was churlish to remind him, as we were already married, had DS and intended to live happily ever after. Then I set up all the utilities, and naturally they came from my account too... then I returned to work and felt that paying for the childcare is my responsibility. Then the house got unbelievably filthy with a small baby and two working parents and I had to find a cleaner. Then got pregnant with number two... rinse, repeat.

At the moment, despite earning a very good salary, I am just making ends meet, and am often overdrawn on the day before the payday. I am paying childcare fees x2, mortgage, gas, electricity, groceries, council tax, domestic help and, of course, all personal expenses. DH pays the water bill (for historical reasons) and for his own car.

I raised this topic, probably, a thousand times. At best, I get asked how far I am in the red and receive a one-off transfer to tide me over; at worst, there are suggestions on how to save money and run the house in a better, more efficient, way.

DH has just left for his brother's destination wedding. Alone. We received the invitation a couple of months ago, and I calmly explained that I won't be able to afford even the flight cost (around £700 per person), never mind other expenses, because THAT is how much I earn and THIS is how much I spend every month. And until today I hoped that there will be some sort of a last minute surprise... but, sadly, no.

Please tell me that I am just stupid, hormonal, greedy and totally overreacting.

I’m rooting for your OP, what an utter shitbag.

When I got divorced I got as far as my third solicitor before I was happy. I ended up with the family home. Please get the right solicitor ASAP.

Am glad you have found your way to MN. Where there is loads of support for you, both general emotion and great advice from people who have been there.

Women's Aid to put you in touch with solicitors who specialise in abuse, because, yes, what he has been doing is abuse. You need s SHL (shit hot lawyer) on your side.

Might be an idea to have a look at their freedom program, too just to give you some background. Knowledge is power. All the very best.

I’m rooting for you too!!! What a monumental wanker!! YY to getting hold of a shit hot lawyer!!! You’re worth a million times more than this shit...Good Luck xx

Have you called women's aid? They may know of a shit hot lawyer who specialises in financial abuse.

Maintenance for you is unlikely.
Maintenance for your children however- hell yes

What cawfee said. I'd look into hiring a forensic accountant, this man's been hiding money for years. He is a weapons grade cunt. Don't communicate with him at all. Find another lawyer.

This has got to be one of the worst cases I've read on here about financial abuse, and there's been plenty in the ten years or so I've been kicking about.

I think you might be hiding from calling it what it is, i.e., financial abuse, because he (or you) have excused it for so long as him just "being shit with money", "forgetting", "slipping his mind". But it's very clear this is a deliberate choice now. He manages to pay for his car every month, doesn't he? So why can't he pay his half of the mortgage or utilities? Because he doesn't want to. Sometimes it's no more complex than that. You must leave, you know that. If you don't he'll pull you down with him, and if you do you'll be better off getting regular maintenance for the children instead of whatever crumbs of assistance he deigns to drop you.

He sounds disgusting quite frankly. How can you claim to love your wife and yet see her short and struggling for money every month? How can you look at your kids and know you've successfully avoided paying for their clothes, food and care? He either purposefully doesn't think about it or he's come up with a way to excuse that behaviour to himself, neither of which is good. I really struggle to believe that this is the only facet of his personality where he's a selfish arsehole.

How does it work with equity splits in cases like this where one partner has been paying the mortgage from their account and the other hasn't actually contributed? This is obviously different to cases involving SAHPs as those partners aren't earning and are providing assistance in the home or with children, but this pathetic individual hasn't been contributing to the running of the household practically or financially.

Yeah. He’s just been living off you and giving his mum his money...so when you split up he’s loaded.

Ooh just missed a rather mammoth update.

What a fucking skip rat.

It would be interesting if you hired a forensic accountant to see how much he might have squirreled away via his mum. Could be a nice surprise coming your way? Even if he isn't hiding money at least you'll be rid of him. He's going to have a big shock when he gets back.

Oh, you've had tons of good advice, but I didn't want to read and not say how awfully you've been treated. You've had some shit legal advice, get second (and third, if need be) opinions.

Do you have an Employee Assistance Programme through work? Ours has a legal helpline and also free counselling. You may not feel that you need it (I would, in your shoes), but apart from anything else, seeking support for the emotional and financial abuse would be helpful. Start getting used to hearing/saying it in terms that you may never have thought of/felt comfortable with, because I think you're going to need to.

I've been in a similar position - my ex wasn't working. I paid the whole deposit for the house and, in 17 years, he contributed to about 5 or 6 months of bills/mortgage. But he was (in name only) SAHD so entitled to chunk of equity. However, I made excuses and let him get away with it for years. For 2 years, he earned £20k and never gave me a penny (and I paid for the childcare so he could work, too). Made me feel like a nag/manipulative/untrusting whenever I raised it. So the cold language may feel really unpleasant for you, but you need to get OK with it.

With your bills (less the cleaner, you can cope!), if he paid for half the childcare, your situation would be instantly improved. He can afford that. A judge needs to see how despicably he's behaved. You need to be angry. And you can be sad and get some support, too.

Take care.

Op this is an awful situation but you are strong and you can fight to get what you deserve. I hope you have been ringing round and made some progress with the above given by pp.

This will be amazing for you op. Finally freedom.

So sorry to read this. It’s a horrible shock, especially when the ex is ahead of you so you feel a bit ambushed but you need to get your ducks in a row and start fighting back. Get more and better legal advice. Ignore how aggressive the letters are, the ones I received were so strong they almost convinced me black is white! Do not leave the marital home until you’ve had legal advice.

One of the things I wish I had done differently is got support around me faster. I was too embarrassed and too ashamed, once people knew what was really going on I had so much help.

Divorce is expensive, but less expensive than what you’ve been doing and you will get maintenance if you have the kids, however well you have handled things until now.

I’m sorry x

Ask for advice on the legal forum on MN.

and he’s also got every single woman on mumsnet hating him right now. Hope that karma bites him hard

You need a forensic accountant ASAP and a better lawyer, you need someone aggressive in this scenario. I know a couple, PM me if you want a name.

So, as he has no overheads, he must have £££££££££ in his Bank account. Divorce him and half of that hefty balance is yours.

WORST post I have EVER seen on MN. He is financially abusing you in the worst way possible.

Oh shit what a situation op. I can't believe he has ordered you to vacate the family home - the one he's been cocklodging in for years. And as for revealing details of your postpartum inconvenience and poor personal hygiene (let me guess, you didn't remove enough hair for his personal pleasure) words fail me.

Do not leave your home. Do not have him back.

He is moving money somewhere

It's not as simple as 'hire a forensic accountant'
Some people have been watching too many films

An accountant hasn't got any legal or moral right to start picking through someone else's bank statements just on the hunch of their estranged spouse.

Both parties will have to do a Form E, and potentially provide bank statements as part of their financial hearing
Until then, other than look through drawers In the house,there is nothing legal OP can do to find out where stbExH has got money stashed if those accounts are in his name
And if he has had the foresight to take passports, it's highly unlikely he has left incriminating bank statements

This is shocking. I hope you get the support you need. I will never understand why some people think treating loved ones badly is OK. He sounds so calculated.

Hope you are ok OP.

I don't know if this has been suggested but would a nanny possibly cost less that 2 x full time childcare?

Your H sounds like an absolute dickwad and I hope you screw him over completely

I cannot believe what I have just read. Where do these utter twats crawl out from? I'm sorry that you have to deal with this lowlife but you will come out the other side

Jesus! He’s going to be in for a shock when he’s on his own and having to pay for his own living costs! 😂 keep that in mind when you’re feeling low.