Separate budgets not working - even thinking about divorce

[silverturtle]

Please talk me out of petitioning for divorce first thing tomorrow.

I have two pre-school children with DH, currently expecting our third.
We both have great jobs and rewarding careers. Our salaries are roughly the same (or at least should be).

The problem is, I am financially responsible for everything and DH just does not seem to care. It evolved this way naturally since our dating / bf-gf times, when we kept our finances separate. Then we bought our house, and it just happened that the payment was set up from my account; DH initially had a standing order of 50% into my account, but then he changed the bank, we re-mortgaged, and at that time I thought it was churlish to remind him, as we were already married, had DS and intended to live happily ever after. Then I set up all the utilities, and naturally they came from my account too... then I returned to work and felt that paying for the childcare is my responsibility. Then the house got unbelievably filthy with a small baby and two working parents and I had to find a cleaner. Then got pregnant with number two... rinse, repeat.

At the moment, despite earning a very good salary, I am just making ends meet, and am often overdrawn on the day before the payday. I am paying childcare fees x2, mortgage, gas, electricity, groceries, council tax, domestic help and, of course, all personal expenses. DH pays the water bill (for historical reasons) and for his own car.

I raised this topic, probably, a thousand times. At best, I get asked how far I am in the red and receive a one-off transfer to tide me over; at worst, there are suggestions on how to save money and run the house in a better, more efficient, way.

DH has just left for his brother's destination wedding. Alone. We received the invitation a couple of months ago, and I calmly explained that I won't be able to afford even the flight cost (around £700 per person), never mind other expenses, because THAT is how much I earn and THIS is how much I spend every month. And until today I hoped that there will be some sort of a last minute surprise... but, sadly, no.

Please tell me that I am just stupid, hormonal, greedy and totally overreacting.

So he earns something like 5k a month and has nothing but a car to show for it, but you have never really questioned this?

Silverturtles.. If you have seen bank statements then you must have seen where his money is going out?

I am quite sure he does not have any savings. Bank statements I saw before were always overdrawn to the tune of £10K- £15K, and his mum was always in some financial emergency with bailiffs knocking on the door
His salary should be somewhere between £90K-£100K

In that case he has some kind of separate life going on, and/or drugs and gambling issues.

With regard to the "you've proved you can pay for it all, so you will get nothing" comment. I would ask several more solicitors, who specialise in family/divorce work.

Given that Coercive Control is now legally recognised, I don't see how a woman having to spend all her wages on the family shows she needs nothing!

SilverTurtle
Did you see my previous post about MN Legal board?xx

Seriously do not take one lawyers word for it. I have had tried out 4. Number one was a total doomsayer, scared the fucking pants off me, number 2 was joint with ex (divorced in France), number 3 just didn't do anything. Number 4 with me for 4 court cases from my very litigious ex husband. Brilliant, got me, had him totally pegged, could turn him into a monster in front of the judge in 3 words.

See as many as you need to to find the one. This is going to be a fight I think. Worry about this particular cost later and if you have any access to any joint funds you need to empty those accounts now. Even if it means that investments make a loss. He will not have any hesitation in doing it to you. BEWARE he will be out to fuck you over any way he can.

Crap solicitor. Agree about posting on Legal boards and calling Women's Aid to find a solicitor who understands that you paying for everything was not you being self sufficient but you being abused.

What do you mean 'hesitant to proceed'. He's proceeding anyway, has past form for financial abuse and is clearly already paying for a lawyer. You will be flayed without professional support here.

OK - assuming he takes home around £1150 per week.
And he will have the DC 1-2 nights a week, he would need to be paying you around £630 per month in child maintenance.
Not as much as I thought considering his salary but that's what the calculator says HERE
So at least you would be getting something.
You may also get more of a share of the property if you are primary carer to the DC and have put far more in that him.
And don't forget pension.
If you think yours in more than his then I would take that off of the table.
If you think he has more than you then consider including it.

I am sorry to read your more recent updates. Whatever happens next (it looks like he will try to make it unpleasant) YOU WILL BE BETTER WITHOUT HIM. Keep repeating this in your head because it is true. He is a nasty man.

A forensic accountant will be able to find out where the money has gone, or if he has other bank accounts. The court may award you the whole house if they can see that he's frittered the money away whilst you've been paying the mortgage, but I don't know. See a few different solicitors and see what they say.

You must find out how he spent his money.

Former colleague lived a very modest life with her engineer husband. He was also in debt etc, lot of contract time overseas...
Friend's mum set a Forensic Accountant on his trail. They unearthed £1.2 million held off-shore.

Firstly can you get him to pay some of the bills?

A solicitor should be write to his suggesting an interin schedule that all bills get paid from an account (list them) and his contribution will be xx.
That will give you some financial breathing space.

In terns of the longterm finances, put that aside for the moment and focus on getting the right solicitor.
Sadly if it goes to FDR you are looking at 20k but deal wih that when you have a forward plan..first step HAS to be mediation anyway.

he remains well out of my league on pretty much everything

This explains a lot about why you are letting this man financially abuse you. Are you really going to continue to pay all his living expenses, just in order to stay in a relationship with him? That is essentially what you are doing, paying to have him as a partner.

So glad you have found your way here and been able to open up about it. Your future starts here...all the best

He’s a user xx

DEFINITELY SPEAK TO ANOTHER LAWYER!

I keep coming back to this post.

I had to change solicitors once as my solicitor for a few reasons.

I was suggested 2 solicitors by him. once was much more direct, one was like a dog with a bone..

They do have different apporoaches.

OP if you contact Women’s Aid they will help you get a savvy lawyer. You might also get legal aid. I just read what your solicitor said ... it sounds like bullshit!
Most lawyers offer free 30 min face to face. Phone Rights Of Women ... they have lawyers who offer a decent consultation for free and may even take on your case.
It does matter that you’ve paid everything so far, even if you’re married. It doesn’t give your husband the right to financially abuse you and manipulate you. You need a face to face free consultation with an understanding lawyer not a rushed telephone conversation.

What an absolute bag of shit he is. You will be just fine without him. Sending you strength to get through this. As for him he truly is utter scum.

Holy shit that escalated quickly!!

You must be in an absolute spin, what a callous bastard.
I agree you need a better lawyer, he’s clearly lawyered up and you need to fight back. Don’t play nicely.

£15k worth of legal fees to get this man out of your life is an absolute fucking bargain. You must be subsidising him to the tune of £6 to £7k per year anyway

He’s transferring cash to his mother for her to store for him. You need a solicitor who can look into that for you. Do not leave the house. You are primary carer with residential rights. Get onto a solicitor now and get an occupation order. He’s an utter pig. Change the bloody locks while he’s away. You’ve lost your keys right? Kids must have plopped them down the loo or something. All the locks need changing tomorrow. Locksmith. Don’t communicate with him at all. Any way of finding out if he’s with somebody else at the wedding? Then you can file adultery. Post on the legal section of mumsnet and ask for recommendations. Take rest of week off work on sick leave. Stress related. You need the time

My lawyer let me defer paying my bill until the former matrimonial Home was sold
£15k might sound daunting but you won't need to find it all now

What a piece of shit he is

Cawfee has excellent advice.

Yes @cawfee that fits completely sadly

Get onto a solicitor now and get an occupation order.

What tenbob said is true. They can take the fees out of the final settlement. You just need a couple of hundred for the initial consultation. While you are there explain all of the financial issues. It’s best to bullet point it. They need to lodge orders against him so get to one ASAP. You are now officially separated (his divorce petition is your proof) so 1st thing tomorrow you do the following 1) solicitor urgent appointment 2) call CMS to lodge a claim 3) appointment at CAB to advise which benefits you can get as a single parent. You are going to be a lot better off without him. You then lodge a single person advisory to the council so they can reduce your council tax. Who is getting child benefit or tax credits? If it’s him that all needs to be stopped and transferred to you immediately. He’s right totally fucked up because you’ve got all of us in your corner.

Just to say we are all on your side