Husband and prostitute

[MrsGaslighted]

I've been with my perfect husband 25 years. Really wish I'd seen mumsnet 8 months ago, before I saw the text on his phone arranging an appointment with a hooker, and had not shown my hand. I confronted him straight away and was told he was never going to go through with it. I now know about 'the script'
I have done a hell of a lot of digging since but he has outright denied everything. I have so much circumstantial evidence but can't prove a bloody thing and I think I am going mad!!

Dubarry do lovely handbags 😊
The truth always comes out eventually, but living like this will drive you insane.
Mine denied another woman for a year, he is marrying her this year ( would probably still deny it)

Tonight my dh has just admitted /had it dragged out of him, that the lap dance on the stag do 7yrs ago was in fact a hand job by a prostitute in the red lighting district ..

It's took me 2.5 yrs to drag that out of him, 2.5yrs!!!! & he wonders why I have anxiety problems.. it's shit, it's truly shit

The thing is xbeex thet won't be the truth either. This is what I was told so I asked him at the time did you use a condom and he forgot his lie and he replied yes. So there you are, of course it was full sex.
have you ever been to the red light district in Amsterdam?
I doubt anyone would bother with a hand job when full sex is displayed in every window. You are being naïve to believe that.
They always say it was just a hand job. Makes it sound sort of Ok?
What an idiot.

Xbeex - god I'm so sorry. I agree with feckers that you probably still don't have the truth. If he's crossed the line and is willing to cheat on you then I expect he took full advantage of her services.
People have warned me to expect him to minimise if I get any proof he's seen her. But it makes no difference to me if he tells me it was 'only' a hand job or blow job.
It's the actual going to see a prostitute that will finish it.
Jazz - it is driving me insane. I'm telling myself I have enough, trouble is I know that I'm not going to be satisfied until I have concrete proof or an admission. And I don't think the latter will be coming any time soon!

Hope your ok Mrs gas

Thanks kitty. Yes I'm doing ok thanks, no change to the situation. I'm just waiting until I'm away for a couple of days at the end of the week to see if anything happens

I can't believe your being (you seem) so calm and able to keep it together well done. I'm in awe. Bet your looking forward to the week being over

But Mrs G you already have the proof. You know he has the mindset to compartmentalise extra curricular sex. Its not a one off its a whole way of thinking.
I know where you're coming from but you already have enough evidence. I just wish I'd stopped there because it can take over your life in a bad way.
Remember you in all this. Its not you its him.
I went bonkers trying to find everything out and for what? He just turned it on me. Be warned in the kindest and understanding way.

Kitty - I do feel much calmer. In a weird way I'm hoping he just bloody does it so I can nail him.
Feckers - I know I have enough to leave but if I'm honest I am not emotionally strong enough yet. I'm scared that if I go at him with what I have he will just turn it all round again and make me feel mad again. I hated that feeling, I was so low. I have decided to wait and watch for a while. I've been drinking too much (mainly so I can go to sleep at night) and generally been neglecting myself which has not helped my mental state at all. My plan is to look after myself and get in a better place mentally. If I catch him then I will be forced to act. I know if I don't that it's still over, but I need to be sure I will follow it through. I hate myself for being like this, no one who knows me would believe it.

I'm scared that if I go at him with what I have he will just turn it all round again and make me feel mad again

But that in itself is a major black mark against him. You might tell him upfront that he is on very shaky ground and if he tries that tactic again he’s simply making it worse for himself.

Someone who was genuinely innocent wouldn’t want to turn it around on their partner and make them feel crazy - they would just want to reassure them.

He was doing in a reassuring way which is why I thought I was actually losing my mind
I now have this hookers address.
It suits me to do nothing while I get my head together and everything financial sorted, unless of course I catch him in the act in the meantime.

Gaslighting is not reassurance.

He wants you to believe that he randomly invented an email address infill that happens to be that of a prostitute? How dumb does he think you are?

Or to be more precise - an instragram account that could well be a prostitute.

You are not being paranoid. Don’t ever let him make you think you are or apologise for it.

He has stuffed up the trust in the relationship - whether he has ever acted on these contacts is impossible to know - but in the circumstances your suspicions are perfectly normal.

It’s not as if you simply caught him surfing escort sites for a bit of titillation - he actually texted a prostitute. Even if he didn’t end up going through with it (hmmm) he intended to in the first place or he wouldn’t have bothered with her phone number.

I very much doubt you will catch him in the act. He knows you will be watching his every move now and he will be too paranoid that you might be spying on him some how.
If he does ever visit another escort then surely he will bide his time and wait a few months until you are less suspicious

I also don't believe in 'just a handjob' xbeex

It's what he would've calculated is least damaging to say but tbh he could've just had a wank for free!

@MrsGaslighted hope you have a good time away and can clear your head

Hi, MrsG, just checking in to say good luck with the conference and I hope you are ok.

Thank you. I am just packing to leave now. I've given my friend the log in for the car tracker as I can't spend the whole conference with my phone out.
I dont really think he will do anything either, but you never know.
If not then I will have to make a list of everything I do have and choose my moment. I think I may well leave it until after the big family holiday for his mums 70th. Not so much because of the holiday, but it gives me a bit of headspace and time to get things sorted. I was thinking he's bound to be reasonable about money, but reading on here about men who have turned I'm not so sure.
We have been doing our house up so I told him I want to get it finished, so have booked people in to decorate and carpet the last few rooms.
Absolutely everything in our lives is joint, I think I probably need to see a solicitor soon for advice while I have the head start
It's the gaslighting that has pissed me off as much as the betrayal, it's just so cruel. And no, I don't know how he expects me to believe all the crap excuses he came up with. But I've let him think I have.

Mrs - I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I do understand that it must be very difficult to come to terms with, but why do you feel as though you need to catch him in the act?
For me it would be the mindset that would be the problem, just as much as the physical act. Either you're the kind of man who would pay for the use if a woman's body, or you're not. It really is that simple. The fact he's researched and considered it would spell the end for me, to the extent that I wouldn't care less if he actually went through with it or not.
You can't live your life constantly wondering and on edge. It will eat away at your mental and physical health and you deserve better.
Let him bugger off to his prostitute if he hasn't already. It will soon dawn on him that its a pathetic and meaningless way to live, but he'll only have himself to blame.
I know it must be horrendous when the wool falls from your eyes like this and I'm really sorry again.

Thanks pa1oma. I think the problem is that I was just so blindsided by that text. I thought he was perfect and trusted him implicitly. I mean who would see that their husband has changed his passcode and removed text previews and not have suspicion aroused? Well, me actually. Bloody idiot!
It was only after reading other's stories on here that I learned of 'the script' and gaslighting. I think part of me is trying to backtrack and do what I should have done back then. Part of me doesn't want to confront him without irrefutable proof. But mostly I think I'm just trying to heal a bit before the fallout, I was a mess and now I feel stronger. I know this marriage will end in the next few weeks and I still can't believe he has put sex with a prostitute above our perfect life. I cloud almost understand if he cheated because he fell in love with someone else (well I wouldn't buy you know what I mean) but to go out and pay for sex with someone he has no emotional connection with just to have sex? That's the bit that kills me.

Yes I can quite understand how it must seem such a shock that you almost need to have the definite proof to be able to believe it.
To my mind, having an affair or a one night stand is obviously cheating, but sometimes things can creep up on people against their better judgement. However, to make the calculated decision to pay for sex is not only cheating, but sleazy and degrading as well. There is only a certain type of person who would do this.
My husband revealed to me about the number of strip clubs he's been in over the years on stag-dos. I don't know why I never thought to ask him over the years. I told him that the going in is one thing, but paying for any extras once in there constitutes cheating as far as I'm concerned. If a woman danced for him in his office, that would be cheating, right? How is it any different just because money has changed hands? He swears he hasn't done this, but can you ever be sure? As I say, to me the physical act would not be the deal breaker, it's more the mentality that underlies it.
Take your time. He has not only let you down, he's let himself down the most.

Thinking of you today OP!

I know how much you need to have your suspicions proven and also how hard it will be if they are correct. I have learnt to trust my instincts and it is so much easier to look back and realise the emotional abuse their lies and secrets do to us but it's another thing to.be able to recognise it when we are going through it.

Good luck from the bottom of my heart.. you're not alone, you have a zillion mumsnetters behind you. Always keep trying to do the right thing for you, take care xx

In my experience once contact has been made men will go through with it. Very few married men, not few enough in fact, cancel a booking once its made. Sorry op

Nothing today. But that's no surprise. Claryfary, you are totally right.
Xbeex - how are you doing? Last
Time we spoke he was as shit as mine. X

Paloma - you've got me totally.