Husband and prostitute

[MrsGaslighted]

I've been with my perfect husband 25 years. Really wish I'd seen mumsnet 8 months ago, before I saw the text on his phone arranging an appointment with a hooker, and had not shown my hand. I confronted him straight away and was told he was never going to go through with it. I now know about 'the script'
I have done a hell of a lot of digging since but he has outright denied everything. I have so much circumstantial evidence but can't prove a bloody thing and I think I am going mad!!

......it's next week. My son will be at work and my daughter at school, so guessing it will be daytime if he's going to.

It would be a stupid risk for him to take, assuming he has not carried on this whole time (was first discovery 8 months ago?)
Either way I would imagine the conference will be bloody hard for you and you will be on hyper alert.

Yes- wedding anniversary- I know, what a totally heartless prick.

Yes about 8 months ago. I've just had a thought, he installed WhatsApp well over a year ago. I remember asking what on earth he wanted it for as he never talks to anyone. I bet that's why

Argh! One of those horrible moments of realisation.

I'm going to have to finish this whatever aren't I?
I can't take much more, i wanted to catch him at it so he can't fuck with my head like he's done. If I jsay I'm going to finish it he will say it was just that one thing. And it will be my fault for making it into something bigger than it is. I know people are saying that's enough to LTB, and it is. But it's so different when it's your own life. I would have tried to get over that and make it work but not all of this. Which I can't prove.
I hope he doesn't see this. I have to stay logged in on my phone as I made a new email to set this account up. I've forgotten the passwords! Obviously don't share his devious skills!!

I do think it’s tremendously stressful to pressure yourself to get proof in this context. You could drive yourself mad checking trackers, checking the internet etc.

If he fucks with your head, or tries to make it your fault for exaggerating ‘one thing’ then he’s not a decent person.

The bottom line is that he’s done enough to make you question his whole personality and this marriage. He could have been doing this for your entire relationship for all you know. If this incident makes you fear and suspect greater deceipt, it is entirely his fault and his responsibility. No-one else’s. He’s a lowllife he he tries to turn that round on you.

I don’t think you need to make any decision about the relationship right now but it might be better for your mental health to be honest with him about where you are.

It depends how far you want to go to get to the truth. Only you can make that decision.

I know it’s been mentioned up thread, but have you been for an STI check? A high proportion of prostitutes are drug addicts and can be infected with anything from hepatitis to HIV. Your selfish and thoughtless husband has potentially put you at risk of some life threatening diseases, and you really need checked out to pick them up as early as possible, to start treatment.
As for the emotional implications of his behaviour - I personally couldn’t stay with a man who thinks it’s acceptable to pay money to rape trafficked women. And for those deluded people who think prostitution is a lifestyle choice - over 3/4 of prostitutes have post traumatic stress disorder. That’s higher than battle veterans. Having to allow men you don’t remotely desire or love, to abuse and rape your body while you pretend to want it, is utterly soul destroying.
Your husband is complicit in that abuse. No wonder you feel you no longer know him. I pray you find the strength to leave.

To be fair it’s principally street prostitutes who have severe drug and alcohol issues. It would be more likely that he’s seeing escorts. Having an STI test is good advice, but I don’t think it’s fair to exaggerate the risks.

Mrsgaslighted, say you have gone off him since he (whatever can be proved).
He cannot argue with your having gone off him.

Exactly.

He’s done quite enough. What he’s done, even though it may seem like small thing to him, is sufficient to throw everything in the air and put your marriage is on the line. That’s quite bad enough.

If he doesn’t like it, he might have thought harder about the consequences of ‘flirting’ with booking a prostitute.

I am sorry to say I've been through this. Was like a kind of madness trying to find out the truth. Anyway all I had to go on was a text like you.
But worked backwards in my head and I just knew it must have been years of it. Because.....
He worked away a lot
Was distant
If she was an independent sex worker I figured he must have been to brothels before hand to get the confidence to just go to some strangers flat.
High earner
Also when I knew I realised moments in the past that hadn't rung true.
So checked ATM and phone records and it all coincided with my gut feelings.
He admitted it all in the end. Bloody don't know why I bothered.
It made me ill so be careful. Your mental health comes first.

It really isn't a ooooh I've been a bit stupid....it tells you his entitled and nasty attitude and values towards yourself.

I really think its never a one off. its up to him to prove otherwise not you.

I'm Sorry to hear that, there's so many of us have that been through this! And probably a few more who just don't know yet.
I feel a bit better now, I'll just see if anything happens and then I'll have to make a decision on how to handle this. You are all right In saying that he has done enough.
I also keep thinking of stupid things like we are meant to be going on holiday for him mums birthday. I was thinking that I don't want to ruin that for her and I should wait. I need to remember that it's not me who will have ruined it, it will be her son.
I haven't been for tests yet and I know I should. That makes it all so real.

It's very hard to find that point in your life where you have nothing planned in the future. I ended up leaving with a holiday booked about 5 weeks away. He didn't even begin to start to believe I meant it until I didn't come back to heel for the holiday. Then he was angry at the money wasted. Again if the money wasted was his biggest concern, I still don't think he got that I really meant it. I had to leave without saying good bye to a lot of people because I knew I couldn't tell them, wasn't ready to, wasn't able to say it, or explain it or listen to them react to the truth but I couldn't face lying to them any more either. So I relocated without saying goodbye. i had all sorts of things planned in to my diary for the weeks and month to come when I left, but that is the way it is, it will always be like that. There's always something planned.

It doesn’t matter OP if it’s just a horrible nagging doubt, it doesn’t matter in all the cases on here when it’s flirty texting or signing up once only to a dating site or excessive porn use or whatever, if it’s a dealbreaker for you and you know it’s going to forever change feelings, I think it’s best to get out to be honest at a point you can do so

OP these people live their lives covering their tracks and on high alert so that they don’t get caught out. He might well have a tracker in your car - on your phone, access to your email, history etc so that he can check the coast is clear. So be careful. He will have been doing this for decades.

I had to confront my DH as he was about to book a ‘business’ trip overseas because I had become aware that he was planning to meet a girl while he was there. It was terrible timing because I had a work project ongoing at the same time and I was the only person working on it, and it was time critical. In the ideal world I wouldn’t have done it then, but I had to ask my DH not to book the trip and so of course I had to tell him why. The moral of the story is, there is never a good time, you just have to do it. Hugs.

@MrsGaslighted hope you are holding it together, been following your thread and gutted for you.. i know the feeling well and I hope you get the answers you need!

I have just realised that if you go on adultworks and ukpunting and put his email address into "forgotten password" on the login pages it will either say that an account doesn't exist or that a password has been sent to reset or in the case of my dh it says "account has been voluntarily deleted" (I had to try a few different email addresses to find the one he'd used).. not sure if this helps but if he has one it's another piece of evidence for you. Good luck and stay strong 💐

Thanks all. I suppose there is never a 'good time' to end your marriage and as PP have said there will always be something coming up - holidays, birthdays, starting 6th form, Christmas.
I've calmed down a bit in the last couple of days. I can't change what has happened, but I can do the right thing for myself and the kids for the future. If I get my proof then great, if not then I have enough.
I was just thinking about what I tell everyone. I can't help feeling embarrassed that he felt the need to go and pay someone for sex. I know it's about his ego rather than me but it still hurts. Everyone is going to be so shocked as he is the perfect family man in their eyes. The kids are going to disgusted and I worry so much about them. I'm not going to keep his dirty little secret to protect him but telling people why fills me with absolute dread.
I keep losing my post when I go back for names to thank individually. I tried putting his fake emails in the AW site a while back but didn't get anything. I came across a thread where someone had done it. A few more people tried upon reading it and found their husbands on there. I will try again though as I didn't actually try his official one.

I was just thinking about what I tell everyone
It's no-one's business but yours. I never broadcast it when my ExH was cheating on me - as far as most people knew we'd just grown apart. If friends asked me what happened I'd tell them as much as I was comfortable with.

I don’t think paying for sex is any kind of need - it’s not as if he’s single - he’s got a wife. Some men just get off on the whole thing - paying someone, seedy excitement etc.

what he’s down is enough to leave without the hard evidence. I think men who use prostitutes see it as a transaction, it’s essy for them to ring someone rather than met a woman isn’t he real world and have an affair. You done nothing wrong here op.

Remember if you hunt for passwords he will get an email to 'reset' it.
Fwiw I think it's best telling the truth to a select few just so that you don't have the burden of bottling it up.

get savvy with all his money now. :)

And go and buy a really expensive £800 handbag in the meantime :)

I have been to my friend's house this afternoon and told her. Her jaw dropped lower with each thing, I've never seen anyone so shocked. Makes me realise what a massive wanker he is and that this is real.

I tried his email on AW and nothing. But I'll stop digging and let him think it's fine. I'll see if anything happens when I'm away next week.
I might go and buy that handbag!