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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband and prostitute

539 replies

MrsGaslighted · 03/06/2018 02:06

I've been with my perfect husband 25 years. Really wish I'd seen mumsnet 8 months ago, before I saw the text on his phone arranging an appointment with a hooker, and had not shown my hand. I confronted him straight away and was told he was never going to go through with it. I now know about 'the script'
I have done a hell of a lot of digging since but he has outright denied everything. I have so much circumstantial evidence but can't prove a bloody thing and I think I am going mad!!

OP posts:
Newerversion · 01/07/2018 17:35

Totally agree, mywonderfulstar!

Living well is the best revenge but also the best ‘cure’

Mywonderfulstar · 01/07/2018 17:36

Yes and there will be a new and better life waiting for OP

Mywonderfulstar · 01/07/2018 17:37

Hope you’re reading OP, you really WILL be happy again.

TatianaLarina · 01/07/2018 17:39

I totally agree with Newerversion

The trauma of what the OP is going through is so intense. The friend of my mum’s who went through this lost 3 stone.

Any kind of manipulation is very stressful and highly likely to backfire.

It feels ethically completely wrong to bargain what the children are told for money.

DH could tell the children that OP is trying to screw money out him dishonourably, and it wouldn’t be untrue.

The OP can take comfort in knowing that, whatever her DH has done, she has always behaved with integrity.

Mywonderfulstar · 01/07/2018 17:42

Agreed Tatiana it would make me ill if I was trying to blackmail my H. I couldn’t afford to go any lower than I felt. It was soul destroying.

NameChange30 · 01/07/2018 17:46

I would ignore all thoughts of bargaining tactics and just think about what was best for my children. It is for the OP to decide whether she thinks it would be better for them in the short, medium and long term for her to tell them the full truth or just a part of it.

FWIW I think the 21 year old might be very upset to hear about the prostitutes from someone else. For that reason I would tell them both (because you can’t tell the 21yo and not the 16yo).

Obviously it’s the OP’s choice though, she knows her children best!

Mywonderfulstar · 01/07/2018 17:50

Yes Emma I know I’d find it difficult to tell one child but not the other because you’re then making one sibling withhold the truth from the other sibling

Newerversion · 01/07/2018 17:52

I will never lie to my children if they ask me what their dad did.

SandyY2K · 01/07/2018 18:00

Those prostitutes cost money. That's family money spent that you won't get back.

It's also not about leaving him destitute and penniless .... you want him to have a decent house for the DC to visit... assuming they choose to maintain a relationship with him once they know.

You just don't need him fighting you on the division of assets and dragging out the divorce like some difficult people tend to do.

Anyway ... I have to say you held your nerve when you waited outside to confront him. Ypur heart must have been beating 10 to the dozen. He must have wondered how you knew.

I wish you well.

CaledonianQueen · 01/07/2018 19:44

I think you are right op, they need to hear it from you. Especially now your parents know, I know my parents would be incandescent and if they happened to be around my husband and the kids were there then my Mum would not hold back. Nor could I expect her to! That’s just who she is!

You are going to need family and friends around you to recover, the kids are going to feel awful if you stop talking every time they walk into the room, or they hear whispers and you won’t tell them what was said.

I would have preferred the truth, I have parents who even now twenty years on hide important things, apparently so I don’t get upset. It made me so angry at 16 and just as much now. Teens and young adults can handle more than we give them credit for.

I found that being lied to and the whispering and talking ceasing before I entered the room, made the actual thing worse. I couldn’t understand why they didn’t just tell me.

Unfortunately, the OP’s children are going to suffer no matter what, op’s husband chose that for them. It’s better that they have the truth, then OP can support them and get them counselling. Lying is never a good idea, skeletons have a habit of forcing there way out of closets!

In op’s shoes, I would say that I know they love their Dad very much and that whilst they are understandably hurting, he is still their Dad and you fully support their relationship with him. He may have failed as a husband but he loves them very much and you know that they love him. They are not to feel like they are betraying you by continuing their relationship with him or likewise.

I would also be careful not to run him down, putting emphasis on his actions/ behaviour rather than who he is as a person. I would also perhaps use the word escort instead of hooker/ prostitute. I am sending so much strength your way!

northernlites · 01/07/2018 21:32

Hi @MrsGaslighted so sorry you are going through this, I hope talking to your kids went as well as something like that could go, a truly hideous situation you are in but you have so much support on here it's great and now your family too

A thought occurred to me, which you may have already considered, how did he pay for prostitute the other day? Have you checked the funds used in case he has another account your not aware of? You now have a date and a time of an actual transaction so you maybe able to marry that up with something; and it may help you with getting ducks in a row and all that
Hang in there you are doing so well Thanks

Newerversion · 01/07/2018 22:03

Good call, northernlites! It will be a cash withdrawal as they only accept cash, so look for atm withdrawals. As an aside- I wonder if they actually pay tax or national insurance? That is a lot of undeclared earning if not!

Cuttingthegrass · 01/07/2018 23:21

MrsG. I imagine you've had a tremendously tiring and emotional day.

He's come out defensive early on. He will I think get more defensive. Quite how it beggars belief. He chose to visit prostitutes. To pay for sex. And then claim he had an addiction after trying to make you think you had mental health problems when you initially suspected.

I wouldn't be thinking how to protect his filthy little secrets to help him save grace. only you know your children. How will they react if they find you've withheld truth from them and in so doing not enabled them to form their own views of their dad's morality. They could in turn feel they can't trust either parent which would be much worse.

MrsGaslighted · 01/07/2018 23:41

I've had a horrible day. I will read all of your messages but I didn't want to leave you hanging.
Thank you so so much for replying to me. I haven't read them yet but I can see there are so many.
They both came home within 5 mins of each other. I told them to sit down, which they both knew was weird straight off. I said that their dad and I were separating. They know. My girl asked me if she cold still get the school bus. My son asked me
If it was to do with the neighbour?? End is that about?

OP posts:
MrsGaslighted · 01/07/2018 23:42

*wtf

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/07/2018 23:45

Did you not ask him what he meant about the "neighbour" ?

CaledonianQueen · 02/07/2018 00:00

I would be asking your stbxh what happened with the neighbour!

When you say they know, do they know everything?

They don’t sound all that surprised? Or were they? I wonder if your ds has witnessed something he shouldn’t have!

They may be putting on a strong front for you, especially your dd. You have been incredibly strong OP! I hope you have good friends/ family who can come over and be strong for you.

MrsGaslighted · 02/07/2018 08:01

Sorry I managed to lose a huge chunk of text in the middle of that so it makes no sense. I'm off to drop my office keys to his dad so will see if he has told them. I'll update on everything later.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 02/07/2018 09:55

I've just caught up now OP.
What a shock for you.
Although you KNOW, you just really hope that there's some other explanation and that your whole world is not about to implode.
But it does.
I hope he's told his parents the truth, although I doubt it, so you will probably to fill them in on that.

I really feel for you. It's totally shit and will be for a long while yet.
Do practical things for now.
Ducks in a row and all that.

Look after yourself! That's important.
If you can't eat solids then I found sugary tea and ice-lollies got me through the worst of it.
You could try soups and smoothies as well.

Lean on family and friends.
Keep busy!
(((((HUGS)))))) for you.

MrsGaslighted · 02/07/2018 10:56

Thanks hellsbells, I can't eat much at all but am drinking tea for England. Made the mistake of having a few wines last night to help me sleep so feel thoroughly crap today. And that's probably why my post made no sense!
I told the kids that we have separated because their dad has done something that I cannot forgive. I said that I would not keep anything from them but it is entirely up to them how much they want to know. My daughter asked if he cheated and I said yes. So they know he has been unfaithful. I said that he is not in a relationship with the person as it wasn't that sort of cheating. They didn't really say much after that. My daughter asked if I could still afford for her to get the school bus for 6th form, strange question but I guess shock made her think of odd stuff. I don't know what my son meant about the neighbour. I will ask him tonight.
I dropped the keys to my FIL. My husband has not said a bloody word, they haven't heard from him all weekend. That really threw me so I told his dad that he has moved out after he cheated on me and that they really need to speak to him.
I don't know if he went to work today in the end. I couldn't bring myself to tell him what had happened. I just feel like I have too much to cope with and my head could explode.

OP posts:
MrsGaslighted · 02/07/2018 11:13

I've just read all of your comments again, I read them last night but after the wine I couldn't remember any of them!
I think not telling the kids it was a prostitute was probably good advice. If they choose to ask me for more details then I won't keep it from them. But it just didn't feel right to tell them straight away.
I've gone back to bed with a cup of tea. I had plans for solicitors and all sorts of kick ass stuff today but I just want to hide in bed and not get up again.
My mum is coming over this afternoon, I sent her a text saying I can't do any of it so she is going to ring a few solicitors for me. I'm sure she will gee me up again.

OP posts:
Mywonderfulstar · 02/07/2018 11:24

That was a great the way you handled the situation with your DC. Sorry you’re feeling so rubbish

RedFin · 02/07/2018 11:26

Wow, you handled that conversation with your DC amazingly well. Good job! I'm the same as your DD, when I hear bad news I think of an unimportant practicality and wonder about that. Your mum sounds like such a great help. Keep going, you're doing so well in such horrible sickening circumstances Flowers

KeziaOAP · 02/07/2018 12:03

So sorry OP your instincts proved to be right. What an utter coward not telling his parents. How close are your mum and dad to his, would they tell them the truth? They need to know what a sleazebag he's been.

Good you have your mum to lean on in such a distressing situation for you and your DC. Take care Flowers

Freetogo · 02/07/2018 12:50

I would ask more about the neighbour.

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