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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and prostitute

539 replies

MrsGaslighted · 03/06/2018 02:06

I've been with my perfect husband 25 years. Really wish I'd seen mumsnet 8 months ago, before I saw the text on his phone arranging an appointment with a hooker, and had not shown my hand. I confronted him straight away and was told he was never going to go through with it. I now know about 'the script'
I have done a hell of a lot of digging since but he has outright denied everything. I have so much circumstantial evidence but can't prove a bloody thing and I think I am going mad!!

OP posts:
Shumpalumpa · 01/07/2018 16:13

That’s precisely what I was referring to. She said don’t tell either of them about the prostitutes full stop.

But you also said don't tell the 16yo about the prostitutes.

And Sandy didn't know that one of the DC is 21.

Sarahjconnor · 01/07/2018 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Newerversion · 01/07/2018 16:16

I totally agree with wonderfulstar!

TatianaLarina · 01/07/2018 16:17

Read my post more carefully, that’s not what I said.

Shumpalumpa · 01/07/2018 16:20

I think you're getting yourself confused with all this 'full stop' business.

If you can't explain what you said, then it's unlikely your previous posts will be clearer.

Mywonderfulstar · 01/07/2018 16:23

I understood what she meant. She discussed it in her first paragraph of her post. She then concluded on reflection, in her second paragraph, she would tell both DC

Newerversion · 01/07/2018 16:27

I think it is very hard to imagine what you would do i this situation.

Newerversion · 01/07/2018 16:28

Because it really is a very specific set of circumstances and feelings.

AnyFucker · 01/07/2018 16:28

I agree that op will do what is right for her

What we all certainly agree on is that he is a complete cunt

Newerversion · 01/07/2018 16:30

Without a doubt, anyfucker.

Mywonderfulstar · 01/07/2018 16:30

Yes completely!

TatianaLarina · 01/07/2018 16:30

I’m not the one who’s confused shumpa, you just need to read my post more carefully as you only seem to have only read half.

Thanks wonderfulstar.

TatianaLarina · 01/07/2018 16:31

Agreed AF.

Timefortea99 · 01/07/2018 16:40

How disgusting is he. Not just the prostitutes, the threats. Do we really know anybody at all?

Newerversion · 01/07/2018 16:42

Timefortea, I asked myself exactly that so many times, I find myself doubting everyone since too.

sirlee66 · 01/07/2018 16:48

Awd by your strength, OP. Thinking about you.

LizzieSiddal · 01/07/2018 16:49

MrsGaslightd I agree with others, think long and hard before telling your DC about the prostitutes, and in fact anyone else. As AF said, you can use it as a bargaining tool.

Your H is a grade one bastard but if the you tell his DC it will really badly affect THEM. The fact they will find out he has been unfaithful will be hard enough for them, please don't tell them about him paying for sex. I found out my dad was unfaithful when I was 20 and it really did make me hate him, but I did rebuild the relationship. I could not have done that if I'd known he had paid for sex. As his Daughter I would never have gotten over that.

SandyY2K · 01/07/2018 16:51

Sandy said tell them about the infidelity, but not the prostitutes. At that stage she didn't know one of the DC was an adult.

Thank you.

I didn't know the ages...just summised one had just done GCSEs it A levels...so 16 or 18.

There's no one size fits all ..... but my concern would be how it affects them ...not their dad.

All this they'll find out anyway....if you tell everyone else except them...of course they'll find out...but if it's just your parents and your best friend..They won't.

They will continue to be his children....you won't continue to be his wife.

Of course he should have thought about this before he did it ...but their relation ship could be damaged beyond repair if thet know.

If I knew such a thing about my dad... I wouldn't have had him walking me down aisle at my wedding...maybe you don't think be deserves the honour...and that's fine. He fucked up and is be seething with rage if it was my H... but I have a DD who just did her GCSEs... and I don't know how I could tell her that.

My motive would be protecting my DD not my DH.... and it would give me the upper hand...which Iosr while being gaslighted as you were.

I'd hit him in the pocket...small comfort for shagging a prostitute...but I'll take it.

It's an individual choice...

Shumpalumpa · 01/07/2018 17:02

I’m not the one who’s confused shumpa, you just need to read my post more carefully as you only seem to have only read half.

This is getting tiring now, but it would have been nice if you acknowledged to Sandy that her advice wasn't naive and that you agreed with her about telling teenage DC about infidelity but not prostitues.

Not looking for a bunfight so bowing out now.

Janus · 01/07/2018 17:10

What an utter shitty mess he’s made of this. He’s totally thrown everything away, I am so sorry.
I would agree with Sandy though, even though he’s an utter tosser he’s still the childrens’ dad so I’d have to say he was unfaithful and leave it at that. But that’s just my opinion, not sure anyone would know what they’d do until they were actually in your shoes. Sorry again.

TatianaLarina · 01/07/2018 17:12

Well it would be nice if you didn’t tell me how to post and focused on the OP.

gingeristhenewblack43 · 01/07/2018 17:12

My heart aches for you OP, what a fucking first class cunt he is. Only you can decide what is best for you and your DC. Luckily for me my DD was just under 2yo when I found out about my exH (not sex workers, that I know of, but a long string of smutty texts with various co workers that led to an affair with one of them).

Personally I'd go down the route of I won't tell the DC the details if you give me what I want financially. He's been cold and calculating in his sexual dealings so I think you have the right to be cold and calculating financially.

I also agree about blood being thicker than water. He will have his own fable that he will spin for his family and friends, where you are the bad guy and he was forced to do what he did. You have to let that go because you can't do anything about it.

Newerversion · 01/07/2018 17:17

I really think using the knowledge as blackmail potential is likely to damage you - it means it is always there definitely for me I wouldn’t want to be involved in using it for anything. My mental health suffered a lot in the first six months or so though so I guess I am looking at it from the point of view of minimising that.

Mywonderfulstar · 01/07/2018 17:26

Yes, I agree with you Newerversion I’ve had to let go of anger or bitterness as it was harmful to my mental health. To emotionally blackmail someone you would still have those feelings festering.

Mywonderfulstar · 01/07/2018 17:31

Until you’ve walked in the shoes of someone who has been betrayed in this manner you wouldn’t properly understand the devastation.
In my experience it’s best for me to move on and create a new life for myself and try and find happiness. I’m not looking for revenge but ironically that’s probably the best revenge if I wanted it.
I have a beautiful new home and a new relationship with someone that cherishes me. For me that’s the way forward

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