Husband and prostitute

[MrsGaslighted]

I've been with my perfect husband 25 years. Really wish I'd seen mumsnet 8 months ago, before I saw the text on his phone arranging an appointment with a hooker, and had not shown my hand. I confronted him straight away and was told he was never going to go through with it. I now know about 'the script'
I have done a hell of a lot of digging since but he has outright denied everything. I have so much circumstantial evidence but can't prove a bloody thing and I think I am going mad!!

It really depends on the ages of the children. If they’re teenagers plus they deserve the truth and it will come out anyway.

I’m trying to think what professional perspective you’re speaking from Sandy as your advice on this forum is generally very naive.

I think the children will find out one way or another anyway. In my case it was one of the children that stumbled upon his stash of condoms when his gym bag fell off a work bench in the garage

I'm not saying not to tell them he's been unfaithful...just not with a prostitute.

TatianaLarina my advice is generally naive you say? I TBH it's not worth gracing you with a response if that's your view.

I'm guessing the kids are teens. I know it would destroy my DC (who have just completed GCSEs and A levels) if they found out DH had been to a prostitute. They wouldn't want speak to him. They'd be horrified enough that he cheated..but a prostitute...yeah that would seal the end of the relationship for them.

Instead I'd use that as leverage for a satisfactory divorce settlement.

Oh god that's awful the kids found the condoms.
Mine aren't small, they are 16 and 21. I Don't want to tell them but I know it will come out somewhere along the line so I'd rather they hear it from me.
Newer - I will look into the mail order sti kit. I can see me keep putting it off otherwise.

You dont have to say he went with a prostitute but agree the kids need to be told at least the overall truth. This is his shit, not yours. You didn't fuck a hooker. He did. Tough tits responsibility time.

Time for him to lie in the bed he made.

Yes that’s what I was thinking, they’ll hear it from someone along the way so it would be better you being the one to tell them.
I went to a walk in STI clinic and the staff were absolutely brilliant

I plan to be very honest with my children once they are old enough.

My solicitor advised me the prostitute element made no difference to the divorce settlement

It’s a difficult one - age-appropriate for 16-year-old and a 21-year-old is very different. I’d be inclined to tell the 16 year old of infidelity but not the prostitute angle. But you can’t withhold truth from an adult. If one of my parents had tried to withhold such fundamental information from me at 21 I would have hit the roof.

Truth will always out ime and it’s very difficult to keep secrets within families. On balance I think it’s better that the 16 year old hears it sensitively from you, than stumbles on it. Which is inevitable in the long run.

My solicitor said similar but advised I filed as unreasonable behaviour.

My solicitor advised me the prostitute element made no difference to the divorce settlement

Of course it doesn’t. We have no fault divorces in this country.

Ie it makes no difference to the settlement.

I agree with Sandy here

I would use the threat of disclosing the prostitute use to screw the fuck out of him financially and keep him dancing to my tune

The story I would put out is one of infidelity with several women. Let people draw their own conclusions. Most folk will not press for details and your kids don't need to know (at this point anyway) what a sleazy piece of shit their father is

Sorry fpr jumping in at this point but I have been lurking. I wish you well....what a fucking idiot he is. Take no blame for his inadequacy...from him or from anyone

Yes you could use the prostitute factor to emotionally blackmail him I suppose

I wouldn't call it emotional blackmail, more taking control

Something op has been denied so far, for sure

I was so emotionally traumatised I had to talk honestly with close friends about what I was going through . I couldn’t have put a gloss on it and pretended it was “ just infidelity “.
I didn’t however tell his elderly parents or our neighbours but I needed to be authentic with my family and trusted friends for their love and support.

@TatianaLarina

I’d be inclined to tell the 16 year old of infidelity but not the prostitute angle.

So basically what SandyY2K said?

You can call it what you like AF it’s still emotional blackmail.

Apart from the fact that it’s dishonourable, and there is a satisfaction to having the moral high ground - it won’t work and it will be very stressful.

The people who will ask for details will be the children that is the problem. If she tried to withhold the truth to the 21-year-old I’m sure that they would guess that there is something she’s not letting on. When the 21-year-old hears the truth they will feel betrayed that they didn’t know it from the start. And pissed off that they have been manipulated and treated like a child.

I agree 16 is a bit young to know about the prostitutes and if they had been close in age say 14 and 16, I’d have kept it to infidelity full stop. The problem is their hearing it from someone else, which would add to the shock.

So basically what SandyY2K said?

Not if you read my post.

Plus Sandy said don’t tell either of them full stop.

I guess it depends if you think it's ok for your own children to know the intimate details of their parent's sex life. I don't.

To be quite honest, I believe them to be only between the two people in a relationship.

No, Tatiana, Sandy said tell them about the infidelity, but not the prostitutes. At that stage she didn't know one of the DC was an adult. Re-read the posts.

I don’t think that’s relevant tbh. In normal circumstances of course they don’t need to know nor would they want to. But this isn’t a normal circumstance and the consequences affect them directly - they have a right to know.

They might spend time wondering why their mother couldn’t forgive him for example. Children can spend years thinking over that kind of thing and invest emotional energy in illusions.

Sandy said tell them about the infidelity, but not the prostitutes

That’s precisely what I was referring to. She said don’t tell either of them about the prostitutes full stop.

Yes I agree with you AF, in normal circumstances children should know nothing about about their parents sex live as it’s totally inappropriate.

However, this is about the ultimate betrayal by someone you thought you trusted with your life. It’s one of those situations you don’t know how you’d feel until it happens to you. By telling people close to me the truth I think they were able to support me more. Normally I’m a very private person and wouldn’t dream of discussing my sex life with anyone. It wasn’t really my sex life anyway it was my H’s sex life.

I’m sure the OP will make the right choice who she does and doesn’t tell.

What an absolute cunt he is.