Husband and prostitute

[MrsGaslighted]

I've been with my perfect husband 25 years. Really wish I'd seen mumsnet 8 months ago, before I saw the text on his phone arranging an appointment with a hooker, and had not shown my hand. I confronted him straight away and was told he was never going to go through with it. I now know about 'the script'
I have done a hell of a lot of digging since but he has outright denied everything. I have so much circumstantial evidence but can't prove a bloody thing and I think I am going mad!!

Wow, you’re doing all the right things. Glad your parents are being supportive (lol at your mum’s comment!) and your friend is coming over. Good luck telling the children tomorrow, that won’t be easy but I imagine it will also be a relief to get it over with.

Enjoy your wine later!

Thinking of you today OP, sounds like you have amazing parents! Remember that your kids are older now, old enough to know what their Father has put you through! It is not your job to lie protect him!

I would be concerned that as word spreads it will come out and that they may hear it from the wrong person, or they might overhear one of your parents or yourself. It might be easier if you tell them the truth from the start, it will hurt but then there isn’t a skeleton in the closet waiting to jump out! You are hurting enough without having to lie and hold secrets from your children.

Sending you strength for today

'He said that my paranoia was affecting him. I said that maybe I should go to the doctor, he hugged me and said he would come with me'.

Just remember this part when you have moments of weakness of listening to his sorry arse talking about obsessions. He happily allowed you to think you were the one with the mental health problems!

Thinking if you op. You have been very graceful and dignified sitting waiting for the evidence you knew was coming to finally come.

MrsG I am so sorry for what you have found. I read your post at the beginning and thought you wouldn’t find concrete proof, looks like you did 😢
In the long run I think having that proof will keep you strong - he can’t mind fuck with what you saw with your own eyes.

It’s going to be tough and your kids are gonna hurt, but you have got this. Answer their questions honestly, hold them tight. Assure them it’s nothing they’ve done, they are still loved (sounds obvious, but teens work in mysterious ways-they May blame themselves)Offer them counselling if they want it, it may help them to talk to an outsider. School/college maybe able to help. Try and have one on one with them to give the opportunity to vent (eg DD for coffee or ice cream)

I don’t know/understand the work situation, but could you get signed off sick to get away from him?

I would get in touch with solicitor ASAP, take friend/relative and take notes!

You will get through this. This time next year you will be so much happier

Stay strong OP! You're doing great!
I'm so sorry that you're going through all this. We're all here to support you xxxx

I can't believe how many of us are put through this, and how many women probably don't know. Finding condoms in a gym bag must have been a horrible shock. It gets me how it's always one little thing like a text or email and then this whole secret life comes to light. What is wrong with them??? I am sure my husband is devastated now. But they know what the consequences will be and still choose to do it.
I think it is good advice to tell my kids the truth. I really don't want to but they will feel like I've lied if they find out.
I don't think he has told his parents yet as they haven't contacted me, and I'm sure they would. I gave him until tonight, so I will text them in the morning to say that I will not be in work for the next week due to the situation. If he hasn't told them then I guess they will ask me what situation.
I am going to try and book an appointment with a solicitor, and also get sti checks. Fucking wanker, I can't believe he has made this mess my life.

And thank you all
For your support. I keep
Re reading the messages and it helps so much

Definitely tell his parents. The advantage of you telling them is they’ll get the true version (or at least what you know) rather than goodness knows what lies he will try and spin them to minimise it.

If you work together and were due to go on holiday together I think it is important that they hear from you as well as him.

Good luck telling your DCs today.

Hi MrsG, you have got this, you are awesome! You are dead right, they make a decision that what they are doing is important enough to risk everything for. Pathetic middle aged men who want to kid themselves that younger women want them- fucking fools. They really are just revolting.

I ordered a home STI kit from a company called letsgetchecked. I really couldn't face a clinic at that point.

It is now time for him to squirm as little by little people who respected him realise who he really is. Believe me, he will be beyond horrified at the thought of his seedy secret becoming known. (My h would literally have done anything I asked to stop me telling people, he begged and begged over the phone)

Hope you are doing ok, I know you will be feeling empty, please make sure you eat and look after yourself. I lost almost two stone after dday.

The shock is horrific and the feelings you will go though in the coming weeks and months are always difficult to manage so please look after yourself.

He will probably change from begging forgiveness to being a right cunt. Prepare yourself in anyway you can.

Oddly mine has still not stopped the forgiveness begging! We are now almost a year on! I guess as things progress he may get more cunty though (as money etc are sorted)

Yes you need to tell your PIL directly.

Keep it a simple factual one liner, so that they hear it loud and clear. Use the correct language “prostitutes” so that he can’t minimise it by saying it was a ONS, OLD etc.

Do not trust that he will tell them anything like the true facts. He will minimise and blame you. Even for their own sakes - as they might hear it from someone else later down the line and be really shocked / hurt in public. Same applies to your children.

My h would literally have done anything I asked to stop me telling people, he begged and begged over the phone)

I hope you told everyone you know, Newerversion. He's a coward.

Does he still think he can get back with you?

Yep, he is a total coward, a pathetic, morally corrupt coward at that. Just looking at him makes me feel sick these days- the man actually made a fool of himself over and over again.
I think he knows that is is over for good but that doesn't stop him trying.

He will probably change from begging forgiveness to being a right cunt

Yes he will want to punish you any way he can (financially, emotionally, thru the kids) for uncovering his secret and turning his life upside down - he will be furious and blame you for this. He will see himself as the victim - so be prepared for the onslaught. Block him on everything - you don’t have to engage and listen to his rage, desperate pleas. If he needs to discuss finance or the kids - do that through one email channel or via a solicitor.

You have To prioritise YOUR recovery from this in order to support your children. Every single contact you have with him will be another wound that delays you getting to this place. Don’t let him take that from you as well.

Yes agree with another20. He already tried to make you think it was paranoia. Especially tricky you working with him/family business.

How has turned your world into a tailspin. So sorry you are having to deal with this.

Another one who's only just found your thread, MrsG - I'm desperately sorry and can perhaps empathise as my own exH went down the same path with prostitutes and much more

I can't improve on the excellent advice you've had, but would offer a small caution about assumptions on what IL's are likely to do about contacting you. You know them best of course, and you'll probably need to tell them about this yourself, but given the "blood being thicker than water" thing, people's reactions can sometimes be surprising

And yes, the "OMG I need your help" and the "I can't believe what I've done" can very quickly turn into something else when they find it doesn't wash. Always remember that the priority now is you and the DCs, not on someone who's chosen to betray you so hideously

We are ALL rooting for you mrsg. You have been amazing through this. You will get through this and you've got this. He hasnt made a mess of your life - hes made a mess of his own, and now you are free to live your own authentic life.

Well you lot weren't wrong about him turning on me!! He sent an email (only thing he's not blocked on) asking what we were going to tell everyone. He suggested saying that we haven't been getting on and that we are having a break to give us space. I replied that I will be telling everyone that we are getting divorced because he paid for sex with a prostitute. He said I would be beyond cruel if I put the kids through that!! Well I couldn't unblock his phone number quick enough. We had a massive row, I said every single bit of hurt that this causes people is his fucking fault and his only. He then begged me not to tell people and he will pay for everything. I refused so he has basically said I will have fuck all without him, and if I ruin his life he will ruin mine.
He doesn't get that he's ruined his own fucking life.
Thanks for all the great advice, it's almost like a have a cheating husband manual and I know what's coming next.
My daughter is home at 4. I feel sick at the thought of telling her.

Followed by an email apologising for his threats and saying he will do what's right. Whatever than means. I think I'm going to try and sleep for an hour or so. I'm exhausted.

Obviously you tell the children something age appropriate and adults the truth. I’m astonished he thinks you’d lie to protect him.

And tbf you caught him with one prostitute you have strong evidence that this was not the first offence.

I said earlier in the thread this happened to a friend of my mum’s. That’s partly why I have so much sympathy with you. She tried to make it work but it fell apart. Her children were adults so there was no issue there, they just told everyone the truth. He lost a lot of friends as most people rallied around her.

He's never going to get that it's him who's done this because he's a selfish prick. He will wail and scream and go no contact.. all to try to hurt you and to try and manipulate you. Try not to get drawn into arguments - I know how difficult this is particularly when you are so desperate for answers, to try to understand the behaviour.. but you will never understand it - so stop engaging (if you can) bow out with dignity. Tell his family and then work at holding yours together (without him obviously).

It's so difficult seeing someone you once loved changing in front of your eyes ... it's like you never really knew them at all.

The pain will pass eventually. Keep hold of that.

Hope you get some sleep .. and don't forget to eat and keep yourself hydrated.

... said I will have fuck all without him, and if I ruin his life he will ruin mine

Oh god I'm so sorry; I expected it to happen of course, but perhaps not quite so soon (and his follow up email is worth precisely nothing)

Since he's clearly only concerned about the impact this will have on him I'd recommend getting proper legal advice sooner rather than later and telling his parents about this without delay. They may or may not be helpful, but at least you'd have done it before he gets chance to blacken your name

Can I say that despite him being bloody awful for going to a prostitute....telling your kids will damage their relationship with him and affect them as individuals.

I speak from a professional perspective and much ad he deserves to have them know...I ask you to think of them.

Please...for their sake...it could mess them up.

It sounds like you’re being very strong. It really is such a huge, life changing shock. I was very emotionally distressed and angry for the first year but those feelings are wearing off.
I don’t hate my H but I hate what he did. I resent the fact I wasted many precious years on his life. He is a very damaged individual. He is being very generous to me financially, although I realise this could change when he meets someone else. I pity the next woman he hooks up to.