Dating Thread 134 - 50 Swipes of Tinder

[RunsforCake14]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Meow several red flags there. Too keen and not listening to what you are saying. He sounds a bit chaotic or like an eager puppy jumping up your legs.

Meow - you mean he is suggesting you do all of those things on Saturday?? I'm very new to all this, but I thought the norm was to just meet for a drink (pub or cafe) the first time.

Oh. Apparently his wife of 29 years and 5 kids ran off with another woman.

The 'how long single' thing is a weird one because you either get 'too soon' or 'why have you been single so long then?' I separated from husband of 9yrs in Feb. but feel more than ready to move on. He'd checked out a long time before and I had tried everything and finally ran out of energy. actually splitting was a sort of formality really.

Literart Are you around middle England? - I know someone very like that.

Val no not in middle England. They are in north wales. Seems very odd to say you're over your wife of 20 years who fucked off with a woman after deciding she'd ALWAYS been gay, in the space of a year. No way can you have worked through all that anger and hurt.

Literary I agree I would have thought that would leave a lot of anger and hurt still lurking

meow I thought the same as dogzdinner that he was suggesting doing all of those things in the same day!!

Well I've got four messaging at the mo, from least keen - Mr Needy - who I've been messaging since January and has suddenly turned very needy (we live a distance apart so no meet up yet), Mr Pervy - seeing him for coffee Saturday morning (only slighty pervy - has a cleavage obsession!), Mr Silverfox - very nice messages but think he's playing the field, Mr Heartthrob - back from hols this morning and messaged as soon as he landed, loads in common but no date set up yet.

Out of interest I went out with a group of girls on Saturday and of the six of us two of them had found their husbands on POF! There is hope!

Literary not the same man then thank goodness - the one I know has very many other issues too.

Some advice please. I split with my exP in January although we have remained friends - we even went away together a few weeks ago (pre-booked before the split) although we were with other people as well. We shared a room but nothing else!!! Although I have been dipping into OLD since then, I've not done it with much enthusiasm as wanted the holiday out the way. He knows I am OLD and he is starting to dip his toes too - it's where we met. However he keeps on asking me who I'm talking to, am I seeing them etc. and it is making me feel a bit uncomfortable. I have never stayed friends with an ex before (my 2 ex-H were not worthy of my friendship when we split) so not quite sure how I should handle his questions - any advice from those who have managed to remain friends?

HalfDutch great to hear that people meet long term partners through OLD - thank you for sharing that.

meow have you told him what you want to do, to cut through all the exhausting suggestions?

Val I've never managed to stay friends with an ex, so not sure on that one.

Literary I think you are absolutely right about MrJowls not being able to get through all that pain & hurt yet.

I'm trying Match.com for a month and have some good chats going on but no dates yet.

Val it sounds like he isn't over you and can't handle the thought of you maybe getting together with someone else. Especially hard if you recently spent time together. I'd distance yourself but by bit but remain friendly towards him. No need to see him frequently or be chatting all the time in order to remain friends (not saying that's what you're doing). I think staying friends is usually done to try and ease away gradually and ease the pain of the break up but it's a bit like a plaster and needs ripping off. Short, sharp pain rather than dragged out. I'm a gradual person to be honest but gave realised quick is best.

Literary I haven't seen him since we returned from holiday a few weeks ago (although he has been to my place to get some bits from my garage and wash his car!). He still has a key to mine, and me to his. We have only spoken once on the phone as well. We do WhatsApp a bit but even that is getting less. He seems fine with the breakup - I am so very fond of him but we want very different things from life, and his attitude and outlook are the opposite of mine. We did have many discussions (arguments!) but in the end he said he couldn't change (and why should he), so I finished it. I'm avoiding some of his questions - if he doesn't stop I'll tell him how uncomfortable I feel. He has remained friends will quite of few of his exs - even to the point of going away with them when they are both single and helping them out financially when times have been hard.

Val he sounds like he can't let go. Are t blokes who are friends with all their exes on the red flag list?? Sure I've read that somewhere. I wouldn't be happy with him having a key. I don't think he'll properly let go emotionally with things as they are.

Literary oh didn't know that was a red flag. I figure at the moment there is no harm in him having a key - that would change though if I meet someone else.

Literary If it is a red flag I am not sure it necessarily needs to be. I am very good friends with my ex, I think it depends on the circumstances etc.

I'm trying to remember what the article said but I think it was if they are friends with ALL their exes. I'll see if I can find it again later.

Literary that would make more sense! Be interesting to read.

Just checking in... so after my fun Tinder date on Friday last week (let's call him Mr Rugby) I was thinking maybe this is how I start to let go of my feelings for Mr Screwed Up (who I am still obsessing over, I know, I know...) But as usual couldn't help messaging Mr Screwed Up late on Sat night after a few glasses of wine... he had replied when I woke up on Sun and said he was passing by on Sun afternoon on his way to London... and he did indeed call in and we had, um, a cup of tea... He's overseas this week and has briefly replied to my messages, but while I was with him on Sunday said he wants we to go and stay with him for a few days (while the DCs are on hols with their dad). I just don't know where I stand, sometimes our messaging is so intense, and the physical attraction when we see each other is overwhelming, then he goes quiet again and says he can't have anyone in his life at the moment. I'm so confused.
Then Mr Rugby came over for a couple of hours on Tuesday and we had a really nice time (and lots of snogging ). He called me last night for an hour, and lovely messages saying he thinks I'm incredible, wanted to come over today to cook me lunch... lovely! He turned up when I'd literally just got out of the shower, said he hadn't stopped to buy food because he couldn't wait to see me. We had a fantastic morning and went out for lunch, he is smitten with me and I really like him too... but although we've said we really want to make a go of it I still can't get bloody Mr Screwed Up out of my head. Aaaargh!

Sorry that was a bit long...

MrJowls thinks that with the right woman by his side he can get through anything

Bop how long have you been seeing Rugby guy? (Sorry can't remember your story). You need to completely break from the other guy though. He's just fucking with your head and heart.

Guys...he IS suggesting doing all those things in a day!!! I think because his ex is about to marry a celebrity and it's all over the press (not major celebs) that maybe he's just desperate to be in a similar situation. He reeks of desperation, it's really put me off. Plus he wants to go see a horror movie at the cinema even though I said I don't like horror/also don't do cinema on a first date. Think I'm going to cancel altogether!

@bopfactory you really have to block and remove Mr Screwed up from your life if you want your new guy to go somewhere. I know how hard it is. I am 7 weeks NC with a guy I had the most intense and amazing relationship with. However he was so hot/cold and messed me around a lot too and in the end admitted he didn't want anything serious. If I had him in my life still I wouldn't be able to move on at all. You really have to cut ties. Easier said than done I know x

Woohoo bop high five on the physical fun...think i have cobwebs growing 'down there' :( BUT i gave to agree, sounds mt screwed up only plays ball when he catches a whiff of possible sex?

I have a new contender - mr really-young-and-not-that-shy (RYANTS from here on in lol). He's a cheeky chappy and 2yrs younger than me which would be a first he also lives a loooong way off which i dont mind but will be a head scratcher on logistics. Youngshy has been relatively chatty tho so keen to see him next week before i even begin to think too hard about mr RYANTS

MrJowls has been gently yet firmly let down. Far too complicated home set up with 5 kids, the youngest disabled, ex wife being gay and he hadn't worked through the breakup. Said his love had quickly turned to hate and he was over it. Lots of simmering anger there I think. It must be a massive smack in the face to be told by your wife of 20 years, who is mother to your 5 kids, that's she's leaving for a woman because she's always been gay. I'd need lots of therapy to get through that. It would certainly take more than a year. How the hell would you feel if that was your mum??poor kids must be so upset still and adjusting to their new lives.

Literary only met Mr Rugby on Wed last week, so 8 days ago! Met him in the flesh on the Friday, then seen him twice this week. He's called me every day though, sometimes twice, and we message on FB. Doesn't feel remotely stifling though, we chat really easily and I feel like I've known him ages. Mr Screwed up has NEVER phoned me (we met on Tinder 5 months ago), it's only ever been on WhatsApp and we've physically seen each other about 6 times. You and meow are right, I know I need to move on, but I just can't get past this unbelievable feeling I had when he first met him in real life that he was the person I should be with. Chemistry is such a weird thing, but friends have pointed out that I probably want him because I can't have him...
Naynayba you're right, the contact ramps up when he knows he's going to be in town... though usually he says he's coming to see me then gets cold feet and after much angst eventually sees me for half an hour... though Sunday felt a bit less rushed than usual somehow...
Mr Rugby meantime is asking to take me away for a fun weekend, is planning on driving an hour and a half to see me this Saturday night after a late shift, tells me he thinks I'm gorgeous and lives being with me, is really good fun to spend time with... I know what I need to do, but as meow says it's easier said than done...

Bop classic love bombing there. My first experience of OLD was with a love bomber. We chatted for hours on the phone. Had 2 dates within the space of 4 days, loads of messages, good laughs, lots in common etc. He was fine until he learnt I wasn't one to be controlled and then turned nasty claiming I was too keen too soon when it was him making all the moves and talking about the future and making me feel really special. Wanted me to meet him at work one day so I could meet his boss (only the two of them in the office) so I did and then he told me that was weird and made out I was almost stalking him. At no point during the dates and chatting for hours did it feel stifling. It felt natural and like we were soulmates and had known each other for decades. Be careful, very careful. I let myself get carried away with the sheer rush of it all as he was my first date after my marriage. I know now that he was displaying lots of red flags but I didn't know that then, I was just really flattered and excited. I was an idiot